Be Your Downfall

by Lizzie Fox

  With the guys, though, like today, there was definitely an edge to him. His normally charismatic demeanor and bright smile were a bit muddied and darkened, as if something was weighing heavily on his mind.

  “Fuck!” Seth shouted again in frustration, tearing out a piece of notebook paper and tossing it aside.

  “Whoa, man. I don’t swing that way but your girl is around here somewhere?” Quin playfully teased, gently slapping a stressed-out Seth on the shoulder. He had his hands threaded at the roots of his hair and his expression was strained. He flinched, though, at Quin’s contact, and he quickly turned and nailed Quin in the shoulder—hard.

  “Fuck you, man!” Seth barked angrily. There was no hint of any sort of jest in his tone. He was downright pissed off.

  “Shit man! I was just kidding, I’m sorry! Chill out!” Quin clutched his shoulder and balked, shying away, giving Seth a reproachful look. “Quit being such a dick.”

  “Dick? You wanna see a dick?” Seth tossed his notebook on the ground and stood in a flash.

  “Dude, Archer! It’s okay—really. We’re just all tense and fucking stressed about this shit.” Ian came up behind Seth carefully, gently touching his arm and Seth spun around in a tornado of angry fury and glared at him.

  From the kitchen island nearby I watched, pretending to be engrossed in something on my laptop, trying to give them a bit of space to do their thing. Sabrina and Shane—lord love them—were really putting the pressure on to get some song clips up this week, even if it was just a couple of lines. Seth claimed it shouldn’t have been so hard, but every time he came up with something, he tore it out, crumpled it, and chucked it across the room, claiming it was “fucking shit.” I’d read a few and saved some of them secretly, thinking they actually weren’t that bad, but I’d save that as a last resort.

  Seth and Quin sat on the sofa; Seth had had a notebook in his lap as he furiously scrawled and crossed things out repeatedly, and Quin had a rubber drum pad he was tapping out rhythms on, leaning over the coffee table. Ian was in the chair nearby, gently playing his guitar, and Anthony was anxiously pacing between everyone, with a guilty look on his face and a severely bit lip.

  “Stressed? I’m not stressed, he’s being a fucking jackass!” Seth insisted, pointing at Quin. Quin and Ian just exchanged a pointed look with each other over Seth’s shoulder, and that only served to darken his mood.

  I watched all of this go down with heavy concern. This, I recognized, as Blake had been prone to moodiness as well. He—well both of them really—walked with a certain tension in their shoulders and tight jaws. Seth, however, was a bit more intense. You could see it in his eyes. He desperately tried to reign it in but right now, was unsuccessful. And whatever they were up to now wasn’t helping. I was about to speak up and try to get Seth out of the situation, like I’d do with Blake years and years ago, but Anthony spoke up instead.

  “Guys, I’m afraid I’m probably the cause of Seth’s… discomfort,” he said, seeming to choose his words carefully.

  “What the fuck do you mean?” Seth demanded in confusion. Sensing a boiling point about to blow, I slowly slid out of my chair, ready to act when I needed to.

  Anthony wrung his hands out at his sides and hung his head. “I didn’t realize he was your dad—which is so stupid because you look exactly the same—”

  “—Piss off we do not!” Seth interrupted angrily, cheekbones turning bright red at the idea. He said that they did before, but I don’t think he wanted to hear that right now.

  “—I mean not that much. Really. But… I didn’t realize it was him, so I gave him Jessie’s address—here. I thought he was a friend or something, I didn’t realize until after I’d done it when Shane mentioned to me who he possibly could—”

  “—You gave him Jessie’s address? Are you fucking stupid? The asshole is an abuser! And you sent him to my girlfriend’s house? What if he—” Seth began to yell, each word getting louder and louder as he stalked the distance between them.

  And now was the time to act.

  “Hey hey hey…” I interrupted. “You need songs? I have some. I don’t know if they’re any good, but—you’re welcome to any of it.”

  “Jessie?” Seth asked, confused.

  “Are you joking?” Ian asked and I shook my head.

  “Nah, Archer said she was a writer and has poetry. Man, Jessie… if you do… you’ll be saving our butts, seriously,” Quin interjected, with a loud, relieved sigh. “You’ll be letting Seth off the hook a bit and we can focus on the music.”

  “Jessie, you—” Seth knew I was uncomfortable with letting people read my poetry but if it could help him take some of the stress off and feel better? I’d do anything.

  “It’s fine. Look…” I clicked on the correct file, turned the laptop around, and opened it. Anthony was the first to move forward, scrolling up and down with the trackpad.

  “Shit… this is good. Really good. I don’t think there is one thing here we can’t use.” Quin’s eyes were wide. “Fuck, your girl is a lifesaver twice over now. You better behave yourself.”

  “Piss off,” Seth spat, and I flinched.

  “Dude—what the fuck? This is a good thing, isn’t it?” Ian asked, bewildered.

  “I don’t need people fighting my battles for me,” Seth muttered angrily under his breath.

  “Shit, man. Everyone needs help sometimes. Just—” Anthony began, and Seth marched over to him.

  “You know what? If you hadn’t been such a damned idiot, I wouldn’t be this fucking stressed out and I could have come up with a ton of stuff! Goddamn I swear—"

  Quickly I got in between him and Anthony. He didn’t seem to acknowledge me at first, but I reached out and touched his stomach, he instantly softened. “It’s fine, baby. Really. You’re here, he won’t do anything to me. Right, guys?” I widened my eyes, hinting to everyone that they should agree.

  “Right!” Ian was the first to speak. It was clearly the right thing to do, because some of the tension began to ease from his body.

  Part of this mood with Blake was how much he felt out of control, and reminding him that he actually had control, even about the smallest, most insignificant thing helped to bring him down. I had no idea if it worked for other people with the same issues, but it seemed to help with Seth as it did Blake.

  “I’d never…” he said quietly, lifting one of his hands to my face, gently stroking my cheek with affection.

  “I know, I know,” I replied. I gripped his hand and began to pull him upstairs. “Hey, can you follow me a minute? I was going to ask you, I accidentally pushed something out of reach and I’m not tall enough to get it.”

  He eyed me strangely, cocking a suspicious brow. He obviously knew what I was doing, but he went along with it anyway.

  “Whatever…” he replied, unconvincingly as I practically dragged him up into the bathroom, shutting both doors behind us. He leaned back against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest, and smirked at me. “You didn’t call me up here because you need me to reach something. You’re making sure I don’t lose my shit, aren’t you?”

  “Guilty,” I replied, not even bothering to hide it. “Did I do something wrong? You wanted to see the stuff anyway, I just thought it would help.”

  Seth sighed outwardly. “It does. Really. I’m just…” he growled. “I hate that I can’t do it myself right now.”

  “It’s okay, baby. Really. If it helps you, I would do anything,” I said to him earnestly. “Really.”

  “Really?”

  I nodded. “Besides, I could just tell you needed a minute without the guys. I can leave you be, if you need.” I started to walk away but I felt his hands on my waist, yanking me backward into him. He leaned his chin on my shoulder and snuck his arms around my hips. He placed the smallest of sweet kisses under my ear. I spun around in his arms, looking up at his very sexy, very gorgeous face. The darkness in his eyes had lightened some; I knew it wouldn’t completely go away, but it was be
tter than nothing. Sliding my hands underneath the cotton of his blue t-shirt to feel his warm skin under my fingertips, to reassure myself more than anything that he was here. He was still here.

  “Don’t go. Don’t ever, ever leave.” His whisper in my ear was more of a plea than anything.

  “Are you sure? You want me to watch you use the bathroom?” I wrinkled my nose and smirked. “That’s more than I’d ever like to know about you.”

  Seth laughed; it was a genuine one that shook his entire body. “Okay, but don’t leave the house at least, okay?”

  “Deal.”

  He leaned back against the wall, parting his legs and pulling me between them. I started to rest my cheek against his chest, but he crooked my chin upward with a finger. “Can I ask something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Did this happen to Blake? And that’s how you know what to do?” He asked expectantly, and I chewed my lip thoughtfully, my mind wandering back.

  33

  Jessalie

  Valentine’s Day, thirteen years ago

  As I finished the last lines of my solo in the auditorium of my high school, I glanced out into the crowd. It was a small crowd since the music classes here never had much attention, but it didn’t matter. I was searching for someone.

  But she wasn’t there.

  Yet again my mother flaked out of another one of my performances. She promised to be here.

  She never showed.

  But he was there. He was always there. Blake Lightman, my boyfriend. First to stand, last to sit; right in the front row as I sang my piece. He was so gorgeous there, so proud, even though several people around him joked and snickered at him. Blake didn’t give a crap. He was the most devoted person there ever was, and with him there I felt like I could do anything.

  Except stop being sad over the fact that my mother refused to show. Probably out with her latest boyfriend—and she had the gall to give me grief about my dating conquests? Ha!

  Blake had pulled my crying, sobbing self out of the school auditorium and we stood near his bike in the parking lot as he attempted to console me.

  “One day, sweetie. One day we’ll be family and you’ll never, ever have to cry or be alone, again. I promise you this.” He wiped away my tears, giving me the most sincere smile, and like he always did made me breathless, threading his hand in my hair and firmly pulling forward, until his mouth crashed against mine in the hottest, most passionate kiss I’d ever felt. “Do you believe me?” He asked quietly, his lips roving over my jawline and down to my neck until my neck went slack and I moaned—loudly. People were around, I didn’t care. Let them see—let them see how this gorgeous man loved me. Me.

  “I do,” I replied finally, stifling another moan as his teeth scraped over my collarbone. “It just seems like so far away.”

  His head snapped up. “What if it doesn’t have to be?”

  “Huh?” I asked in confusion, but his bright grin indicated he had something on his mind he was now determined to have happen. He practically lifted me to his motorcycle.

  “What are we doing?” I was still sitting on the seat, and Blake, with his wide grin kicked a leg over and straddled the bike, facing me. He took my face in his hands, gazing at me like I was the only person on the planet.

  “Do you love me?”

  “Of course. More than anything, I love you. I’ll never stop.”

  “Good. Then marry me.”

  I snorted. “What? You mean this summer? We’ve already—”

  “—no, not this summer. Tonight. Right now. I’m not joking. Let’s do it. We’re both eighteen, no one can do anything about it. It’s Valentine’s Day, right? Most romantic day of the year?”

  My mouth fell open in shock. “M-marry you? But we’re still in high school, we’re so young.”

  “Fuck, Jessalie. Age is just a number and I’m no good at math. Who cares? Let’s just do it. Marry me. Right now. You and me together, for fucking ever just like it’s supposed to be.”

  “I…” I stammered, still in denial and surprise.

  “No?” His face fell in a feigned disappointment and I giggled lightly, placing my hands on either side of his face and kissing him quickly.

  “I didn’t say ‘no’, I’m just surprised.”

  “That’s all the better,” he said, with a grin. “Come on, baby.” He slid closer to me, pulling me between his legs and letting his hand sneak up my shirt to find my breast—which he loved. He gave me a sultry, seductive look. “Let me make an honest woman out of you. Come on.”

  A slow grin spread over my face. “Are you serious? You’re not messing with me?”

  “Hell no, Jessa-love. It’s going to happen anyway, so let’s do it now. Let’s get married.”

  I let out a giddy squeal. Oh, just wait until Victoria heard about this! “Okay. Yes. Let’s do it. And hurry so we can get it done and we can go home and I can fuck my husband’s brains out.”

  “Oh god yes. It’s happening now.” He groaned as he pressed his lips to mine. He was so sensual and intense, and perhaps it was the hormones talking but shit—who cared?

  We were going to get married; I was going to be Jessalie Lightman, the happiest damn woman on the planet.

  Three hours later, after a trip to Walmart and getting into the courthouse just before they were about to wrap up for the day, we stopped at my house so I could gather my things, and Blake said he was going to have a surprise for me; he’d be back to get me in an hour. We’d really done it; we’d gotten married.

  It wasn’t long before his parents caught wind of it. Kyle had been there to soften the blows, and he called me immediately.

  “Jess, he’s going to freak. You need to be here when he does.” Kyle came and picked me up and we waited at his house for hurricane Blake to come charging through the door.

  “Fuck you, Kyle!” Blake walked into the house, tearing off his leather jacket and tossing it to the ground forcibly. Immediately, I flinched, knowing by his tight-lipped frown and his narrow gaze, as gorgeous as he was his face was contorted in an angry sort of pain. The kind of pain one only acquires after betrayal—or the thought of betrayal. “You fucking goddamn worthless piece of shit!” Blake stalked through the kitchen and shoved at his brother, Kyle, who was a taller but thinner carbon copy of him, only with darker hair. Kyle had been rummaging through the fridge but quickly stood and turned the second his brother came storming in like an angry storm.

  I knew what was coming, and I braced myself. “Honey, wait—I can explain, really. I was—”

  Blake regarded me briefly, but the faraway look in eye meant he was already too far gone. He jabbed a finger at his brother. “You fucking told them. I told you that we were going to wait. You’re ganging up on me, aren’t you? Are you trying to get in her pants secretly, or what? Well I tell you what asshole, she’s not going anywhere with you! That is my wife you’re trying to fuck!”

  “Shit, man, Blake, fucking chill!” Kyle responded, slapping at his brother’s finger. That only made Blake even more furious. “I couldn’t not say anything, they found the marriage license on the table. Don’t blame me for being fucking careless, dickhead!” Blake stepped forward and pulled back a fist.

  Shit… this was going to get ugly real fast.

  “Blake. Blake!” Just before Blake let his fist fly I put myself in between them, and looked at him pleadingly, setting my hand over his heart. “Honey, it’s okay. Really. We knew this was going to happen, really. We’ll deal with it, it’s okay.”

  Blake dropped his fist to the side, but his expression remained as angry as ever. “Don’t defend him, he was trying to get us in trouble. That’s why you’re here, aren’t you? He’s trying to fuck you and you’re—”

  “Blake,” I said, trying to remain as calm as I could even though inwardly I was trembling like a leaf. Nothing he was saying was making sense, and I knew he was about five-seconds from going off the deep end if I didn’t try to rectify this. I grazed my fingers over the sid
e of his bicep, something that always seemed to soothe him. He looked down at me briefly. “If that was the case, honey… why would I have married you? I love you, and it doesn’t matter what your parents say, okay? I don’t give a shit. It’s you and me, together, forever—all right? We’ll figure it out.”

  Blake seethed, pressing his fingers to his temples and squeezing roughly. “Goddammit, this is all—”

  “—honey, what did you think would happen? We’re still in high school. We have nothing. Did you really think they’d be thrilled?” I asked, with an expectant laugh. A ghost of smile hinted at his pouty lips. “Just give them time; we graduate in a couple of months and then it won’t matter at all. Okay?”

  “Until then—” Kyle continued, even though Blake was still glowering at him. “You can stay here in the basement. You know you can. I’m sorry they found out before you were ready to tell them, but…”

  Blake sighed, thrusting his hands in his jeans pockets. Slowly, he came down from his rage, and allowed me to take him in my arms.

  Even though he was angry, and hurt, there was still no better feeling than having him near me. It was that same desperation and longing that made us impetuously take that trip to the courthouse after school.

  Together. Forever. Him and I.

  He had lied.

  A broken promise and a broken heart was all I had left of him.

  Present Day

  “Jessie?” A baritone, velvet voice brought me back to reality.

  Blake was gone. We were done. I held him in my heart, but I couldn’t hold him in my arms.

  “Shit, honey. Fuck, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t—” His thumbs brushed over my cheeks; I hadn’t noticed I started crying at the memory of one of the biggest days of my life.

  I shook my head. “No. It’s okay.” Sniffling, I wiped my nose and face with the back of my hand, and let Seth tighten his arms around me. For a moment my eyes shut and mind wandered, and I was back with Blake as he held me against his strong chest, feeling relaxed as I inhaled his spicy body spray he always put too much of on but I didn’t care.