Weakness

by Shelley Michaels

  ‘Love is a gift, dearest sister, I’ve always told you that. You just have to find the right fit. I know you don’t like speaking about him, but Ben is fighting a battle of his own, one that is very similar to what you have fought all your life, you are just a couple of steps ahead of him, honey.’

  For once, I allow myself to ask, ‘how is he doing?’

  ‘Not good,’ she shakes her head. ‘He’s given up. It’s ironic, you may have tried to prevent attachments from watching mum fall apart after dad died, but you didn’t need to, you are stronger than you think, you have survived the loss. You are a fighter, Sasha. Unfortunately, despite appearances, Ben isn’t and he is struggling to live his life. He has no family left and won’t let anyone near enough to show they care. The only one that gets close is Cam, which is why he is so adamant about you telling Ben about the baby. He thinks it will give him the hope he needs to brush himself down and go forth!’

  ‘I can’t have that connection with Ben again, Liddy,’ I confide. ‘It tore me apart when he rejected me. I couldn’t do that again, and I especially couldn’t handle it if he did it to my son.’

  ‘You know him; you think he would do that to his son?’ She asks.

  ‘I don’t know, Liddy, but I’m not gambling on my son. Mum fucked me up, you were older and had more normal years than I did, I don’t want my son starting off life thinking he’s not good enough or worthy enough, for his parent’s love.’

  ‘You felt that?’ She questions, with a scowl.

  ‘I did,’ I admit for the first time in my life.

  ‘I’m sorry, Waspy,’ she cups my cheek, affectionately, ‘you are worthy of love, I love you, Cam loves you, and the kids love you. That baby, he is going to be blessed to have you as a mum.’

  Her words are just what I needed to hear when I needed to hear them. I cuddle up to her, and we sit like that as we watch her husband playing with her kids. A tiny atom of me wishes that my son could have that, then I remember how one good parent is better than two bad. I am going to be that one good parent, I make a silent declaration to my son as he kicks inside me.

  When I leave Liddy and her family at the airport the following day, a sense of loneliness shrouds me. My nurse friends are mostly at work and the ones that aren’t, don’t have children and want to go out drinking. I am asleep by nine o’clock most nights, being pregnant sometimes feels like having the life sucked out of you.

  ********

  Chapter Twenty-One

  BEN

  Ben knocks on Cam’s door. He hasn’t seen him or Liddy for weeks now, Cam was calling him regularly, but seems to have stopped. It suddenly occurred to him, through his own selfish misery that he should have checked up on them both, especially Lydia after her recent illness.

  ‘Hey man, come on in,’ Cam looks shocked to find Ben on his doorstep but invites him inside.

  ‘Hey,’ Ben pumps his friend's hand in greeting and steps in the house. ‘Haven’t seen you for a while, everyone okay?’

  ‘Yeah, come on in, man. Want a beer?’ Cam gets two beers from the fridge and hands one to Ben, moving into the living room, where he has a game playing on the flat screen, and sitting on the sofa indicating for Ben to do the same.

  ‘Where is everyone?’ Ben asks, searching around at the unusually quiet house.

  ‘Kids are in Florida with my parents, Liddy’s in London,’ he mutes the volume on the game and turns to his friend. ‘How are you doing, fella. You decide on the bars?’ Ben was debating whether or not to sell the bars and just keep Honour. It was hard work balancing all of the establishments and keeping an eye on things from afar.

  ‘Haven’t made a decision yet,’ he mutters, distractedly, ‘what’s Liddy doing in London? Everything okay?’ He doesn’t usually inquire about Sasha, mainly because he knows he won’t be able to take or hide the pain when they finally tell him she has moved on. He couldn't think about her finding someone else that is capable of loving her how she needs to be loved, but he knows if Liddy is in London, it’s to see Sasha.

  ‘Nothing to worry about,’ Cam’s eyes drop to his beer and Ben immediately knows he is keeping something from him.

  ‘What’s going on, Cam?’ He can hear the sharpness of his own voice. Cam looks anxious as he runs one hand through his hair in what seems like frustration.

  ‘Listen, man. It’s not my story to tell. Appreciate it if you don’t question me. It’s hard for me, being in between you and my other family,’ so something was going on.

  ‘She found someone else?’ Ben probes, although his lungs empty of oxygen as he anticipates the response. He always knew the day would come. She was beautiful with her long curly dark hair and almond shaped brown eyes that a man could happily drown in. He hated himself for letting her get away so heartlessly, but she was right, love was a weakness, if you didn’t love, you couldn’t hurt when you no longer had it. He had lost his grandfather and his mother within months of each other, and it had affected him immensely. He had felt lost, lonely, detached from life, from emotion when he had walked away, leaving Sasha in his loft, devastating her with his inability to communicate how he felt.

  ‘That’s questioning me, Ben,’ Cam looks up at him.

  ‘What you hiding? I know I hurt her man, but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, let her go. I care about her, if she needs help, needs anything, I need you to tell me, Cam,’ he expresses, fervently.

  ‘She doesn’t want your help, Ben. In fact, you are the last person she wants anything from,’ he laughs, but it’s an empty sound, sardonic even. Fuck, is she ill?

  ‘She ill?’ Ben croaks, hoping, with all his heart, the answer to that is no.

  Cam’s phone ringing at that precise moment, may have been fate calling, or laughing at him, but he knew he had to take it. ‘Sorry brother, I have to take this,’ Cam stands and answers the call from his wife. ‘Hey, baby, everything okay?’ Ben watches Cam close his eyes in relief before a smile moves across his face. ‘She okay?’ More silence while he listens to the other end of the conversation. ‘I’m pleased, darlin’, you tell her I’ll speak to her tomorrow. Are you okay getting back to Sasha’s? You got her mini?’ More silence, ‘okay, baby, you call me when you get back safe? Sure, love you, Liddy, kiss them from me.’ Then he disconnects the call and faces Ben with a face filled with confusion.

  ‘Please, Cam,’ Ben mutters, ‘tell me she’s okay.’

  ‘She’s okay Ben, she’s just given birth to your son, both are healthy,’ his shoulders sag in almost relief as Ben processes his words.

  ‘Say what?’ he whispers, sitting back down on the sofa before his legs fail him.

  ‘As I say, not my story to tell. Sasha doesn’t want you within an inch of her son, and she’s prepared to go it alone, rather than gamble on you letting him down. I tried to talk her out of it. To be honest, I thought the kids would have let the cat out of the bag by now, but just so happens you’ve been on the missing list for the last month or so since we got back from visiting her in London, which is when we found out by the way.’ He shakes his head in what looks like frustration, ‘we’re trying to get her back here, to live with us, she has no support there, but would still prefer to be there because of you man, you fucked her up, and she doesn't want you fucking up the baby.’

  ‘You should have told me, Cam. We’re brothers, man!’ He stands and paces as he takes in what his friend is saying. Is he a father?

  ‘She’s my sister-in-law, you fucked her over not once, but twice, Ben. Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s for the best because right now, you are not in your own head. I’m sorry you’ve had a shit year and lost the people most important to you, but that doesn’t give you the right to be a dick man, and I have to say you treated her like a dick. She dropped her life and got on a plane to be there for you after you swore she was it for you. Then in five minutes you smashed her world apart and left her heart in smithereens, sound like a man you’d want to father your son? Three weeks she stayed here, waiting, patientl
y, for you to come to your senses and remember that you promised her the world, but you cut her out man, just like that,’ he clicked his fingers. ‘So, you think I should have told you, would you have if you were me?’

  Ben sits down and puts his head in his hands, ‘what have I done?’

  ********

  SASHA

  I gaze down at my baby boy with so much love in my heart that I know there will never be anything finer and purer. Liddy is lying beside me on my double bed, also glancing down at him.

  ‘He’s the most beautiful baby in the world,’ I gush.

  ‘You know everyone thinks their baby is the most beautiful baby in the world, right?’ She reminds me, amusement in her tone.

  ‘I know,’ I sigh, ‘but, he really is,’ I grin.

  He is tiny, with blue eyes that I know will transform to the beauty of his father’s and a head full of dark hair, which could be mine, framing his perfect features. The labour was long, as most are, at twenty-one hours, but it was worth every minute. Lydia was brilliant, she was calm and supportive and because she already experienced it twice, was more than qualified to be my birthing partner.

  We were released from the hospital after one night and had spent the past two days in my flat, most of the time on the bed just gazing at him. Well, I had, Lydia had been doing the washing from the hospital and tidying the house, so I had the time just to sit and gaze at my new son.

  ‘We have done a full turn around,’ I tell her, ‘you are looking after my household now.’

  ‘I only wish I could stay longer,’ she strokes a hand over Theo’s hair and holds out her hands, ‘my turn.’ I grin and hand him over and lay back against the soft pillow.

  ‘You were here when it mattered,’ I remind her, ‘I probably won’t leave the house now anyway, like forever,’ I joke, ‘well, at least until I need to go back to work. Thank god for online shopping, is all I can say.’

  ‘I have one more night, Sash, and then I have to go home, the kids will be home. Please, think about coming back with me, the kids would love to spoil their new cousin and Cam would be the best with him, something you know,’ her eyes search my face. ‘It doesn’t feel right, leaving you two alone,’ she kisses Theo’s nose and places him over her shoulder, gently stroking a hand over his back. Us two, I was a two now, not a one, a two in the way I never thought I would be, but a two anyhow.

  I have to say I have considered moving back to Denver a lot since Cam and Liddy’s visit a couple of months ago. I have gone over and over it, weighing up the pro’s and con’s and it seriously made sense, but the thought of Ben reappearing in my life and turning my life upside down again was something I couldn't comprehend. I didn’t think my heart could survive any more heartbreak. ‘I have thought about it, Liddy,’ I promise, ‘and I will continue to think about it, okay?’

  ‘Okay,’ she sighs, ‘now, I’m going to put this fella down and make us some dinner, are you staying there?’ She tests, as she lays my son in his crib.

  ‘No, I need to move around,’ I stand up cautiously and in my jogging bottoms and vest top wander over to the cot in the corner of my room to check on my boy. He looked so content as he lay in his snow-white onesie, his soft heart shaped lips twitching in dream, I smile again, before I pad into the living room and sit precariously on the sofa.

  ‘Pasta alright?’ She speaks from inside the fridge, ‘with some chicken?’

  ‘Anything is good,’ I respond, as I flick through the channels of the TV. The doorbell rings and frowning, Lydia closes the door to the fridge and moves to answer it, we had told my work colleagues that I needed a couple of days to settle the baby before the hordes of visitors descended, maybe it’s one of the neighbours. I can see the front door from my seat on the sofa and check over my shoulder curiously as the door opens and standing in front of it is Ben.

  ‘What the fuck?’ I gasp, as he steps inside, his eyes fixed on mine as he bends to kiss Lydia’s cheek.

  ‘Hi, darlin’, you okay?’ His voice is soft, like velvet.

  My sister’s mouth shuts from dangling open, and her hand moves to her hip, which I know means trouble. ‘Are you kidding me, I take it this is Cam?’ She mutters up to the man that I hadn't seen for eight months but looks even darker and moody in a hot as fuck kind of way. My heart thumps in my chest and my body tenses, this is what I have been trying to avoid, this is precisely the reason why I wanted him kept away from my baby and me.

  ‘Relax Liddy,’ he warns in a voice that suggests he won’t be standing for much of my sister’s dramatics.

  ‘Fucking relax, Liddy responds,’ slamming the door with a thud, that makes me jump and my new son cry. ‘Shit! Sorry, I forgot,’ she scurries into my bedroom, and I hear her soothing tones try to settle Theo. I listen to it, but my eyes spear to the man who has walked towards me, in his usual smooth manner, despite his size and is now sitting beside me. My body is weak anyway, his proximity makes it feel as if it can’t hold myself upright. I lean back against the sofa and take a deep breath as I try to calm my erratic heartbeat.

  ‘I’m not here to upset you in any way, Sasha,’ his tone is even, cautious.

  ‘Why are you here?’ I can hear the shuddering of my voice in the question.

  ‘To see my son,’ he murmurs, quietly. ‘You were going to keep him from me,’ he doesn’t ask, he states.

  ‘I want my son strong,’ I announce, steadier. The shock of his arrival has hit, but now it is settling in the pit of my stomach. I am a mum, and I have to dig deep to stay tough for my boy.

  ‘You don’t think he would be strong with me as his father?’ That one was a question.

  I inhale a deep breath and give it to him straight, ‘forgive me if my opinion of you is different from yours, see, I have experienced your flakiness, first hand.’

  ‘My what?’ He probes, confusion in his glorious, very sexy as sin blue gaze.

  ‘Flakiness! It’s a word to describe someone that says one thing and does another, inconsistent if you will,’ I lift my chin a notch higher.

  His eyes drop to the sofa for a second before lifting back to hold mine, ‘I guess I deserved that.’

  ‘Yep!’ I agree.

  ‘You should have told me, Sasha,’ he repeats his first statement.

  ‘Maybe, but despite what I see in your expression, I didn’t do this to point score with you. I did this with my child’s well-being as the top priority. I am not watching as you yo-yo in and out of his life leaving him speculating as to what he has done wrong. Something that I have again experienced first-hand.’ Okay, there was probably no need for that.

  He nods, ‘I get it,’ he mutters. ‘I get why you have no faith in me, and I get why you would protect our son from someone you presume can't give him what you want him to have. But, you decided to have my child, I had no say in the matter, and now he is here. I am entitled to be in his life, whether you want it or not.’

  ‘I didn’t do it deliberately, Ben,’ I snap. ‘But it happened, and I do appear to have a say as to who features in his life, whether you think so or not. I am his mother.’

  ‘And, it seems I am his father,’ his voice has lost its earlier reasonability and is now sharp, dominating. ‘I apologise,’ he adds but sounds far from apologetic. ‘I'm sorry that I let you down, I wasn’t in a good place, and I admit I could have handled things better, but we are where we are, and I have a right to access to my son. Now, I don’t want to be a dick about this, Sasha, but you know I take this legal, I will attain all I want in visitation for him.’

  ‘That’s funny you are saying that,’ I ignore the clenching of my gut at his threat. I hadn’t thought about him fighting dirty with solicitors, fear clenches my heart with a cold hand, ‘because from where I am sitting, and after the way you have treated me in the past, all I see in front of me is a dick. You want to make this war, only goes to prove I was right trying to keep your influence away, my son is three days old, and already you want to drag him through the courts.’ I dash the t
ears that seem to be silently leaking from my eyes. ‘I would rather die than give him to you,’ I sob.

  ‘I didn’t mean it like that, don’t cry, I’m sorry,’ his face softens, and his hand comes out to touch me, ‘Queenie!’

  ‘Don’t!’ I cry, ‘and don’t ever call me that.’

  ‘Enough!’ Liddy calls from the doorway. ‘What the fuck are you doing, Ben?’ Her voice is incredulous, ‘she has just given birth to your son, what the fuck is wrong with you? You know, I have to admit I thought she was wrong keeping him from you, but what I see right now, I am regretting that. Get the fuck out of here, and in future, you want a visit, you arrange it through your fucking lawyer, are we clear?’ Her voice is loud and icy, and she means business.

  Ben stands and faces off with my sister, but I don’t listen to what he is saying because all I can hear is Theo crying in the bedroom. I stand unsteadily and move towards him, wiping away the tears from my face as I go, I don’t care what they are fighting about, my son is calling for me. Theo is whimpering in his crib, his little fists wiggling around in displeasure. I bend down and scoop him up, holding him close to my chest. ‘It’s okay, baby, I got you,’ the occasional hiccup is all that remains of my tears, ‘it’s okay.’

  He settles immediately and nuzzles into my neck, I walk him over to the window and try to calm myself down as I look blindly down on the outside streets. I can hear a distant murmuring of voices in the living room, but push them from my mind as I inhale the newly born scent that I only now understand the allure.

  I don’t know how long it is after I leave the room, but it isn’t long before I hear someone enter, I turn, with Theo clutched to my chest.

  ‘Waspy?’ Liddy calls, but my eyes move to the tall shadow standing behind her. ‘Ben just wants to see him, honey. He isn’t going to upset you, and he won’t be taking Theo through the courts,’ she pledges. ‘You are both upset, for various reasons, let’s just get some perspective here, Sash.’