Again for the First Time

by Raven St. Pierre

  My heart sank as I tried to grasp what he was saying. “What do you mean… off and on?”

  He cleared his throat. “Well… we were together from middle school until I graduated from high school. Then we took a break,” he said, pausing for a moment. “We reconnected after that and lasted three more years during college until Cat left to go to Italy for a year.” Now he fidgeted with his tie a little. “Then, we hooked up again when she came back and stayed together until she left for France a year ago.”

  I was absolutely breathless when he finished. Breathless. I did the math in my head, subtracting the breaks he mentioned. “That’s ten years, Luke.” In my head, I was screaming the words, but they left my mouth as a solemn statement, a realization of how much of his life he’d committed to her.

  He lowered his head.

  My eyes drifted toward the window, staring at the setting sun as another realization set in. All of a sudden, it didn’t feel like Luke was mine anymore. It felt more like he belonged to Catarina. I swallowed hard and acknowledged that my feelings for him now felt foreign. He was now foreign to me. His past made a difference. It did. Technically, he’d done nothing wrong here, but I just had no idea who I was dealing with. Had no idea he’d been so intricately involved with one woman. Even if it hadn’t been Catarina, it would’ve been a hard pill to swallow. The looks of surprise on his family’s face when I walked in now made sense. It was a shock to them seeing Luke with someone other than her.

  I got up and went to stand beside the window I’d already been staring out of. I didn’t want Luke to have a clear line of sight to my face, but I could feel his eyes on my back. Without walking away from him totally, the only privacy I could get was this.

  I folded my arms over my chest and shuddered when I had a flashback to high school, of Catarina in her high-end, name brand clothes that somehow made her think she was better than me; her perfect skin, teeth, and hair. Then I thought of how she looked tonight in that form-fitting, red dress. Instantly I began to feel inferior to her just like I did back then. I hated that she’d always managed to have that power over me, leaving me to feel like she had it all. And now, come to find out, she’d had my husband, too—all of him, in every way you can think of—for ten long years. My hatred for her deepened even though I knew these feelings weren’t rational. That was all so long ago that maybe it shouldn’t have mattered anymore, but it did.

  A warm streak of water glided down my cheek and I wiped it away quickly before Luke could notice. He wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t get what it felt like to be someone’s doormat for so long, and then to find out that you shared such a significant connection. He wouldn’t get that.

  I cleared my throat and asked, “Is there anything else I need to know?” Surprisingly, the words came out sounding lighthearted, but that was only because he couldn’t see my face. That would’ve given my true feelings away.

  Luke hesitated from where he sat on the couch not too far away and I realized there was more. My eyes closed and I let the air leave my lungs while he made yet another shaky confession.

  “We were um… we were… engaged.”

  The sound of him standing from the couch made me freeze, knowing he’d try to touch me next. When he did, my body went cold. It wasn’t that he wasn’t allowed to have a past, it was just that… I couldn’t even put my finger on it, but this didn’t feel as right as it once did.

  “I’m sorry you’re finding all this out all at once,” he said, stroking his hands down my arms and then back up to my shoulders. “And I’m sorry for what Cat put you through.”

  I lowered my head and let some of the negativity slough off. His saving grace was the fact that we hadn’t been together long. There’d been no time for full disclosure I guessed, but it still seemed like this conversation had been avoided intentionally. It felt like something as significant as a ten year relationship and an engagement probably should’ve come up at some point.

  I thought more about our conversation from the night before, now in a new light than I once had. When I asked him where he wanted to visit, his answer was France—where he mentioned Catarina now lives. Was that his reason for wanting to go there? Did he still love her? The question made me feel foolish. How could he not and they’d been together so long. In his eyes, what we had must’ve been so insignificant by comparison, almost laughably so.

  Deep down I knew I didn’t have a right to be possessive over him, considering the length of our relationship, but I couldn’t help the way I felt. I wanted him to be in this as deep as I was, but now that didn’t feel possible. It seemed unlikely that his feelings for me could supersede those he harbored for her. Had he told me that he still loved her? No, but there was no way those emotions had simply disappeared.

  Luke’s lips went to the side of my neck and the warmth of them made my eyes close again. His hands continued to brace my shoulders. I tried desperately to separate my feelings toward Catarina from this conversation, but the lines were so blurred.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, Lissette. I really am,” he whispered before placing another soft kiss.

  I didn’t want there to be bad blood between us, but he’d omitted so many details about his love life, when I’d been upfront about everything. Everything. Even the one thing that I thought could be a deal breaker. And although I’d never admit it out loud, I hated that the love of his life had to be a woman I’d declared my enemy. The things she’d done, the things she’d said… In one evening she’d made me revert back to that same girl I was back in the day.

  Luke wrapped his hands around my waist and moved in closer, not making a sexual advance in any way. It felt like he just wanted to be closer.

  “Tell me what I can do to make this better,” he said softly.

  I closed my eyes and more tears slipped out without him knowing. When I shook my head, he listened.

  “Nothing. You don’t have to do anything,” I replied. And that was the truth. Two weeks in, there were bound to be things we were still learning about one another, so I chose not to make a bigger deal of this than I already had. He’d broken everything down for me and I would just have to learn to be okay with it.

  *****

  Luke

  Lissette snored softly in my arms as I breathed in the soft scent of her hair. She’d forgiven me for holding back the details of my past, but I had a feeling it wasn’t as easy for her as she’d made it seem. I tried to put myself in her shoes, imagine what it’d feel like to find out she’d been so intimately linked to someone who’d hurt me as badly as Cat had hurt her in the past. The sting was probably worse than I could fathom. Still, though, she’d forgiven me and moved past it. At least she said she had.

  It was hard to imagine Cat being like that to someone. As long as I’d known her, which had clearly been a long time, she’d always been a good person as far as I could tell. Bullying? That didn’t seem like her, but she’d admitted to it. I felt torn. On the one hand, I was forced to see the lasting effects of what she’d done when I looked into Lissette’s eyes, but on the other hand, Cat was a kid back then; maybe it was unfair to hold what she’d done against her.

  Now I had Cat on my mind, too. I’d become accustomed to her existing halfway across the world while I carried on here. It pained me to accept that I still cared about her on a very basic level—especially considering my current situation—but sometimes things happen that bind you to a person for life. And we’d faced such a thing that had.

  I found myself wondering if Cat’s feelings were hurt following the news about me and Lissette. I was already aware of the fact that caring about her was bordering on inappropriate, but I did. It’s almost impossible to spend so many years making it your personal business to make sure one woman is happy and then to just decide one day to turn that off. If I could have, I would have. It’d be nice if it was that simple.

  When I realized that it wasn’t going to be as easy for me to doze as it was for Lissette, I slipped out of bed and went o
ut to the living room, deciding to check in on Matt. If I knew my brother, he was still up anyway, going over video footage or something of that nature. Like I expected, he answered quickly, sounding bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

  “Yo.”

  I had to smile, imagining him sitting in our dining area, which he’d transformed into a film room where he could review and edit his work.

  “Can’t sleep. I figured you’d be up,” I replied.

  “Everything okay?” he asked, turning down the volume on a piece of footage in the background.

  “Nah. Not really,” I said in a low voice, propping my feet up on the coffee table, and then taking them down when I reminded myself that this wasn’t my place.

  “Trouble in paradise?”

  His statement made me shrug even though there wasn’t anyone else in the room to see it. “Something like that, but first tell me how the rest of the reception went after we left?” I asked. Lissette and I didn’t stay until the event ended. I was just ready to get out of there and so was she I could tell, but probably for different reasons even if the same person was at the root. It just felt like Cat was watching us even when she wasn’t. The whole situation just weirded me out a bit. When Lissette didn’t object to us cutting out early, I was grateful. It was clear that my parents weren’t ready to budge, so as far as I was concerned there was no other reason for us to stick around.

  “Honestly?” Matt replied. “I left kinda early, too. You know me, though; I’m not big on all the dancing and drinking and everything.” He chuckled and amended his statement. “Well, not anymore. Plus, I had editing to do, so I came back. Pretty sure we didn’t miss anything.”

  I nodded. “Mom and Dad avoided me tonight like I figured they would. Which is fine, I guess. Too much on my mind to deal with them right now, anyway.”

  Matt yawned into the receiver before saying anything else. “So, uh… your talk with Cat; how’d that go?” he asked, leaving me to breathe a sigh of relief that we weren’t face to face where he could’ve read me. He knew me better than pretty much anyone. My expression would’ve given everything away.

  “It wasn’t good or bad I don’t guess, but… being around her really affected Lissette.”

  He didn’t say anything. Just listened.

  “Apparently Cat used to treat her bad back when they were in school together. She bullied her for years, but I can’t imagine Cat being like that.”

  Matt snorted a laugh, implying that it wasn’t so hard for him to believe it.

  “Anyway, my point is just that their history with one another made my history with Cat that much more awkward. You know?”

  “Yeah, that’s one hell of a coincidence. I don’t envy you,” he added. “Lissette told me about the bullying stuff in one of her candid interviews, though. You didn’t know?”

  I found myself listening more intently now. Maybe Matt could offer some insight that would help me understand Lissette’s point of view on this. It wasn’t that I didn’t sympathize with her, I just didn’t get why this had affected her so deeply. I mean, yeah… I got that my news was hard to swallow, but she’d been down for the rest of the evening after our talk. Not bitter like I would’ve expected, given the fact that I just revealed something major about my past that I hadn’t made her abreast of before. She was sulking, hurting. I needed to be able to identify with the cause so I could help her get past it, help her heal from the wounds that clearly still festered.

  “What’d she say to you?” I inquired.

  He was casual in his response. “Not much, just that it happened and that it was one girl in particular.”

  I sat there, thinking about the fact that this would’ve all been so much simpler if the two of them hadn’t known each other in the past.

  “This is definitely something that could’ve been avoided, or at least dealt with more favorably, if we’d spent more time getting to know each other,” I said under my breath while I daydreamed, thinking of one last confession I’d eventually have to make to Lissette.

  Assuming I ever found myself actually able to talk about it…

  “Be honest,” Matt cut in. “Do you think there are more pros than cons doing it the way you two did it? Versus knowing each other for years like Nick and Mel?” he asked. “I mean, I know today sucked balls, and it’s probably not the best time to ask, but still.”

  I shrugged again. “If you’d asked me yesterday, I definitely would’ve said there are more pros. But now I’m starting to see how things could balance themselves out. Time certainly does weed out a good amount of drama all on its own.” I wasn’t being negative, this was just a fact. Rushing into this marriage was bound to come with certain risks… and I think Lissette and I had stumbled upon one of those landmines tonight. Granted, we’d weathered it, but still. It happened.

  “I think that’s how it’s supposed to be, if you ask me,” Matt reasoned. “There will probably always be things to work through and new things to find out about each other, whether you’ve been together a week or a decade. But I imagine that’s what keeps it interesting,” he laughed. “Just don’t start thinking all doom and gloom. It sounds like you two made it out of this one unscathed.”

  We had. I took his advice to heart and eventually ended the call when I felt myself starting to get tired. Slipping back beneath Lissette’s warm sheets, she found her place curled into my side without even waking up, as if that was just her body’s natural response to mine when we were close. I loved it. Loved her. Loved that she’d been so forgiving tonight, even if it was hard. I made up my mind then to talk to her about what she went through in more depth in the morning. I said before that I wanted to know everything there was to know about her, and this was no exception. The things that made her tick, or made her insecure, or just made her who she is in general, were worth knowing in my opinion. So, if she was willing, I wanted to find out more. Find out what version of Catarina Radcliff she knew.

  *****

  The cup of coffee I’d fixed for Lissette steamed on the table, but she hadn’t touched it. When I mentioned that I thought this conversation needed to be had, Lissette wasn’t exactly happy about opening up old wounds. However, I think she understood that I really just wanted to hear her story, wanted to know what this had been like for her.

  She sniffed, and as much as I hated to see her cry, I let her do so on her own without closing the foot of space between us to grab her into an embrace. She insisted she was fine, so I let her have some space while gathering her words.

  “I remember the very first thing she did to me,” Lissette began, her face turning red as she thought back. “We were only maybe two weeks into school and I came out of one of the bathroom stalls. I looked up and saw her staring at me while she was washing her hands at the sink. I used the one down at the other end because I could just tell by looking at her that she wanted to say something, or do something, so I was just trying to stay out of her way. But it didn’t matter.” Lissette paused and shook her head as her gaze drifted out the window. “I walked toward the exit and she stepped in front of me so I couldn’t leave. She looked me up and down like… like I just disgusted her or something, which I remember thinking was strange because I’d never even spoken to the girl. Not once. But for some reason there was just this hatred behind her eyes for me. I couldn’t place it, had no idea where it came from, but it was there.”

  The visual that her words painted wasn’t pretty. As I sat there watching her explain, she looked like a little girl the way she pulled her knees up to her chest while her toes dangled off the front of her chair. She was folding into herself, but I don’t even think she realized what she was doing. I continued to listen, but watched her body language, too.

  “So, she’s standing there,” Lissette continued. “…and then, just out of nowhere, she snatches my gold necklace off my neck. I mean, literally rips it off of me and holds it up in the air while she’s holding me back with her other hand. I tried so hard to get it back because my dad had just bo
ught it for me when I got my new school clothes that summer. Catarina and I wrestled over it for a while, ended up on the floor, and then she snatched my glasses off my face too and snapped them right in half. No reason. I hadn’t done anything to her, hadn’t said anything. This was simply her way of letting me know I was less than her and that she hated me. While I was trying to get up, she dropped my necklace in the toilet and flushed it.” Lissette hugged her legs a little tighter. “And that was a good day,” she added, leaving me to wonder what some of the heavier things were that Cat had done to her.

  “I never knew that side of her,” was all I could say.

  Lissette laughed cynically, but it never touched her eyes. “I’m sure you didn’t.”

  Her eyes went cold as she continued to stare out the window. There was a question on my mind and I had initially thought to keep it to myself, but it made sense to bring it up while we were on the subject instead of bringing it up later. It was either that or never ask it and continue to wonder. Clearing my throat, I tapped my finger on the side of my own mug.

  “Does it bother you more that I spent all that time with Cat, or do you think you would’ve been just as upset if it’d been some random woman? I guess I’m asking if it was the fact that I held it in that bothered you, or… because it was her.” I felt strangely vulnerable while I awaited Lissette’s response.

  “Both,” she admitted honestly. “I felt something when I walked in on you two at the church already. Like…” she paused to think of how to word it. “It didn’t sit right with me even though I didn’t know who she was at the time. All I saw was the back of her head. And then to find out that it was Catarina… that just made it worse.”

  I watched her expression when I asked my next question. “What do you mean you felt something?”

  She shrugged, but chose not to look at me. “I saw you before you saw me. I saw how you were looking at her. It was like you were… like you were looking at the woman you love,” she finally admitted, forcing the words from her mouth. “And it made me feel very insignificant.”