Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  “Good, let’s go,” Rob says.

  I stand up and grab my purse and jacket. As I put them on, Tucker says, “Next time you need to get something out of a closet, Violet, ask your husband to do it. I know he doesn’t want any harm coming to you, right, Rob?”

  Rob looks back at me and then Tucker. “Yeah.”

  I can tell Rob is getting madder by the moment. I need to get him the hell out of here. Nodding my head, I say, “Will do, goodnight, Tucker. I’ll hopefully be able to come in tomorrow.”

  Tucker nods. “Yeah, I hope you can.”

  “Let’s go, Violet,” Rob says and I start for him. As we leave, I look back to see Tucker watching me and I want nothing more than to run back to him. Hold him in my arms, press my lips to his, but I can’t. So I turn and go home with my husband.

  Grandma died at 9:32AM the next morning.

  Even though I knew it was going to happen, I still feel as if someone has ripped out my heart and stomped on it. My insides have been ravaged, torn apart until I’m nothing more than an empty husk. I’m numb and I don’t know what to do. What I want to do is ball up and cry, but I can’t. Not now, not with my staff and doctor only feet away from me.

  When my mom called, I couldn’t even understand her. She just kept saying she needed me to come home. She needed me. Now. Then she just dissolved in sobs. It was heart wrenching and all I want is to hold her and make it better. It’s been thirty minutes since she hung up and I am still holding the phone in my hand. My body, still in the same position and I don’t know what to do. I feel like a part of me is missing. It’s gone. It died with my grandma.

  My hands are shaking and I think it’s because of the number I’m dialing or maybe it’s the grief, I’m not sure. All I know is I’m about to break down if Rob says I can’t go.

  When he doesn’t answer, I call again and again until finally he answers.

  “Seriously? I’m sleeping.”

  I hold in my tears as I say, “My grandma passed.”

  “Okay?”

  My lip quivers and I try to hold in the rage that has hit me full force. How can he say that with no care in the world? He knows how much she means to me. Or meant. Damn it, this sucks.

  “I need to buy a ticket to go home. My mom needs me.”

  “Okay, why are you calling me about this?”

  I know that I need to keep my cool. I can’t lose my mind and tell this man that he is the biggest piece of shit in this world. I need to keep calm, but fuck it’s hard.

  Taking in a deep breath, I say, “I need you to buy it; I don’t have a bank card.”

  He laughs and my fingers dig into the cushion of my chair.

  “I don’t have money for that.”

  “I just got paid.”

  “Yeah, and I paid bills, Violet,” he says with a hint of annoyance in his voice. “We’re broke plus you don’t need to go.”

  Fuck being calm. “Are you kidding me?” I shriek. “Where the fuck is the money that my grandpa left me?”

  “Oh, I spent that last year when I bought my car.”

  “What?!”

  He pauses and I swear the heart I thought was dead a second ago is pounding against my chest in overtime. I’m about to scream. How dare he? That was my money and he spent it? Seriously?

  “Okay, listen here. You got one more time to fucking yell at me before I shut you the fuck up. Now stop calling me.”

  The line goes dead and I am stunned. Utterly and completely stunned. He spent my money. I had over twenty thousand dollars and he spent it? Oh my God, I am so fucked. I can’t call my mom and tell her I have no money to come, she’ll freak and she doesn’t need that. Oh my God, what am I going to do? I only have thirty eight bucks, that’s not enough for anything.

  Covering my face, I let out the first sob since finding out. My body shakes as the tears gush down my face. I can’t believe this. I move my fingers along my cheeks to catch my tears while my mind reels. I just don’t understand. How could I allow this to happen? Why didn’t I listen to my mom and grandma back then? I would not be going through this. I would already be home, I would have been there to help, but now it’s too late.

  I always thought I had the chance to get my money back. In my head, I thought that when I left and divorced Rob, I would have half the money to build my new life, but how can I if there is no money? Now, I won’t have anything. I’ll be starting from the bottom and that’s scares me. I’ve always had a cushion. That’s what my grandpa left it for, but I allowed this man to take it. I’ve allowed him to take me and completely ruin me.

  How did I let this happen?

  Without even realize what I’m doing, I move out from behind my desk and then across my office to my door. Throwing it open, I look across the hall and meet Tucker’s eyes. He is sitting behind his desk, his glasses sitting on the end of his nose as he looks up at me. I don’t know what I’m doing but soon I am crossing the hall and shutting his door.

  He removes his glasses before asking, “Violet? What’s wrong?”

  I can’t hold it in and soon I am crying so hard, I can’t breathe. I hold my stomach as the tears roll down my cheeks while my other hand covers my face. I hate that I came in here to do this. What was I wanting by coming across the hall to my boss’s office and crying my eyes out? I usually try to hide my feelings but not this time. This time, I’m losing it and when his arms come around me, bringing me in close to his chest, I know why I came here.

  I need the comfort.

  I need him.

  Sobbing, I wrap my arms around his middle, crying into his strong chest. His arms hold me so tenderly, so tightly and it’s been so long since I’ve been held like this. I take in a deep breath and instantly feel safe. I want to stay in his arms forever. He smells so good. Woodsy, but with a hint of fruits and herbs. It’s intoxicating and for only a second I forget that my life is complete shit. For that second I’m wrapped in the arms of a man that smells fantastic and can protect me. But just as fast as that second came, it’s gone and I’m back to the reality of my fucked up life.

  He holds me for a long time, not saying anything as I cry until finally, he asks, “can you tell me what’s wrong, Violet?”

  I nod and glance up at him. He looks down at me with the same caring eyes I have grown so fond of. I should feel like shit that this guy is always worried about me, but it feels good to be cared about. Looking up into his eyes, my walls crack, my heart speeds up and all I want is for everything to go away. I want to completely forget about the world around me and just stay here.

  In Tucker’s arms.

  “My grandma died.”

  His face fills with compassion as he says, “Violet, I’m so sorry.”

  “Thank you.”

  He reaches up before slowly moving my hair out of my face. “When are you flying out? Don’t worry. We’ll manage around here until you get back.”

  My forehead falls into his chest as my body starts to shake with a sob. I feel his arms tighten around me before he rests his head on top of mine. He is holding me like I am his, and God, how I wish that was true. I know I need to pull away and put some distance between us, but I don’t want too. I need what he is giving me.

  “I’m not flying out,” I whispered against his chest, blinking the tears out of my eyes.

  “What?”

  I pull away some and look up at him. “I don’t have any money to fly out there and I can’t ask my mom because she’ll flip. All her money is tied up in the arrangements and it’s such a mess, Tucker. I can’t believe it at all. I just got paid yesterday and Rob says it’s all gone. My savings, my everything.”

  “He says?”

  I pull away until I am completely out of his arms. He’s watching me but I won’t look him in the eyes. I can’t. And I can’t believe I’m about to admit this. I feel so ashamed but I need to tell him. I need to tell someone and right now, Tucker is the person I’m going to tell.

  “He controls everything. I have nothing.”
r />   His head falls to the side as he watches me. “Seriously?”

  I nod as I look away. He probably thinks I’m worthless, stupid and everything else Rob calls me. Maybe I am. Maybe I deserve what is happening to me because I have been so stupid about it all, believing, hoping that maybe one day Rob would change. Really though, our relationship was doomed from the beginning and I was too blind and stupid to believe it.

  “That needs to change, Violet. You need to set up your own account or ask for a card of your own. You can’t be blind through all this.”

  I shake my head quickly, still not looking at him. “He’ll flip if I ask for a card or if I set up my own account. He watches for my money.”

  He pauses for a moment. “Okay, then just transfer some into your account and then his. You need money. ”

  “I understand that, but I don’t want the hassle that comes with it.”

  He pauses for a moment. “You can’t live like that.”

  “Easy for you to say,” I say and I can’t believe I did. Hell, why don’t I tell him everything while I’m at it.

  Shaking my head, I look away as I fight back the tears. When I see his feet move, I look up to see him walk behind his desk. Sitting in his chair, he slides his glasses back on before clicking something and then typing.

  “I’m booking you a flight home,” he announces and I take a step towards him.

  “No, Tucker. That’s not why I came in here and told you all that.”

  He looks up at with his brows drawn together. “I didn’t say it was.”

  “I know but it just feels like that. I don’t need a handout.”

  He shakes his head before he says, “It’s not a handout. You’re my friend, and I want to help.”

  “But Rob will flip if I go and―”

  Tucker puts his hand up to stop me. “If Rob,” the name drips from his lips like it’s hemlock, “has a problem with it, send him to me. You just lost someone who was basically your second mom. You need to be there for her and for your mom. Rob will be okay.”

  Do you hear the way he says Rob’s name? Doesn’t it make you cringe? He says it like it is the most disgusting name in the world, which really it is. At least to me.

  I watch as he types with a little more force than needed before looking over at me. “They have a flight leaving in three hours. That gives you time to go home and pack before getting to the airport. Here is some money for anything else you might need,” he says before he gets up, taking his wallet out. He then comes towards me with some bills in his hand but I shake my head, moving away from his outreached hand.

  “I can’t take it.”

  He gives me a look before taking my hand and putting the money in it. “Yes, you can.”

  I glance at the money before looking back up into his strong face. His eyes are dark and beautiful, glued to mine as he waits for me to say something. He looks at me like I’m something desirable, his gaze penetrating through my flesh and warming me from the inside out. Even though this is a shitty time in my life, I still feel special. Like I matter but I hate that he is giving me money. I don’t like handouts.

  “But I don’t know when I can pay you back.”

  “Don’t. It’s my gift to you.”

  “Tucker,” I whispered.

  “Please,” he says softly, laying his hand on mine. “I want to help you, but promise me you’ll be a little smarter with your money. You control that. You decide what account it goes in. Fix that. Don’t let this happen anymore.”

  I nod. He is right. I can figure out something. Tell Rob my pay got cut for missing so many days or something. Maybe he won’t even notice. I can fix this and then after I save enough money, I can leave. Start a new life once I figure out how to get away without anyone getting hurt. There has to be a way, I just have to figure it out but the thing is, every time I look at Tucker, I feel like he’s the one that can help me. Take this moment for example, he didn’t have to help me, but he did. He took a shitty situation and not only helped me but guided me through it. It’s as if the answer to all my problems is standing in front of me but the fear inside me is trying to push him away. Trying to hide and not allow him in.

  My stupid fear is keeping me from telling him everything. From accepting the help I need to get me out of the situation I’m in and I’m completely disgusted by it. How much more am I going to have to take before I get pass my fear and allow this man in? Or anyone for that matter?

  With a nod, I say, “I promise.”

  He smiles before cupping my shoulder. “See, that’s payment enough.”

  I wrap my arms around his middle and hug him tightly. He hugs me back, squeezing me just as tight, placing his head on mine. It’s inappropriate the way he is holding me, but I don’t give a damn. I love the way it feels to be in his arms and I never want it to end. I know it’s about to, though. I have a plane to catch and this man is not my husband, so I slowly pull away and smile up at him. “Thank you.”

  He smiles back and looks deep into my eyes. “Anytime, Violet. I’m here for you, always remember that.”

  I hope I do.

  The funeral was one of the saddest and hardest things I have ever been through.

  After leaving work, I went straight to the airport, figuring I could just buy the clothes I need. I didn’t want to chance going home and Rob getting a hold of me. I know that’s ridiculous but I have no doubt in my mind that he would of kept me from getting on the flight. Going straight to the airport was the easiest way. Or at least I thought it was until I got here. I forgot how pricey clothes were and I’m down to my last twenty bucks but it’s okay. I wouldn’t change any of it. I need to be here for my mom even if it has put me in a predicament with Rob. When I talked to him two nights ago, he called me a stupid bitch and hung up on me. I haven’t talked to him since and even though I’m freaking out about going home, it’s been nice not to deal with him at all.

  Being back home has been nice, too. I grew up in this house and I’d love to stay here forever. It’s small, only three bedrooms with one bath, but it homed my family just fine. There isn’t a single bad memory in this house. My grandma and mom loved me unconditionally, but unfortunately I still yearned for a father. I hate admitting that. I feel bad because they tried so hard, but I always wondered what it would have been like to have a daddy. Someone to cry to when the boys were mean to me. Someone to throw a ball around with. A man to show me how to be loved and treated by a man. It would have been nice, but mom and grandma did their best with me. Or at least they did until Rob got a hold of me.

  Standing in the kitchen, I look out into the living room where my mom sits. I swear she is holding on by a thread and it’s killing me. She won’t talk to anyone but me and she doesn’t even do that much. She mainly sits in my grandma’s chair and watches the snow fall, like she is right now. She’s thinned down considerably and her skin is waxen and hollow, like someone took out her bones.

  Everyone says we look a lot alike and we do. Same blonde hair, the same thin nose, and wide blue eyes. She used to be my best friend, but the last three years have been hard on our relationship. I didn’t want to listen to her when she said Rob was a bad guy and when things went really bad, I put this huge wall between us, not allowing her to look in to see what I was going through. I wish I would have listened back then. I wish I would have stayed here. I wish I never would have married him. Maybe then I would know what to do right now. What to say to comfort my mother. But then again, what do you say to a person that has lost her best friend? That lost a piece of herself? That kind of pain sucks. It’s the kind that hits you like a tornado, only to leave you breathless and aching, longing for the crumbled pieces to knit themselves back together, but knowing that no matter how hard you try, you’ll never be the same. I know because I’m feeling it, too.

  When my phone goes off, I pick it up to see that it’s a text message from Tucker. I smile as I read his text.

  Tucker: Just checking on you and your mom. Did you get the flow
ers from the office and me?

  Violet: Yes, thank you so much, Tucker. Things are rough right now. My mom is hurting; so am I.

  Tucker: I understand that. I’m sorry again for your loss. Let me know if y’all need anything.

  Violet: I will. Thank you. :)

  Tucker: Goodnight, Violet. :)

  Violet: Goodnight.

  I lay down my phone and lean against the counter as I wait for the water to boil for tea. Everyday Tucker has texted to check on me, and I couldn’t be more thankful. He has been the light through this dark time and I really don’t know how to thank him.

  When the pot starts to scream, I make two cups for me and mom. Carrying the cups of tea into the living, I sit down beside her and hand her a cup before sipping my own. She leans against me, and I wrap an arm around her, holding her close.

  “I couldn’t have done today without you.”

  I nod, a lump in my throat before I kiss her forehead. She sits back up, sipping her tea as she looks out the window.

  “Has he called?”

  “Who?” “Rob.”

  “Not since Friday.”

  She nods. “Why didn’t he come?”

  “I didn’t ask him to. I just left.”

  She nods again before sipping her tea. Nothing is said for a long time. I’m watching the snow fall too, and I’m surprised how soothing it is. The snow here is breathtaking. Big, puffy and white. The kind of snow that you see in movies. I love it here. I love this place and I miss it so much.

  “Stay here, Violet.”

  I look over at my mom, surprised by her statement. She is looking at me with hopeful eyes and I hate what I’m about to say, but I have no choice.

  “Mom, I can’t. You know that.”

  “We could move,” she says taking my hands in hers. “We could find somewhere where he would never find you.”

  “I can’t leave him. He loves Tennessee and it’s okay. I don’t mind it. I have a great job. I don’t want to leave that.”

  She looks up at me and holds my gaze for a long time before saying, “I know what he does to you Violet. I know why he took you away from here. Please, baby. This is your chance to get away, to start a new life.”