As I Am

by David B. Jai

  I walked into the room, and it was a medium-sized, with a big table in the center that seats about eight people. I was the last to arrive. Everyone turned and acknowledged me. Immediately I noticed Rochelle looking down at the floor and not making eye contact; however, I tried to pay it no attention.

  Toe jumped out of his seat to greet me. “Wow, look at my boy! He cleans up good!”

  “Well, you know, I try,” I said jokingly, trying to change my mood.

  I turn to greet Toe’s parents and Rochelle. Rochelle squinted her eyes like something was troubling her, but I couldn’t make out what it was. She didn’t make good eye contact with me, just kept looking down at the ground. I knew that something was going on with her. I just didn’t know what. I decided to be cordial. After greeting everyone, I took my seat and began to look at the menu. The waiter came up to me and asked me what I want to drink. I ordered seltzer water with lemon.

  Suddenly, Mr. James stood up. “Thank you all for coming tonight. You all know how proud I am of my boys, both Scott and Toe. We celebrate Toe’s spectacular interview on WAVE-TV 3 to see if we can give him some assistance making his final decision on which college to attend. So, let’s dialogue, eat up, and see if we can point my son in the right direction.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” Toe said, “but I don’t know how much direction I will need. I have narrowed my choices down between UCLA, Duke, and Georgetown, as I said during the newscast. I decided to turn down the University of Kentucky and Indiana University because I don’t feel like they would give me the best opportunity to join the NBA after graduating college.”

  I sat back in my chair and watched Toe’s mannerisms, articulation, and good looks. I felt fortunate to know that he was mine, maybe not all, but we’ve had some beautiful moments, and I was thankful that I could share them with him.

  “UCLA is too far, baby,” Mrs. St. James said.

  “I know, Mom, but I think that it would give me the best exposure.”

  “Little brother, Georgetown, has a wonderful league, plus it’s a little closer,” Scott said.

  “I’m certainly considering that one too.”

  I remained reticent because I thought that this would be a family decision. However, I was elated to be in the midst of such an intimate conversation.

  “Darnell, what do you think?” Mr. St. James asked.

  “This is a family decision; I think you all would know much better than me.”

  “Darnell, you are Toe’s best friend, and you have to add your comments,” Mr. St. James said.

  I thought, no, he didn’t use the word friend. Toe and I are more than friends. Typically, friends don’t do the same things that we do regularly. While looking for the words to say, I happened to see Toe winking at me. I started to smile and happily roll my eyes.

  “Well, since you want my advice, I’m going for Duke,” I said, smiling.

  “If Toe attends Duke University, he’s not more than eight hours from home, and he will get the exposure he needs. Besides, let’s not forget the Duke made it to the Final Four. He would get the exposure needed for the NBA. Heck, if Toe played at Duke, like he’s playing now, then perhaps he will lead the team to the NCAA Championship.”

  I’m somewhat selfish because Duke would only be a half-day’s drive for me, plus I couldn’t imagine life without Toe. Although I was attending Notre Dame, I could always rent a car and drive to see him.

  “For the same reasons, I agree with Darnell.” Mr. St. James said, chiming in.

  “Toe, Darnell does make some great points. I forgot about Duke making it into the final four last year. You may be able to take the team to the championship,” Scott said.

  “Well, I’ve got a few months to make a final decision, but Darnell, I hear what you’re saying, bro. I want as little distance between us as possible,” Toe said, smiling.

  Suddenly Toe’s Mom sparked up after listening to what Toe stated about the distance. For some reason, she began to frown when he commented on accepting my suggestion about attending Duke.

  Mrs. St. James said, “Toe, you and Darnell are childhood friends. I’m sure when you get older, the distance will be a factor for both of you. You all will go off with your own family, have children, and have your own separate lives. So, don’t make a permanent decision based on something temporary.”

  Without thinking, Toe said, “Mom, don’t use the word temporary when referring to Darnell. I value his opinion, and we may be together for longer than you think!”

  “Baby, you are too young to see the big picture. However, since Darnell is majoring in psychology, I’m sure that he will see my perspective.”

  Mr. St. James said, “Well, let’s change the subject before this conversation gets out of hand.”

  “Mom, I can’t be without Darnell! Actually, the real reason why I’m strongly not considering UCLA is because of Darnell.”

  “I don’t understand, son. You will miss out on an opportunity at UCLA for a friend? That’s your dream, baby. Toe, you’re thinking irrationally.”

  Toe’s demeanor changed and he became irritated. I began to slouch down in my chair and bowed my head because I dared not interrupt a family conversation. I dared not say a word to Mom and son while they were debating.

  “Mom, Dad, Scott, open your eyes,” Toe said.

  I started to get knots in my stomach. Suddenly I wasn’t hungry: but I could feel the direction the conversation was beginning to go. I decided to sit back and just roll with it.

  “Son, is there something you want to tell me? What are you saying?” Mrs. St. James asked.

  “Oh, hell, here we go.” Mr. St. James said, putting his hands on his forehead.

  “Mom, please be understanding, but you need to know that I am gay, and Darnell and I are lovers. He is much more than a friend dad and someone who is just temporary. He is someone that I would love to spend the rest of my life with. It’s my choice, and I choose to love Darnell, who happens to be a male. So, there you have it!” Toe said in a non-aggressive voice.

  The room grew dark and started closing in on me. I felt like I was in the hot seat with all eyes were on me again.

  “You are what?” Mrs. St. James said.

  “Mom, please hear me clearly, I am gay, and I am in love with Darnell.”

  Again, the room got quiet. It seemed like all the oxygen was just sucked out of it.

  Mrs. St. James seems to be backed in a corner and had no other option but to get the attention off her. “Scott, did you know of this?” she asked, diverting.

  “Yes, ma’am, I have known for some time now. Toe deserves to be happy.”

  “What about you, Rochelle? I know this must be devastating news to you because you came out to support Toe. I feel so terrible for you right now.”

  “Ms. St. James, there is no need. Toe told me about Darnell three months ago. So, I’m just here to support both Toe and Darnell. I love him, but like Scott, I want to see him happy.”

  “John, how can you be quiet through this whole situation. When are you going to say something?”

  “Ruth, you know our history together as husband and wife. When I was addicted to drugs, we were both known as swingers. So why are you surprised that Toby likes sleeping with men?”

  “John! I can’t believe that you say that in front of our children and guests.”

  “They know our history because I told them years ago. It is no secret. Ruth look, we want the best for our children, and Scott and Toby appear to be happy. That’s all we’ve ever wanted for them was their happiness. So, let’s be supportive and be happy. Toe has found love with Darnell and a support system with Scott and Rochelle. Let’s not fight. Sometimes life just happens, and you have to roll with the punches. After all, Toe is eighteen years old and heading off to college in a couple of months.”

  The room got quiet for about two minutes. I was tryin
g to count the lemon seeds in my water to keep distracted.

  Mrs. St. James asked the waiter to bring her a stiff glass of Patron. Her entire demeanor changed, and no longer was she astute and polished but became a woman with a dual personality. “John, you’re full of shit. I’m glad I divorced your black ass. You make me a sick, Negro! Toe, I love you and support you. I just want you to be happy and live life with no regrets. If you love Darnell the way that you say that you love him, then I won’t stand in the way.”

  “Thanks, Mom and Dad,” Toe said.

  I didn’t know what to say after all of that. I was stuck on the fact that Toe’s parents were on drugs and swingers. Now that is some real tea. I wanted to jump off the top of the table and repeat what Jaurice said, “BITCH what!” However, as a young and upcoming psychiatrist, I kept my composure.

  “Darnell, don’t you hurt my boy’s heart,” Mrs. St. James said.

  “No, ma’am! I did that once before, and I vowed never to do it again.”

  “John, your crazy ass doesn’t seem surprised. Did you know before tonight? Now ain’t that some shit?”

  “Yes, I already knew when I visited Toe in the hospital during the evening. Darnell was crying and praying to God to let Toe live and how much he loved him. At that time, I knew that they were partners, and I told God that if he let my son live, whether he is straight and gay, I would not judge him, but I would love him and accept him for whatever decision he makes. I just wanted my boy to live and be happy,” Mr. St. James said in a trembling voice.

  I looked over to Toe, and he began crying. Then Rochelle, Scott, and finally, Ms. James started crying. I teared up as well, and Finally, I knew what it felt like to be part of a real family for the first time.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Toe and I lived for the weekends, where we could cuddle up and watch a good movie. After the dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, his family was very accepting of our relationship. However, his mother had a little bit of hesitation in accepting her sons’ sexual orientation, which I can certainly understand. We understood the cultural and relationship boundaries and did not kiss, hold hands, or engage in any inappropriate behavior while in his parents’ presence. Homophobia is real and alive in the black community.

  Toe was my dream: my everything. However, looking back at the Ruth’s Chris dinner, he stated something that blew my mind by saying he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Do I really want children? Do I want to try marriage? After all, could I possibly be bi-sexual and not wholly homosexual? Although Toe and I had not engaged in sexual behavior, he indeed turned me on, but did I want to have sexual relations with him? This dilemma could only be cured by a visit with Dr. Blackmon. The last few visits I canceled because I felt I was dealing intelligently with my PTSD. But now I definitely need to talk to him regarding my decisions, so I called and scheduled an appointment.

  “Good morning, Darnell,” Dr. Blackmon said, as he was sitting in his leather chair, looking out over his glasses at me. “What brings you in today?”

  “Dr. Blackmon, my relationship with Toe is going wonderfully. I do love him, and I know beyond a reasonable doubt that he loves me. Here is the problem. A couple weeks ago, we had a family meeting, and Toe informed his parents that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.”

  “That’s great, right? Like living the American dream? Before we continue, I do want to share this with you. One of the worst mistakes I’ve seen my clients make was striving for a lifestyle that they thought they wanted versus the lifestyle they have now at the present moment. If you are happy or satisfied, then perhaps a change is not necessary. However, if not, then you should strongly consider changing your environments. But it’s up to you to determine your own happiness and make sure you stick to whatever your decision is. Again, one of the greatest mistakes is going through life and not experiencing love simply because you were not open to it in the first place.”

  “I understand exactly what you’re saying. And I am open to love; however, I would like to have children one day.”

  “Have you communicated this to Toe?”

  I bowed my head and looked down at the ground, “No, I have not.”

  “Hmmm! I see. Most people want one shot at true love, you have it and may possibly want to throw it away?”

  “Not exactly, sir. I do want to experience my biological children running around the house crying, spilling stuff, dirty diapers, learning to walk, talk, and especially the first day of school.”

  “Darnell, you’ve experienced a lot of trauma in your lifetime. How do you feel about a long-term commitment to Toe? Do you think he will eventually hurt you?”

  “No, I don’t think that’s the case. To be completely honest, I like the intimacy and passion.”

  “Well, as you know, commitment is one of the strong components of developing a healthy relationship. You just don’t have good examples on which to model. Let’s face it, the relationships you’ve watched over the years have been extremely traumatic and abnormal, to say the least. Now you’re faced with a real long-term relationship. You want to re-enter your reclusive behavior patterns and perhaps develop a little anxiety over the whole entire relationship process. Take a deep breath and learn to live for today, and today only Darnell. We let tomorrow worry about itself. Don’t let your preconceived anxieties mess up a good relationship that is occurring in your life. Be honest with Toe and tell him the truth and how you feel. After all, he deserves that.”

  “You’re right, absolutely right. Maybe I am jumping the gun a little bit.”

  “Darnell, you will be fine. Toe has been extremely therapeutic for you. Have you had any flashbacks, vivid dreams, or experience about your past PTSD?”

  “No, sir, Toe’s keeping me busy,” I said, smiling.

  “It certainly sounds like it. You’re going through growing pains, and on that note, since your PTSD is no longer an issue, I am terminating your treatment. Appointment only as needed.”

  “Stop, wait! You can’t do that!”

  “Yes, I can. Your PTSD is no longer an issue for you, and you’ve learned great coping skills. Did you think that your sessions were going to last forever?”

  “No, I didn’t, but I would like to talk to you further.”

  “I know, and that’s where co-dependency comes in to play. I am a trauma therapist; it sounds like you need someone to talk to you through relationship therapy. I can certainly recommend someone else, but that is not my area of expertise. We can meet on an ad-hoc basis.”

  “OK, I got it. One treatment at a time.”

  “That’s right!”

  “Well, thank God for all that you’ve done for me. I’m sure I will be in contact soon.”

  “I wouldn’t expect otherwise as PTSD can be asymptomatic one day and symptomatic the next. I will be checking up on you from time to time. Darnell, please take good care of yourself and remember that if you need me about your PTSD, I am certainly here to talk to you about it.”

  I said goodbye and left. Wow, I was done with counseling. However, the Toe thing just wouldn’t shake off my mind. I felt like I was keeping a secret from him. How could I love him and not be honest? I needed to be as transparent as possible to let him know exactly how I feel. I’ll schedule a nice dinner with him. We can go to Bamboos’ Restaurant in New Albany, Indiana. At least none of his fans will be around, and we can have some quiet time. I picked up the phone to call Toe.

  “Yo, bro, where are you?”

  “I’m at practice getting ready to leave.”

  “Cool, I’m going to pick you up in ten minutes. I have something vital to discuss with you.”

  “Bo, are you OK?”

  “Yeah, nothing like that, just a few things on my mind.”

  “OK. I’ll see you in ten minutes.”

  I jumped in the car and drove toward the school, thinking about how I would star
t the conversation. However, what if Toe gets mad and doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore? I definitely didn’t want that to happen. If he gave me an ultimatum, then perhaps I will concede and let him win. All I know is that I was not going to lose him. I was very secure in that aspect.

  I drove to Rita Ross High School. Toe was waiting outside, dribbling the ball and talking to his teammates. He was wearing a blue and white jogging suit that said Rita Ross Basketball. His light skin complexion and flawless teeth were so white that they could light up the entire city on a cloudy day. He flagged me down and got in the car. Damn, I wanted to kiss him so badly, but people would be looking. Because of the press, we had no public display of affection, at least during the daylight hours.

  “What’s up, Bo! Where are we going?” Toe asked as he got into the car.

  “Let’s go to Bamboos in Indiana. I need some quality time with you.”

  “Oh yeah? Do you need me to hit that tonight?”

  “Very funny!” I said, laughing, although my mind was bombarded with thoughts of having sex with Toe. I just wasn’t quite ready due to my past trauma. I figured that I wouldn’t plan it, but just let it happen naturally.”

  “How was practice?” I said as I tried diverting the conversation.

  “It was good. Coach is on me to make a college decision. I told him that I was leaning toward Duke University, and he thought that was a good idea. Oh, but baby, guess what?” Toe seemed super excited and started smiling from ear-to-ear. “I talked to Rochelle, and she said that she may apply to Duke and attend with me.”

  “Wow, that’s huge news. I’m sure Rochelle would be accepted. I talked to her last week, and she stated her GPA is high, and she did great on the SAT. Yeah, babe, that’s good.”

  Now my plan could possibly work, especially with Rochelle going to Duke with Toe. They are good friends and were intimate lovers before. I wondered how I felt about Toe having sex with Rochelle again when I wasn’t around.