Weakness

by Shelley Michaels

  I take a deep breath and look back to the window, she is right, this is getting us nowhere, ‘okay,’ I whisper, tiredness suddenly consuming me.

  I feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise as he steps towards me. I would sense this man in a football stadium.

  ‘I’m sorry, Queenie,’ he whispers, close to my side. ‘I’m so sorry, for everything. I wouldn’t want me around me, either, so I get where you are coming from, baby.’ The use of my nickname along with regret in his warm voice may have well been a knife piercing through my chest. I inhale a sharp breath and Theo wiggles in my arms. I hug him closer. ‘Can I hold him?’ He asks, gently.

  I move my lips to my son’s hair and kiss him, ‘make sure you hold his head,’ I instruct, offering him over to the hands that could hold the entirety of my son in just one of them. When he has his round bottom in one and his small round head in the other as he holds him in front of his face, I watch the emotion flicker over his face.

  ‘He’s like you,’ he marvels, his voice trembling slightly. ‘He’s stunning,’ he whispers, lifting him and kissing him softly on his forehead. ‘I will be the best father,’ he promises, I’m not sure to whom, me or Theo. ‘I promise,’ then he looks over to me with eyes that are warm and soft, ‘I’ll sort my shit out, Sasha,’ he declares.

  I hold his gaze for a couple of seconds, before nodding once as I wrap my arms defensively around myself.

  ‘I’ll make it up to you,’ he speaks into my eyes.

  ‘This isn’t about you and me, that’s done and dusted, this is about doing what’s right for my son,’ I answer, blandly.

  ‘Our son,’ he corrects me, ‘this is about what’s right for our son, Sasha.’ No, he can’t be compliant for too long, his dominance is always just below the surface. ‘You called him Theo?’

  ‘Yeah, don’t you like it?’ Not that I’m prepared to change it, I think to myself.

  ‘It’s fine. Any middle name?’ He requests.

  ‘He does, but you can choose a middle name if you like,’ I relent, although I had already decided on Alexander.

  ‘What did you choose?’ He asked, still gazing down at Theo.

  I sigh, hoping he doesn’t look too deep into it, ‘Alexander.’

  His head shoots up, and his eyes take in mine, ‘after my Ma?’

  ‘She was a special lady and his grandma, seeing as he’s never going to meet her, I thought he should have a piece of her,’ I try to ignore the laziness of his glance, knowing it was my downfall in the early days, ‘well, the male version.’ I add.

  ‘Even though you didn’t want me to have anything to do with him, you wanted him to have a piece of me too?’ He surmises, incorrectly.

  ‘Your mum,’ I correct. ‘And, you are right, I wasn’t sure whether your effect on him would be advantageous, but I was coming to terms with the fact that you would probably find out either through the children or through Cam, who was fighting against me keeping it a secret, I hasten to add. I don’t think it would have been logistically possible for me to keep him a secret, with you being family to Cam and Liddy.’ I admit something I had been mulling over for the duration of the pregnancy.

  He looks over to me, his eyes assessing the truth of my words.

  ‘Now, if you want to hold him any longer, I need to sit, and I suggest we do that in the living room,’ I point to the door, which he moves towards with my precious son in his hands.

  When we hit the living area, Liddy is in the kitchen cooking up my dinner. She glances over at me, her eyes anxious before she looks at Ben, with Theo in his grasp. I give her a small reassuring smile and sit in the corner of my sofa snuggling onto the arm.

  ‘Eat, before you sleep, Sasha,’ Liddy calls over, sensing my weariness, ‘it will be two minutes.’

  ‘Okay,’ I yawn, as I watch Ben sit on the opposite side of the sofa and cradle my son in the vast crook of his arm, his eyes staring down admiring the now sleeping bundle.

  ‘Keep her awake for a minute, Ben. She hasn’t eaten, and Theo will want a feed soon, she has to keep her strength up,’ my sister bosses Ben.

  ‘I’m awake,’ but I can feel my eyelids drooping.

  ‘Queenie,’ Ben turns to me, ‘you have any photos of you pregnant?’

  ‘No,’ I shake my head, although I do, I just don’t want to share them.

  ‘That’s a downright lie,’ his eyebrow arcs.

  ‘Yeah it is,’ I confess, ‘but you aren’t seeing them.’ I hear Liddy giggle from the kitchen and watch as Ben’s lips tilt up in that way that surrounds me in warmth even though it shouldn’t.

  ‘Why not? You naked in them?’ He teases as he used to in the days when I liked him, no loved him.

  ‘Yes, Ben, because I often strip naked and take photos of myself,’ I respond, sardonically.

  ‘Really? That was a side to you I never knew,’ he makes a humming sound as if he is considering my words.

  I roll my eyes in his direction, and Liddy calls us. ‘Come on, Ben I made you some seeing as you probably just got off of a plane after a long flight.’ I frown up at her, and she gives me a death stare, or as near as, which notifies me that it’s the right thing to do. ‘I’ll take Theo back to his crib while we eat.’

  I stand slowly and move to the cramped breakfast bar area and sit gently down on the hard surface.

  ‘Silly question asking if you are sore?’ Ben annoys me by sitting beside me, rather than on the end of the bar, where my sister will be now forced to sit.

  ‘Yep!’ I sip from the glass of water that my sister had poured and try to ignore Ben’s disturbing presence. I hear him sigh, but don’t chance a glance over.

  ‘Okay,’ Liddy sits and picks up her fork, ‘dig in folks, it’s nothing special, but it’s food.’

  ‘Thanks, Honey-bee,’ I begin to eat, I am hungry, but I am exhausted. Child-birth sure does take its toll on a girl’s body.

  ‘Thank you, darlin’,’ Ben calls to my sister.

  Lydia begins to chatter like she does when stillness fills the room, my sister is not very comfortable around peace. I guess her house is very rarely quiet with the kids, so I understand, but for me and I know for Ben, or the Ben I knew, we were both comfortable in silence. I hear Ben answer her questions, but I’m not listening as I chew the tasty enough pasta, while contemplating the significance of Ben involving himself in mine and Theo’s life.

  ‘I need to sleep,’ I interrupt their conversation, both of them turn to look at me. ‘This is great, Liddy, but I am dead on my feet. Keep it for me, and I’ll heat it up when I have had a nap.’

  ‘Okay, Waspy, sleep,’ her eyes take in my almost inability to lift the fork, and they soften.

  ‘We’ll talk tomorrow,’ I murmur to Ben, as I pass him.

  ‘Okay, Queenie,’ he almost purrs in that seductive voice that used to have me practically panting at his feet.

  ********

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I sleep hard for an hour before I hear Theo waking beside me in his crib. I sit up and rub my eyes before turning on the bedside lamp and reaching for him to begin the fiddly task of getting him to latch on to my sore nipple. When he finally does, I lean my head back against the headboard as I contemplate the past few hours. I don’t know what I expected really, but apart from the first heated conversation things didn’t go as wrong as they could have, I guess.

  The knock on the door startles me, and I cover my breast up with Theo’s blanket knowing it isn’t Liddy because she wouldn’t knock. There are no doors between my sister and me; there had never been. ‘Yes?’ I call, my voice gravelly through sleep.

  Ben’s head pops around the door, ‘alright if I come in?’ But, as he says it, he does it anyway.

  ‘Seems you are,’ I mumble. ‘I thought you’d be gone,’ I comment, as he sits at the foot of my bed and regards me closely.

  ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he states, and I know by his words he means it in more ways than leaving for the evening.

  I just st
are at him, as my son feeds from my breast, until finally, I ask, ‘what do you want, Ben?’

  ‘A chance, to be a father. I never had one, as you know, but I had just as good in my grandfather. I want a real chance, Sasha, not a give me the least amount of contact to keep me off your back kind of chance.’

  I know it’s the right thing to do, deep down I always have, but it’s going to be hard facing the father of my baby knowing how I feel about him. Maybe it will wear off once I see the real Ben, the flaky Ben that I have labelled him since his easy dismissal of me.

  I nod, ‘okay.’

  I see the relief in his sharp features. ‘Liddy tells me she is booked on a flight home tomorrow?’ He continues.

  ‘Yeah,’ I reply, ‘but, we’ll be fine. I have friends that will help,’ that is another lie, my friends aren’t necessarily the kind to want a baby cramping their style, but I wouldn’t admit that to Ben.

  ‘Nevertheless, I am staying in London for a while, to bond with my son and make sure his mother taken care of,’ he announces. I am booked into a hotel not far away, or I can stay on your couch and help where necessary, but either way, I am here to help – so utilise me.’ Then he sits and watches me, waiting for a reaction.

  ‘That’s not necessary, sure spend some time with Theo, but I am fine, I am a bit tired from the birth, but that’s normal,’ I feel panic rising in my chest, knowing I can’t bear to be continuously around him, not again.

  ‘What you scared of, Sasha?’ He tips his head to the side, and his eyes burn into mine, accusingly.

  ‘I’m not scared of anything. I just need some time for myself, you know? Sure, we can arrange some time for you to come and see the baby, but don’t you need to get back to Denver, to the clubs?’ I ask, trying to divert the conversation away from me and my feelings.

  ‘I have things covered,’ he announces, softly, his blue eyes lighting with what appears to be amusement. ‘Liddy says you are thinking about relocating to Denver, to be around family?’

  ‘Well, I am only considering my options at the moment, nothing is set in stone,’ although right now I feel betrayed by my sister’s quick exit, not because she has her own life to get back to, but because without her as a shield I have to face the beast alone.

  ‘Surely, it makes sense. You and Theo will have a support system in Denver?’ He probes. ‘I can get you both your own place, near us all,’ he offers.

  ‘I am not interested in your money,’ I announce, icily, ‘if I went back to Denver, we would move in with Cam and Liddy.’

  ‘What in that tiny room, the two of you and all the equipment that comes alongside a baby?’ He scowls. ‘And just for your information, baby, I will be financially supporting my family, my family is you and the baby. If that means buying you your own place or moving you into mine, it’s what’s going to happen. My son certainly won’t want for anything.’

  ‘Love is what matters,’ I tell him, ‘not material things, and I don’t need your money or your loft, thank you very much. We need stability, not a knee-jerk offer that could be swiped away at the drop of a hat.’

  ‘You think I’d do that to him, to you both?’ He mocks as if he hasn’t already done it.

  ‘Newsflash, honey, you already did.’ He starts to respond, but Theo takes that moment to lose my nipple, and I struggle for a few beats as I reattach him, ‘it’s okay, baby boy,’ I coo, as I resettle him.

  ‘You’re a good mum,’ he states, from his place at my feet. ‘I can tell you don’t see him as a weakness.’

  ‘Nope!’ I glare down the bed at him, remembering how he threw my words back at me, that fateful day. ‘I’ve learned a lot about myself thanks to recent circumstances and this little fella,’ I glance down at my son. ‘I was wrong all those years about love being a weakness, love makes you stronger, and I have enough inside me to battle anything or anyone. My mother was weak, she was a fragile person, losing my dad made her vulnerable mainly because he did the loving for the both of them, she didn’t participate a lot in either her life or in their relationship. Yeah, relationships go wrong sometimes, but we get back up and dust ourselves down and keep the sweet memories we had during that time and move on.

  So, in answer to your question. No. Theo isn’t a weakness. He has given me, even more, strength because I love him so fiercely, something my mum should have done for Lydia and me but didn’t have it in her to do.’

  The room remains quiet, and I suddenly feel embarrassed by my emotional outburst, definitely by my oversharing. Ben regards me seriously, his jaw tight, his lips pursed. ‘And you came to that conclusion by being pregnant?’ He finally questions.

  I shrug, ‘and you dumping me. I found out you really can’t die of heartbreak, it only makes you stronger, as do all knocks in life.’

  ‘I didn’t dump you,’ he murmurs, softly.

  I wave a hand away distractedly, casually as if it didn’t matter anyhow, not wanting to think about all the nights that I cried a river of tears, for months, after his rejection.

  ‘I didn’t dump you,’ he repeats. ‘I dumped myself, in a pond full of self-pity. I panicked and ran, from myself. I’ve learned you can’t run from yourself, you have to address the real issue.’

  ‘Yeah well, tomato’s-tomatoes,’ I respond, flippantly.

  I lift a sleepy Theo off my breast without managing to flash my nudity and pass him to Ben, ‘you want to take him a minute?’ I offer.

  He takes him from me and brings him directly to his face, ‘he is beautiful,’ he announces, as I tuck in my voluptuous bust inside my not so sexy nursing bra.

  ‘He is,’ I agree, ‘I guess it’s one thing we did right,’ I scoff, turning to climb out of bed and prepare to change his nappy.

  ‘Don’t do that,’ Ben orders, irritated.

  ‘What?’ I ask, confused by his instruction.

  ‘Make out we had nothing, we had something, I fucked it up. You think I don’t know that?’ He asks, his eyes almost pleading with me to understand.

  ‘I’m not going there, Ben. It’s irrelevant, all you are to me is my son’s father and vice-versa, now are you up for changing his nappy?’ I ask, my eyes wide in question.

  He stood and moved over to me at the baby changing unit, ‘they’re called diapers, Queenie, and yeah, I wanna change his diaper.’

  It isn’t until almost ten o’clock that evening that I finally throw Ben out, telling him that I am going to bed and want to spend my final night with my sister without him looming over Theo and me. My flat is small. It’s always been small, with him in it; it’s entirely minute. He, for once, obeys me and tells Liddy he will collect her and drive her to the airport at midday.

  Once I feed Theo again, in bed, both Liddy and I discuss the whole Ben situation. I share what he said to me, and she shared what Cam said, and how he only updated Ben to Theo’s existence because he happened to be at the house when Liddy rang to tell him I’d had the baby. I didn’t feel any malice towards Cam. He’d kept the secret longer than I thought he would.

  ‘I think you should come over to Denver, regardless,’ my sister announced. ‘You are on maternity leave now anyhow, so there is little point in you hanging around here alone, when you can be with me, Cam and the kids at home. You decide you want to come back once it’s time to go back to work, then you can always fly back. But, if you are staying in London to prevent being around a certain handsome stud-muffin, it’s not going to work, Waspy. He is stubborn and has already told me he intends to stay here as long as he needs, to be close to Theo.’

  I think about her explanation and know she is right. I don’t need to make any long-term decisions immediately. I had calculated that I could afford to take at least four months off of work with my maternity pay, I had until then to evaluate the situation. I could put the flights on my credit card for now and worry about it later. Lydia was right. I needed my family about now.

  ‘Okay,’ I agree. ‘What about Cam? Will he be cool with me rocking up to stay for a couple of months
with a screaming baby?’

  She rolls her eyes, ‘sister. He will love it,’ she insists. ‘You need to get the birth certificate sorted out, and a passport organised, think you can do that soon?’

  ‘I think so,’ I nod, suddenly feeling excited at the prospect of introducing my son to my family. ‘I’ll get right on it.’

  ********

  When Ben arrives to collect Liddy, the following day, I am more prepared. I have dressed Theo, in a light blue romper suit and put myself back in my maternity jeans and a long black t-shirt to hide the gross baby bump residue. No one mentions the pocket of skin that appears immediately after giving birth. I hadn’t put on much weight, other than the baby, but still, I wasn’t happy with my new pouch.

  I had also subconsciously left my hair down and even applied a layer of mascara to my lashes, none of which was to impress Ben, I told myself and Liddy, but to make me feel less frumpy and more in charge of the situation at hand.

  I hug my sister tight, while Ben goes directly to Theo and lifts him to his face, planting a kiss directly on his soft lips. Now, I know there is a lot of talk about kissing babies on lips, but for me, it is not only a parent’s prerogative, but it’s also fucking cute as candy.

  ‘Get moving on arrangements,’ she reminds me for the tenth time this morning, ‘I will start preparing for your arrival. You have the flight money?’ She checks. I don’t, but I wouldn’t let her know that as she and Cam are far from flush. I look up and see Ben watching us, keenly.

  ‘It’s all good. We’ll talk later,’ I send my sister a look that suggests we continued our planning when a certain somebody wasn’t in earshot. ‘Thank you, Honey-bee,’ I hug her tight, ‘for everything.’

  ‘Hey, it’s what we do, remember?’ Those are the exact words I had recited to my sister when I had taken care of her during her treatment.