18 Thoughts (My So-Called Afterlife Book 3)

by Ayres, Jamie

  I laughed deliriously, the crazy past ten months catching up with me. “Yeah, me and you both, hombre.”

  He stared at me like he didn’t know what he was looking at. “Conner?”

  “Yep, it’s me. Olga is gone.”

  Nate held out his hand to help me up. “Did I just knock that… thing… out of you?”

  Rubbing both hands over my back, I tried to ease the intense throbbing there. “Nope. Olga invited him in to herself to save my sorry butt, then he, she, whatever, took off.”

  He shook his head. “And you just let them?”

  I kicked the railing. “There was nothing I could do to stop it all! She took the gun I had and ordered me to wait ten minutes or she’d shoot. Whether she meant herself or me, I wasn’t sure. Doesn’t matter for Sam. He can just jump bodies, right?”

  Nate glanced up and down the quiet street. “Where do you think she would go, now that Sam…? That’s his name? The demon?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, and he knows it now, too. I’m not sure why he kept up the dumb act for Olga back there, claiming he didn’t know who he was.”

  “But he’s possessing her?”

  Leaning against the railing, I still struggled to catch my breath. “Yep.”

  Nate buried his face into his hands, his next words coming out all muffled. “Where would he go?”

  “No idea.” I dug around in my pockets, looking for clues. Nothing. My memories were always fuzzy when Sam was in my head. He shut me out as much as he could. “But we need to do something, and fast.”

  “We should check her house first and warn her parents about what’s going on,” Nate said.

  Driving was the last thing I wanted to do with a pounding headache, but we ran to my car anyway. “Don’t you have Olga’s keys? How’d she leave?”

  “I had just gotten the door unlocked when I passed out. When I woke up, I was lying on the sidewalk. She must’ve moved me there before taking off.”

  Too bad Sam didn’t just run him over. I glanced at Nate as I started my car, thankful at least that he couldn’t hear my thoughts. After a minute of driving, I felt him studying me. “What?”

  “Just trying to figure out why Olga keeps risking her life for you.”

  The heat from the air vents tossed the pine-scented air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror, but that’s not what made me sweat. “I don’t know. She definitely shouldn’t. I’m not worth it.”

  He picked up my Christmas in the Stars CD sitting between us on the drink console. “There’s a Star Wars Christmas album?”

  I nodded. “Olga got it for me. Said she found it on Black Friday at Best Buy for $1.96.”

  Nate smirked. “What a freakin’ bargain.”

  Squinting hard as I approached a stop sign, I said, “Seriously. “What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas When he Already Owns a Comb” is classic. I don’t care if I die in December or not, I’m instructing Olga to play that at my funeral while serving Wookiee cookies.”

  “I can arrange that to happen sooner than later if you’d like.”

  I let loose a quick, disgusted snort. “I’d like to see you try. Oh wait, that’s right, you’ve been trying to get rid of me ever since you got to Grand Haven. But guess what, I’m not going away.”

  He threw the CD back down. “Look, you’ll always have a special place in my heart as my first archrival and everything, but I think we need to put all of that behind us now and be civil. We need to work together to find Olga, and she’d want us to be friends anyway.”

  My stomach squeezed in on itself. I wasn’t sure if it was his kick from earlier making me want to puke, or how he always claimed to know what Olga wanted. “I don’t know, man. Everyone has to have an enemy. Harry Potter has Voldemort, Spider Man has Green Goblin, Luke Skywalker has Darth Vader, and I have you. We bring balance to the force.”

  His cell alerted him to a text message, and he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

  “Olga?”

  “No, just an old friend I ran into last week.”

  He slid the phone back into his pants, but not before I saw a girl’s name on the screen. “Who’s Lindsey?”

  Nate grunted. “That’s only something I’d tell a friend. Now, are you ready to talk to me like a normal human being, or are we gonna sit around discussing superheroes and villains all night while our girl is missing?”

  I faux laughed. “My girl, and you can’t talk to a psycho like a normal human being.”

  He took a deep breath. “Yeah, well, normalcy isn’t really our thing. So I doubt you’ll have trouble believing what I have to tell you.”

  Pulling up to Olga’s apartment building, I killed the headlights. “What do you have to tell me?”

  Nate’s hands shook in his lap, putting me on edge. “You might want to keep the car on for the heat. This may take a while.”

  Everything in me, my body parts and my insides, felt cold as I listened to Nate telling me about him and Olga breaking into Sean’s cabin and finding some mysterious files. I rubbed my hands along my arms and swallowed hard. “I don’t understand. If the three of us died, how are we here now? Did we come back to life after spending time in another dimension without remembering it? Do our parents know we died on the table?”

  Nate stretched the cuff of his black leather jacket over his palm, like he was desperate for warmth too. “I don’t think I have enough information to answer any of those questions. It was really confusing to us, too, and Dr. Judy didn’t offer any answers when we visited her the next day. She told us to let it go. The thing is, it would make sense that maybe you and I died after our accidents without remembering. I’ve heard of weird stuff like that happening before. But what about Olga? She never swallowed a whole bottle of pills a week after your accident. And it seems like our parents would’ve mentioned something about us dying on the table, unless the doctors didn’t tell them. I don’t know. Nothing makes sense.”

  “Let’s go see if Olga’s inside. We can brainstorm this later.”

  Nate nodded, and I slid the key out of the ignition. Over the past eighteen years, my worship of everything Star Wars had been the only religion I’d known. But as I walked up to Olga’s door, I found myself praying hard.

  “We are responsible for what we do,

  no matter how we feel.”

  —Nate’s Thoughts

  Olga

  y skin tingled as I sat on my bed, shaking uncontrollably. Strangely, I could still feel my body. I just wasn’t in charge of it anymore. I had no idea how or when I’d gotten home. This was what Conner had explained to me. Patches of time go missing without any hope of getting them back. All I knew was Sam’s presence vibrated and hummed underneath my skin. I walked to the bathroom, splashed my face with cold water, then studied my reflection in the mirror.

  Sucking in a deep breath, I said, “Olga?”

  The flash of darkness around my corneas told me my own personal demon was talking to me. I’d known weird this past year, but this moment took the cake.

  “Consider yourself lucky,” my reflection told me. “Unlike Conner, I’m going to communicate with you so we remain on the same page. We are going to lay low for a while. Your parents and friends won’t notice anything is off. I’ll make them think you were strong enough to kick me out, and I went away for good. I can access your mind to keep up your grades for school. Is that all right with you?” I heard the sound of my giggle, but nothing in my spirit wanted to laugh. “Oh, that’s right. You don’t have a choice.”

  An icy chill raced down my spine, and a memory flashed in my mind, a memory of me from another perspective.

  Sandals clack across the tile, and I look up to see a young girl approaching the bed, black-framed glasses covering beautiful blue eyes. Her long, red curls are frizzy, and she’s a petite little thing, a couple inches over five feet maybe. She wears slim white pants that end at her ankles and an unzipped gray hoodie over a T-shirt featuring a Shakespeare quote. Despite her fidgeting hands, she looks exc
ited. I recognize her picture from the file. Conner instantly responds to her, jumping around inside like a dog greeting a human at the door.

  “Took you long enough.” I make my tone flirty, seductive.

  “I know! I’m so sorry! Phone was off.” She rushes to his bedside and gently wraps her arms around his neck.

  She smells fresh, and on the spot, I want to lick her milky-white skin, but I resist the urge for now. “You can squeeze me harder, Olga. I’m not going to break.”

  She laughs, giving him a little squeeze, then carefully sits next to him on the bed. A few faint freckles decorate her skin underneath her eyes and across the bridge of her nose.

  I can feel how desperately Conner wants to touch her, so I let his hand come up and cup her face. A palpable zing—unexpected and almost like lightning bolts of energy—causes me to suck in a breath of surprise. I have to have her. I shove his hands in her hair and pull her toward me with a fierce longing. She goes limp as his lips attack her, perhaps too shocked to respond. I decide to wake her up, too. When I shove his tongue in her mouth, she pushes her arms against his chest and shoves him backward.

  The rush of adrenaline deflates, but I keep my gaze on her. “What’s wrong? I thought this is what you wanted.”

  “I do. But, Conner, you just woke up, and I don’t know. It just isn’t how I imagined my first kiss.”

  I chuckle internally. “Your first kiss? Well, that explains why you were so bad at it.”

  Her cheeks flush red as I laugh aloud. Her chest rises and falls with rapid breaths, her taut nipples teasing me through her shirt. Possessing her would definitely be my body of choice, so much innocence to ruin. But first I’ll have to find a way to get her to invite me in. I bet Conner could help with that part.

  Seeing the memory from Sam’s point of view was unbearable. A flood of rage rushed through the parts of me I could still call my own.

  “Do you see now, love? This has been my plan all along. You’re the one I wanted. And now that I have you, I’m never letting go.”

  A knock sounded on the bathroom door. “Olga? Nate and… Conner… are here to see you.”

  The spirit smiled at me with an ugliness no mirror could truly capture. I realized then what a conundrum I’d gotten myself into. The spirit within me didn’t possess one trace of humanity but was also an intelligent being, probably smarter than me, and a thousand times more powerful.

  My hand turned the knob.

  Mom rubbed her temple. “What’s going on? You come home early from your date with Nate acting all weird, now he’s here, with Conner. And Conner says he’s back to his old self. Do his folks even know he’s in town again? Isn’t there a warrant out for his arrest?”

  “I’m not sure.” It was my voice, but the sound pushed from my lips seemed foreign. “He date crashed us earlier, and we had a fight, so I left and came home. I didn’t want to talk about it, still don’t.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “You just left Nate alone with him? On his birthday no less! Olga, at the very least, you need to come out of this bathroom and apologize to Nate.”

  “Okay.” Again, the voice belonged to me, but I had no control over the words.

  “Good. Your father and I will be in our room phoning Conner’s parents. We’ll leave the door open, so yell if you need anything.” She angled her body away from the door so I could walk past her.

  Conner and Nate stood side by side in my living room. Nate leaned toward me, studying my eyes. Nate, I’m here! I can’t control my body, but I’m still here. Please hear me! Sam is gonna try to hide in me so nobody thinks I’m possessed.

  Nate took my hand. “Are you okay, Olga?”

  I nodded, feeling buzzed like I had after those two drinks at Kyle’s house party in September. “I was too strong for Sam to hold on. He didn’t come back to Conner?”

  Don’t listen to him, Nate! I’m here! I’m here!

  Conner’s arms were tight over his chest. “I’m just fine and dandy. Why don’t we move this conversation to your back porch?”

  I let Nate lead me outside, my ability to move my legs without my brain’s command a mystery. The three of us sat on the lush bank of the pond behind my building, our shoes dangling above the motionless water. A deer briefly lifted its head near a patch of duckweed across the way, eying us curiously before disappearing into the night. Ever since I’d moved into this apartment when I was eleven, Conner and I would come out here to talk, knowing our conversations could remain hidden here among the tall cedars.

  Conner gently took my left hand while Nate still held my right one on the other side of me. Conner’s rough fingers felt warm against mine, dainty by comparison. An obvious vibration hummed inside me at his touch, something I didn’t feel when Nate touched me. It made me feel free, even though I wasn’t. Conner’s wrinkled brow, his flushed cheeks, and his concerned smile made me love him all over again.

  “What do we do now that Sam is gone? Did he give you any clues as to where he was going?”

  He’s right here in me! Every cell in my body cried the truth, but there was no way to force the words to my lips. I thought maybe they’d at least see something different in my eyes, though I hadn’t always seen the change in Conner’s eyes… only when Sam got really angry. And for now, he was playing it cool.

  “A spirit came to my aid. Said Sam was condemned back to hell forever. He won’t bother us again.”

  Liar!

  Conner nodded, smiling.

  “Well, that’s extremely lucky for all of us,” Nate said.

  “Luck has nothing to do with it. Olga is strong, too strong and too pure to be possessed.” Conner’s words gushed like tears. “And although what you did for me was brave, it was incredibly stupid. I thought I’d lost you.”

  He brought his arms around me, holding me, but Nate refused to let go of my hand.

  “Conner.” Mom’s voice reached through the darkness from the porch. “Your parents are here to take you home.”

  “Crap. I’ll call you later, okay?” Conner’s whispered promise in my ear made me greedy for more of him.

  I didn’t know if my personal demon’s lust made me crave his touch or if a stronger connection to his soul existed when I was really only in spirit form now. Or maybe there was a stronger connection because we shared the same demon. Ugh.

  Conner patted my leg, kissing my forehead before standing. “Take care of my girl tonight,” he told Nate. “And thanks for your help,” he added in a low rumble that sounded sexy as hell.

  Nate and I sat in silence for a while. A breeze winnowed along the water’s edge and through trees, filling the air with the scent of wood smoke. Soon, I heard a car start and back out of the lot, and I figured that was Conner leaving with his parents. I watched my fingers skim the surface like water striders, creating ripples that carried my touch across the pond. I just wished my thoughts could still carry to Nate’s mind. I’d tell him all about the conversation I had with that young girl in my room, and about the one I overheard in Dr. Judy’s office yesterday with the angel. Wait, what was his name? That was weird; I could barely keep myself from thinking about him all day, and now the name eluded me. Riel! Yes, that was it. I wondered if he could help me. If only I would’ve told Nate about it earlier. Oh well. I might as well have some fun while I could. I lifted my wet hand and trailed it down Nate’s cheek, neck, and underneath the collar of his shirt to his shoulder.

  His eyes lit up, but he gently took my hand away and held it firmly in his. “There will be time for that later. It’s been a busy day. I think you should rest, don’t you?”

  I nodded, the need to shout any more thoughts at him disappearing as he began to hum—a soft, smooth tune mingling with the flutter of a sole bird overhead. A smile on my lips, I closed my eyes and let the rolling lullaby sing me to sleep, the invisible force keeping me trapped inside my own skin.

  “Not until we are lost

  do we begin to understand ourselves.”

  —Henry Da
vid Thoreau

  Nate

  hen my alarm clock went off Tuesday morning, I tried not to panic. Since Friday night, I’d slept a total of six hours at best. School was the last place I wanted to be today. I needed to conduct more research. I’d had an extra day of investigating with President’s Day giving us a long weekend, but my research was turning up nothing but dead ends, and I needed to go to school to keep an eye on Olga.

  My iPod lay on top of my sticker-encrusted desk, and I grabbed it, along with my laptop, and cleared away a pile of twisted blankets from my black futon before sitting. My ear buds blared “Hopeless Wanderer” by Mumford & Sons, fittingly singing about a heavy heart and clouded mind as I brought up the Internet. At the Google prompt, I typed more searches, trying different combinations in hope of some answers. Juvie. Camp Fusion. Leo. Dr. Judith Newton. Limbo. Real.

  I laughed when the definition popped up for that last word: actually existing or happening, not imaginary. Because none of this could really be happening.

  After Olga fell asleep Friday night, I carried her to her room and took the files she’d stolen from Sean’s cabin. She’d told me she hid them in her underwear drawer, figuring nobody ever looked there. I debated telling her parents about the possession before I left, but I didn’t want them to start acting differently and tip Sam off. The last thing I wanted was for him to disappear like he did with Conner. If Sam knew about my mind-reading trick, it was clear he didn’t think I could still hear Olga’s thoughts now that he’d taken over, but I could. The thoughts were faint, like an echo you hear far away, but still there.

  All weekend, I devoured every article I could find on demon possession, searching for a way to get Olga back. When I returned from my day trip back home last Friday, I could tell she kept something from me, something having to do with Dr. Judy and somebody named Grace and another person named Real. But I could also tell she was keeping it from me because she wanted me to have a normal birthday, so I left the subject alone, figuring she’d tell me later that night or the next day at the very least.