Babydoll

by Nikkole Pruett

* * *

  "Really?" I asked my friend, rolling my cig over in my hand.

  She answered me with a smirk that reminded me of her brothers. I wasn’t sure when she had managed the task but she had gone through my pack and inked passive aggressive messages on each smoke. 'Sorry Dad', 'Voice Box, and 'I need Trident', some of them read.

  "Love you, Baby-doll," Lucy told me with another smile, this one saccharine sweet.

  Lucy was convinced that my new vice is going to kill me. I wasn’t really that worried. And everybody had their demons. Some were just easier to fight. That very idea had been weighing a lot on my mind, how my friends were all fucked up with their demons. Even if they didn't show it. Even if they didn't even realize it.

  Lucy didn't realize she was afflicted with no chill. She simply could not stop picking everyone around her apart. She harped on my smoking, she constantly brought up Lane's past sluttyness, she even tisked about Luke's epic displays of gluttony. The only person who escaped her critical eye was Haley. I was fairly certain Lucy had already given up on her. And Lucy didn't even know the half of it.

  Haley stayed with me for the rest of Thanksgiving break. She needed affection and attention and she got it. We talked endlessly about what happened. I knew I was in over my head but when I asked her to talk to an adult, someone who could really help she refused.

  "Rehab is just a pretty word for lock-up, Baby-doll," she said.

  "But, Haley, if you need help," I started.

  "I'm ok, Bailey, I promise. It was just one mistake. It won't happen again. Please don't tell. Please." Eyes that were just beginning to look rested implored me. I nodded agreement even though I didn't really want to.

  I thought that horror show would make Haley see how her bad choices were taking her to a really scary place. And it seemed like it did for a while. She was all smiles and bright eyes through the holidays. Skinny turned back into healthy. Tired transformed into perky. I felt like I had my friend back. But when we got back to school and spring started to roll in I watched her start slipping again. Makenna would pop in at lunch and she'd shoot me an apologetic smile and slip out. But things weren’t quite as bad as they had been before. She was around for more weekends. When she was spending the weekend hanging out with Lucy and I, I knew they worst she was doing was smoking a little herb. Even though spending more time with my oldest girlfriend meant less time with my boyfriend, it was worth it.

  I spent so much of my time worried about my friends I barely had time to worry about my own shit. Not only had I not figured out what to do about the Lane situation, I knew I should have been more worried about getting busted for my newest little habit. We were all out of smoke one day at the Rec center and one of the guys tossed me a Newport. It kind of stuck with me. I had always been careful to use lotion and body spray and gum when I smoked my weed but I had a habit of being carless when I smoked a cig. I had seen my dad sniffing the air like a cautious deer on occasion. A cautious dad was a bad thing. A cautious dad, worried about his daughter smoking, would start poking around. Poking around could lead to far bigger discoveries than a pack of smokes or a little herb. Maybe even something like me and my boy ditching class in favor of naked time in my bed. And I could tell our super-secret relationship was starting to really wearing on both of us.

  I always found myself thinking how things would be better if we were just a normal couple. Even with Lucy on my case that day could have been the perfect start of summer day if I could have just had him next to me. Instead, I was leaned against the railing getting my nicotine fix while his little sister alternated between texting Gavin and giving me impatient side eye. I could already see Lane down on the sand tossing a football with his big brother. I wanted to run the distance between us and jump on his back. I wanted to kiss his neck and whisper in his ear that I had missed him because he hadn't been over in three whole days. But instead I finished my smoke and link my arm through Lucy's.

  "Let's go Miss Impatient," I said as we headed down to the beach.

  B

  "Really?" I asked, arching an eyebrow at Luke. He had switched Lupe Fiasco to Katy Perry which led me to believe he had too much to drink.

  "Hell yeah, really," he said, with a grin. "Katy is hot. She's kissing girls."

  Sure enough Katy was singing about cherry Chapstick and thinking she liked it. And Luke's enthusiasm earned him a smack from the blonde sharing his beach towel. It appeared him and Haley were back on again. I didn't begin to understand their relationship but I had no business judging anybody.

  The sun was sinking and that seemed to be the cure for the party to really get started. The day was all Frisbee and football and dips in the water but when the shadows are got longer, couples acted more coupley and singles got booze brave and started flirting hard. Lane and I had been close but not too close all day. The day had been all careful looks and accidental on purpose touches. Twice I had text him that we should disappear for a bit like Lucy and Gavin had. But I only got a head shake and a smirk. He had been bringing up making out relationship legit a lot more frequently. I had the idea he was keeping me at a distance all day to punish me because I kept saying no.

  Lane thought he could charm anyone but there was no charming officer Sweeten. And I knew Lucy would never forgive me. He said we could pretend everything between us had just started but Lucy would know better. I wanted us to be a real couple too but there was just so much baggage to sort through. Not to mention there were still promises he had never made good on hanging between us. I still kissed cut lips and ran my fingers over bruises.

  Katy moved on to the standard break up ballad and Luke and Haley moved into full cuddle mode. That was more than enough for me. I stood up and slip my feet into my flip flops. When Haley looked up at me I gave her an encouraging smile.

  "Gonna take a walk," I told her.

  "Stay out of trouble," she told me, returning the smile. Her warning me about trouble was funny, all things considered. But I didn’t have to worry about Haley when Luke was around. He was her safe space. When Haley was with Luke it was like the whole world could have fallen down on her and she wouldn’t have cared because she knew he wouldn’t let any of it touch her. It was funny how far we had come since peeking through fence slats at the new boys next door.

  I went down by the water and dipped my toes in for a few minutes. Mostly just to prove to myself that I wasn’t chasing straight after a boy. Warm salt water couldn't hold my attention for very long though and I wondered off to find him. I spotted his long, lean frame over by the picnic tables.

  There were a few people sitting while Lane stood in front of them. As I walked closer I started to notice that the whole scene was kind of off. Lane's back was to me but I could tell his posture was tense. There were two guys and a girl sitting at the table and none of them were dressed for a day at the beach. The most off putting part of it all was the way those guys were looking at my guy. One sat in front of my Lane, leaned back with his arm draped around the girl's shoulders. He was smiling. It was nothing like Lane's devil may care smirk or Lucy's impish grin. It was cold and calculating. The other guy was just staring blankly. He reminded me of an old movie henchman. In my mind I wrote him out of his baggy t-shirt and shorts and into a gray suit and black shades. I could feel the giggle building up in me until the henchman noticed me walking up. The predatory way he looked at me zapped any funny feelings I was feeling. My approach stopped the conversation and Lane turned to see who his friends had spotted. He didn't look terribly happy to see me.

  "What's up?" He asked. There was a touch of impatience in his voice. I felt my brow furrow. It wasn’t like I was some clingy girlfriend on top of him all day, I had given him plenty of space.

  "I was just coming to see what you were up to," I said, lamely.

  "I'm just talking," he said, nodding back toward the folks behind him. "I'll be back over there in a little bit."

  He was dismissing me. If it wasn't clear by his words and the tone of his voice his expectant
nod back toward the way I came from made it crystal clear. I didn't move. I just blink in shock.

  "Bye," he prodded.

  Confusion quickly gave way to hurt and anger.

  "Whatever," I huffed and turned on my heel. I didn't know what the fuck just happened but I was not happy about it. At all.

  I stormed back over to where our towels and blankets were laid out on the sand. Luke and Haley were still dry humping and the other duo was still MIA. I made a big noisy show of getting a beer out of the cooler.

  "Baby-doll!" Luke said, with a grin, finally pulling his mouth off my friend. "We were just about to come find you. Can you watch the stuff for a while? We need to go to the Jeep."

  I found myself huffing for the second time in five minutes.

  "If you mind we could just stay…" Haley piped in.

  I shook my head. I realized there was no need to take my relationship issues out on innocent by-standers. I shrugged Haley off, dismissively.

  "I've got it," I said, then I reached over and pulled Luke's Ipod off of the player. I tossed it over to them. I wasn’t in the mood for make out music. "Take that shit with you."

  "Are you sure, Baby-doll?" Haley asked. She could tell something was up with me but Luke was busy trying to pull her away. Nothing was ever quite as insistent as a teenaged boy's hard-on.

  "Go," I told my friend, busying myself situating my Ipod on the player. "I'm cool."

  Paramore came blaring out of the speakers. My friend gave me one more concerned look but allowed herself to be pulled away. The Campbell boys were nothing if not persuasive. As much as I was appreciative of her concern it wasn’t like I could have poured my heart out, anyway. I had put away a couple more beers and I was singing along with my music when Lane walked up.

  "You'd look good as a red head," he said, sitting down next to me. He was referring to the lead singer’s hair. He knew she was my favorite.

  I hated the little part of me that wanted to run out and buy fire engine red hair dye. Luckily, the bigger, smarter part of my brain wanted to maim the boy sitting next to me. I ignored him and took another drink of my beer.

  "Bailey," he said.

  I took another drink.

  "Baby-doll, come on. Talk to me," he said.

  I looked at him pointedly and sipped my beer without speaking. I turned the music up just a touch and started belting out the words to Crushcrushcrush. I felt like angry chick music was perfect for the way I was feeling at that moment. He snapped the player off between lies and spies.

  "Fuck, what?" I finally demand. "You sure as shit didn't want to talk to me earlier."

  His hand went into his hair, his most telling exasperated tick.

  "Baby-doll, those guys -"

  "Let me guess they’re some scary bad guys you had to protect me from," I cut him off. "You think I'm so stupid and so naïve. I'm not, Lane. I know they're your criminal friends from whatever criminal shit you do."

  He was taken aback by my tirade. He was shocked that I would put it all out there like that. It felt good to see that look on his face. I thought maybe he needed to be shocked a little. Just to prove to him that I could do it.

  "They're dangerous, Bailey," he said, quietly.

  I snorted laughter.

  "No shit. Those guys are fucking walking stereotypes," I jeered.

  "So, clearly I didn't want you around them," he said. His tone was just a little snarky.

  "Clearly," I mimicked, and took another drink.

  "Damn it, Bailey," he cursed, his frustration rising.

  "Damn it, Lane," I snapped back. "Your bullshit is getting everywhere. We couldn't even have a day at the beach without it spilling over."

  "It's not like we were having a day anyway," he snapped back. "I'm your still dirty little fucking secret. You weren’t gonna hold my hand while we stroll up the beach. You've got to make sure we stay a secret from everyone. Don't want to get in trouble with Daddy."

  "Really?" I was at full scale blow up. "You want me to just walk you in my front door. Hey, Dad, you remember Lane, you know the guy you told me to stay away from. Yeah, he's still stealing cars but he's really sweet to me when he sneaks in my window. Oh, yeah, he lives right next door to Haley and he's Lucy's brother but I wouldn't ever sneak to see him when I'm with them. Sure that'll go over really fucking well."

  "Then what the fuck is the point Bailey? If you’re never going to give this a fighting chance then why are we doing this?" He asked. He wasn’t loud anymore. He wasn’t even looking at me anymore. He was looking out at the water.

  "I don't know," I said, quietly.

  All my fight was gone as quickly as it had amped up and I was tired of the whole scene. I wanted to say it was about all him. If he would just straighten up and stop being a criminal I would have walked him right in the house and told my dad that we're together no matter what. But I didn't really know that I would have. In my heart, I didn't want to disappoint my Dad. I didn't want to be in trouble. I kind of wished I could just be a little kid again and not worry about complicated boys that made my heart twist up and friends who lived on the edge and dads who worried so much. But I didn’t know how to explain all of that so I just sat and didn't say anything.

  "We should get an apartment after we graduate," he said, softly.

  And that was just how it was with us. No resolution. I looked over and my favorite shade of blue-gray was staring back at me in the almost faded summer light. I let him take me off to never land.

  "But it had to be a place that accepts cats," I agreed. "I won't leave Shakes."

  "Sure," he said. His hand covered mine.

  "We'll have to get a king sized bed so there's room for all three of us," I said.

  "He can't sleep in a cat bed?" Lane asked, rubbing small circles on the back of my hand with his thumb.

  "Pffftttt, yeah, that’s gonna work,” I said, rolling my eyes. Lane knew my cat slept right next to my head every single night.

  "That cat is spoiled," he said, shaking his head with a chuckle.

  "Well, if someone didn't bring him treats all the time," I said, with a pointed look.

  Lane smirked.

  "We need a place with a balcony," he said.

  "Yeah?" I asked. His soft touch was mellowing me almost like a snake charmer playing a flute. He always did that to me. He knew it.

  "Yeah," he said, leaning close and ghosting his lips over my neck. His mouth moved close to my ear. "So I could take you out there in the middle of the night and bend you over the railing."

  Hot blush flooded my face at his dirty words but I smiled too. I love knowing he wanted me.

  "What if someone sees us?" I whispered. I was talking about our play pretend future balcony but I was also talking about that moment as we sat so close in full view of anyone who cared to pay attention.

  "I don't give a fuck," He said. He was all cocky bad boy. It made my heart pound.

  I hopped up with a grin and wiggled out of the tank dress I had been wearing over my swimsuit. His eyes ate up every inch of my exposed skin until I tossed the dress in his face and ran for the water. His naughty words made me want to do something crazy. He followed right behind me across the sand. I led him out as far as I could. Past the last of the water stragglers. When we were just far enough I pulled him to me. I let the water hold my weight and wrapped my legs around him.

  "Wild girl," he murmured.

  "You made me this way," I told him. And I kissed him.

  Then it was all tongues and lips and teeth and bodies rocking with the pull of the water. I wanted him. I wanted crazy and wild. I wanted to not care about anything. I wanted to be with him right then and there. So I slipped my hand into his board shorts. He was hard just like I thought he would be.

  "Baby-doll," he sounded like he was going to try and be cautious and warn me off. I ignored his words. It only took one little motion to push my bottoms to the side. Despite his reserve we both pushed at the same time. I sucked in a breath and he groaned. "Jesus Ch
rist."

  "Anyone could notice," I whispered in his ear. His chest rumbled and his hips rocked in and out. I felt higher than I ever had with any smoke or any booze.

  "I told you I don't give a fuck," Lane growled. He put his head on my shoulder and held me so tight with one strong arm around my waist. The other hand he moved down to where we were joined. He found the little spot that made me shiver and shake and pressed with his thumb. The stars I saw weren’t the ones dotting the darkening sky. "Feel good, Baby-doll."

  I couldn't hold on long with him touching me like that. When the tremble blasted though me so hard I went limp he pumped his hips faster shooting for the same feeling. I knew he found his when his hold got so tight it almost hurt. I loved every second of it. And then we just floated there.

  * * *

  Chapter 22

  * * *

  "Shit," I heard Lane mutter from behind me and his hands that had ghosting over my hips as we made our way back to shore fell away. Before I could turn to ask what was wrong I saw the petite figure in front of me and I knew.

  Lucy was standing there. Watching. Waiting.

  "Shit," I echoed.

  "What the fuck?" she spit when we were close enough for words.

  "Lucy - " I started.

  "I can’t fucking believe this shit! I can’t fucking believe you!" she yelled, and I wondered briefly who she was more pissed at.

  "Lucy - " this time Lane gave it a go only to be shut down as well.

  "Fuck you! You spoiled, slutty prick! You couldn't not fuck my best friend?" she continued to yell, glaring at her brother.

  It was the name calling that sparked angry fire in my stomach to go along with the shame waves.

  "It's not like that, Lucy," I told her firmly.

  "Not like what? Not like you didn't just have sex with my brother in front of the whole freaking world?" she snapped.

  "Lucy, that’s enough, baby," Gavin, who is kind of monitoring the whole thing from behind his girl, took his crack at getting her to simmer down.

  "Yeah, enough bullshit," she charged on. "How long has this been going on?"