Get Your Loved One Sober

by Robert J. Meyers; Brenda L. Wolfe

  Step 7: Jack replies, “If I hear one more word out of you, I'm going back to the bar and show you what drunk really looks like. Now back off or I'll kick your ass. Where's my dinner?”

  This whole interaction took all of a minute and, to Carla and Jack, felt like a single event. To Carla, the event was Jack's coming home late. To Jack, the event was Carla's bugging him. However, you can see that a series of things happened in addition to Jack being late or Carla complaining. Jack tried to apologize and she rejected it. He got angrier, and so did she. Carla asked for consideration of her feelings, and he ignored her. Carla brought up past problems (“you never want to hear it”), and he threatened to hit her. It was a quick but powerful sequence that ended in a threat and the potential for physical violence.

  You can easily see from the example how violence builds. Breaking the interaction down into steps like this also helps you identify points at which the escalation toward violence could have been stopped. Carla could have stopped the progression in step 4 or step 6 by either dropping the subject or offering a positive or understanding statement (see chapter 9). Remember, Jack was drunk so it really was not reasonable to think he could be reasoned with. Nonetheless, Carla's pain and anger got the best of her, and she continued to argue even though it was pointless and, ultimately, dangerous. Carla is not the problem, but she can begin the solution. To get her point across, she must learn new ways to interact with Jack—even if it means backing off when she knows she is right. Making this change will give Carla greater control over the situation and get things moving in a healthy direction. Once the danger is past, Carla will have ample opportunity to express herself and make sure her needs are met. Right now, though, safety is the primary need.

  Learn to look for red flags that signal the potential for violence. Red flags are statements, expressions, or behaviors that typically precede a violent act. A penetrating glance or a pacing motion are examples of possible red flags. In our example, Jack's statement, “I'm tired and I don't want to hear it,” could have been the red flag that Carla missed. She might also have been alerted to possible violence when his language became rougher (“bug off” and “pain in the ass”).

  We know that in the heat of the moment you cannot analyze each statement and action. However, thinking about red flags before they happen will increase your sensitivity to them.

  Let's look in on Jack and Carla again and see if you notice any red flags that Carla missed. Carla and Jack are preparing a celebration dinner for her parents' anniversary. Jack is resistant to having them over because he thinks Carla's parents dislike him. It's Sunday afternoon, and Jack has been drinking.

  Carla: You know my parents like you. They just don't understand why you drink so much.

  Jack: I don't want to hear it. Your parents hate me and always have. I think they're jealous that I took away their precious daughter. I don't want them here. Take 'em to a burger joint.

  Carla: I know it's hard for you to be around my parents sometimes, but they do like you. We haven't had them over for almost a year and this is a special occasion.

  Jack: It's my house, I pay the damn mortgage, and I say they don't belong here. That's final.

  Carla: Please, Jack. This is important to me. Just this once can't we do something nice for them?

  At this point Jack throws his beer against the wall and pushes the table over.

  Jack: If one more word comes out of your mouth about this stupid dinner, you'll be sorry. Now clean up this mess. I'm going out.… You got anything else to say?

  Could you see the red flags? You certainly could see how quickly anger can take control of a situation. One minute Carla is pleading for a nice dinner for her folks and the next there's broken glass and beer all over the room. But what happened in between?

  If you look at this interaction carefully, you can find several red flags that Jack waved—albeit unintentionally. Just as he did during the last argument, Jack let Carla know pretty quickly that this topic was dangerous ground, that he “didn't want to hear it.” At that point, Carla could have avoided the outcome by dropping the subject. Following the first red flag, Jack's language became rougher as he swore about the “damn mortgage.” Carla could learn to detect this pattern in Jack's speech and see the appearance of cussing as a bright red flag that he is about to erupt. Upon seeing that flag, Carla could have prevented the resulting mess by dropping her agenda and backing off or saying something soothing to him.

  Plan Safe Red Flag Responses

  At this point you may feel somewhat annoyed because it sounds like we are suggesting you give in to the drinker's unreasonable behavior. We are not. To the contrary, we are helping you learn how to manage your own behavior to protect yourself and keep working toward improving your life and your relationship. Making a point is not worth a broken nose. This is one of those situations where the saying “lose the battle to win the war” is appropriate.

  Know when to compromise to keep yourself safe. Also remember your long-term goal. If you want to spend more non-drinking time with your loved one or influence how much she drinks, you may need to give in a little at the beginning to enjoy larger benefits later. Besides, you have enough emotional pain invested in this relationship. You don't need physical pain as well. Nothing is worth bruises or broken bones.

  The next exercise may be somewhat difficult but is necessary to give you the perspective you need to recognize your drinker's red flags. Read how Beth completed the activity and then complete your own in your notebook.

  Activity 8. Identify the Red Flags

  Recall the most recent violent or near-violent situation that occurred. Describe it in as much detail as you can. Think about what you were doing, where you were, what you were feeling, and what you were thinking. Try to recall what lead up to the problem. How did it escalate? Write down who said and did what. Also try to remember what the emotional tone was during the interaction. These antecedents, or triggers, that lead up to the difficulty are important facts to review.

  Once you have the situation re-created to the best of your ability, examine each piece to determine what could have been done differently to prevent violence. In other words, just as we examined Jack and Carla's scenarios for red flags, examine yours for red flags. Go back over your notes and circle the red flags you see. Look at how Beth (from the example at the beginning of the chapter) mapped out what happened after her dad came home drunk, fell into bed, slept through the morning wake-up alarm, and refused to get out of bed to prepare for work. Beth's red flags are shown in bold lettering.

  Once you have your red flags identified, you must figure out how to use them to protect you. Activity 9 helps you do that.

  Activity 9. Safer Red Flag Responses

  Record each red flag from Activity 8 here and think about what you could have done differently to short-circuit the buildup of pressure and to prevent the violence. Next to each red flag, script what you could have said or done to prevent the explosion. In other words, plan your safe red flag responses. See how Beth completed the activity below.

  The following example also shows you how Carla might have completed Activities 8 and 9 for another situation with Jack.

  Carla's Activity 8 Notes

  Carla opted to simply back off as each red flag went up, which works fine and solves the immediate danger. However, she will still need to resolve her own frustration and pain over the situation. While it is not a good idea to try to do that when Jack is raising flags, it would be helpful if she had a plan for making herself feel better. She might, for instance, call her sister to tell her how well she handled the situation (a little bragging can feel good), take herself out for dinner, call a Step-program sponsor, or otherwise vent her frustration—but safely. Later on, when she and Jack are calm, she can express her needs and wishes to him. As you plan your safer responses, also give thought to how you will vent your frustration—safely. Keep in mind, too, that ultimately improving the relationship and losing the drinking problem will be more s
atisfying than any immediate gratification you might get from shouting at your drinker.

  Now that you have begun to identify your loved one's red flags, you are sensitized to watching for them. The next time you and your drinker get into an argument, watch for these signs, and when you see them, don't ignore them! Of course the tough question is how do you change course when you see those flags and you're angry and caught up in the argument? Read on.

  Practice Safe Responses

  Red flags warn you of danger. They also do something else. They get your blood boiling. The angrier and more belligerent your drinker becomes, the angrier you become. Thus, you have the double challenge of having to recognize the red flags and get your own emotions under control so you can respond safely.

  The best way to get an instant grip on your emotions in those situations is to be prepared for them. You have already done a lot of the preparation in Activities 8 and 9. Now decide on a signal you can give yourself when a red flag goes up that reminds you the argument of the moment is not as important as your safety and your long-term goals for this relationship. For instance, you might tell yourself, “Red flag! Safety first!” or some other self-statement that feels natural to you.

  Now that that you've identified some of the more important red flags as well as figured out safe ways to respond to them, you can help yourself by practicing. Take a few moments each day to imagine the nasty situations you described in Activity 8 and visualize yourself reliving them but this time responding with your alert self-statement and the behaviors you outlined in Activity 9. The more times you do this inside your head, the easier it will be to do it in real life.

  When It's Too Late

  If the red flags have come and gone and you find yourself at the receiving end of a violent outburst, there are still some actions you can take to help yourself. First, let the outburst be a flag in no uncertain terms that it is time to end the argument. Broken bones do not help you make your point.

  If you can, get out of the house or apartment and into the open where others can see what's going on. In the best case, they will respond and come to your assistance or move children out of harm's way. In the worst case, they can be subpoenaed as witnesses.

  Always remember that the police are only three digits away. Dial 911 or, better yet, have it on your speed dial so fewer key presses can bring help. Even if you are unable to remain on the phone to provide information to the police, the emergency system can trace your telephone call to your address, and help will arrive.

  Say whatever it takes to calm your attacker. If he wants to hear that you are wrong and he is right, say so. If an apology or money is demanded, provide it. Do whatever it takes to stop the attack. When it is over and you are safe, you can take steps to recover your money or your ego. During the attack, the only important goal is ending it.

  If experience has taught you that when you try to be nice, your drinker interprets this as being condescending and increases her anger, then use your judgment when responding. You may need to simply plan to leave the house when you see the earliest of the early warning signs—just to avoid that potentially dangerous situation. Do whatever it takes. Be safe.

  Action Summary

  You have taken an important step forward if you completed all the exercises in this chapter. By ensuring your safety and those for whom you are responsible, you will free up your energy to focus on accomplishing the changes you desire.

  At this point you should have an escape bag packed and stored where you can get to it if violence becomes a risk. If you already have a safe house lined up, you might be able to store your escape bag there. If not, keep it in your car or at a neighbor's house. Make finding a safe house a priority! Don't wait until your children are terrorized and your nose is bleeding to figure out where to go. Know in advance and leave with confidence that it really will be safe.

  Review the work you did on Activities 8 and 9 and mentally rehearse your new safe red flag responses. Stay alert for red flags and use your new skills to change their outcomes. You have the same right as everyone to be treated with dignity and to feel safe in your own home. If the situation escalates beyond where you can change its course, get yourself and your dependents to the safe house. When things simmer down, you can decide what the next best step is. First and foremost, though, be safe.

  Recap

  Escape bag packed and ready to go.

  Scripted safe responses to red flags for violence.

  Safe house arranged and waiting should you need it.

  Kathy and Jim: Out of the Darkness

  The one time that Jim hit Kathy it scared her enough to avoid all further confrontation. While this accomplished her objective of avoiding another run-in with his fist, it also meant she could do nothing in the way of talking with him about their problems. She was living in a black hole of fear.

  When Kathy decided things had gone on long enough and she wanted more out of life, one of the first things she had to do was get past this immobilizing fear of Jim. By doing a careful analysis of the violent situation that had scared her as well as other verbally violent ones, she was able to identify a couple of the red flags Jim waves as he loses control. The first is that he says, “I can't deal with this.” Even though Kathy had heard him say that many times, she always interpreted it to mean he didn't want to bother dealing with the issue at hand. By writing out her interactions with him and analyzing them as we've shown you to do in this chapter, Kathy realized that Jim really couldn't handle the discussion and that his saying so was the first sign that he was losing control. Another red flag she identified was that just before he hit her, he started clenching and unclenching his fists—as if there was a tension there he couldn't get rid of—and pacing back and forth, faster and faster.

  In addition to identifying the red flags, Kathy prepared overnight bags for herself and the kids and left them at her sister's house. Her sister and brother-in-law agreed to provide a safe house should she need it.

  Having made sure she had somewhere to escape to and feeling confident she would know when to stop the conversation if needed, Kathy felt she could finally relax a little bit around Jim. She didn't immediately feel ready to confront him or even try to change him, but she also didn't feel she had to be a total doormat anymore. She now had skills to help herself stay safe. The situation was not as dark as she had believed. Although nothing major had changed, she knew that she had taken a huge step toward regaining control of her life.

  chapter 4

  Pick a Destination

  Maria and Mark

  When Mark came to us for help, he was so angry about Maria's drinking that he could barely remember why he married her in the first place. The harder he worked to get her to quit, the more she drank. They constantly argued and yelled. At night, she would drink to spite him but then she would wake up in the morning bathed in remorse, promising never to drink again. And, in spite of how many times this promise had been broken, Mark would grasp onto it and hope… until the next evening she came home and got plastered. In spite of the fact that Mark did everything in his power to show her how much he loved her by bathing her and tucking her into clean sheets when she got sick, calling in for her when she was too hungover to go to work, and generally making it as easy as possible for her to just focus on getting well, things did not improve. They just got worse.

  This is a good time to stop and think about what you want to accomplish with this program. Do you want your life to be the way it was before alcohol became the centerpiece in your relationship? Or are there other things you want now that you didn't think about back then? If you could make a movie of your “better life,” what would it look like? Who would be in it? What would the characters be doing? How would they treat one another?

  Successfully changing your life is easier if you have a vision of what you want it to become. Think about what you miss from better times and how you would like to live in the future. Before reading any further, take a few minutes to explore your memories a
nd your feelings. Then complete Activity 10. Take a look at how Mark completed this activity then write down your own answers in your notebook.

  Activity 10. A Better Life

  Thoughtfully complete steps A through D. Make sure you give three examples for each step.

  A Describe three activities you used to enjoy with your drinker that you no longer do together.

  1. Take evening walks

  2. Visit family together

  3. Go to church

  B Describe three activities your drinker currently does that you would like him/her to stop doing.

  1. Pour a drink the moment she walks in the house at night

  2. Lie about where she's been when she's late getting home

  3. Make fun of me when I ask her not to drink

  C Describe three activities your drinker currently does that you would like him/her to do more often.

  1. Watch TV with me while she is sober

  2. Help me with the yard work

  3. Spend more time with Nancy, a neighbor who does not drink

  D Describe three activities you and your drinker have not done in the past that you would like to do together.

  1. Go to the symphony

  2. Take up a sport such as tennis or racquetball