Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  Gerard’s jaw was tense when he shifted his eyes to the right. Lissette gave a semi-nervous smile and then laced her fingers with mine, perhaps her way of sending a silent message. Not gonna lie; that puffed up my ego a bit.

  “Well, good luck to you, Gerard—with the move, with the marriage, everything. I wish you the best,” Lissette said graciously. He only gave a nod, and with that we left him behind, watching as she and I walked off together. He was in a position I never wanted to find myself in; he knew what it felt like to have her and then lose her.

  *****

  We drove to the cleaners in silence, my mind still clouded with thoughts of how the day would play out. There was no predicting how my parents would behave. We pulled into the parking lot of the church Mel’s entire family attended and I shut the engine off. I looked up toward the tall steeple and memories flooded my mind—memories of a past that had long since faded away and a future that wasn’t meant to be like I once thought.

  Before I could look away from the building without seeming suspicious, Lissette asked, “Is everything okay?”

  There were things about me that I hadn’t disclosed, mostly because I didn’t want to complicate the simplicity we’d managed to capture within our relationship and partly because some things were just too painful to talk about. So, in an effort to maintain that innocence, I replied with a vague, “Yeah, I’m cool.” The smile I offered was far too weak to convince her that I’d just told the truth, but she didn’t ask again.

  I climbed out the car, grabbed my garment bag and shoes from the backseat, and walked toward the church. Lissette trailed behind just a little. Inside the lobby, I stopped, my eyes darting around the building, noting that it was mostly empty.

  “I think you can just wait in the sanctuary,” I said pointing at the double doors. “I have to head to the back. Will you be okay without me?”

  She had a good laugh at that, blinking her beautiful eyes once as she answered. “Yes, I’m sure I can manage.”

  I nodded, pulled her close so I could place a kiss on her forehead, and then turned the corner to find the room my brothers and I had waited in during rehearsal. Matt found me in the hallway when he stepped out of the bathroom, a look of relief sweeping over him at the sight of me. Grabbing my shoulders and spinning me so that my back was now to the dark paneled wall beside us, he looked around as if to make sure we were alone.

  Confused, I secured my garment bag over my arm. “What’s up?”

  “Dude, I’ve been trying to call you. Why didn’t you pick up?” he asked in a panic.

  I felt my pockets and found my phone, only now realizing it’d been on silent all morning. I explained that to Matt only to have him shake his head at me “Why? What is it?” My first thought was that it was either something having to do with Nick’s wild night, or they thought something was wrong because I was a little late.

  Matt continued to shake his head, looking around again before speaking, but when his eyes fell on me, I knew what he was about to say next. I knew and my heart sank. “…Cat’s here, man. I know she wasn’t supposed to be, but… she is.”

  My face went slack as I let the wall support my weight. “What? I thought Nick said… I thought she was still out of the country? That’s what he said!”

  “She was supposed to be doing some big fashion show/photo shoot… thing,” Matt explained. “—but I guess she really wanted to be here for Mel.”

  I cursed quietly, forgetting I was inside a church, and then took a couple steps to stand beside the window. Initially, there was a possibility that Cat could show based solely on the fact that she happened to be the cousin of Nick’s fiancé. However, last I’d heard, she wasn’t going to make it. I cursed again, realizing what a mess I’d probably just created by not planning ahead and preparing Lissette for the violent storm that is Catarina Radcliff.

  I sighed and thought about how, and even if, I should give Lissette a heads-up at this point. All she knew of me and Catarina was that she was my first girlfriend back when I was in eighth grade, but there was more. Much more.

  I braced my hands against the window frame and stared out into the distance while addressing my brother. “What the hell am I supposed to do, Matt? Lissette doesn’t know anything.”

  “Well…” he said as I listened to his footsteps coming closer. “Maybe she’ll be understanding. I mean, it isn’t like you two have been together long enough for you to have told her everything about your past. Don’t you think you kind of get a pass on this one?” Matt said, trying to convince me that this wasn’t as bad as I knew it was.

  “If it hadn’t been such a big chunk of my life that I spent with Cat… if it hadn’t been for everything else… maybe. But the bottom line is, this isn’t gonna go over well.” I lowered my head at the thought of how catastrophic this could be.

  Matt sighed and looked down at his watch. “Did you at least tell her about—”

  “No,” I said, cutting him off before he could finish and make me feel even worse than I already did. “I didn’t tell her any of it. I didn’t want to scare her off.”

  He stood beside me at the window. “At this point, whatever happens just happens. But we need to get ready. We’ve only got half an hour until the wedding starts, plus we have to do pictures and I need to set up my cameras to record without me.”

  There really was nothing I could do at this point. If I ran in the sanctuary now to tell Lissette everything, that’d look faulty as hell. I followed Matt into the room where Nick, our cousin, Leo, and the other groomsmen were all waiting. Nick saw my face and knew instantly that Matt had already told me.

  “Listen,” he said, making his way over. “This isn’t my fault. Mel didn’t tell me Cat was gonna make it until yesterday morning.” He smiled like it was no big deal when he shrugged. “And I meant to tell you last night at the party, but…” He shrugged nonchalantly again. “I wasn’t exactly in my right mind so.... yeah.”

  This guy.

  “Whatever, man.” I pushed past Nick and hung my garment bag so I could get my tux out. I should’ve been prepared for this seeing as how Cat and Mel are family, but I honestly thought she’d still be in Europe. That was supposed to be the end of it. No surprise pop-ups. I was supposed to have a chance to tell Lissette everything once we settled into our new life together—once I knew she was secure enough in what we had that knowing my history with Cat wouldn’t intimidate her. That was the last thing I wanted.

  I didn’t respond to Nick, so he walked away and went back to the mirror to smooth his hand over his hair. My head started to hurt. I got dressed, forced a smile or two for pictures, and then lined up to walk with the other groomsmen.

  From the doorway where we were lined up I could see the crowd, my mother and father seated in the front row—where they should’ve been seated for me two days ago, but I digress. I scanned for Catarina just to get my bearings straight. We hadn’t seen each other in almost a year—not since we broke things off the last time. I didn’t see her or Lissette.

  Matt and I, Nick’s best men, followed him into the sanctuary and I continued to search. There were too many people, though. I stood between my two brothers while a knot formed inside my stomach. It was only then, watching him sway just a little, that I realized Nick was hung-over, reminding me of why he’d forgotten to inform me that his wedding day would also be Dooms Day for me. I shook my head, just generally disgusted with this bastard. Hopefully he’d at least showered so Melinda wouldn’t smell the other women on him.

  By the time the rest of the bridal party came down the aisle, I gave up looking. Instead, I dropped my gaze to the floor and listened to the ceremony. It lasted way longer than me and Lissette’s, but then again, they actually had a real minister, so...

  Nick and Mel kissed and I rocked back and forth from one foot to the other anxiously as I stood with my hands in my pockets. Everyone applauded and I chimed in late. My mind was too busy going over all the possible scenarios that could arise once I finally
laid eyes on Cat.

  “All right, no receiving line. Mel thinks they’re pointless, so we’re gonna all grab our stuff and head to the limo,” Matt informed me while Nick and Melinda smiled at the photographer’s camera. I searched the crowd once more in vain and then followed him back to the room. I shoved my jeans and the t-shirt I’d worn to the church into the bottom of the garment bag, put my shoes in the front compartment, and then tossed it over my left shoulder. The other guys left Matt and I behind when I doubled back to grab my car keys. As soon as I had them, we made our way to the door again.

  Only this time… my jaw dropped when the vision on the other side of the threshold caught me off guard.

  Cat’s tall, thin frame filled the doorway, nearly matching my height in her heels. She seemed shocked only that we’d almost collided, not that she found me here. A hint of a smile touched her red, painted lips. It only grew when we finally got our bearings and made eye contact. Matt stood close by for a moment and stared at me. His gaze shifted to Catarina, and then to me once more. It wasn’t lost on me how reluctant he was to leave us alone. Twice he glanced back before finally walking off to join the rest of the bridal party in the limo.

  I focused on Cat again, only half believing my eyes. Here she was, in the flesh, no longer a ghost from my past that I couldn’t seem to outrun. It’d been one thing to have the brief conversations we’d had by phone, but another to be standing face-to-face. It’d been more than a year since that had happened. She looked at me with uncertainty behind her eyes.

  I took a few steps back to put distance between us, but she missed the hint. Instead, her black stilettos clicked against the polished, marble floor as she crossed one foot in front of the other, moving in close again. Too close. I adjusted the bag over my shoulder to look as casual as possible, swallowing hard as I did my best to forget how easy it was for us to fall into our old habits whenever she was back in the States.

  A smile touched her lips as she eyed me. “Look at you all dressed to impress,” she said, the slight tremor in her voice leading me to believe she was at least a little nervous to see me. Her gaze flickered toward mine as she struggled to find her confidence.

  “How’ve you been?” I asked casually. In my head, I chose to pretend she was just one of the guys—not the woman I’d spent a majority of my adult life with.

  Her lips parted and her blue eyes lit up. “Great! Everything’s great. Busy, but that’s a good thing, right?”

  I smiled weakly and nodded. “I didn’t think you were coming. That’s what I heard, anyway. Some photo-shoot or something like that.”

  She lowered her head. “Yeah, that was the plan. It didn’t feel right letting Mel walk down the aisle without me being here, though.” A small laugh escaped. “Are you disappointed that I made it?” Her eyes narrowed just a bit as she kept the cheery expression, trying to read me.

  I stepped back again to create just a little more distance between us when I picked up the familiar scent of her perfume. “Nah, not disappointed,” I lied. “Just… surprised.”

  For a second, she just looked me over, searching for something else to say, I guessed. “How’s work been?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “It’s work. Same as always. And your mom? How’s she?”

  There was a brief pause and a flash of sadness filled Cat’s eyes when I asked the question. “Not great, actually. But, you know… she’s hanging in there.”

  This didn’t come as a surprise to me. Cat’s mom had been diagnosed with diabetes quite a few years ago. She did her best to manage it, but still seemed to spend a fair amount of time going in and out of the hospital. It’d probably do them both some good to spend time together. I didn’t say anything, not wanting to speak on the issue any more than I already had.

  Cat gave an anxious smile, one filled with tension. Her eyes shifted like before and a breath hitched in her throat. When she met my gaze again, some of the uncertainty crept back in. Once she spoke, I understood why she was so nervous all of a sudden. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately,” she admitted. “I, um… I miss you, Luke. A lot.”

  She clasped her hands together in front of her and stared with desperation in her eyes. It was clear that she was waiting for my response, hoping I’d reciprocate these feelings. However, I wasn’t acting like myself, wasn’t that guy anymore. I was almost positive she felt me casting up a wall between us, which was new. I’d never done that before and I don’t think she knew how to react.

  In my head, I replayed our last departure. There was never anything that either one of us did that caused the frequent separations in our relationship, that was just kind of how it’d always been. Like when I went away to college a year before her. We broke up then, saw other people, but as soon as she made it onto the campus with me, it was like we hadn’t skipped a beat. Then, when she went to do that year-long internship in Italy, we saw other people then, too, but as soon as she came home it was just the two of us again. Life and circumstances seemed to separate us… but not a whole lot else. And trust me; we’d been through some tough situations together.

  The last time, she’d been pursuing her career in fashion and an opportunity came up for her in France. I couldn’t leave with her or stand in her way, but because of some terrible things we’d experienced shortly before the offer was presented, I felt like she needed to go, needed a fresh start. The only thing to do was to let her leave, encourage her to leave, which I did. However, for some reason she was here now. The nervous smile returned to her face and she looked down when she blushed, pushing her unnaturally dark, jet-black hair over the shoulder of her red dress.

  “You could say you’ve missed me, too,” she joked anxiously, reminding me of the statement she’d just made before I got lost in thought.

  I almost said it back purely out of habit, not because I meant it. However, the feel of the hanger from the garment bag scraping against my wedding ring stopped me. It stopped me and reminded me of the woman who’d brought an air of unexpected happiness to my life, the same woman who would soon be blindsided by my ex’s presence because I hadn’t known to give her any warning. Rubbing my brow with my free hand, I spoke, figuring I’d tell Cat about Lissette now and put out at least one of the two fires.

  “Look, Cat. I um….” Before I could finish my sentence, a silhouette caught my attention.

  Lissette.

  She looked in at Cat and I talking from the doorway where she stood, then took note of the fact that there wasn’t anyone else in the room. I was also pretty sure she could probably feel the awkwardly misplaced emotions vibrating from me and Cat as we stood there talking. Lissette forced a smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She knew something was off. I could tell she did.

  “I’ve been looking for you,” she said sweetly. As soon as the words left Lissette’s mouth, Cat lowered her gaze toward the floor at the sound of another woman addressing me so causally. Still, she never turned around to see who had interrupted our conversation. “I just… I need your keys so I can follow the limo to the reception hall,” Lissette added.

  Too abruptly for it to look natural, I rushed to lower the garment bag from my shoulder, pretending as if nothing out of the ordinary had gone on, pretending that my ex hadn’t just told me she missed me and had been thinking about me. I retrieved my keys from inside the pocket of my suit jacket and then walked the few feet to the door to hand them over to Lissette. She accepted them and then cast another glance toward Cat. She didn’t ask who she was, but her eyes were questioning. Cat still hadn’t turned around, only made herself busy by fidgeting with her fingers when I stepped away. Although, eye contact was never made between the two, I still got the impression that Lissette was suspicious. She stared at the back of Cat’s head because that’s all she could see, and then her eyes came back to mine, giving a faint smile.

  “Well, I guess I’ll see you at the reception then.” Her voice was so light, no undertones of mistrust or accusation. There really was none. She touched my arm a
nd her hand slid down to my fingers, gripping them once softly before finally letting go. I stood there for a moment as she walked away, disappearing around the corner near the exit.

  Seeing Lissette’s face sobered me. I raised the garment bag back to my shoulder and was fully prepared to confront Cat with my news—that I’d gotten married, that I was no longer available like I usually was when she decided to blow back through town. No. Things were different now. I was different now. Prolonging the inevitable was ridiculous and would only make this harder.

  Cat heard me approaching and turned to meet my gaze, her eyes flashing to me as she forced a smile. Next, she glanced toward the door quickly as if to confirm that we were alone again. Seeing that we were, her lips parted to speak, but those words never came. Instead, I watched as she reached her hand toward mine with a look of utter confusion spreading like wildfire across her face—confusion and heartbreak all wrapped up in one. Her touch was gentle when she lifted my left hand into the air and brought it closer so she could get a better look. I immediately knew what it was that caught her attention. She stared at the finger she was used to seeing bare. However, a thin, gold band rested there now.

  “Wow, I… I had no… I didn’t…” she stammered softly, eyeing my wedding band. Her mouth opened and closed again, but no other words were spoken.

  I watched for a reaction. So far all she’d done was stare at the ring.

  Blinking several times, sound finally left her lips. “You uh…” She paused to clear her throat. “You got married.” She posed this as a statement, not a question. Still, the look on her face made it clear that this was all very hard for her to believe.

  I stood there mute, unsure of what to say now. I was in no way ashamed of what I had with Lissette, but I’m honest enough with myself to admit that I cared a little about this news hurting Cat. It dawned on me that I might want to handle this situation delicately. She’d been through a lot; we had together.