Trusting Him to Lead

by T. K. Chapin

  “Listen, this is important. How long does it last?”

  “What?” Steve shook his head.

  “The good times. When you have an episode where your wife seems okay. How long does it last?”

  Grabbing the phone, Steve shook his head. “I can’t believe you hung up on my brother.”

  West grabbed his shoulders and yanked him so Steve was facing him. “I’m really happy and I’m scared. I’m sorry about your brother.”

  Steve let out a long sigh and appeared to set aside his annoyance. “Okay, okay. Listen, the timespan can vary. Let’s meet for coffee tomorrow before work and we’ll chat.”

  “Okay. Where?”

  “That shop up the street—Lazy Luke’s Coffee. Seven o’clock.” Turning back to his phone, Steve picked up the phone. “Can I call my brother back now?”

  “Yes. Thank you!”

  The next morning, West explained to Rachel that he was meeting with Steve and she was understanding of his early departure. Arriving at the coffee shop a few minutes early, he got his coffee and anxiously awaited Steve’s arrival. A few minutes past seven, Steve showed.

  Right as Steve sat down with his coffee, West jumped into the conversation and got right to the point.

  “How long will it last?”

  Steve laughed lightly as he took a sip of his coffee. Setting the cup down, he stared at West for a moment. “You’re really worried about it ending, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. I want to keep it. I’ve been miserable for so long!”

  “Listen.” Scooting in closer to the table, Steve rested his arms on the table and lowered his voice. “It won’t last forever. It could be a day, a week, or a month. I’ve even seen it last two months. The point is, you have to get your fill of joy on something other than her.”

  “What do you mean?” West shook his head. “I can just keep it going forever.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “Think back in your head, West. Back before anything was ever wrong. Was it perfect?”

  Shrugging, West started to nod. “Pretty close.”

  “C’mon. Don’t fantasize the past. It’s never been perfect. Our joy can’t only come from our spouse, nor should it. Our joy comes from the Lord as believers in Christ.”

  Leaning back in his chair, West lifted his chin. “Okay, Steve. You’re going there.”

  “Yes, I am.” He leaned in more. “Jesus Christ is the only way I didn’t get divorced. He’s the reason I have joy in my life. He’s the reason I’m still married. You have to acknowledge that or you’ll never get through this, West.”

  “Super honesty time.”

  Steve shifted his eyebrows up. “Go for it.”

  “I’m mad at God, Steve. He took my dad away when I was young and made my mother hate me.”

  “He didn’t do that. Sin did that. A fallen world did that. God?” Steve shook his head. “He doesn’t want to hurt you.”

  “Then why does He let terrible things happen?”

  “Because we live in a fallen world.” Steve smiled as he shook his head and appeared to think of something. “We make things ugly by our sin. Then he takes that ugliness and turns it into something beautiful. He’s always working all things together for good.”

  “Oh, yeah? How has He used pornography for good in your own life, Steve?”

  He opened his arms. “I’m here helping you right now.”

  West’s eyes were opened at that very moment. “Wait.”

  “Don’t you see it yet, West?” He looked around the coffee shop, then brought his gaze back to West. “God is always working. I mean, look at your wife. This joy. You think that just happened by chance?”

  “No.” Thinking about her ladies’ group she started going to and then her serving at the church, he looked at Steve. “Not at all. It’s all God . . .”

  “Exactly.” Steve nodded for a moment before continuing. “The Word became flesh and dwelt among us. Look at Jesus. Look at the way He lived on this earth, West. Live like that and you can’t go wrong.”

  “But how?”

  “Every day, we are filling our minds and hearts with something. Whether or not that is God is up to us. If we don’t read His Word, if we don’t talk to Him, if we don’t live a life with Him at the center, something else will be our focus. He has to be our everything or He’s nothing at all.”

  “Wow.” Smoothing a hand over his face, West couldn’t deny Steve’s truth and insight into matters of God. Just then, he recalled his conversation with Jake and realized this was what he was meant to learn. “You’re right. I have to change.”

  On his drive to work, he turned on the Christian radio station. The song Lead Me by Sanctus Real came on the radio as he pulled into the parking lot at work.

  West hadn’t heard it before.

  Pulling into a parking stall, he kept the car on and listened to the song.

  As the melody and lyrics flowed out from the speakers of his car, his heart broke into a million pieces. Tears streamed down his cheeks as the words being sung strummed the heartstrings of his soul.

  After the song finished and many tears had been shed, West bowed his head and prayed. “Help me lead my family, Lord. Help me be the man You want me to be! The man You created me to be! Show me Your way, God.”

  After West had gone to coffee that morning and the children were all playing outside, Rachel was cleaning the kitchen when her phone buzzed with an email notification. Picking it up, she saw it was from Christian Eyes, and it was the report of internet activity for the day before. She hadn’t checked it in four days. Something inside her wanted her to open it, so she sat down at the kitchen table and did so.

  Opening the email, and then the PDF, she scrolled each line.

  There was nothing.

  Going to previous days she had missed, she checked those PDFs as well.

  Again, nothing.

  Letting out a sigh, she set the phone down and pressed a hand to her forehead. Depression inched into her heart and mind. Why can’t I trust him, Lord?

  Returning to her cleaning, she wiped down counters and then swept the floor. As she placed the broom and dustpan in the closet, she felt a nudge in her spirit. Trust me.

  Going to her bedroom, she picked up her Bible from the nightstand and sat down on the bed. She had already spent time in the Word that morning, but she felt inclined that more was needed. Reading in 1 John, she read chapters one through three, stopping shortly into three.

  See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!

  And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.

  1 John 3:1

  Lifting her eyes, she smiled and peered upward. “I am a child of God! I refuse to be held down by sin. I refuse to live a life that is chained to circumstances, Lord! Strengthen me! Fill me with Your power! You have overcome this world. You have overcome sin and have already won this war! Let my heart rest in Your arms.”

  Leaving her bedroom, she went downstairs and went out to the front yard. Her children were riding their bikes up and down the sidewalk. As she gazed upon their smiling faces, her heart warmed. Lilly lifted a hand upon seeing her and waved, then quickly brought her hand back down to the handlebar. Rachel’s heart filled with thankfulness.

  At dinner time, West showed up and joined the family at the table. Sitting down to sirloin and mashed potatoes, his eyes were as wide as saucers.

  “This doesn’t look like the macaroni and cheese that was on the calendar for tonight.”

  “I wanted to surprise you with a tasty treat. I know how much you love steak.”

  Smiling, he nodded. “Thank you.”

  After dinner was over, West helped clear the table and take the serving dishes into the kitchen.

  At the sink, he stopped her.

  “Hey. I want to say I really appreciate how joyful you’ve been. It’s really cool.”

  “Cool?” She looked away and went to grab the pot
of mashed potatoes still on the table. He took the pot from her, looking her in the eyes.

  “I meant that in a good way. It’s been nice.”

  Walking together over to the sink, he set it down. Guilt weighed on her at her snappy comment. “Sorry. I had a rough morning.”

  “It’s okay. You want to talk about it?” West had an open and interested look in his face. “I’m here to listen.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

  “Absolutely.” Just then, Lilly walked into the kitchen. “Maybe upstairs in our bedroom? Not meaning anything by the location.”

  Rachel laughed. “I know.”

  They went up to the bedroom and shut the door. She turned to him and explained the emails. The joy that had been evident in West’s face had all but evaporated.

  Crossing her arms, she plopped onto the edge of the bed. “Great. Now you’re upset.”

  “No, honey.” Coming over to the bed, he sat down beside her and placed an arm around her. “I mean, yes, it’s upsetting, but it’s part of the process. I get it. Listen, that meeting I had with Steve this morning over coffee? It was about a fear of losing this newer version of you. I’m sorry. That sounds weird. I shouldn’t be fearful.”

  “It’s okay to be scared, West. But you’ll be happy to know this change is not me. It’s God. He’s not going anywhere.”

  “Yeah?” West relaxed his tense shoulders and turned to face her more. “I realized through my talk with Steve that it’s all God. He gets all the credit. He helped me realize I need more God in my own life.”

  “Kind of like what Pastor Matt said in the beginning of counseling.”

  He nodded, peering down at the carpet. “Yes. I was just too dumb to understand it then. I’m going to start attending the men’s Bible study on Saturday mornings at Pastor Matt’s church.”

  “You love your Saturday mornings, though.”

  “I know.” Reaching a hand over, he touched the top of her hand. “But I love you more.”

  “Aw.” Leaning over, she kissed him. Then he took her by the hand and pulled her in close to him. Falling over onto the bed, he rolled on his side and started to push her hair away from her face. Raking his hand through her hair, he smiled as he peered into her eyes. Thankfulness radiated out from his heart in that moment and shot toward Heaven.

  She smiled as she kept her eyes locked onto him. “What are you thinking about?”

  “How blessed I am to have you.”

  West went to the men’s Bible study the following Saturday. Waking up before seven on a Saturday went against every logical part of West’s brain, but he knew it was a good step in the right direction. After his shower and getting dressed in a pair of gym shorts and a zip-up hooded sweatshirt, West drove down to the church.

  He was glad to see Steve’s truck in the parking lot. Parking beside it, he got out and went inside the double doors of the church. Following the sound of commotion, he walked down the hallway and found the men’s group in the fellowship hall. A dozen or so men were sitting at small round tables, talking with one another while a few were over at a folding table, picking out donuts and pouring cups of coffee.

  Then he saw Steve. He was making his way over to the table with the treats.

  Approaching him at the table, he patted his shoulder.

  “Hey, Steve.”

  Steve turned and raised his eyebrows and smiled. “West!”

  “I didn’t know you came to this men’s group.” West grabbed a Styrofoam cup and poured himself some coffee.

  “I sure do! I’ve been attending this church for five years. I come every Saturday. My wife goes to a ladies’ group on Thursdays.”

  “That’s awesome, man. Rachel has been attending that.” Moving down the table of treats, West grabbed a napkin, then a maple bar from a box of donuts.

  Walking together over to a table, the two of them sat down.

  “I’m glad you came. How’d you hear about it?” Steve took a sip of his coffee.

  “Rachel and I have been seeing Pastor Matt. He recommended it a while back, and then after our coffee on Tuesday, I realized I have to get plugged in.”

  “Right on.”

  Peering around at the other men, West’s gaze came back to Steve. “So, what’s this all about? We just sit around and read our Bibles?”

  Steve smiled as he shook his head. “Man, you’re deep in it.”

  “Deep into what?”

  “Bitterness.”

  “I’m not bitter.”

  “Yes, you are. Listen to the way you speak, West. ‘We just sit around and read our Bibles.’ That isn’t the kind of statement that comes from a man of God. That’s a statement that comes from someone here out of duty and obligation.” Steve pointed at West’s chest. “You have a heart problem, my friend.”

  He smiled and joked. “You keep it up, and I might punch you again.”

  They both laughed.

  Steve glanced over to the rows of chairs and the stage beyond them. “Soon, we will transition into a time of worship. Sing a few songs, then normally, we break into two groups. One group is going through the Old Testament, the other through the New Testament. Today, though, we have a guest speaker—Jim Dan.”

  “Who is that?”

  “A guy who attends this men’s group. He’s giving his testimony of overcoming sin in his life. Should be a good one.”

  “Awesome.”

  After the singing and the word of prayer, Jim Dan took to the stage and grabbed the microphone.

  “Imagine for a moment that you were playing basketball with some friends on a court. I walked up to you and asked for the basketball. You gave it to me. Now suppose I ask again for the basketball. You’d tell me I already have it. Let’s say, I get down on my knees and plead for the basketball. At this point, you’d assume I have some sort of mental disability because you’ve already given me the basketball!”

  The crowd laughed.

  Jim surveyed the room. “While this scenario seems hilarious, sadly, it’s how we approach the throne of God far too often in our lives. We’re living powerless lives, begging God for power we already have. Today, I want to talk about a prevailing issue inside the church, and that is of pornography.”

  Furrowing his eyebrows, West became uneasy. Searching the room, he saw Pastor Matt standing in the back listening to Jim. So upset over the fact that he had been lured into coming for the sole purpose of listening to this testimony, he rose from his seat and quietly went over to the pastor. He leaned in his ear and whispered.

  “You told me to come just because Jim Dan was giving this talk. Didn’t you?”

  Pastor Matt raised his eyebrows and shook his head. “I had no idea what Saturday you were coming. I honestly didn’t think about it.”

  “You think it was a coincidence, huh?”

  “Not at all, West.” Pastor Matt placed a hand on his shoulder. “It was a divine appointment by God. Now you can storm out of here, angry and upset, or you can sit down and listen to a man who has been there. The choice is yours. It’s always been yours.”

  Returning to his seat, West sat down and directed his focus upon Jim. His heart pounded as he listened.

  Jim gave the room his story of growing up. He found his father’s pornographic magazines under his bed when he was in third grade. It grew from there, reaching into his marriage and his whole life. He thought it’d end four years ago after he gave his life to Jesus, but it didn’t stop.

  “Despite the fact that I had believed and received the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Despite being a new creation as outlined in 2 Corinthians 5:17. Despite having the Holy Spirit living inside me, and finally . . . despite being able to walk in the liberty by which God has freed me, which is mentioned in Galatians 5:1. Despite all of it, I felt trapped inside this sin. I thought these walls were too thick for the healing power of Jesus. The problem with this kind of thinking is it diminishes the power of Jesus. It’s the thinking that ‘God can save you! But not from pornography.’ Thi
s is a lie too many men live by in today’s world.”

  Jim was quiet for a moment, tears welling in his eyes. His voice stammered as he continued. “The truth is, if you believe wrongly, God can’t make you strong.”

  He went on to detail the struggle between his wife and himself. The humility he felt. The rage she expressed.

  “Then I heard a deep and profound truth of God that spoke into my heart in a radical and transforming way. John 8:31-32, in the New King James Version, reads, ‘If you abide in My word, You are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.’ You see, gentlemen? It’s not YOU who can make you free. It’s God and the power of His Word that makes you free. We must abide in His Word.”

  West realized he was approaching his life, his marriage, this entire obstacle from the wrong direction. He thought back to Tuesday night when Rachel had mentioned their first meeting with Pastor Matt. In March, the pastor had started their first session with a focus on the heart, with a focus on each of their relationships with God. Peering over at Steve, he thought of his earlier comment about how West had been there out of duty. It was all starting to make sense.

  Walking into the house later that morning after the men’s Bible study, West knew what he had to do.

  Rachel was sitting on the couch when he walked in the front door. He leaned over the couch and kissed her cheek.

  “How’d it go?”

  “Good, good. I need to do some reading.”

  He headed up to the bedroom. Retrieving his Bible from atop the dresser, he sat down on the bed and flipped to the book of Ephesians and to chapter five.

  …Wake up, sleeper,

  rise from the dead,

  and Christ will shine on you.

  Ephesians 5:14

  Peering up at the ceiling as he thought about Jim Dan’s testimony, the last five months with Rachel, and how he hadn’t forgiven his mother, he started to weep and cry out to God. “I can’t do this, God. I can’t do it. I have nothing, I am nothing. I don’t deserve Your grace, Lord, but I need it. I don’t deserve Your love or Your comfort, but I need it. I don’t deserve Your help . . . but I need it right now.”