Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  I saw her turn off her feelings like I’d known her to do in the past. Just like that, she traded the stunned expression for a smile that seemed out of place. It seemed out of place because I knew this couldn’t have been as easy for her as she was making it look. Not after all we’d seen. Not after all we’d been through.

  Untucking the purse she’d been clutching beneath her arm, Cat’s posture became casual. “That was her who came to the door?” she asked. Her voice went up an octave as she aimed her thumb toward the entrance where Lissette had stood a moment ago. There was curiosity behind her eyes. I imagined she was now anxious to see the face of the woman who’d taken my last name.

  I only nodded to confirm and it was then that I noticed the corners of her eyes had begun to water. It was slight, but the wetness was definitely there. She pursed her lips together and let my hand slip from hers. A single, rogue tear rolled down her cheek and she looked up at me, forcing another dim smile in an effort to hide the hurt. “Well… I suppose I should say congratulations,” she stated as cheerfully as she could.

  I didn’t know what to say and neither did she after that. Slowly but surely, the polite expression slipped from her face when she got tired of pretending. She inhaled a sharp breath and decided to let it show through that she was not okay with this. Her face was almost as red as her dress as she stood before me, trying to hold it together. Adding insult to injury, we were here in this particular church of all places, having a conversation about me being married to another woman. Tearing her eyes away from mine, Cat excused herself, leaving me to stand there alone wondering what was going through her head.

  I’d told Matt before that I’d cross this bridge when I came to it, not realizing I’d be blindsided by it. My thinking was that this, telling Cat about my marriage to Lissette, would’ve been on my own terms when the time was right. Now, here I was, staring this moment in the eye and it was harder than I imagined. I let out a breath and watched the empty doorway for a while as a range of feelings had their way with me. Seeing Cat triggered emotions and memories that I accepted a long time ago as being a part of me—woven into who I am. They just were. Still, they weren’t welcome here today. I loved Lissette, meant every word I’d said to her the night before. Cat being here wouldn’t change that. Whether or not she’d be able to accept that was an entirely different story.

  *****

  I wouldn’t leave the table because I was afraid to talk to them both. We’d been here for twenty minutes already and I hadn’t said one word to Lissette. She and Cat were seated on opposite sides of the banquet hall which was only a slight plus. Eventually, I’d have to face them.

  “So, how’d it go?” Matt whispered, as if we were under surveillance.

  I let out a breath. “We talked.”

  He stared, waiting for me to elaborate. “About?”

  I looked down at my left hand. “She just asked how I’ve been doing, said she misses me… and she saw my ring.”

  He didn’t say anything, just leaned back in his seat. He knew better than anyone how Cat and I were together. We’d both thought she was long gone this time, off pursuing her career. Hell, maybe that was still the case. For all I knew, she’d only come back for a night so she could be here for Mel. I was still looking down at my hand when Matt cleared his throat and a shadow darkened the spot on the table where I stared. I didn’t look up to see who it was. I couldn’t. However, the familiar voice that hit my ears next answered my question.

  “Can we talk?” Cat asked. My chest vibrated when my heart began to beat faster. I finally looked up just as she was glancing over her shoulder briefly.

  Lissette was still seated at her table, texting. I knew, before leaving this building today, I’d have to tell her everything. She deserved to know even if it still felt like it was too soon. Considering the fact that Cat was here, I didn’t have a choice.

  Matt cleared his throat again, giving me a look as I nodded, granting Cat’s request. I ignored my brother’s warning and held my charcoal-gray tie against my torso as I stood from the table and followed Cat over to the dim corner near the cake table. Lissette still hadn’t looked up, but I wanted to stay visible just so it wouldn’t look like Cat and I were sneaking around. We weren’t; we had no reason to, but I felt like I owed her an opportunity to vent. It seemed like it’d be best to let her do that now as opposed to that conversation taking place during a private phone call.

  Standing there in front of one another, Cat found her words. “Let me start by apologizing for my reaction,” she said quietly. “I really am happy for you, Luke.”

  “It’s fine.” I stared into her eyes and blinked when I realized what I was doing. “As long as you’re cool.”

  She smiled and nodded. “I am. It just took me by surprise, that’s all. Last time we talked, when I called about the bill being past due, you didn’t mention anything so…” She folded her arms over her chest and stopped herself from saying something else, but eventually decided to go ahead and make her feelings known. “I guess, in my mind it was supposed to be us one day. Like we always planned.” The smile she gave wasn’t convincing in the least. “It’s not that I expected you to wait for me or anything, it’s just…” she trailed off. “This is silly. It’s spilt milk, right?” She laughed off her obviously hurt feelings. “Anyway, introduce us! It’s not every day one gets to meet the luckiest woman in the world.”

  I looked at her for a moment and then at where Lissette was seated. When I reluctantly nodded, Cat followed behind me. I took a breath and put my hands in my pockets. In a way, this was a good idea. Letting Cat meet my wife would further define the lines of this newly structured relationship between she and I, make it clear that there were boundaries in place now that weren’t there before.

  As soon as I stepped to the table, Lissette looked up from her phone and met my gaze. I gave a tight smile, trying to ignore how my stomach had begun to twist and turn. Lissette returned the gesture, smiling back, and then her eyes slid to the side where Cat stood partially hidden behind me.

  Instantly, Lissette’s face went slack, brown eyes going cold. Not a good sign.

  “Uh… Lissette… this is Catarina,” I said, feigning confidence in what I was doing. Cat smiled in spite of how difficult this all was for her. She extended her hand graciously toward Lissette, waiting to greet her.

  I watched and waited for Lissette to lift her hand to meet Cat’s in the air, but instead she only stared. Slowly, she stood and kept her eyes trained on my ex. So much time had lapsed that Cat was just about to lower her hand, but at the last second, Lissette finally decided to take it.

  Cat cleared her throat and continued to be polite. “Nice to meet you,” she said, her voice sounding a bit strained.

  “We’ve met before,” Lissette shot back, prompting a look of confusion to fill Cat’s expression as she lowered her hand.

  “We have? Where?” Cat inquired.

  In the heat of the moment, with my nerves so rattled, the details of my conversation with Lissette from the night before had slipped my mind. I turned to Cat. “Yeah, Lissette went to Eisenhower with you.”

  Cat frowned for a moment while trying to make the connection. “What’s your name again?” she asked.

  Lissette gave her name with a cold chill in her voice. Meanwhile, I stood by with a nervous smile frozen on my face, praying for this tension to lift.

  Cat was thoughtful for a few seconds longer and then it came back to her. A slow smile spread across her face, but there was a hint of something behind it, something that I couldn’t place. Embarrassment maybe?

  “Oh… ok. I remember now. Lissette James,” she concluded as her cheeks flushed red. She looked down before forcing her gaze up toward Lissette again, as if looking at her had suddenly become difficult. “H–How’ve you been? Long time no see,” Cat added, trying to sound casual, but coming across as anything but.

  Clearly something was up and I was missing it.

  Lissette shrugged and replied
with a dry, “I’ve been fine,” as she folded her arms across her chest. You could cut the tension between them with a knife. Seconds passed and no one said a word. I was just getting ready to throw something out there to get the conversation rolling again, but Lissette cut in before I could.

  She turned to me. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to use the ladies’ room.” The smile she forced was fake as hell and I saw right through it.

  What wasn’t she telling me?

  “Yeah, ok,” I said, speaking the words to the back of Lissette’s head because she’d already started walking away. Cat and I stood watching as she weaved in between the tables and chairs, headed toward the lobby.

  “Ok, so what’s going on?” I asked, directing the question toward Cat.

  She didn’t say anything at first, just looked down at the floor. “Luke, I…” she started, but then fell silent. I led us off to the side of the room again so we could talk privately. Cat chewed the side of her lip thoughtfully before going on. “It was a long time ago, but… I wasn’t exactly nice to her back when we were in school.”

  I cocked my head to the side while she explained.

  “It started at Eisenhower I guess, but I used to pick on her something terrible,” a laugh mixed equal parts guilt and nerves slipped out. “Like… bad, Luke. Even in high school.”

  I thought back to when Cat and I were younger, unable to even recall a time I thought she’d even be capable of bullying someone. She always seemed so sweet when I was around, but I wasn’t in school with her and I guess girls are different toward one another than they are toward guys. Apparently, Lissette was her favorite target.

  “Picked on her how? She never told me anything about that when I brought you up.” I asked, folding my arms over my chest.

  She clamped her lip between her teeth again. “Taunting her mostly, but sometimes I took it further than that, got creative.”

  I shot Cat a look, trying to imagine her being like that. When my eyes shifted back in the direction Lissette had just walked off in, I wanted to go talk to her, but didn’t know if that was okay. Was this too sensitive a subject to bring up? Had she not told me what Cat had put her through because she was embarrassed?

  “We were kids though, Luke,” Cat cut in. “I had no clue she’d still be holding on to that.” She thought about it for a moment. “Actually, I never expected to see her again, but life has a funny way of making you pay for the things you do, doesn’t it?” She drifted off into her thoughts again and I had a pretty good idea of how the irony of the situation was coming together in her head.

  “I get that it was a long time ago, but what sorts of things did you say to her?” I asked, seeking clarity.

  Cat shrugged and a remorseful look crossed her face. She sighed. “I made fun of her clothes, her hair, her boney legs, her braces, just… whatever I could think of,” she said with a sigh as she looked down. “I’ll be the first one to say I treated her terribly. Look, if I thought she’d actually listen or believe me, I’d apologize to her myself, but…” Cat paused and shook her head. “—I don’t think she will. Just… tell her I’m sorry for…” she sighed again before adding, “…everything.”

  I didn’t say a word.

  Cat fidgeted with her nails like she always had a habit of doing when she was nervous or uncomfortable. “Just curious, though; how’d you two end up crossing paths?” she asked.

  I sent Lissette an, “Are you okay?” text before responding to Cat’s question. “We just met out one day. It’s just a coincidence.”

  Cat nodded and took a couple steps toward me. There was awkward silence between us. “I just can’t believe you’re married,” she said softly.

  I gave a weak smile just for the sake of being polite. My thoughts were on Lissette, glancing down at my phone to see if she responded yet.

  “So, what’s it like? Wait! How long has it been?” Cat perked up when she thought to ask.

  “Two days,” I replied.

  A look that I couldn’t place flickered across her face and she blinked. “Wow… only two days.” She gave my statement more thought. “Only two days before Nick and Mel’s wedding?”

  I nodded, dismissing her inquisitive tone, hoping she’d stop prying.

  “I take it it’s too soon to ask if you’re happy,” she smiled. “The early days are the best ones from what I hear.”

  “No, I’m happy,” I clarified, maybe a bit too abruptly. Cat pursed her lips together and gave a nod.

  We were plunged back into the awkward silence again following the statement, but she broke it. “Listen, about what I said earlier… I don’t know if this is allowed, but… I take it back, okay? The part about missing you. That was completely inappropriate under the circumstances. I had no idea you were… married,” she said sincerely, although, the last part came out a bit choked.

  I looked away from where I found Matt watching us from the front of the room. “It’s cool. You didn’t know.”

  Cat gave another tight smile. “Right. And now I do.”

  I looked up into her eyes for a moment and then turned away. This, us talking, catching up, was a bad idea. Politely, I excused myself. “Well, I’m gonna head over to catch my parents before they take off. They never stay at these things long, so...”

  Of course I knew my parents had absolutely nothing to say to me, but Cat didn’t. So, for now, it was as good an excuse as any to take off. I started walking away and Cat caught my hand gently to stop me. I glanced back to find a look of desperation on her face. When she realized I noticed, she cleared it away. Her eyes flickered and I slipped my hand out of hers as subtly as possible.

  “Don’t be a stranger, okay? I’ll be in town a few days to see about my mother,” she said, letting a hint of a smile break through.

  I nodded once and walked away like my life depended on it.

  In the very least… my marriage did.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Lissette

  Luke followed me through the door of my apartment in silence, just like the car ride home had been—silent. I was upset, but didn’t want to let on that I was. There were too many things wrong with this evening to name. For starters, his parents barely said five words to him when he went to speak and wouldn’t even look at me. But that was minor compared to the other pressing issue: What the hell was Catarina Radcliff doing at Nick’s wedding? What did she even have to do with anything? And what was the weird vibe I sensed between her and Luke? I mean… they hadn’t kicked it since, what… middle school? That crap didn’t even count!

  I played it cool when her name came up during our game the night before, because I hoped to God that Luke wouldn’t remember me from back then—like maybe she’d mentioned my name in passing; Lissette, the skinny, nerdy girl who she’d made her verbal punching bag. I almost had a heart attack when we started talking about high school because I was an even bigger mess then than I was in junior high. He thinks the glasses are sexy now, but I guarantee he wouldn’t have thought that back in the day. I was built like a twelve year-old boy until I graduated—no boobs or butt to speak of. I had no clue what to do with my in-between hair texture despite my mom and sisters trying to teach me, so it was always sticking out all over my head. And let’s not even mention the fact that I had no sense of style. Like… at all. Catarina made it her daily mission to find me in the hallways to pick on me all the way up until she graduated a year before I did.

  My mind went back to the weirdness when Luke reintroduced us. Why was that even necessary? Why was she significant enough now that he thought we should meet? Well, meet again. Something was going on. It was. I could feel it.

  I kicked off my shoes and set my purse aside on the end table, still not saying a word. Luke took a seat on the couch and it wasn’t lost on me that he kept his head down. When he finally met my gaze, I didn’t bother to hide my suspicions.

  “Can we talk?” he asked.

  At first I didn’t answer, thinking I probably didn’t want to hear whatev
er he was about to tell me, but I knew I couldn’t be like that. When I took a seat in the armchair and nodded, he continued.

  “I know why you’re upset,” he said cautiously. “Cat told me about your history. The teasing?”

  I cringed, thinking of all the excuses she must’ve made when explaining her side of the story to him. Now, whatever I said, it’d probably sound like I was being dramatic, petty.

  I shook my head. “That girl was solely responsible for making me cry on a daily basis from sixth to eleventh grade, Luke. It wasn’t just teasing.” I didn’t say this aloud, but Catarina had triggered an avalanche of insecurities that I still found myself fighting against present day. At the thought of it, I got upset that I was wearing this monstrosity of a dress when I ran into her. Luke claimed to love it, but he had to say that. I looked down at it and sighed.

  Luke was silent, but I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore. I had to ask.

  “Is there a reason why y’all are so cool? I thought whatever you two had was back when you were kids. Why was she there today?”

  Luke cleared his throat and I stared at him.

  What was he hiding?

  “She’s Mel’s cousin,” he started, and I let that sink in and I recalled how Mel had treated me these past couple weeks—the cold shoulder, side-eye glances, not showing up to our wedding. I swallowed and thought deeper. It made sense that Catarina would still be around if they had a link through family, but when Luke exhaled a breath, I held mine in, bracing myself. “But, Lissette… there’s more to it than that.”

  My shoulders rose and fell with each rapid breath that rushed in while I waited for him to go on. He was so reluctant, though, making me even more nervous.

  “I told you the truth when I said Cat was my first girlfriend, but… what I didn’t say is… we were off and on for quite a while after that.”