Broken Scars

by J. M. Walker

  Mel shrugged. “Heart attack I’m assuming. Carole claimed abuse. Did you know that? She said that she was a victim herself. So that was why she was spared prison. I’m not sure if they said it on the news. I don’t watch TV much.”

  Having this conversation with her, forced these walls up around me. It wasn’t safe, the shit from our past that she was bringing up. I knew I had issues. It was why I didn’t talk about it. “Do you talk to anyone still?”

  “A few people. A couple of the kids died. Overdose, alcoholism, car accidents, your typical shit.” Mel shrugged again, running her finger over the rim of the glass.

  “There’s something else, isn’t there?” She wouldn’t go through all this trouble just to tell me that our adoptive father died. “What’s going on?”

  “You love her.” Mel’s gaze popped to mine. “Lily.”

  “We’re not here to discuss my personal life, Mel.”

  She laughed lightly, shaking her head. “You’ve turned into a bit of a dick.”

  “I wonder why,” I grumbled. “Listen, if you’re not going to tell me why you needed to meet with me, I should leave.”

  “I still love you, Lucas. I’ve always loved you. We were good together. Even when we were forced into it. We…we looked good on camera.”

  “We were fucking kids, Mel,” I growled. It was sick. This wasn’t right.

  “I want you back,” she whispered.

  “Don’t.” Years ago, I probably would have wanted to hear those words but not anymore and especially not now. “I’m with Lily. I love her.”

  “I know you felt something for me,” Mel murmured.

  I laughed, scrubbing a hand down my face. “This is unreal. I didn’t feel anything for you then and I don’t feel anything for you now.” I had tried being gentle about it, but she obviously wasn’t getting the hint.

  “Does she know that we met up a few years ago?” Mel asked, her bright blue eyes meeting mine. She leaned forward, pushing against the table top which enhanced the cleavage in the vee of her shirt. “Does she know how rough you like it? Or how you used to cut yourself? Does she know the things you used to force me to do?” Her tongue swiped along her bottom lip. “I remember the last time and the way you held my head while fucking my throat. It was so hot, Lucas. I need that. I need your control. I need you.”

  My jaw clenched. “Stop this shit.”

  “Does she know about our first time and what you were forced to do to me?”

  “Stop,” I bit out. “Yes, she knows all that shit. She knows everything because I told her. Because that’s what people do when they’re in a relationship. They talk. They communicate.” While it may have taken me awhile to tell Lily everything, I still eventually told her. “I told her about you too because she asked. But she knows that I was never in love with you. She knows that I feel nothing for you.”

  Mel’s eyes welled. “You’re lying.”

  “No. I’m not. Seeing you is bringing up old feelings yes, but it isn’t love. It’s fear. Pain. Vulnerability. Whatever the hell you want to call it, but I do not love you.” It may have been harsh, but Mel needed to hear it. She needed to know that whatever we had, was done. “I wouldn’t have fucked you a second time if I wasn’t forced into it in the first place.”

  “Now I know you’re lying about that.” Mel sat back, crossing her arms under her chest. “You can deny it all you want but you couldn’t resist me. None of you could. I remember that last time, even though it was just a few years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. You felt so good inside me.”

  “Why the hell are you doing this?”

  “Because we are meant to be. I need you, Lucas. No matter what we went through, we were good together.”

  “And you’re fucking proud of that?” I asked, a little too loudly. Other customers at nearby tables turned our way. I cleared my throat. “Listen, Mel,” I said, lowering my voice. “We went through hell together, yes, but you need to move on. We both do. Now if you’re not going to tell me what’s going on, I have to head back to the hotel.” When I stood, her next words stopped me.

  “I have the videos.”

  I frowned, looking down at her over my shoulder. “What?”

  “The videos,” she repeated. “I have them.”

  “How did you get them?”

  “Carole’s in a home now.”

  I frowned. “But that doesn’t explain how you got them.” None of this was making any sense. At all.

  “I was one of the first you know.” Mel sat forward, pushing her chest against the edge of the table. “I was also the first girl to be used as well.”

  “Raped, Mel. You were raped. Not used. Say what fucking happened.”

  She shrugged. “Semantics.” She started running her finger over the rim of the glass. “I haven’t watched them yet though. Just a few of you and me. Even though we were kids, we looked good. I can still feel your lips on mine, Lucas.”

  I sat back in the booth. “What are you going to do with them?” I asked, ignoring her last sentence. As much as I didn’t want them, I had to destroy them before they fell into the wrong hands.

  “I wanted to give them to you as a reminder of how good we were together.”

  My brows shot up to my forehead. “Excuse me?”

  “We could make a lot of money on these too, Lucas. My mom would like that.” Mel’s cheeks turned red. “I mean…”

  “What the fuck did you just say?” Her mom. No, there was no way. I tried remembering but couldn’t. My mind was a blank slate as it tried to protect me from my past.

  Mel sighed. “Well I guess there’s no use denying it. Carole is my real mother. I don’t know where my real father went. Bobby was not him, thank God.” She grimaced.

  “How did you get the videos?” I asked again.

  “Mom left the house to me when she went into the home. I came across them while cleaning. Bobby said he got rid of them all, but he obviously didn’t.”

  I shook my head, unable to believe what I was hearing.

  “What home is Carole in?” Tasting my adoptive mother’s name on my tongue, forced bile to my throat. I also wanted to be sure that I was far away from that woman as possible.

  “Somewhere north of the city. It’s a few hours from here. She never got in trouble you know. Just probation. She said Bobby manipulated her.” Mel laughed. “She’s such a liar. I know she enjoyed that shit just as much as he did.” The humor dancing in her eyes quickly left. It was like emotional whiplash with how fast her moods changed. Mel rubbed the back of her neck. “I need you, Lucas. I can’t do this without you.”

  “You don’t need me, Mel. You need to talk to someone. Get therapy. But I can’t help you.”

  “Yes, you can.” Mel stood from her side of the booth and much to my surprise, sat beside me. “I do need you.”

  “What are you doing?” I asked, my eyes widening.

  Ignoring me, she placed her hand on my leg. “You’re the only one who knows what I went through. The only one who can help me heal. I need you.” Her gaze dropped to my mouth. “Please, Lucas. Lily doesn’t understand people like us. We need sex. A lot of it. It’s not our fault either. We were forced into it. We’re not meant to settle down with one person.”

  “But you want me to settle down with you.”

  “Yes, because I can give you the sex you need. You can do whatever you want to me, Lucas. All of those sick fantasies I know you still have, I’m your willing submissive. You can slap me, hurt me, cut me. I don’t care. Lily can’t give that to you.”

  “Mel, you need to stop.” I grabbed her hand, preventing it from going higher and removing it from my lap.

  “I need you,” she whispered, pulling her hand from mine and reaching for my belt.

  “What the fuck, Mel? We’re in a restaurant.” I slapped her hand way.

  “That wouldn’t have stopped you years ago.” She kissed my shoulder. “Is Lily turning you into a prude?” She reached for my belt again, undoing the
buckle.

  “Stop.” I grabbed her hand, careful not to hurt her because I had no fucking idea if she would cause a scene or not. I didn’t need that. Not when we were in a public place. My heart started racing. Red flags went off in my head. I should have forced Lily to come with me. But she trusted me. Fuck she trusted me. But hell, I didn’t trust myself at the moment. I wouldn’t do anything with Mel. I wasn’t that type of guy. I loved Lily. I belonged to her and her alone but seeing Mel made this dormant side of me awaken.

  “You can feel it too.” Mel cupped me over my pants. “I know you can feel it. You’re hard right now.”

  Only because I had a woman back at the hotel who I was going to use to make me feel better. I grabbed Mel’s hand, squeezing it to the point a whimper fell from her lips but before I could comprehend what was going on, she kissed me.

  Lucas

  BLOOD SEEPED THROUGH MY fingers, running from the cut in my inner thigh thanks to the blade digging into my skin. White hot pain seared through me, forcing a groan from the back of my throat. It was nothing like I had ever felt before. It was fear, pleasure, rage, and pure fucking bliss.

  The lingering scent of roses wafted into my nose as the agony took over.

  A small hand wrapped around mine, forcing the knife to cut me deeper.

  My eyes rolled into the back of my head. “Fuck.”

  “Lucas.”

  The mouth against mine was wrong. Familiar. But so damn wrong. I pushed Mel back, breaking the kiss before she could take it further.

  “If you know what’s good for you, you will get the fuck away from me,” I growled.

  Her eyes shone but whatever it was she saw on my face forced her to slide from the bench and move back to the spot across from me. Smart girl.

  “I’m going to give you one more chance to tell me what the fuck is going on before I go back to my girlfriend and tell her what just happened.”

  “Lucas,” Mel said gently.

  “I will be telling her because that’s the right thing to do. But you wouldn’t know that because you just came on to a guy who is in a damn relationship.” My body buzzed, my skin jumping over my muscles. I needed Lily. I needed to explain. I needed…hell, I didn’t even know what I needed anymore. But I knew that I needed to get away from this moment.

  “If you want the videos, I’ll be at the hotel this afternoon.” Mel’s shoulders slumped, almost like she was admitting defeat.

  “I’ll be there.” I slid from the booth and left the restaurant. I would have to tell Lily about that kiss and everything else. She would be pissed, and I wouldn’t blame her. Guilt weighed heavily on my shoulders. If I wasn’t with Lily, would I have pushed Mel away? It didn’t matter. I couldn’t go back to that dark time in my life. Mel brought too many reminders of what I had come from. And I refused to go back to that.

  ***

  (Lily)

  I was curled up on the bed, playing a game on my phone when Lena’s number showed up.

  “Hey,” I answered.

  “Hi!”

  I pulled the phone away from my ear, laughing. “Someone’s excited.”

  “Yes, oh, Lily. I got to see my daughter.”

  “That’s wonderful!” I sat up. “I’m so happy.”

  “Thank you! We’re taking it slow, but my parents are letting me see her once a month and then we’ll work to more visits. It’s not a lot but I’ll take it. God, will I ever take it.”

  “I’m so happy for you, Lena. I’m sorry we weren’t much help when it came to finding stuff on them or your ex.”

  “No, girl, don’t be sorry.” Lena sighed. “It all happened naturally anyway. The sperm donor fucked up. He fucked up bad. He got a speeding ticket. First time in his life and he was being weird about it I guess. Well the cop got suspicious and they ended up finding drugs on him and in the trunk of his car. He will be charged, and it certainly won’t look good for his custody battle—he could be declared unfit.”

  “Well, I’m glad it worked out for you. That’s really wonderful news, Lena.”

  “Thank you for offering to help. You didn’t have to when I was hitting on Lucas. I’m sorry for that. I’m so sorry.”

  My heart jumped. “Don’t be. He’s hard to resist.”

  She laughed. “Yeah. But can we meet up soon? I’d love for you both to meet my daughter.”

  “We can,” I said when the door to the hotel room opened. “But I have to go. We’ll chat soon.”

  “Okay. Thank you again, Lily.”

  We said our goodbyes and I disconnected the call just as Lucas came into the room. His body was stiff. He shut the door behind him and leaned against it.

  “Lucas? Are you okay?” I asked, my throat constricting.

  He met my gaze. Pushing away from the door, he closed the distance between us and pulled me against him.

  I threw my phone on the bed, wrapping my arms around his neck.

  With his hands in my hair, he fused his mouth to mine and slipped his tongue between my lips.

  I breathed him in, taking him deeper. He tasted of coffee and something sweet. I frowned, pushing him back. “You taste different. And…something else happened, didn’t it?” I looked him over. “I know something else happened, but I don’t know what.”

  His shoulders slumped. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that I’ve been with you long enough to know that you only drink coffee in the morning. Black coffee. So why do you taste sweet?”

  He looked away.

  “Lucas.” I smacked his arm. “Tell me.”

  His good eye met mine, peering into me, seeing deep inside of me. “Mel kissed me.”

  I laughed, shoving him back and jumped from the bed. “Of course she did.” I started pacing back and forth.

  “Lily, that’s not all.”

  I stopped pacing. “Tell me.”

  “She wants a relationship. With me. She also hit on me. She was mentioning things of our time together. And things I used to be into. Dark things.” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “She said you couldn’t handle it and that it would disgust you.”

  “I’ve enjoyed everything we’ve done.” I frowned. “Why would she say that? What other things are you into?”

  “Whenever I cut myself, I wasn’t alone.” He sat on the edge of the bed. “She helped me.”

  I leaned against the dresser, rubbing the back of my neck. “Okay…well, you don’t do that anymore. What else are you into that we haven’t done already?”

  “I like it rougher. She tried touching me in the restaurant.” He blew out a slow breath. “I’m so fucking sorry. I pushed her away but I’m still sorry, baby.”

  Bile rose to my throat. This new feeling rushed through me. I didn’t know what it was. It was something I had never felt before. It went past jealousy. It even went past possession. “You’re mine,” I whispered.

  “I am,” he said. “I am so fucking yours. All of me. Every inch. Every breath. I live and breathe for you.”

  My eyes welled. “Is she going to be a problem for us?”

  “I don’t know. You can trust me. Please, baby, trust me. I would never cheat on you but I can’t tell you she won’t try something again because I don’t know.” He pulled my panties from his jeans pocket, running his thumb over the black fabric. “She told me she still loves me. She also wants to meet to hand me the videos and pictures that involve me. So I can dispose of them.” He looked at me then. “I pushed her away even though she begged for more.”

  “Brush your teeth,” I told him. “I can’t kiss you when you taste like her.”

  He flinched. “Lily.”

  I lifted my hands, warding him off. “Stop. I’m not…I’m not mad at you. It’s not your fault. It’s hers. But I need you to brush your teeth.”

  He nodded, heading into the bathroom.

  I slumped onto the edge of the bed before falling to the floor. It seemed that no matter how many steps forward we took, we were forced to take a million back.

&nb
sp; Leaning my head against the edge of the bed, I brought my knees up to my chest.

  Lucas came out of the bathroom a moment later and sat on the floor in front of me. He pulled my feet out and wrapped my legs around his waist. Running his hands up and down my bare arms, he leaned his forehead against mine.

  “I’m sorry,” he murmured, the scent of mint wafting into my nose.

  I nodded, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “Your body is hard.”

  “The things she said brought back memories. Of how much I enjoyed being in control. It wasn’t about who I fucked but how I fucked.” He ran his thumb along my collarbone. “It doesn’t make sense. I know that but…” He pulled me closer. “Mel wants to meet up tonight to give me the videos.”

  “Why?” I grabbed the hem of his t-shirt, inching my hand beneath it.

  “She’s using it as an excuse to see me again.”

  “Are you going to meet up with her?” If it were me, I would be destroying those videos. Maybe light them on fire and watch my past life mother fucking burn.

  “I should. Then I can have Shephard destroy them.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “That part of my life is done and over. But destroying the videos could be therapeutic in a way.”

  I nodded. “That makes sense.”

  “Maybe they could help me heal kind of thing. But I need you to come with me.”

  “Okay.”

  “Is this it, Lily Pad?” he whispered, cupping my face. “Is this going to break us?”

  “I don’t know,” I croaked. “That depends on you and what you decide.”

  “I want you, Lily. There is no decision that needs to be made. It’s only you. Always you.” Instead of saying anything more, Lucas crushed his mouth to mine.

  The fact that he no longer tasted like Mel, did something to me. A growl left me, and I pushed him back.

  A shocked gasp left him, but it only seemed to make him kiss me harder. It turned frantic, our hands roaming over each other until all I could feel was him. He grew beneath me but never took it further. This was all me. My choice. My control. He was giving it all to me. I wanted to thank him and hurt him at the same time. I wasn’t mad that Mel had kissed him. No, I was fucking furious. But not at him.