As I Am

by David B. Jai

  “Give me your hand, and I’ll pull you up.”

  I knew that if my mom caught me, I would be in big trouble; however, I decided to take the chance. I reach for him, and Toe jumped on the edge of the wall and lifted himself up into the bedroom. Once in the bedroom, Toe gave me this amazing warm hug. We talked for a while, and we laid in the bed, fully clothed. Eventually, we both fell asleep.

  Toe changed positions and threw his arms around me, waking me up. I turned over and cracked my eyes. Suddenly, I noticed that it wasn’t daytime anymore but night. I looked at my brother’s bed, and to my surprise, he was lying in his bed asleep. I panicked. My brother was going to tell my mom on me. How do I get Toe out of here without waking my brother?

  “Toe, Toe,” I whispered very carefully and touching him gently to wake him up.

  Toe opened his eyes and seemed a little puzzled. Realizing that it was dark outside, his eyes got big, “Oh shit!”

  I pointed to my brother sleeping over in the bed. We got out of the bed and headed toward the door. I opened the bedroom door like I was going to pee. I was checking around to make sure Mom was asleep in her bedroom. After observing no movement in the hallways, the coast was clear. Toe tippy-toed out of the front door laughing, “I’ll see you, tomorrow, baby!” Toe said, kissing me on my lips.

  “OK, tomorrow it is.”

  I gently closed the door and went back to bed, smiling. Well, at least I thought so. I managed to tiptoe back into the room. I wondered if my brother saw Toe in the bed with me. Was Robbie going to snitch? I recited a little prayer, pulled the covers over me, and started to think about Toe.

  “Darnell! Are you asleep?” Robbie asked.

  Oh my God, I thought to myself, he must have heard everything. “Yeah, barley, why what’s up?” I already knew what was up. He was going to ask me about the guy who was in my bed.

  “Was that Toby St. James from Rita Ross High School asleep in your bed?”

  I became lost for words. I could not even think of what to say. I felt that I should ignore him, just like I learned to do so well, or be truthful. Honesty is the foundation of change, and since I’m changing my life, now is the time for me to speak my truth to Robbie.

  “Yeah, bro, I’m sorry. I got into a fight at school, and he came by to make sure I was OK.”

  “That’s cool, but both of you were hugged up like you’re dating or something.”

  I continue to lay there and pondered on my response, do I continue to live a lie and masquerade my feelings, or do I be truthful and come out to my brother. I reached the point where I was exhausted and frustrated about hiding my sexual orientation, especially from individuals at school, at church, and now at home. Why can’t people just learn to love me as I am? I seriously thought about lying to my brother, but to do so would mean that I still had to suppress my truth about who I am and how I felt. What if I tell him and he snitches to Mom? Suppose I get expelled from the house? The war inside my mind was intense. Finally, I took a deep breath and said, “Yes, that was Toe in my bed.”

  Robbie let out a big sigh and sat on the edge of his bed. I knew that I would have to fight him for having another male in my bed and in our room. I was exhausted from the fight in school, but now it was time to fight at home. I just need a break! God, can I please have a break today, I prayed.

  Robbie was still quiet, just looking and staring at me with disgust. “Darnell, man, I’ve wanted to have this conversation with you for years. How can I make up for what I did to you?”

  I started to frown, then I sit upon my bed and began to listen. “What do you mean, Robbie?”

  “You know years ago when you did that to Ronnie, I told mom, and she beat you. I had no idea that she was going to do that. I am so sorry that that happened to you. I’ve been carrying the guilt around for many years. Darnell, I know that life has not been good for you, and you’ve had it rough. If I was in your shoes, I don’t think that I would have been a strong as you are. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry for how I treated you, and it doesn’t matter to you to me if you’re straight or gay. You will always be my little brother.” Tears formed in the corner of his eyes.

  I took a deep breath. “Thanks, man! I appreciate that, and I apologize for the times that I didn’t allow you into my life and for shutting you out.”

  We hugged each other to make light of the situation; however, what my brother had just told me was monumental. I felt confident that my brother accepted me just the way I am, giving me even more peace.

  “So, look bro, can you get me some free tickets to the basketball game,” Robbie said, smiling.

  “Yeah man, you’ve got that coming.”

  I laid back down, feeling incredibly blessed. My life was finally coming together. I found the love that I craved from a man and I had a social life and friends. Plus, I had a boyfriend who accepted and loved me despite all my flaws. God is truly good.

  Chapter Eighteen

  After the fight at school, it seemed like I earned everyone’s respect. I couldn’t walk down the hall without someone calling me Rocky or trying to be my friend for protection from other bullies. I felt honored; however, I didn’t like the fact that I had to use physical force to earn it, especially since I had been a victim of physical abuse, and I wouldn’t want to wish that pain on anyone. I often wished that I could have taken myself out of the attack, especially since I had ambitions to become a psychiatrist. After all, what psychiatrist beats up people? My G-Ma said, “You don’t have to downgrade someone to upgrade yourself.” I took it to mean that I don’t have to disrespect anyone to make myself look good. I knew what it was like to be in both emotional and physical pain, and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on my worst enemy.

  Toe and I continued to thrive and were inseparable. Each day it seemed like we fell deeper and deeper in love with each other, and he would do small things that would make me smile. Sometimes, it was the way he touched or looked at me, and other times it was a warm embrace or holding my hand while watching a movie at home. It wasn’t any particular item, but I love how he smelled, his choice of cologne, and how he blushed at me. We often said that we were soulmates, and God must have put the two of us together for a reason.

  Toe continued to advance in his basketball career, led the state in the most rebounds, and scored the most points in a single game. Toe was also selected to be on the Kentucky High School All-Star Basketball Team again in his senior year, which summoned the college scouts. He’d often meet with these scouts. There was nothing sexier to me than to watch Toe prepare for his future. Jackée Vaughn, our premier sports anchor, liked interviewing Toe and was captivated with this talent, charm, and infectious personality. We developed a signal system; whenever he was on TV, he would wink at me, which would show how much he loved me. Amazingly, every interview, he winked.

  Saturday afternoon, Toe had an on-camera interview with WAVE-TV 3, our local television station. The meeting was to air at 1:30 pm. Mom and I gathered around the television to watch. I couldn’t believe my first love was a basketball star heading for an exciting career in college and then the NBA. He was going to be interviewed again by Jackée Vaughn.

  “I am here with senior guard Toby St. James from Rita Ross High School. How are you doing today, Toby?”

  “Hi, Ms. Vaughn! Thank you for having me on your show today.” Toe seemed very polished in his interviewing skills.

  “Toby, how does it feel to be in your senior year average in thirty-four points a game, seven rebounds, and ten assists?”

  “It feels amazing. I can’t do it all by myself, though. I have wonderful people in my corner to help me along the way.” Suddenly Toe winked his right eye. I began to smile because not only did that mean he loved me, but at that particular moment, at the beginning of his career, he was still thinking about me. I felt fortunate, I felt good, and I felt reassured that this is the man for me.

 
“So, Toby, which schools are you considering attending after you leave Rita Ross?”

  “Well, I don’t have a definitive answer right now, but I’m talking it over with my family and girlfriend to make the best decision for all of us,” Toe said.

  “OK, we are waiting for your final decision. Give us at least your top three picks?” Jackée said.

  “Well, I didn’t want to come public right now, but I am strongly considering Georgetown University, Duke, and UCLA.”

  “Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it, straight from Mr. St. James’s mouth. Toby, thank you so much for talking with us today.”

  “Thank you for having me.”

  “The city of Louisville is behind Toby St. James and his accomplishments in basketball. We look forward to hearing much more from him as he starts his new journey at whichever college or university he chooses. Stay tuned to find out more. Now back to the studio.”

  I was all smiles after the interview. Toe looked beautiful as ever. And of course, I felt privileged because he winked at me. I felt like a high school girl with her first crush; however, this was my reality and not a fantasy.

  “So, Mom? What did you think?”

  “That boy is going to make it big. But I noticed something about him that is familiar. Darnell, I can’t put my finger on it.”

  “You said that before. But I am just so happy for Toe.”

  “I am as well, son. However, I did not know that Toe had a girlfriend? You and Toe are always together.”

  The implication that Toe could be cheating with Rochelle behind my back blew my mind. I didn’t know how to answer the question. If Mom knew that I was his girl, she’d probably faint.

  “I don’t know, Mama!” I said, blushing.

  The telephone started ringing, so I answered it.

  “Hello!” I said, as I picked up the phone and put it to my ear.

  “What’s up, Bo, What are you doing?”

  I immediately started smiling, as I walked into my bedroom to sit down and talk to Toe.

  “Nothing. I just finished watching you on TV. You looked amazing, plus you’re so articulate.”

  “Well, Bo, I try to do my best. I can’t talk for too long but wanted to see if you can go to dinner with me and my family tonight to celebrate.”

  “Sure, I can see if I can get the car. Who’s all going?”

  “Well, it’s Mom, Dad, Scott, Rochelle, and hopefully you.”

  “Rochelle? Your ex-girlfriend?”

  “Yeah, Bo. Please don’t trip. I know what you’re thinking, but just trust me in this situation.”

  My heart sank. Had Toe been dating Rochelle all along? Was the wink for Rochelle? Was Rochelle helping him with his college choices as well? Damn, I gave this Negro my heart, and now he’s been cheating. Where was Rochelle when he was in the hospital? She didn’t nurse him back to health. Where was Rochelle when he was laying on top of me? Now I learned that she’s in the picture and may have been for a while. I felt betrayal and fury on the inside.

  “Bo? Are you still there?”

  I wanted to cuss him out and hang upon him, but I remember edthe pledge I made in the hospital. Taking a deep breath and rolling my eyes, “Yes, I am still here. And yes, I will meet you!”

  Toe noticed that sarcastic change in my voice, and he could tell that I was extremely irritated. “Bo, please don’t be like that. I love you and will never cause you any intentional pain.”

  Fuck you asshole, I thought to myself. “I know, where should I go?” I said, conceding.

  “Meet us at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse downtown at 7:30 p.m. Dad has a private room in the back, so tell the host that you are with the St. James party, and they will tell you where to go.”

  Unenthused, unimpressed and reluctant, I said, “OK. See you then.”

  “I love you, Bo!” Toe said

  “I love you to Toby!” I said in a dry and disenchanted voice.

  We hung up the phone. I was agitated and raging with emotions. I slammed down the phone. My thought patterns were numerous and irrational. Don’t this nigga know I will kill him? Why would he do that to me? I said to myself. I needed someone to talk to, but who would understand what I was going through? Besides Toe, the only two people that I associated with were Theresa and Jaurice. I couldn’t tell Theresa because she would probably flip out and tell everyone at school that I was gay. So, I pondered and rationalized that Jaurice would be the best person to ask for advice. It was risky, but somehow, he may be trustworthy; at least I hoped so. So I called him.

  “Hey, Jaurice, it’s Darnell! Do you have a second to chat real quick?”

  “Boy, yeah, I’m not doing anything right now but looking beautiful. I’m hungry, do you have something for me too munch on?”

  “I’m sure if you come over, I can make you a bologna sandwich or something like that.”

  “I’m not talking about that type of food. I’m talking about the other type of food that you just suck on.”

  “Hahaha, very funny. You got many jokes. But I need to talk to you about something. Can you put on your serious hat for just a second?”

  “OK, child, this sounds serious. Let mother sit down and take her seat.”

  “Jaurice, before I get started, this conversation has to be between only you and me. I am trusting you.”

  “DeeDee, you are working my nerves. But if you say it is in confidence, I’ll promise you I will not tell a soul.”

  “Look, Jaurice, I don’t know any other way of telling you this, so I will come straight out with it.” I begin to pause and think about what I was getting ready to tell Jaurice about an intimate side of me. Something that I hadn’t admitted to anyone. I avoided my feelings like the plague, but to be whole, I need to acknowledge it now and get Jaurice’s advice. “Look . . .” I stalled for about three seconds, took a deep breath. “Toe and I are in a monogamous committed relationship.”

  Suddenly I heard the phone drop to the floor. I wondered if Jaurice was OK.

  “Jaurice, are you there?” I asked, but there was no response. “Jaurice, Jaurice,” I yelled.

  “Oh, I am so sorry. That load of tea made me faint. Mother had to pick her face up off the floor.”

  “Please don’t tell anyone.”

  “Child, the tea is in the bag, and I’m not letting it out. But I just saw his big sexy ass on TV talking about his girlfriend and then deciding on what college he was going to attend. That boy is confused.”

  “I know, so he called me a few minutes ago asking me to meet his family and his ex-girlfriend, Rochelle, for dinner.”

  “Rochelle, why is she going? Wait a minute, I am so sorry, but I got to say it, or I am going to explode. I mean no disrespect, but BITCH what?”

  Jaurice’s theatrics made me laugh, and I took my mind off the seriousness of my dilemma. “I know, right!”

  “Child, does Rochelle know about you, honey? I would love to plaster my ears all over that wall.”

  “I’m not sure, how do I handle it?”

  “Bitch, what do you mean? You better tear up that damn restaurant. Get Jackée Vaughn with breaking news. Toe gets a beat down by his jealous lover. Details at eleven.”

  I laugh. “I can’t do that. However, I can listen.”

  “Child, you going to listen and run to the bathroom and cry like some white bitch? You better bring the heat. Do you need me to come with?”

  “I know, right? I will be supportive, but would it be wrong if I just walked out?”

  “Hell, no, child, don’t walk out, but run out.”

  “OK, thanks for talking and making me laugh. I’ll let you know at school tomorrow.”

  “All right, and don’t be hitting Toby like you did the guy at school,” Jaurice said, laughing.

  I began to laugh again. “I’m not going to hit him; I love that boy.”
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  “All right, darling, I will talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Bye, crazy Jaurice.”

  I hung up the phone and continued laughing to myself. Jaurice was crazy and certainly lifted my spirits. I got the car from Mom and went to meet Toe and his family.

  I thought about our relationship and how I had attributed my cure for PTSD to Toe. Would it be that bad if he continued seeing Rochelle? After all, I wanted a wife and children eventually. How would I feel if we changed the relationship from monogamous to open? Internally, I didn’t like how that sounded because why would someone want to have an open relationship if they genuinely love the person they are committed to? And that person, of course, is meeting all of their needs? Then suppose the other person’s sex is better than mine? He might leave me and go to the other person. Would Toe still give me the love and attention that I need, or would he pay more attention to the other person? I really had a lot to think about with Toe. I can’t be mad at Rochelle because I’m sure she doesn’t know the Toe and I are male lovers.

  I pulled up to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse. The parking lot was practically full. However, I saw Toe’s mother’s car parked close to the door. I got extremely close to the front door because of the handicap sticker that my mother had. I looked at myself in the mirror and, assured my tie was in place, turned down my collar. I fluffed-up the small curls in my hair to ensure that they were all in place. I took a deep breath, opened the car, and walked into the restaurant. I was amazed at the big wooden doors and the brass handles, as it must have been about twelve feet tall. There were torches lit on the outside, and sweet piano music was chiming through the music system.

  As I opened the door, a blonde-haired girl greeted me. “Hi, welcome to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse! Is it just yourself tonight, sir?”

  “No, ma’am, I’m with the St. James family.”

  “Oh, OK, let’s go this way.” The hostess started to go toward the back of the restaurant, and I followed. The restaurant was full, and as I walked through, I felt like everyone was looking at me. I started to get a bit nervous because I did not precisely know what I would be walking into. How was this situation going to go? What would his mom say, and how do I interact with Rochelle, being that she doesn’t know that Toe and I are romantically involved?