Let It Be Me

by Toni Aleo

  I’m thankful I was never in the position but there is no reason why she can’t leave. For the first time since I came to this group, I’m introducing myself without even thinking twice about the words that are leaving my lips. I have never been so proud of myself in my life. I say the words about how I left, how I got away and stayed away, so proudly. And I should say it that way. I should be proud of myself. I mean look at me. I’m beautiful again. My eyes are actually sparkling. Can you believe it? Guess what? I love me. I do. I love the person I have grown into and even with all the drama Rob continues to put me through, I’m happy.

  I have done it.

  Judy, the group leader, sit in front of me, nodding her head as she smiles. “Any word on your divorce?”

  Blah. I hate talking about this, but I know I have too. It helps.

  “He still won’t sign and now he is threatening anyone that comes to his door. My lawyer wants to send a cop out there but the law enforcement won’t get involved unless he does something to the people delivering the papers.”

  Judy nods. “But still no contact with you?”

  I smile as I shake my head. “No, and I couldn’t be happier. He has called my mom multiple times and I feel bad but she tells me she can handle it.”

  I know you are confused but after realizing that I am always depending on someone, I decided that I was going to move to my grandpa’s house by myself. My mom and Tucker threw a fit but they understood and supported me. So now, I’m making a house my home and I love it. Before though, I was scared out of my mind every second of the day, worried Rob would find me but he hasn’t. He came to my mom’s house a week after I left and my mom acted as if she didn’t know where I was. He was livid but thankfully, my mom wasn’t alone so he left and hasn’t come back. It terrified me, though. I knew he would find me, somehow he would, but to my surprise Rob has never thought to look here. Now, I walk with no cares in the world. I wear what I want. I do what I want and I am happy.

  I have my life back.

  Well, part of it at least.

  The other part is in Tennessee, over one thousand, two hundred and eighty two miles away. I miss him. More than anything in the world but not once have I regretted watching him walk away. It had to happen and it has paid off. I’m sitting so tall, I am proud of who I am and it has everything to do with him. He helped me get away. He loaned me the strength I needed. He loved me when I didn’t think I deserved it.

  He saved me.

  “Things are still good at work?” Judy asks me, and I nod.

  “Yes. I love it there. I miss my old office but Dr. Fresh is a nice guy.”

  Judy continues to smile because she set me up with this guy and then Tucker talked to him. I got an interview and the next thing I know, I’m hired. It worked out because I needed money because the lawyer Tucker hired is not cheap. Thankfully though, I’m making it. I’m going to be fine.

  “This is true but I understand why you would miss your old office. The McClouds are good people.”

  It’s a small world you know? Judy is Tucker’s mom’s friend from college and they stay in contact regularly. Tucker is the one that found this group for me. It’s forty minutes away but it’s worth every minute it takes me for me to get here. I just feel so complete when I leave these meetings and I know they have helped me to love myself again. Sometimes, when its dark and I’m sitting on my porch, enjoying the view from my grandpa’s house, I think that it was all fate.

  Brace yourself, but I’ve forgiven Rob.

  I’m not saying I want to see him tomorrow, but I’m not scared of him anymore. He has no hold on my life. I have me back and nothing can ever hold me back. I know you probably think I’m nuts and I understand that but I had to forgive him to get me back. Thinking of him, giving in to my fear of him, gave him power and I couldn’t do it anymore. I have the power now. Now all I need is for him to sign these fucking papers so I can be completely rid of him.

  “They are,” I agree with a smile.

  “I think it’s easy to tell that we are all very proud of you, Violet,” she says before turning to the new girl. “Jami, see it’s possible. You can leave and not worry at all.”

  I watch as Jami slowly shakes her head and the tears roll down her face as she starts to sob in front of us. I feel horrible and as she goes into the reasons of why she can’t leave: he’ll find her, she’s scared, he owns her, you know, the same shit I went through. I stand up and walk to her, surprising everyone. Bending down in front of her, I take her hands in mine as I look up into her beautiful blue eyes and I smile. Her eyes are sad, her soul is broken and I feel it’s my duty to do what was done for me. As much as I thank Tucker for what he has done because obviously he’s done more than any other man would do, I have to remember that it wasn’t just him that helped me leave. It was Marci, my old group leader too.

  It’s funny how different people help you in life. Tucker gave me the strength and the love I needed, while Marci gave me the knowledge and the kick I needed. Tucker tried so many times to tell me to leave, hell my mother did too, but it took six sentences to wake me the hell up. So looking up into this beautiful girl’s eyes, I say, “We all want the same thing here, Jami. We want you to get away and be happy, like you want but I’m telling you, you’re never going to leave if you keep waiting until you’re ready. Because, honestly, you’ll never be ready. You have to just go. You have to do this. You’re ready in our eyes. If you weren’t you wouldn’t be here. You can do this, Jami. You can leave. Just do it. Don’t let him hold you back, go.”

  As the same words that I have written in various spots of my house leave my lips, my skin breaks out in goose bumps because I know it’s scary and I know it hurts but she has to leave. If she doesn’t listen to me than all I can do is support her and hope she makes the right choices. But there’s a fight in her eyes, something fierce that I wished I had found in myself a long time ago. I believe in her.

  She’s got this.

  “I think she is going to leave.”

  I can hear the excitement in my mom’s voice as she says, “That’s great, baby. I’m so proud of you.”

  I smile as I reach for the groceries out of the back of my car. I sold my SUV to a car dealership that guaranteed me they didn’t need the title. Sketchy but I needed to get rid of it. I didn’t want to be seen in it and plus, because of it, I got a great deal on my little Honda. “Thanks mom,” I say as I walk toward the house.

  “No baby, seriously. You’ve completely blown me away, you are back to the amazing woman I raised. I am so proud of you.”

  My face warms as I lay my bags on my counter. “Thank you mom, really. I couldn’t have done any of it without you.”

  “Yes, you could have. You’ve done it all.”

  “Tucker helped.”

  “Yes, he did and I am completely in debt to him but it took your strong will and that helped you too.”

  I know I had said that I didn’t want anyone to know about me and Tucker’s relationship through this whole thing but one day I let his name slip and she questioned me until I told her. He wasn’t mad, I really didn’t expect him to be and said he can’t wait to meet my mom. He is really amazing and I can’t wait until we can be together. I’m not sure when that will be, but I hope soon. I miss him. Desperately.

  “Yeah,” I agree as I walk from the house to the car. I always try to hold back my feelings for Tucker when I am talking to my mom. She wants me to be so happy, I know this and if she knows that Tucker can make me happy, she’ll start harassing me about him. She already wants me to go out and meet people but I’ve been able to dodge that because my divorce isn’t final.

  It takes three trips out to my car for my groceries and in that time, my mother has told me her whole itinerary for her Bible Retreat with her friends. I am glad she is going out of town for a couple days. She needs time to herself, she has been so worried about me that I think she forgets sometimes that she has a life too. She has started to date one of the deacons at her ch
urch and I couldn’t be happier. I want my mom to be happy and I hope this little trip out will help her relationship.

  “Sounds great, mom,” I say as I put things away.

  “I’m a little nervous though, I don’t want to leave you.”

  I knew she would say that. “Mom, you aren’t leaving me. You’re going out of town. It’s no big deal. You act like we live together. We’re fifteen minutes apart.”

  “I don’t care. I worry.”

  “I know, but I am fine.”

  She pauses and I can tell she is holding something back. “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Yes, it is something, what is going on?”

  “Rob called yesterday, asking the same questions like always. I told him I had no clue. That you won’t tell me but something seems off. He sounded a little crazed. He was screaming more than usual and calling me the most awful stuff, so I don’t know. Maybe you could come with me?”

  I shake my head. So he had a temper tantrum? I don’t care. He won’t find me. He can’t find me. I am too close to being done with him. “Everything will be fine, mom. Don’t worry. I’ll call Tucker and ask him to tell my lawyer that he called again. It’s almost over. I’m almost completely done with him.”

  “Good, well call me if you need anything. I’ll only be an hour away.”

  I nod. “Thanks mom. Don’t worry okay?”

  “I’ll try not to.”

  “Good. Bye, love you.”

  “Love you more, baby, bye.”

  Hanging up the phone, I leaned against the counter and looked at the time. It is too early for me to call Tucker because he is at work. Laying my phone down, I moved around the house, doing things that need to be done while trying to calm myself. Being on the phone with my mom, I hid the fact that I was scared out of my mind, but now that I’m alone, I’m freaking out. My hands are shaking and I don’t know why they are. He can’t find me. He won’t. I’m safe. I’m not scared. I’m going to be fine.

  Nodding to myself, I know I’m right. There is nothing to worry about.

  Nothing.

  Leaning back in my rocking chair, I let out a breath before bringing my sweet tea up to my lips. It’s such a gorgeous night, not too cold so I’m able to sit outside. I throw my legs up on the banister and lean back, closing my eyes. I love it here, I do, but I miss Tennessee. I miss the beautiful trees, the weather, the kindness in the town. I miss how close everything was there; here it takes forever for me to do anything. I miss my job. My coworkers and even the work load, everything. I miss it. I mean don’t get me wrong – I love working with Dr. Fresh, but he isn’t Tucker.

  Boy, do I miss Tucker.

  When my phone starts to ring, I laugh when I see who it is. “I was just thinking of you.”

  “Well, that’s nice to hear. What were you thinking?” he says in his low sexy way.

  A shy smile rests on my lips as I say, “About how much I miss you.”

  I can hear the smile in his voice. “I miss you too, Violet. A lot.”

  Before I can say that I missed him more, he asks, “how did today go?”

  “It went well. I went to work, then my self-defense class and then to group and guess what? I think I actually helped someone,” I say with a big grin.

  “That’s amazing, Violet. What happened?”

  I explain Jami’s whole situation and tell him what I said and how I think that she will leave him. I’m still on a high from it. I feel so good, like I passed on the torch like Marci had done for me.

  “That’s awesome, I’m so proud of you.”

  I smile, biting into my lip. It’s awesome to hear my mom say she is proud of me but when Tucker does it, I tend to get a little giddier about it. “Thanks, it was an awesome moment and actually has me thinking.”

  “About?” he asks and I can’t stop smiling.

  “I think I want to go to school for social work. I want to help abused women. I want to make a difference; I want to be what Marci was to me. I want to be the strength for a woman like how you’ve been. Ack! I’m not sure if this is doable but I sure hope it is. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love working as an office manager and I know my goal was to be a CEO but maybe, this is something I should do. Maybe this is my calling.”

  When he goes silent, my heart drops and then I sit up, letting my legs hit the ground. Does he think it’s stupid? Is it stupid? No, it can’t be. I didn’t go through all this shit for nothing. I went through it to grow and to also one day help a woman that is in the exact position I was in. I completely believe that but I want Tucker to agree. I need him to agree because I want him to be there with me, every step of the way.

  “Tucker?”

  “I am completely stunned. Sweetheart, I think you would be the best counselor and I think it’s your calling. You are sweet, caring and kind hearted. You are a natural helper and I think you would save a lot of women. It would be perfect for you.”

  “Ekk!” I giggle and his laughter rings over the line too. “I’m nervous but I think it’s something I really want to do.”

  “That’s great, I think you’ll do wonderfully.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Anytime.”

  I smile as I fold my legs beneath me. I’m on a natural high and I feel amazing. I think that this is the right thing for me. I want to help people and what a better way than doing what someone had done for me? It will be perfect, especially with Tucker right there with me, every step of the way. Which reminds me! “Question?”

  “Shoot.”

  “Why haven’t you cashed my check?”

  He laughs and I roll my eyes. This man is notorious for not cashing my checks for the lawyer. I don’t understand, it’s simple! “Tucker, just cash the damn thing.”

  “It’s so pointless,” he complains and I can hear him moving through his condo. “I don’t like taking your money.”

  “But it’s my debt. Please cash it tomorrow and stop making me call and beg you to cash checks.”

  “Maybe I like it when you beg?”

  A breathy laugh leaves my lips before I say, “Then make me beg for something better, not about a check.”

  He groans and I laugh as I reach for my tea. “No fair.”

  “Cash my check and I wouldn’t have to play dirty.”

  “Fine, I’ll cash it tomorrow.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Sure.”

  I can tell he isn’t happy about it but he never is and I’m okay with that. Since the check has been brought up, this is the perfect time to ask about my divorce. “So I left a message for the lawyer but haven’t heard back. Have you? Do you know what is going on with the divorce? My mom says that Rob called her and it worried her. He’s being more than his usually asshole self apparently.”

  Tucker lets out a breath. “Yeah, he is. Dean says he’s having problems with the judge just allowing the divorce. He wants one more attempt to get it signed. If that doesn’t work, then they’ll pursue a default case. Don’t worry. It’s almost over.”

  “Good, I’m tired of it all.’

  “I know, sweetheart.”

  “I’m worried a divorce won’t keep him away, though.”

  “Maybe not, but I will.”

  I roll my eyes. “Oh gosh, the caveman Tucker is coming out.”

  His low laughter tickles the pit of my stomach, sending heat straight between my legs. God, I miss him. Suddenly something makes a noise behind me, and I whip around to find that nothing is there. My heart is jackhammering against my chest but it must have been nothing. Maybe an animal or something. Shaking my head, I lean back and ask, “So anyways, how was your day?”

  He scoffs. “It sucked.”

  “Blah, why?”

  “Because I have a shitty office manager. I’m about to fire her and beg my mom to come back.”

  I hate that for him. I want him to be happy but me leaving has taken a toll on both of us. “That sucks.”

  “Yeah, I miss the office manager befor
e her.”

  “Oh?” I say a grin pulling at my lips. “Was she good?”

  “The best and gorgeous too, but she had to leave for a while, taking my heart with her but that’s okay because one day she’ll come back to me, all ready for my love and then we’ll be happy. She’ll go to school to be this amazing counselor and I’ll support and love her until she’s done. Then she’ll help people emotionally and I’ll help them physically until it’s time to come home and then I will love the hell out of her. For the rest of my life.”

  My cheeks redden and my heart speeds up. I want those things so bad. I want to feel his body in my hands, his lips against mine, his heart beating against my chest. I want to love him and be there for him. I don’t need him anymore, but I sure as hell want him more than my next breath. I just don’t understand why Rob can’t just sign the fucking papers. Let me go. Leave me alone. Live his life and I’ll live mine. Let me be happy.

  Closing my eyes, I push away all thought of Rob and think of only Tucker. With a grin on my face, I play along by saying, “She sounds amazing.”

  “She is; she has my heart.”

  I bite into my lip and I can’t take this anymore. “I want to come see you.”

  It’s the first time I’ve said that and I can hear the shock in his voice when he asks, “what?”

  “I want to come see you. I miss you so much it hurts and I’m tired of being apart.”

  “But, what? Wow, you’ve kind of stunned me there. I miss you more, baby, but is it a good idea? Don’t you think we should wait? Maybe until the divorce? I just want you to be comfortable and completely mine.”

  “That’s the thing, Tucker, I am completely yours.”

  “I’ve waited so long to hear you say that.”

  I hate that we’re doing this on the phone, but I have to tell him. I can’t hold it in anymore.