As I Am

by David B. Jai

  I felt somewhat conflicted because I’d just told Toe that I loved him, and now the prettiest girl I ever saw wanted to get to know me a “little bit better!” “Well, Theresa, you can get to know me more by calling me,” I said, laughing.

  “Oh, for real,” Theresa said, laughing. “That’s how you are going to do me. OK, Darnell. I’m going to call your bluff. I’m going to call you.”

  The second half of the game was about to start, and Toe’s team was on the floor. This time Toe saw me talking to Theresa and didn’t seem to mind, but I was winking at him to make sure that he was secure.

  “Dang, just as our conversation was getting good, I got to go cheer,” Theresa said regrettably.

  I observed her well defined calf’s as she walked carefully down the bleachers. Left alone, I began watching the basketball game. After a few minutes, I noticed Jaurice coming back over to talk.

  “Child, I’m tired,” Jaurice said. “These boys are trying to run a hoe down.”

  Given his sentence’s inferences, I could only conclude that he was telling me that he was gay and in high-demand. I ignored his comment and kept watching the game. G-Ma said that whatever you feed grows, I did not necessarily want this conversation to continue.

  “I think it’s so cute that you and Toe have on the same jersey numbers on.”

  I tried to give Jaurice a signal that I wasn’t understanding him by saying, “What do you mean?”

  “Your jersey number is forty-seven, and Toe’s team number is forty-seven. That is not a coincidence. I knew what he was doing when he got the jersey for you.”

  “Look, bro, I am not a faggot. I am not certain where you are getting your information. But you are way off-center.”

  “OK, child! I just wanted to make sure if there was a chance for us or not. I do this with all the trade. We’ll just be friends.”

  “Friends is fine, just don’t cross the line,” I said while watching the ball game.

  Feeling embarrassed, I quickly glanced down at my jersey number and then looked at Toe’s. Ironically, our jersey numbers are the same. What does this mean, does this mean Toe and I are public? I don’t want to be public. Toe should have told me. “Calm down Darnell, it’s not that serious,” I said to myself. I practiced a few breathing exercises and got back in synch to my environment.

  There were about five minutes left in the ballgame, and Theresa decided to walk over to where I was sitting. “Jaurice!” Theresa said, smiling. “My man don’t want you!”

  “Girl, everybody wants some of Porsha’s pussy,” Jaurice said.

  I could not keep my composure, and I bust out laughing extremely loud and hard. I laughed until tears started to form in the corner of my eyes. I laughed so hard I was gasping for breath because I could not believe what Jaurice said about pussy.

  Getting my breath, I asked, “Who is Porsha?”

  Theresa chimed in, “Darnell, don’t ask because I’m sure you will regret it.”

  “Love birds, I’ve got to run. Tootles!” Jaurice said waving and still seated.

  “First Porsha and now lovebirds, what is that all about?” I asked Theresa.

  “You have to take whatever Jaurice says with a grain of salt. He is crazy. He tried to date me when he first met me,” Theresa said, laughing as she headed back to the floor to cheer. I was left alone with Jaurice again.

  “Darnell, you don’t have to be ashamed, come on and tell me, you and Toe are a couple right?”

  “I thought you were leaving, but no, we are not!” I blurted without looking in his direction.

  “Child, he bought those clothes and jersey for you, and you didn’t even know his team number. Bitch now, that’s the tea,” Jaurice said as he fell back on the bleachers laughing.

  “Child, they,” as he was pointing to the crowd, “may not know, but your sister knows the tea,” Jaurice said, as he was still laughing.

  “Toe likes you, and you can’t even deny it. I think you all would make a good couple,” Jaurice said.

  I couldn’t believe Jaurice was having this conversation with me in the middle of a basketball game. Plus, how would Jaurice know that Toe likes guys? I never asked Toe if he engaged in homosexual behavior before. But it didn’t matter.

  “Jaurice, again, I’m not sure where you’re getting your information, even though it’s somewhat flattering. However, that is not the case,” I said.

  “Oh, so you and Toe are not together?” Jaurice asked.

  “No!” I blurted loudly.

  I turned around and looked Jaurice in his eyes. “I don’t know where you’re getting all your information from, but you are way off base, bro.”

  “OK, calm down, child! I was just making sure because you are a good catch!” Jaurice said as he laid back in the bleachers.

  Theresa saw the commotion and decided to come back to where we sat. “Jaurice, are you making trouble up here with my man?”

  “Naw child, this one is clean, so I need to keep moving,” Jaurice said as he got up and finally started walking down the bleachers. “I will holla at you love birds later. Smooches.”

  “That boy is crazy, but, Darnell, he means no harm. “Theresa said.

  “Probably not, but I don’t know him that well for him to ask about my sexual preference.”

  Theresa started laughing, as if I had said something funny. “Darnell, he asks everyone that. He even tried getting with me, but you know my gaydar is on point.”

  We both started laughing as the game came to an end. The final score was Rita Ross 92, Trinity 81. I sat in the bleachers and waited for Toe to come out.

  About ten minutes later, Toe came out of the locker room looking magnificent. He wore a red and black jogging suit with the number forty-seven on the front and a huge number forty-seven on the back.

  “Yo, good game, bro,” I said to Toe.

  “Thanks, man!” Toe said, as we started walking to the car.

  “You got game!” I said, hoping that Toe would pick up on what I was saying, especially with us wearing the same jersey numbers.

  “Not as much game as you do. I see you were busy tonight with Jaurice and Theresa.”

  “Nah, just a little chitter-chatter about our jersey numbers being the same number.”

  Toe smiled with that fantastic grin. I just knew he was up to something.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

  “It’s rather simple. I didn’t tell you for the same reason you told me that you could play basketball and can’t.”

  My mouth flung open, and I gently pushed him on his shoulder with my hand as I bent over and laughed. He had found out my secret. We both almost passed out from laughing, as I drove both of us home.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The fall season was finally here, and I started my senior year at Rita Ross High School. I was anxious because I had embarked on the short road to graduation and adulthood. I practiced what I had been learning in therapy: breathe, relax, and bring closure to my young adolescent attitude. Also, I looked forward to embracing a long life of adventure with my new beaux Toe. Our relationship continued to advance every day because I finally felt comfortable being who I am. Toe secured me on the days that I doubted myself or came in conflict with my sexual orientation. I felt emotions inside me like love, acceptance, and a sense of belonging that I thought I would never feel, like true authentic love. For me, it was the occasional smile, a long gaze, or even a gentle kiss on the lips. Sometimes, I couldn’t fathom that I had found love. I’d discovered how to be loved and accepted by a man, something I’d been craving all my life, and it felt incredible. Toe was my life. He was my everything and anything that I could dream of in an individual. Toe was tall, handsome, and he loved me despite my numerous flaws. Just like all couples, we had our disagreements, we had our fights and bickering, but we made a promise that we would never let the sun
go down on any of our arguments, and we lived by that rule. I often thought back to when Toe was in the hospital, lying on that hospital bed with tubes in him. I saw what my life would have been like without him, and I started to tear up. I couldn’t imagine how things would be without Toe. He was a form of healing for me. Toe was also a form of acceptance, and for me to accept who it is that I am and feel comfortable in my skin, although there were times we both did not feel comfortable with our sexual identity. However, we kept pushing forward and embracing who we are.

  I had been a little anxious about starting my senior year at Rita Ross High School because it was a new start, sort of a new beginning, and I didn’t know what to expect. At my last high school, the guys teased me a lot because they thought I was gay. No matter how much I would tell them that I was not or how masculine I got, my femininity still stuck out. There were times in my last high school where I would walk down the halls and people would call me names like fag or sissy. Even the staff was in on it and would not allow me to play on the boys’ basketball teams during PE time; instead, I had to play with the girls. Although my game was crap, I felt like I didn’t fit in with the guys, nor did I fit in with the girls. There’s something about when you try to portray something that you aren’t that makes you mentally uncomfortable. I was extremely nervous in my skin. I didn’t have any friends, but then I wasn’t looking for any. I was in my world, in my own space in my head, and Rita Ross it changed me because my popularity grew, and it was growing fast. I attributed that to Toe because wherever he went, I went. Sometimes we would manage to sneak in the bathroom and get a quick kiss between classes. My relationship with Jaurice and Theresa also continued to be a part of my everyday crew. Theresa’s beauty made up for Jaurice’s flamboyant antics. Toe didn’t seem to mind too much because he knew that I loved him and he loved me.

  About three weeks into the new school year, we were changing classes. Toe and I had a designated spot where we would meet between classes. Toe said he’d like to check on me to make sure I was OK. It brought great joy to my heart to see my boyfriend between classes, especially with his pleasant, caring personality and his beautiful smile. One day, while walking to meet with Toe, someone yelled, “Hey, that’s that punk from Cherokee High School!”

  I was frightened because I knew that he was talking about me, as I recognized his face from my last school. I didn’t tell Toe why I started at the new high school in my senior year because I was bullied, and I was nervous about how people would perceive me. I continued to walk to meet Toe, and as I got up close to this guy, he made it evident that he was talking about me.

  I paid him no mind and attempted to ignore him by walking past him. Just as I got about three feet away from him, he said, “Hey, punk, you hear me?” I began to ponder how this could follow me from one school to the next. I thought about Toe and his affection with me. I wondered why I couldn’t escape all of this name-calling. I switched schools, moved miles away, and it still followed me. Deep down on the inside, I wanted to run and hide. However, a small crowd had gathered. I wished there were a sandbox close by so I could just stick my head in it and escape. I thought, Where is Toe? I began to look around for him. He usually protects me, but now I was alone and there was no one to rescue me. My heart was pumping fast, and my adrenaline started to increase. My fear began to turn into anger. I reasoned that I don’t know this dude, and I refused to become another victim willingly. My anger and frustration boiled up in me, and suddenly, without provocation, I turned around and faced the young man, saying, “Who the fuck are you talking to, bitch?”

  I started running toward this dude like a lion attacking a gazelle. G-Ma said, “Don’t think about it be about it.” That gave me power as I was running to fight. I balled up my fist and hit this dude in the eye. He started swinging and made a connection with my jaw. Feeling the pain, I went crazy. I started having a flashback about the molestation, my dad, and Reverend Moore. I grabbed this guy by the throat. He started hitting me in my ribs and I managed to get loose. He came back for some more like he wanted to box. Well, I am not a boxer and certainly would not have the upper hand. I moved in close within arm’s reach, grabbed the young man, put him in a headlock, and started to give him an uppercut to his jaw.

  I managed to pin the guy to the ground and started pounding on his face.

  “Who’s the faggot now, bitch?”

  “Stop! Stop!” Toe said as he ran toward me. “Break it up yawl!”

  I could hear Toe’s voice, but I continued punching this guy.

  “Darnell! Stop it, bro!” Toe said. However, at that point, I couldn’t stop. I was pissed. Toe grabbed me and started separating us. I broke free from Toe and ran back to the dude for more. Toe ended up grabbing me and pushing me into the bathroom.

  I was furious. I was yelling, and I was cussing, and I did not care who heard what I was saying. I couldn’t believe the audacity of this guy disrespecting me by calling me these horrendous names. Besides, it would have a tremendous impact on my reputation when I had a respectful name. I was not going to let this punk-ass nigga ruin that for Toe or me.

  “Baby, come here,” Toe said.

  I was ignoring him because I was furious.

  “Come here, baby,” Toe said, as he was trying to calm me down. “Baby, come here, you’re bleeding.”

  I realized that one of the few punches the guy got in was straight to my lip. I had a small tear. Toe grabbed some paper towels, wet it, and started to dab my lips.

  “Baby, what happened?

  “Man, he called me a fag. I wasn’t doing shit to him but walking to meet you.”

  “Damn bro, where would he get that from?”

  “Well, to be honest, the reason I transferred to Rita Ross was that I got bullied at my last school. I didn’t know how to stop it, so I continued to let it happen. I didn’t have the confidence that I have today.”

  “You were bullied? You never told me that.” Toe stated, full of curiosity.

  I began to have flashbacks about a situation that occurred when I was in the first grade.

  “Toe, can we find an empty classroom, and I will tell you what happened?” I asked as other students entered the bathroom.

  We walked down the hallway and found Mr. Wurzbach’s empty history classroom.

  “When I was seven years old, on my first day of elementary school, I arrived in school and met my teacher Ms. Jackson. Soon the classroom filled with students and Ms. Jackson requested that all the students grab their chairs and make a big circle. Then she asked us to introduce ourselves by giving our names and any nicknames that people call you.”

  “OK Bo, I understand that, but what does that have to do with you being bullied?” Toe asked.

  “One by one, each student stood up giving their real name and their nickname. It was my turn and I stood up with pride, “My name is Darnell Terrence Williams, I’m seven years old, and my dad calls me faggot’”

  Toe looked at me with great shock.

  “Everyone in the classroom started to laugh loudly. I thought it was a good thing, but then I wondered what was so funny. I looked at Ms. Jackson and she was laughing as well. I begin to laugh too. Then suddenly, my classmates burst out into a loud chant, ‘faggot, faggot, faggot . . .’ I thought it was a good thing, so I chanted with them.

  Eventually, Ms. Jackson chimed in and told the students not to call me “faggot” because it was a mean and nasty word. I didn’t understand, but even before I have a reputation, my name was tarnished. I became known as “faggot” from first to eleventh grade.

  Toe took in a deep breath and dropped his head. After a few seconds, he lifted his head saying, “Damn Bo, I’m sorry that happened to you! Come and hug me!”

  I leaned over and barricaded my head in Toe’s chest.

  “Bo, man, I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you!”

  “No worries, man,” I said, calming down
and wiping the tears away from my eyes.

  “Darnell, damn, you messed that dude up. What did you learn to fight like that?” Toe said, smiling.

  “I temporary blacked out. I didn’t know what I was doing. It was like I was fighting for my life and all the anger, frustration and madness came to surface. My brother and I used to wrestle all the time, and he taught me how to make some moves. I guess this time they came in handy.”

  “I’m going to sign out of school early today. I’m just not feeling it.”

  “I’ve got some mandatory classes today plus basketball practice. I can cancel and come with you if you like?”

  “Nah, that’s cool. The alone time probably would do me some good.”

  I leaned over and kissed Toe on his jaw and left the classroom. Thankfully the halls were empty. I went to the main office and signed out of school for the rest of the day. I walked home, made some hot tea, and laid down. Robbie and I were sharing rooms again because the water pipe broke in the basement. It didn’t bother me, as he wasn’t hardly home anyway. I thought about calling Dr. Blackmon but figured I was OK and didn’t need to worry him or anyone else about my problems. I turned on the TV to MTV Jams and watched Janet Jackson’s “Funny How Time Flies When You’re Having Fun” video. I felt my eyelids starts to get heavy and dozed off to sleep.

  Click. Click. Click. I heard sounds like hail hitting the window. I thought it must be raining hard outside. I hoped Mom had put her car in the garage. Click, Click-Click. There the noise was again. I decided to get out of bed to investigate. To my surprise, Toe decided to cut classes in to come to check on me. I started smiling as I opened the window.

  “Bro! I just wanted to be with you. I know you had a frustrating day, but can I just come and hold you for a while?”

  “I wish you could, but my Mom is home right now.”

  I thought about it, and having Toe hold me would be just what the doctor ordered, so I changed my mind and allowed him to crawl through the window.