Weakness

by Shelley Michaels

  It seems while we were sleeping, Ben’s mum was fighting for her life, a battle she couldn’t win. Alexandra Taylor lost her struggle at eleven forty-five later that morning. I remember the time distinctly because it seemed I lost Ben around roughly the same time, the last words he uttered to me is, ‘you were right, love is a weakness.’

  ********

  Chapter Twenty

  Six months later

  I walked numbly through the shopping centre, glancing distractedly at the skimpy clothes and bikinis that I would be eager to try on for the upcoming summer season. There would be no laying on a beach with a frozen margarita in my hand for me this year. I close my eyes to push reality from my mind. I can’t do it, not right now. I am safer in the fantasy world I have forced myself to live in since boarding the plane from Denver just over six months ago.

  I had allowed myself to stay at Liddy and Cam’s for almost three weeks after Ben had coolly dismissed me with a politeness that I had never personally experienced from him before. I guessed it the tone that he used to rid himself of the casual woman that refused to take the hint after he had finished fucking them.

  We had returned to the loft together after that fateful day of his mum’s death. Ben hadn’t allowed me to comfort him in any way at his loss, and I had no choice but to respect his wishes in needing some headspace. He had extended the offer for me to stay at his loft as long as I wanted but told me that he needed to get away, alone, to get his head straight. I tried to reason with him, ask him whether I could come along, told him that I would be there for him when he needed me. But he had ignored me as he picked up a small duffle bag and loaded it with some necessities before leaving without a backwards glance.

  I had stayed there only one night before moving to Liddy’s. I had felt Ben’s detachment at the hospital but had considered he would come around once the shock of his mother’s untimely death had penetrated. After the coldness of his departure from the loft, I had surmised it would be better for me to give him total space and move to my sisters, although I was confident he would return to me once things were more apparent in his mind. Grief was different for everyone, I knew that and saw it on a regular basis at the hospital.

  Cam was in contact with Ben, and I knew this because sometimes when his phone rang, he would look at the screen, glance at me and walk out of the room.

  When I found out Ben had organised Alex’s funeral without my knowledge or an invitation to attend, I knew that Ben was walking away from me. I debated whether or not to go anyway, out of respect for the woman with the beautiful smile, but decided against it at the last minute. Instead, I took Blake and Kristen out for the day to keep us all occupied while Liddy and Cam attended, although I sent a beautiful bouquet of white roses, just like when his grandfather died, and he cut me out.

  By the time I had returned from the day out with the children, I had decided to return home for the second time and swore I would never again give Ben Taylor the time of day. The first time I left, I was sad, the latter, I was heart-broken. I had believed his declaration of love and for a split second had allowed myself to dream of another life, one where I could trust in love and a happy ending.

  My sister had received the all-clear from her final CT scan while I was there, so things were getting back to normal within her family and I knew it was time for me to move on in my life. The pain I felt at Ben’s desertion was like nothing I had ever experienced, but I knew I would survive, he was right I wasn’t my mother, I was a better version. I knew how to love. I had experienced it now. Did it hurt? It killed, but it wouldn’t kill me.

  So, I blocked his number from my phone and took a flight home, telling Liddy I wouldn’t be back for a while, but they were welcome to visit me anytime. I could tell Cam felt torn between wanting to rip Ben’s throat out and support him as his friend. Therefore, I didn’t speak about it to Cam, intentionally, I didn’t talk about it to anyone including Shauna, who rang me a couple of times to try and get to the bottom of what happened. I thanked her for her friendship and wished her and Kyle all the best for the future.

  My sister read my rejection, and I knew although she was sympathetic to Ben’s grief, she was goddam crazy mad for him for playing with my feelings. The problem was I couldn’t find the logic in what Ben did, he followed me to London to try and encourage me back to Denver to start a life with him. When I finally agreed, admittedly it was an emotional event, but at the first hurdle and at a time when you turn to those you love, he discarded me as if I meant nothing.

  I was proved right, love is a weakness, but at the same time, I wouldn’t swap those few months of happiness for anything.

  I push it all from my mind and continue my window shop, I was nervous, and I had every right to be. Lydia and Cam were arriving with the kids in an hour, despite me continually trying to put them off, and I had to explain somehow why I hadn’t told them I was almost seven months pregnant.

  On my return, we had continued our weekly video calls as usual, but it was easy to conceal a bump when they only ever saw me from the shoulders upwards. I hadn’t put on too much weight at all, except the basketball-sized lump in my abdomen. They would know straight away why I didn’t tell them. I’m not sure that they would understand.

  I don’t think I could cope with putting myself in a position where I had to look into his gorgeous blue eyes and not watch them go soft and lazy with lust as they stroked over me. Neither did I ever want ever to feel like someone was with me because of a mistake that I hadn’t intentionally made. I was on the pill. I had always been on the pill. The only way I could have become pregnant was that the week before Ben arrived in London, I had caught a stomach bug that was spreading through the department and was down for a couple of days with vomiting and diarrhoea.

  I knew when I eventually found out I was having a baby. I could never terminate the pregnancy. I loved Ben, whether it was mutual or not, I couldn’t get rid of our baby. I ignored it for a bit, and when I finally faced up to it, I cried for probably twenty-four hours before declaring to myself that I would be a good mum, I knew what a lousy mum was, and I would never allow myself to dip that low.

  Today was my first day of maternity leave. Nursing wasn’t a job that was particularly easy during the latter months of pregnancy, the work was physically demanding, and I was struggling. I had intended on working as late as I could for financial reasons, but I could no longer do the long hours. I knew I would have to return to work and put the baby in the crèche, thankfully the hospital had its own baby care, which meant I could spend more time with him. Oh yeah, it’s a boy. A boy I hope has deep blue eyes and dark hair just like his dad.

  I see them waving frantically as they push the trolley filled with suitcases through the arrivals hall. I wait for it, knowing it will take a split second for both Cam and Lydia to do the calculations and give me shit for keeping it from them.

  When they come closer, it happens, Cam’s jaw tightens, and his eyes harden as Lydia’s mouth drops open as her eyes fell on my stomach area. Kristen is in the process of running into me when she also looks at the protruding area.

  ‘Aunty Sasha!’ she grins, ‘are you having a baby?’

  I bend and hold her as close as I can, ‘I am, baby girl, I have missed this face,’ I grab her face and kiss it all over, and she giggles.

  ‘But you aren’t married,’ she murmurs, her little hand gently runs over the bump beneath my t-shirt dress.

  I hook Blake around the nape and pull him towards me, kissing his forehead, ‘how’s my favourite nephew?’ I ask, his cheeks pink and he looks down at my pregnant state.

  ‘Good,’ he calls, ‘that uncle Ben’s?’ He asks, perceptively.

  ‘Err,’ I stutter, but don’t answer him as I glance over and see Cam and Liddy look at each other and Cam shake his head in what looks like frustration. ‘Hey. Don’t I get a hug?’ I ask, looking at them both. I watch as Liddy’s eyes fill with tears and she moves to embrace me into her arms.

  ‘Why di
dn’t you tell me, Waspy?’ She demands, tearfully.

  ‘Why do you think?’ I sigh, feeling the relief of finally being able to expose my secret flow through me, along with the emotion of having my sister in my arms again. She nods against my head, and I know she gets it.

  I step back and look at Cam. He isn’t going to be so easy to convince.

  ‘Come here,’ he opens his arms, but his eyes are still mad. I step into his hug and squeeze him, ‘you have to tell him, Waspy.’

  ‘No,’ I step back and look up at him, pleading with my eyes. ‘No, Cam.’

  ‘Let’s discuss this later, baby,’ Liddy calls to her husband, and we move to the car rental booth where Cam has arranged a vehicle for their week-long trip to London.

  Unfortunately, my flat is too small for my family to stay with me, so they booked into the Premier Inn a few streets away, where they stayed a couple of years ago when they visited. I follow them in my car and wait in the restaurant that sits within the building for them to book in and carry their luggage up to their room. We usually have something to eat together, and then I leave them to settle in and grab a shower and some sleep. Tomorrow, we will spend the day together at London zoo, one of Blake’s favourites.

  When I see my sister appear on her own, I know she has purposely asked for time alone with me to try to convince me to tell Ben about the baby.

  ‘Got to say it suits you,’ she says, as she calls a waiter over. ‘Hi, can I get a vodka, cranberry, please? You want something, Sasha?’

  I point to my glass of Dr Pepper, ‘I’m good, honey.’

  ‘Make it a double, would ya,’ she smiles up flirtingly at the waiter that is probably about ten or something.

  I raise an eyebrow, ‘I hope you aren’t arguing over me,’ I mutter, knowing full well she has had words with her husband and my guess it’s about my current predicament.

  ‘He's a dick!’ She hisses. ‘Want’s to call Ben and update him, I had to point out that our priority is our family, that includes you! He obviously considers Ben family and is contending that he has an obligation to his brother and all that shit, thank you,’ she takes the tall glass from the waiter, who looks like he thinks he has struck gold.

  ‘I don’t want Ben knowing about this,’ I feel ice run through my veins, I have contemplated on many occasions at how it would go if I were to enlighten him. ‘He would hate me even more for bringing an unwanted baby into his life, besides he doesn’t have the stability in his life to make room for a child.’

  ‘I get that Waspy, but how do you think you are going to hide it, honey?’ She asks gently, ‘it’s a baby, you can’t keep it locked up inside your flat forever.’

  I shrug, ‘how’s he going to know? There is an awful lot of water between here and there,’ I answer, naively.

  ‘Sister, I love you, but if you think I can stop my husband from sharing all this, permanently, you are delusional, I can hold him off for a while, honey, but not forever,’ she takes a sip of her drink. ‘How are you gonna manage, Sasha, financially, with work and no support?’ She asks, softly.

  ‘I don’t want his money, I will put him in day-care, the hospital has a great crèche,’ I enforce. ‘I don’t need support,’ I add, stubbornly.

  ‘Sash, I know you are fiercely independent, but every new mum needs support. I can try to come back when it’s due, wait, it’s a boy?’ She probes.

  ‘Yeah,’ I smile, and she grins.

  ‘Still, you are going to need help, Waspy. Why don’t you come back with us, stay in the back room for a while, Cam is talking about us moving to somewhere bigger now he is working with Kyle and Nate. I can help, the baby will have family surrounding him.’ She offers, and I have to say it’s tempting.

  ‘It’s going well with Kyle?’ I ask, glad that he made that change for his family.

  ‘It is, he’s away here and there, but when he’s home, he’s home,’ she adds with a smile, her earlier gripe with Cam obviously forgotten. ‘It doesn’t have to be this way, Sasha. You were going to relocate to Denver for Ben. Maybe you should do it for your son, to give him a better upbringing.’

  ‘That’s not fair,’ I frown. ‘Everything I am doing is for my son. I don’t want him seeing a father that doesn’t give a shit about life, let alone about him,’ I insist.

  ‘How do you know he wouldn’t give a shit about him?’ She contests, just as the kids and Cam appear in the restaurant.

  ‘Let’s leave it while the kids are about,’ I hush her.

  ‘You do know that my kids see Ben on a regular basis, don’t you?’ She ignores my request and carries on as her family sit around us. ‘You going to make them pinkie promise not to tell him?’

  ‘I thought you were on my side,’ I scoff.

  ‘I wouldn’t have thought there were sides in a scenario like this,’ Cam added, calmly, as he called the waiter over.

  ‘Well, no you wouldn’t Cam because your life is perfect,’ I explode, unfairly. ‘It’s not you that’s facing the prospect of being a single parent, is it?’ I stand up, knowing if I stay much longer I am going to bawl my eyes out because I cry at the drop of a hat these days. ‘Sorry kidneys, I’m tired.’ I call to Blake and Kristen who are both observing the scene with surprise. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, love you.’ I turn to make a hasty exit, but I know Cam won’t let me go without putting his point across.

  ‘Sasha,’ he calls, softly, as I step into the fresh air.

  ‘Seriously, not now, Cam,’ I brush a tear that has somehow managed to escape and walk up to my car.

  ‘Stop!’ he calls, gently holding my arm and pulling me around, ‘stop,’ he says again. ‘I get you are hormonal. I get you are probably scared but don’t you ever tell me about how perfect my life is. Have you lost your memory or something, because I am damned sure you were there when my wife, your sister and the mother of my children was battling fucking breast cancer a few months ago,’ He is right, and I feel the mortification of my earlier accusation surround me? ‘I get that it’s going to be hard for you, but sweetheart, I have to tell you it doesn’t have to be that way and you know it. Ben would step up, and I think that’s what you are fucking scared of most. You have a family. You will always have a home with us. You choose to stay here and struggle then that is all on you, and not me or Liddy. We needed you, and you were there, we are here for you, darlin’, and we will be there for your son or daughter.’

  He wasn’t around when I mentioned I was having a boy, ‘it’s a son,’ I mutter, all the fight drained out of me.

  ‘A boy?’ He asks.

  ‘Yeah,’ I mumbled, leaning back against my vehicle door.

  ‘Wow! Congratulations, Waspy,’ his tone is less pissed, and for that I’m glad, I don’t want to fight with my family when they have flown halfway across the world to see me.

  ‘I don’t want to fight with you,’ I tell him.

  ‘Give me a hug,’ he pulls me in and leans his chin on my head. ‘Come on, the kids are spooked, they were so excited to be visiting their favourite Aunty,’ he puts an arm around my shoulder and guides me back into the restaurant.

  ‘I’m their only Aunty,’ I remind him.

  ‘You would be their favourite if you weren’t,’ he teases. I see Liddy’s expression show relief as I sit back down and provide her with a small smile.

  ‘Let’s order some crappy English food,’ Cam calls, handing everyone menus.

  ‘Whatever!’ I narrow my gaze at him, and he winks.

  For the next week, I spend all my waking hours with my family, enjoying every second as we travel across London visiting all the usual tourist traps. The kids are in good spirits, and Cam and Liddy enjoy some much-needed time together. Halfway through the week, I offer to have a sleepover with the children at my flat while Cam takes Lydia out on the town. When they both appear at lunchtime the following day, they look hung over, but incredibly happy.

  It isn’t until the night before they leave that we all sit back in the restaurant at the Premier Inn, r
eminiscing about our week. I can’t deny life is sweeter having family around; I rub a hand over my rounded abdomen and smile, soon I will have my very own family.

  ‘You got names?’ Cam queries, as he watches my hand protectively cover my bump.

  ‘I like Theo,’ I pause, before adding, ‘err, I also like Alex,’ I keep my eyes averted from my sister and perceptive brother-in-law, as I watch Blake and Kristen playing in the children’s soft-play and ball-pool area. They knew if I named my son Alex, it would be after Ben’s mum.

  ‘I don’t want to piss you off, darlin’, but I have to share a man’s perspective, I would want to know I had a son somewhere, whether I was with his mother or not. In my opinion, you owe it to your son for him to know his daddy. Ben didn’t know his father. You know that you think he’d want that for his son? You don’t have to make any decisions right now, all I ask is you reflect and while you are at it think about coming home to us, Waspy, if we could make it happen we’d come to you, but the kids have school, and I have a new job. Meanwhile, I’ll ask my parents to take the kids to Florida for a week for your due date, Lydia can come over and help. I’m sorry we can only do a week, sweetheart.’

  I nod, ‘thanks, Cam.’

  ‘You need anything? Money, for baby stuff?’ He continues, his gaze steady.

  ‘No,’ I frown. ‘Thank you, but I can manage, I have a little put by.’

  ‘You need anything, promise me you’ll ask, darlin’?’ I see Liddy move into his hold, and he circles his arms around her shoulders. She is thanking him for taking care of me.

  ‘I’m going to miss you all,’ I sniff, ‘Jesus, please tell me that these tears stop when he’s born, I feel like a fucking girl.’

  ‘You are a fucking girl,’ Liddy wipes at her eyes and moves around the booth to hug me, while one hand strokes over my baby bump. ‘You take care of my nephew, you hear?’ She squeaks, wiping at her own eyes. Cam gets up and wanders over to watch the kids.

  ‘Of course,’ I lean my head into hers. ‘I didn’t do too well with staying away from emotional attachments,’ I confess, softly. ‘I stayed away from love for thirty-one years and ended up falling regardless, for the wrong person and getting pregnant in the process. Double-trouble. I have all these weaknesses around me. I’m fucked, Liddy.’