As I Am

by David B. Jai

  We arrived at Bamboo’s Restaurant, and there was hardly a car in the parking lot. Bamboo’s was an isolated barbecue spot that served all kinds of meat. I always liked the beef rib tips, and Toe loved to chow down on the barbecue chicken. I went to exit the car, but Toe grabbed my arm and said, “Not so fast. Where’s my kiss Negro.”

  “Right here, right now?” I asked.

  “Yes sir, you are looking sexy tonight, plus I need to feel those lips.”

  I leaned over and gave Toe a kiss on his juicy, pink lips. I started to get an erection, and suddenly, Toe pulled away.

  “That’s all you get for right now. You’ll get the rest when you get home.”

  “Bro, I’ll take it now if I really wanted it,” I said, laughing.

  “You ain’t that bad; you better head on in that restaurant before you get poked.”

  I laughed out loud and smiled as we opened the car doors and went into the restaurant.

  We found a table in the corner toward the rear of the restaurant. It was a small, quaint little cubbyhole that was just for us. There were only about five people, all Caucasian, and none of them recognized Toe. We were clear.

  “What’s up, bro?” Toe asked.

  I started to feel a little apprehensive because of what I thought was a risk. However, I reasoned with myself that I’d come too far to turn back now.

  “Bae, a few weeks ago at the family dinner, you mentioned that you want to spend the rest of your life with me.”

  “Yeah, Bo, I meant all of that. I do.”

  “Oh, wow! I know you did, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. I love you so much, but I think as we get older, I would like to try marriage to a female and perhaps have some biological children.”

  Toe’s facial demeanor changed. I knew this wasn’t sitting well with him.

  “What the fuck you mean? Are you trying to replace me or something?”

  “No, babe, never that. I was just thinking about our future together.”

  “Darnell, look, I want kids too, but I don’t have to marry a female to have them. Hell, adoption is always a good option.”

  “I know, but research shows that children in single-parent homes have a tendency to end up in prison or commit suicide than kids who are from a married family. Besides, they can have mental problems. Not everyone, but some children can.”

  “There you go with that psychological bullshit. Look, bro, I love you. I gave up everything to be with you, and I even came out to my family, stopped dating my girl, just to spend the rest of my life with you. You’re on some bullshit right now, bro, and I can’t believe you said that.”

  I placed my head in my hands, wondering what I had done. I should have just kept my big mouth shut and followed the doctor’s orders. One day at a time is what Dr. Blackmon said, but I couldn’t listen to that. Now I need to make this thing better.

  “Toe, you are my everything. You picked me up when I was down, and when I have my episodes, you comfort me, and when I need to be loved, you love me without complaining. When I didn’t have any friends, you were my friend; when I cried, you loaned me your shoulder to cry. I could never ever replace you, and I want you to know that always. We will be together for a lifetime, and I will make that commitment to you now.”

  Toe started to pause because he knew that once I made a promise to him, I would keep it. Just like I made the commitment to him in the hospital that I would never leave him. Toe just stared at me. I could see a tear in his right eye about to fall down.

  “Do you believe me?” I asked.

  Toe was still staring at me. This time the tear was rolling down his cheek. At that point, I realized that I do want to be with Toe for the rest of my life.

  “I made a commitment when you were in the hospital, didn’t I keep it?”

  “Yeah bro,” Toe said, mumbling.

  “As a matter of fact, I never left your side, right?”

  Toe started smiling and said, “Naw, man! You never left my side.”

  “Then, I will never leave you. We just had to have this discussion because it was on my mind.”

  “I know and I appreciate that, Darnell. It’s just that ever since I first saw you, it was like I fell in love with you or something. I can’t explain it. I was jealous when I saw Tanya pull up on you.”

  “I guess that’s what makes us so unique. I love you and can’t imagine life without you. I’m sorry,” I said.

  “I love you too, Bo! Apology accepted.”

  “Now, we have to talk Rochelle into attending Duke if her applications get approved,” I said.

  “Yeah, it would be nice if she came, but it would be nicer if you came as well,” Toe said.

  “You know I got a scholarship to Notre Dame, and they have one of the best psychology programs in the country.”

  “Yeah, I know! Maybe Rochelle won’t mind going to the games with me, homecoming, and other campus events.”

  “That’s why we both have to push her to attend,” I said. “Maybe you all will have sex at Duke?”

  “Bo! There you go with that bullshit again. I’m not having sex with no one else but you.”

  “So, how do I compare to the other females that you’ve dated, Darnell?”

  I took a deep breath and drummed up some courage. “Toe, honestly, you are the first person that I’ve ever dated, and I’ve never voluntarily had sex.”

  “Voluntarily had sex? Everybody has sex voluntarily unless . . .” Toe noticed my head started to suddenly look away. I quickly mustered enough strength to lift up my head.

  “Toe, when I was about seven years old, I was sexually molested by my cousin. I am much better today.”

  “I am sorry that happened to you. How did you get over it?”

  “Well, I’m not totally over it. When I met you, you gave me the courage to live. You showed me that to hide from the world was just allowing myself to still be victimized. And I don’t give those bastards that much control over me anymore.”

  “What did your parents say?”

  “I never told my mom. I don’t think my dad cared if I lived or died.”

  “Wow, Bo! You mentioned your dad earlier, but I didn’t get it. Now I do, which explains why you’re so guarded at times and how you acted in the mall when you thought someone had a gun.”

  “Yeah, I know, and then you kissed me!” I said, smiling.

  “Honestly? I didn’t know what to do because you hit me in the car when I grabbed you. I knew that I couldn’t shake you or touch you out of the trance. So, the best non-threatening act of love is a gentle kiss on the lips to try to snap you out of it.”

  “Looking back, I think that was the best approach. I’m sure the outcome would have been different if you had tried anything else.”

  “What would you have done, beat my ass like you did that guy at school?”

  We both started laughing and drank some of our sodas.

  “No, bro! Plus, you too big and muscular for me to try to fight. I’ll just have to shoot you.”

  Again, we laughed and stared into each other’s eyes. Toe extended his hands for me to grab. Without provocation, I grabbed his hands. Our souls became intertwined.

  “Darnell, I love and accept you for who you are.”

  I began to tear up because that had been my battle, and my struggle was to be accepted as I am.

  “Lean forward, Darnell.”

  I had a confused look on my face, but I still felt Toe’s soul. I leaned forward, and he leaned forward as well.

  “Kiss me!”

  “Kiss you here now and in public?”

  “Did I stutter or something?”

  I closed my eyes, leaned forward, and kissed the man I loved in public for the first time. God had sincerely answered my prayers.

  The kiss lasts for about fifteen seconds. When we fin
ished, we just sat there and looked in each other’s eyes. Suddenly Toe said, “I can’t wait to take your virginity.”

  We decided to take our dinner home as love was in the air. We paid the check, got in the car, and headed back to Louisville.

  We held hands all the way home.

  “Darnell, promise me something?” Toe asked.

  “What, baby?”

  “Within the next three months, you will see your dad and tell him that you forgive him.”

  I slammed on the brakes, causing the tires to screech. “Forgive him for what he’s done to me? Oh, you’re joking now! How can I, how would I? Dad tried to kill me, beat me, pistol-whipped me, chased me, called me names, and your dumb ass is saying forgive him? No, I can’t, and no, I won’t. What’s wrong with you, man?”

  Toe’s demeanor did not change, but in a calm voice, he said, “Look at you, you’re a mess, you’re agitated and abusive by calling me out of my name. Admit it, Darnell, your dad is still controlling your life. If he wasn’t, you wouldn’t be acting like that.”

  “I can’t, not right now! Plus, he’s in prison.”

  “Darnell, I’m not asking for it to be right now, but will you go visit him in prison and forgive him, within the next few months? Heck, I’ll even go with you. You need to do this for yourself and for us. We can’t progress with you having all these unresolved issues with your dad.”

  Toe was making great sense. Perhaps I was allowing my dad to still control my life. However, I was not going to concede.

  “Bo, you know I’m right.” Toe said as he kissed my hand.

  After calming down and continuing to drive, I said, “Yeah, you are, but can I do it in my own time?”

  “No, it’s been eighteen years, and it hasn’t happened. Please, Bo, promise me that you will do it within the next three months? For our relationship?”

  Reluctantly, I conceded as Toe never had steered me in the wrong direction, and Dr. Blackmon stated he was good therapy, “OK, I will visit him, as long as you go with me. However, I’m not sure about forgiveness.”

  “I’ll take that! It’s a start to your journey of healing and a better us.”

  I dropped Toe off at his house and I headed home for bed.

  Chapter Twenty

  The next day, as Toe and I were coming home from school, we saw G-Ma’s Cadillac parked in the driveway looking like new money. It looked like she had just got it washed because it was extraordinarily clean.

  “Is that your G-Ma’s car?”

  “Yeah! She must have stopped by to say hello. Maybe this is an excellent opportunity to formally introduce you all. Toe, why don’t you come in and say hello to G-Ma?”

  As we walked up to the apartment, G-Ma was sitting on the couch, talking to Mom.

  “Well, look at who just walked in. My favorite grandson.”

  “Very funny, G-Ma. How are you doing?” I asked as I walked in her direction to give her a hug.

  “Darnell, I wasn’t talking about you. I was talking about that pretty young man behind you.”

  I started to laugh out loud as Toe walked up to greet her.

  “Hi, G-Ma. I am Toby St. James,” Toe said as he formally introduced himself.

  “I know who you are. You haven’t forgotten what I said, right?”

  “No, ma’am, not at all,” Toe said, smiling.

  “Well, good because I wouldn’t want to cut you,” G-Ma said, laughing.

  “No, ma’am. I will never forget that conversation,” Toe said. “Darnell, I’ve got to get home, shower, and prepare for dinner. I’ll catch up with you later,” Toe said.

  “All right, bro. I’ll call you in a few,” I said eagerly, as I could hardly wait to be in his presence again.

  “Oh, by the way, Mr. St. James, you look mighty fine on TV. If I was younger–”

  “G-Ma!” I interrupted.

  As Toe left the house, I proceeded to go to my bedroom. However, G-Ma had something that she wanted to speak to me about.

  “Darnell, I’m glad you’re here. On Sunday, we have a family day at the church, and I want you to come with me. Besides, Dr. Moore keeps asking when are you coming back to church?”

  “G-Ma, I’m not sure I can swing it. Especially in light of all the studies and finals are coming up.”

  “Now, Darnell, I don’t ask you to do much, but this one time, could you please do this for me?”

  Mom said, “Darnell, I’m going as well.”

  “I think you should go too. At least we will be there as a family.”

  After thinking about it long and hard, I decided that I would go to church with G-Ma.

  G-Ma was thrilled. “Oh, good! I’ll call Mrs. Jarrett and tell her that you’re coming to Family Day service, she will be so glad as well.”

  I started to laugh because I remember the last time I saw Mrs. Jarrett. She informed me that she was a tambourine player.

  “Fine, then it’s settled,” I said.

  “Oh, one final request. Can you spend the night with me on Saturday night? We haven’t done a movie night in such a long time, and you know your G-Ma is getting old.”

  I informed Toe of my decision. He stated that he would spend the night with his dad. I thought about how much I would miss talking to him and tasting his juicy lips. Toe understood and felt the same about me.

  I waited until 8 p.m., and then I headed to G-Ma’s house. As I walked into the house, I could hear that G-Ma had the theater room setup in the den.

  “Hey, Darnell! Thanks for coming. We have two movies tonight, The Bear and Dracula,” G-Ma said.

  “That’s awesome, G-Ma, can’t wait to watch whatever you’ve got picked out.”

  I walked toward the back of the house to the spare bedroom to drop off my clothes. My aunt Thelma and Aunt Susan were back there playing in their hair.

  “Hey, Ms. Nellie, come over here and help me with my hair. They say gay people can do good hair.” Aunt Thelma yelled and laughed.

  As always, I ignored the comments because I’ve learned that whatever you feed grows. I dropped off my clothes in the bedroom and headed back up toward G-Ma.

  “Little girl, come here!” one of my aunts said, as they were trying to get my attention.

  They began calling me names, but I didn’t get upset because I was confident about whom I was and where I was going. At least I did have a man to love me, unlike those heifers.

  G-Ma and I watched one thriller and a scary movie then dozed off to sleep.

  * * *

  When we arrived at church on Sunday morning for service, the entire church was packed. Usually, the church isn’t packed unless a funeral or a famous preacher is coming into town for a revival. Everyone wore their Sunday’s best; I wore a beautiful dark blue suit with a blue and yellow necktie with some Stacy Adams shoes. I was clean from head to toe. Mom wore a beautiful Jones from New York skirt-suit set with a small black hat tucked over to the side. G-Ma had on her pearl silk skirt suit that accented her gold jewelry and her Kentucky Derby fashionable hat. We looked like we won a million dollars.

  The minister called the start of the worship, and Howard, the piano player, started playing “We’ve Come This Far by Faith.” In the back of the church, the Chancellor’s Choir began to sing, as they marched down the aisle strutting to the beat: We’ve come this far by faith. Leaning on the Lord. Trusting in his Holy Word, he’s never failed us yet. Ohh-Ohh-Ohh can’t turn around we’ve come this far by faith.

  It took about five minutes for them to reach the choir stand. However, the entire church was on its feet, swaying from left to right with each beat. There was an unusual excitement in the atmosphere that caused everyone to smile and praise God. However, I didn’t allow the excitement to overshadow my thoughts, especially about the last time I was here. In addition, what does Dr. Moore want to talk to me about?

 
I got my mind on track and prayed, thanking the Lord for my health, strength, and most importantly, Toe. I missed him last night, but nothing will compare to the separation we have ahead, especially going to different colleges.

  When prayer time was over, Dr. Moore walked to the pulpit to prepare his sermon. He acknowledged each family and was thankful for such a large crowd that showed up. He continued to talk, and suddenly he said, “Brother Darnell Williams, it’s good to see you today, please make sure you see me shortly after church. I only need about five minutes of your time.”

  I was totally embarrassed. The room seemed like it got small, and I was boxed in. I just gently nodded. My mom was so impressed that Dr. Moore called my name from the pulpit she just kept hitting me on my leg, making sure that I heard what he was saying. But what did he want to tell me? I don’t have anything to talk to him about, nor do we have anything in common.

  Dr. Moore announced his sermon called, “I Need You to Survive.” It was a story of David and Jonathan in the Bible and how they became best friends. Jonathan loved David so much that he was willing to lay down his life for him. Amid family trouble and crisis, Jonathan stood up and defended David. When his back was against the wall, it was Jonathan who came to David’s rescue. “We all need some Jonathans in our lives when we feel forsaken when no one is there. We need more Jonathans in our lives when we feel like our backs are up against the wall, and there’s no place to turn. We need more Jonathans in our lives who will take the punch even though against all the odds and tell us that everything is going to be alright. Jonathan never left David’s side, but he stood with him in the time of adversity. He stood with him in the time of disappointments. Jonathan loved David so much that he gave him his coat as well his crown. Furthermore, Jonathan gave David his life. Now that’s a good friend. I’m not too ashamed to admit it, I need some Jonathans in my life. David finally summarized his love for Jonathan by saying that Jonathan’s love surpasses that of any woman. For you, Biblical scholars, that’s found in Second Chronicles, Chapter 1:26. I believe that’s why David said that men sharpen men as iron sharpens iron. We need men in our young males’ lives, for it is men who sharpen men. We need good men in our family to teach these young men how to mature from boys to men. Without a vision, the people will perish and without good role models our young men will die.”