Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf? (The Big Bad Wolf Trilogy Book 1)

by Janie Marie

  “Just take it with you so you have something to change into tonight,” he said. “If you can’t get past things with her, I get it. I’ll go with you to talk to Kevin. If he’ll put a stop to it, then it’s up to you if you want to stay. I’m just trying to make sure you’re safe.”

  Her head ached again. “You made her think I was going to train with her?”

  “I just hoped if you saw her it would make you want to try.” His features softened, and he suddenly seemed exhausted. “I wasn’t lying about wanting you to learn to defend yourself, or about her being a good sparring partner. Her brothers even came to meet you.”

  “Me?”

  He nodded. “She asked them if you could stay.” He acted like he was going to touch her, but lowered his hand. “Her stepdad isn’t home, and they came to straighten shit out for her at school. They’re in meetings with the parents of the other girls all day tomorrow. Hopefully, all this shit will be sorted after that.”

  Kylie rubbed her fingers across the red fabric. “She bought this for me?”

  “Yeah.” He went to his locker again. “If it bothers you to have something from her, just leave it here. I can run you to the store to grab a few things after I’m done.”

  It would’ve been so easy to stay quiet, to let this argument fade into the darkness, but she didn’t think she could.

  Until she looked up at him. There was a fierceness returning to his handsome face, but his eyes, they were dimming of all light.

  “You really want me to get along with her, don’t you?”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I want you to give her a chance to show you it’s possible to come out of darkness. She’s been through hell, and she’s my only friend. She wants me happy, and I want her to see me happy.”

  Somehow she managed to smile and turned to take her top off so she could change clothes.

  His arms were around her in an instant, hugging her as he kissed the top of her head. “You don’t have to do this.”

  “I do.” She squeezed his hand.

  He smiled against her hair. “I swear you’ll enjoy training. Well, when you actually get to the fun stuff.”

  “Okay,” she whispered, sighing as he moved her hair away from her neck and pressed his lips to her racing pulse. A hand soon grabbed her breast and she sighed. This was better. She had this with Logan—Janie never had.

  Gasping, she opened her eyes and froze at the sight of the ugly reflection staring back at her. A smile of acid and scars and bruises spattered across her skin. “Oh my God!”

  “What?” He looked at her, starting to let go.

  She pointed at the mirror before shoving him away. Her smile was gone, but she could still see the damage it had hidden. “I’m a monster.”

  “What?” He tried to stop her from pulling her shirt on.

  “Don’t touch me,” she screamed. It was his fault. He made her see.

  “Baby, what are you talking about? You look fine. Beautiful.”

  “No, I’m not. You’re a liar. I hate you!”

  He moved away like he’d been slapped. “What’s wrong with you? I haven’t fucking lied.”

  “How could I have forgotten so quickly?” she whispered, looking around the room, but there was nothing there. She gasped, her eyes watering. He was a masterpiece, and she was a creation of Hell. She was nothing compared to Janie in his eyes.

  “Forgotten what?” he asked.

  She looked over each of her pale scars, wondering how she could have gone from hiding to being naked in front of Logan so easily. She never looked at herself when she was with him because he made her believe the lies. He made her feel special, but she wasn’t. “That I’m disgusting,” she spat, hating how pathetic he made her feel. How pathetic all of them made her feel. “That I’m just a girl you want to fuck. I’m just on your fuck list. Maybe it’s because you want to fuck a broken girl because you never got to fuck the one who just walked out that door!”

  “What the fuck?” he yelled, throwing the tape he’d been holding, knocking everything off the desk. “How can you say that?”

  “Because it’s true,” she said, her hands shaking as her breathing became so fast it hurt. “You’re only with me because I’m broken like her.”

  He stared at her for a few seconds before finally speaking. “You’re not broken—you’re hurt. The marks you have are going to heal—they’ve already healed a lot.” He took a harsh breath and added, “And don’t you fucking say she’s broken—you know nothing about her.”

  She could barely breathe; he was defending Janie? “Oh, forgive me for speaking the truth. You wanted to fuck her, and Ryder beat you to it. Now you’re settling for the first damaged girl you’ve seen since.”

  His eyes went ablaze. “Watch what you say. I mean it, Kylie. I’m not going to deal with you saying this shit about her. If you want to talk about what’s got you acting like this, fine. But don’t bring her into it.”

  Heat burned her cheeks, and she fired back. “You just want her back! That’s all this is for you.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” he shouted, throwing his hands up. “I’m with you. Not her.”

  Kylie didn’t say anything. She let the darkness that always surrounded her wrap her in its embrace. She let those wicked words that were always whispered in the dark grow louder. Their dirty claws dug into her heart as their menacing grins promised she would never be loved—that the man she was giving her heart to would only desire another.

  “You know what? Fine.” His harsh tone made the air freeze in her lungs, but all she could do was stand silently as he walked to the door. “Keep making up shit. Keep refusing my fucking support because you don’t like my only friend—attacking her because she used to be my girlfriend.”

  “Sorry I’m not perfect like her,” she screamed.

  He put his hand on the doorknob and stared at it before speaking again. “Do you know what Ryder was doing when he was kissing her stomach?”

  She didn’t answer him. She just stared at his blurry reflection in the mirror, her heart pounding harder the farther he moved away.

  “He was kissing her scars. She’s covered in them. She’s not perfect.” He yanked the door open. “But she believes him when he tells her she’s beautiful. She lets him heal her wounds. She lets him help her get stronger.”

  “There you go again,” she croaked, “praising her like everyone else.”

  He let out a bitter laugh. “Fine, Kylie. She’s the best fucking girl ever and you’re nothing—that’s what you want me to say, right? So there you go. I’m done. Sit here and make up more shit if you want. I’ve got shit to take care of. And, no, it’s not fucking my ex-girlfriend.” He walked out, slamming the door so loud she shrieked.

  She stared at the door, her breaths becoming harder and harder to take as she sobbed, eventually falling to her knees. She hid her face in her hands, gasping for air while the hate-filled whispers grew louder.

  They laughed at her tears and howled in victory over their wounded prey.

  Doubt had won.

  Twenty-Three

  THE PADAWAN

  How could it feel like she’d been beaten? How could words hurt more than the physical blows she’d endured all these years?

  “Ow.” Kylie sobbed as she tried desperately to pull oxygen into her burning lungs. “Ow.” Tears escaped, sliding across the bridge of her nose and onto the floor she was lying on. He’d left her. And the pain—so much pain. She didn’t know what was happening. All she knew was that it felt as though her heart had been ripped right out of her chest.

  Her life was ending. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t escape. There was only pain, and she was all alone.

  Time lost all relevance. All she knew was that in every instance she’d ever thought about death, she had never imagined it would take so long to pass.

  “Oh, Kylie.” The soft voice didn’t sound real, and it wasn’t Logan. “Shh . . .”

  “It hurts,” she told t
he voice, not caring who it was, only relieved that someone was finally there. Maybe she really was dying, and this was an angel come to take her away.

  “I know.” A hand lightly caressed her sweaty forehead. “You’re going to be okay. It will pass.”

  She shook her head, sobbing and sucking in huge but empty gulps of air. The hand moved to her hair and began stroking her head in a soothing motion.

  “It will. I promise. It always passes.”

  Kylie recognized who was speaking, and it wasn’t who she wanted. Now she wanted to die.

  Janie sat behind her and rubbed her back, right behind her heart as she continued talking. “It hurts right here, doesn’t it?”

  Kylie didn’t respond, she just kept trying to breathe, kept crying, gasping, because she didn’t know what else to do.

  Janie continued, “You’re having a panic attack. It’s going to be fine. It will go away soon.”

  A panic attack? Kylie kept crying, confusion, pain—sadness and relief all overwhelming her as Janie rubbed her back, right where it felt like her heart was being stabbed and torn apart. But it was pounding so fast. As if it was trying to beat a whole lifetime’s worth of beats before it stopped.

  “Slow down,” Janie told her. “You have to try to slow it down.” Her hand ran through her hair again. “I hold my breath. It’s probably not the right thing to do, but try to hold it for a few seconds, then let it out slowly.”

  Kylie continued sucking in air, sweat drenching her body as she felt herself clenching up from the pain. It was crushing her, and the ringing noise in her ears made it hard to concentrate. Was she supposed to call 911? No, just let me die. I deserve to die.

  “Do it,” Janie said. “You’ll pass out if you keep breathing like this.”

  She didn’t know if she should trust Janie, but she obeyed as the girl cooed soft words of encouragement beside her, never stopping the pressure on her back, never showing impatience or hysteria.

  “There you go.” Janie’s voice was a sweet melody in the chaos. “Let it out slowly.”

  Kylie breathed out, whining when the pain did not dissipate. She’d never felt so much pain before.

  “Again.”

  Kylie followed the order. She’d hold her breath for a few seconds until she was told to let it out. Then, after what felt like hours, she went limp from exhaustion and the pain faded.

  “It’s over.” Janie tucked Kylie’s hair behind her ear. “This time, at least.”

  Kylie cried as she felt a tissue being dabbed on her cheeks. She hated crying and didn’t want to in front of Janie, of all people. But she couldn’t stop.

  “Stupid boy,” Janie muttered, shaking her head.

  “He left me,” Kylie croaked.

  “He’s just with the boys.” Janie produced another tissue and wiped along Kylie’s forehead. “I told Ryder to make sure he stayed away. He said you decided to stay here. I heard you screaming and let myself in.”

  Kylie tried to take calming breaths while her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend took care of her. This was the last thing she expected. If anything, she’d imagined Janie would be falling all over Logan while Ryder let her.

  “Did you fight?” Janie asked, her voice soft, concerned, nothing that Kylie wanted to associate with the girl ruining her life.

  It seemed impossible to lie now. “Yes. He left me.”

  “Did he say that?”

  “He said he was done,” Kylie whispered, closing her eyes. She wanted to scream at Janie for being the cause of it all, but she was so tired.

  “Well,” Janie said, “speaking as someone who’s been in a relationship with Logan Grimm, that’s not a breakup.” She smiled tightly. “Trust me. You might get into a lot of fights, but you’ll know when he breaks your heart.”

  Kylie didn’t understand why Janie would say that; she was the one who broke Logan’s heart, after all.

  “Is this your first attack?” Janie asked.

  Kylie closed her eyes again. She didn’t want to talk, didn’t want Janie to comfort her. But she felt this strange compulsion to answer, so she did. “I don’t know what happened.”

  “Yeah, they’re terrifying,” Janie murmured. “I’ve had other things in the past, but these are different. Logan’s dad found me on the floor of his bathroom the first time I had a full-blown one. I thought I was dying. They always feel like that, but don’t worry, you’re not going to. It just feels like it.”

  Kylie sighed, keeping her eyes closed. She’d certainly never experienced a panic attack before, but knowing that she had just had one, and that Janie had apparently had them more than once, she wanted to hide. She was nothing like the girl Logan found perfect, and the negative similarities between them reenforced her fear that Logan was using her because she was broken and easy. Despite all of this, though, because of a strange urge to speak, she muttered, “Thank you. I’m sorry you had to see this.”

  “Don’t be sorry,” Janie said. “I’m glad I could help. It’s harder when you have them around people who don’t care, or they don’t know what to do. I actually have anxiety whenever I have to go places I’ve had one at before. I usually hang all over Ryder or have one of his brothers with me to feel brave.”

  She stayed still, steadying her breaths with every passing second. None of this made sense. Janie was a mean girl. She was a flirt. Not a girl who suffered from mental disorders.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” Janie asked.

  “No.” Kylie’s tears slid into her hair, but she refused to look up.

  “Okay,” Janie murmured. “But just so you know, keeping it in doesn’t always help. I get you’re used to being alone, but it’s okay to let other people hold you through bad times. I’m just offering you the comfort I didn’t always have.”

  “You just said you have everyone helping you,” Kylie said before she could stop herself.

  “I have people around me, Kylie, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel alone—or that I let them help. It took a long time for me to get here. You can be surrounded by loved ones and friends, but unless you let them in, none of them know what’s happening inside you.”

  A chill made Kylie shake, but she stared ahead, her eyes fixed on the door. Panic tried to rise, but the fatigue engulfing her was unlike anything she’d ever experienced. “Why would you ever go through this alone?”

  A sad smile formed on Janie’s lips. “Because I thought I was hurting them by just existing. I wanted to protect them, so I tried to keep it all hidden. No one wanted to hear how bad things were, so I stopped telling them. They liked it that way.” She gave her an even sadder smile. “People like the lies because the truth, for me at least, is too much—too dark. Too sad. It would’ve been better if I was gone forever, is how I saw it.”

  Her breath hitched. She’d had the same thought before—the truth hurt, so she stayed silent. “Logan would be devastated if you weren’t around,” Kylie whispered bitterly. “They’d all be sad.”

  Janie shrugged, not affected by the slight bite in her tone. “I didn’t believe that then. Nothing is what I thought I deserved. I was a monster. No matter what I did, I destroyed them. When I tried to get better, I failed. Repeatedly. So I let the pain consume me, and I shut them out. I would love to say I’ve had Logan wrapped around my finger, because it would mean all the pain I suffered from him not being there would be gone, but I didn’t. He wasn’t there when I needed him most. Still isn’t.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “You don’t have to. But I’m telling the truth. It helps, you know? Sharing pain. It helps the person telling and the people listening. It’s how people relate to someone.” Janie kept running her fingers through her hair, her voice even softer now. “I know Ryder and the others told you about the rape.”

  Kylie could only nod, startled that Janie would blurt this out.

  “Did they tell you the boys got away with it?”

  Kylie wasn’t expecting that. “How?”

  A humorless
laugh passed Janie’s lips. “Because I didn’t fight back? Because they wore condoms? Because they knew someone in the police department? Because I was a sad girl? I don’t know, really. I had no one to back me up. All I had was my word against theirs, and they walked.”

  Kylie sat up slowly. “What about Ryder?”

  Janie’s chin wobbled. “I’d already told him to leave me alone. I hated myself because I’d fallen in love with him while I was supposed to love Logan.”

  Janie wiped a tear from her cheek. “I wanted to die because that was so wrong, and I’d lost my Logan because I couldn’t not feel everything for Ryder. I didn’t deserve either of them. So even though Ryder was trying to help me, I told him to stay away. I just wanted Logan back; I’d hurt him.”

  Kylie watched a few tears fall from Janie’s eyes. “What about your family?”

  Janie smiled and nodded. “They thought I was just a stupid girl with a broken heart.”

  “So what happened?” Kylie didn’t realize she had grabbed Janie’s hand and was now the one doing the comforting, and about her breakup with Logan of all things.

  “I started this,” she said, gesturing to her stomach with her free hand. She let go of Kylie’s and lifted her shirt enough for Kylie to see white scars.

  “You’re a cutter?” Kylie blurted.

  “No.” Janie stared at a particularly jagged scar before lowering her shirt. “I wouldn’t really classify myself as anything but a screwup. I’d gotten a nasty cut during my rape, and I just saw it every time I looked in the mirror. I’d, um, hold a knife over the scar—I guess to finish the job they started—and I usually ended up cutting myself.”

  Kylie shook her head, not believing what she was hearing.

  Janie slid a finger across her stomach. “Those were the better days. Those were the days when I still knew I existed, and I just wanted to die. But the days I was really in danger were the days I was empty. On those days, it no longer mattered Logan had abandoned me, that my family would’ve preferred to just put me on pills or in a mental institution. It no longer mattered that a boy loved me so fiercely that he was ready to destroy everything just to keep me. Nothing. I felt nothing, and I would see how much pain I caused Logan and his mom. How much of a disappointment I was to my family, and how I would never be what Ryder said I was. So I just did it. No tears. I just swallowed all the pills and went to sleep and waited for Death to take me home.”