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steps that could help you achieve your goal if you did, in fact,
have the necessary discipline. To reach the office on time, would
you turn off the TV and go to bed earlier? Lay out your clothes
the night before? Fill up your gas tank during the weekend?
3) Choose discipline. Once you have a detailed vision of how you
would act if you did have the discipline, start choosing to act
like that. The opportunities to practice will take the form of a
series of small decisions, like whether or not to turn off the TV
at bedtime even if something good is on. Each time you meet
the challenge of choosing self-discipline, you’ll be exercising your
self-control muscles.
4) Write it down. Keeping some form of log or diary is tremendously
reinforcing and can help you to gradual y build your self-control.
Once you’ve identified the decisions that will help you get to work
on time, keep track of how often you make the right choice.
5) Reject excuses. When you’re trying to practice discipline, there’s a danger you’ll be defeated by the voices in your head. Notice
when you’re tempted by internal arguments such as, “I’m too
tired to get organized tonight.” Simply by becoming aware of
how you rationalize will help you to grapple with temptation and
keep you moving toward your goal.
6) Encourage yourself. Make a list of the excuses that typically
prevent you from acting like a disciplined person. Then, for each
one on your list design a positive phrase to help you get past that
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excuse. For example, if your inner voice says “I don’t have the
energy,” tell yourself, “I’ll have more energy tomorrow if I get to
work on time.”
7) Remove temptation. It’s so much easier to be disciplined when
your temptations are out of sight. If late night TV is what’s
keeping you from getting a good night’s sleep, can you move
the screen out of your bedroom? Or hide the remote in another
room?
8) Acknowledge the difficulty. Supervising your own behav-
ior can be exhausting. In other words, we can exercise self-
discipline only so much and for only so long, and then
we’re too tired to do more. So when you’re trying to change, rec-
ognize the challenge and build your muscle in small increments.
9) Reduce the pain by creating habits. When you’re working on a
new behavior, the first few days are the toughest. But repetition
quickly makes it easier. You start going to bed on time with-
out having to agonize about it. As your new nighttime ritual
becomes a habit, choosing it won’t be so tiring. Soon you will free
up your reserve of self-control for another challenge. So after you
start getting to work on time, you might turn your attention to
something else, like working on your “to-do” list.
10) Reward yourself. Positive reinforcement works. Support your
change process by finding little ways to reward yourself when
you do well.
As you move through the plan, play with the process. See what works
for you. Treat setbacks as learning opportunities. Building self-discipline can become a game, with moments of fun and victory parties along the way.
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How and why to
keep smiling
there still are scientists who claim that humans are the only animals who
can smile. I don’t believe that.
Daisy, our yellow lab, has a killer smile. As she establishes eye contact, her mouth drops open and the corners turn up, wider and wider. When she gives
my husband, Andy Alexander, her love gaze, his big grin mimics hers. The
two of them may briefly freeze like that, with locked eyes and happy faces.
At other times, Daisy’s smile overtakes her body and—still looking Andy
straight in the eye—she gyrates with pleasure, from her wagging tail and
wriggling butt to her vibrating shoulders.
I’ve noticed that simply by describing a Daisy smile, I can trigger an
intense answering smile on Andy’s face. Because he frequently travels, on
occasion I’ll describe her smile as we chat on the phone. In my mind’s eye, I see his face light up at just the thought of Daisy’s happy look.
Although there’s disagreement about the validity of canine smiles, it’s
widely known that the human smile is contagious. Dale Carnegie wrote
about that back in 1936 in his immensely popular book How to Win Friends
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& Influence People. In its section on “Six Ways to Make People Like You,”
Principle 2 was just one word: “Smile.”
Carnegie said, your smile “is a messenger of your goodwill” and a simple
way to make a good impression. He advised readers to smile even when they
don’t feel like it, because action and feeling go together. If you smile you’ll feel happier, and those around you may as well.
Reasons why smiling is still a good strategy
In the roughly 80 years since Carnegie drafted Principle 2, psychologists
and other scientists have undertaken countless studies of the human smile.
It seems that the phenomenon is more complicated than Carnegie suggested.
For one thing, your smile and the message it carries are shaped partly by
your culture. For example, in the American South people smile more often,
and to stone-faced Northeasterners, their friendly demeanors may come across
as fake. Also, immediate circumstances can shift the way your expression is
interpreted. Normally your smile is positive for the person who receives it. But if you walk around with a big grin after you get the plum assignment, it might get under your office rival’s skin.
Despite the complexities, however, modern research affirms that “Smile!”
is often excellent career advice. Here are some why’s and how’s of smiling:
→ It’s healthy and feels good. Smiling can increase the release of
endorphins and other mood-enhancing hormones. It can calm
your heart rate and blood pressure, contribute to a heightened
sense of well-being, and lead to improved health. Smiling can
help you release tension and work-related stress with an impact
so profound you may experience it at a cellular level.
→ You’ll look good. When you smile, there’s a better chance
other people will perceive you as competent, attractive, likable,
and memorable. They are also more likely to find you approach-
able and see you as trustworthy. And they’ll think you look
younger. On top of all that, the odds are better that they’ll
remember you the next time you meet.
→ It’s contagious. We are hardwired to mirror each other’s happy
looks. When you smile at colleagues or clients, they may auto-
matically return your expression. More importantly, as you
exchange smiles with another person, the two of you connect in
How and why to keep smiling
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a more fundamental way. They actually experience the positiv-
ity underlying your smile and, as a result, could be more satis-
fied with your conversation.
→ It spreads. If your smile makes a team member feel good, his
; mood will improve and he’ll be more likely to smile at the
next face he sees. The wave of good feeling can become viral,
moving from one person to another. The culture of your whole
team can be improved by the addition of just one member who
often smiles.
→ Even fakes work. The most powerful smiles are genuine, ema-
nating from deep within you. But social smiles—those that
require some effort on your part—are effective as well. And
they can start a virtuous cycle. If you struggle to smile, but then
I smile back, you will respond to my facial expression. Soon
your tentative smile can become heartfelt.
→ You can get better at it. The more you practice a positive
expression, the more likely it is that you’ll experience spontane-
ous smiles. The trick is to start your smile from the inside, by
thinking about something that makes you feel good. Simple
techniques include summoning up the image of a loved one, or
remembering a particularly happy event.
If you smile more regularly, your new habit can retrain your brain to see
the world in optimistic ways. The more you smile, the more you’ll escape the
natural tendency of humans to focus on threats and other negativity. Your
shift to thinking positively might boost your creativity and help you to be
more productive.
An excellent way to support the habit of smiling more often is to con-
sciously begin each morning with a smile. When you first wake up, summon
up a happy thought and practice your best grin. Then your smiles may come
more easily for the rest of the day.
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the real meaning of
“networking” may
surprise You
while working with clients, I’ve often wished for another word for
“networking.” Too often, the term seems to suggest a disingenuous
glad-hander, talking too much and passing out business cards to uninterested
bystanders.
That’s the image that seemed to hit Jack* when we spoke about ways he
could lay the groundwork for a job transition. When I mentioned the benefits
of expanding his network, Jack grimaced and said, “I don’t believe in that
kind of thing. I’ve already got some real friends, and I’m not going to go to boring industry events just so I can try to make some fake ones.”
your “network” is a vital, lifelong resource
Your “network” is a complex pattern of interconnecting relationships with
other people. You might visualize it as a series of concentric circles, spreading out from you like a spider’s web:
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the real meaning of “networking” may surprise You
53
→ Circle #1: In this innermost ring are your best friends and clos-
est family. Many people, particularly introverts, prefer to spend
much of their time here. But even dear friends move away or
change directions. So one reason to stay engaged with other
circles is to recruit additional folks to join you here with your
home tribe.
→ Circle #2: Beyond your core group are newer friends, as well as
people you’ve known for a long time but don’t see so regularly.
Here you might include coworkers, neighbors, and friends of
close friends. If you don’t make an effort to stay in touch, it is
all too easy for members of this crowd to drift out of your orbit.
→ Circle #3: This large group could include dozens, hundreds,
or even thousands of acquaintances from through the years.
Among them are kids you went to school with, coworkers
whose faces look familiar in the corridors, the members of your
yoga class, and neighbors you wave to when you’re out walk-
ing. They might also include people you’ve never actually seen,
like your social media buddies, or colleagues with offices on the
other side of the world. When you start thinking about Circle
#3, you might find it to be a rich source of professional contacts
with whom you’re seldom in touch, but could be.
→ Circle #4: Your network expands considerably when you
include people with whom you simply share a community.
Maybe you’ve never met them, but you certainly could, because
you hang out in the same places, belong to the same organiza-
tions, went to the same college, or work in the same field. You
have something in common with each of these people, regard-
less of whether you’ve met or not.
Each of your Circles has a special role to play. For example, when you’re
seeking clients or a new job, you might wish to focus your efforts on #3. That’s because the folks in #1 and #2 hear much the same news you do. Even if you’re not on a job hunt, Circle #3 can be a source of support. Leadership can be
lonely, and approaching your work with a spirit of self-determination can be
isolating, but you’ll feel less alone if you connect with your professional peers.
It’s hard to overestimate the value of all these various relationships in your career and your life. In all four of your Circles you can find people who will give you advice when you need it, and join the party when there’s something
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to celebrate. They are a source of career intelligence and many will reach out to help, even though they don’t yet know you well.
So networking is not about superficial glad-handing. It means expanding
your web of connection, thinking about other people, and caring for human
relationships with the potential to support you in every phase of your life. And it isn’t something you do in a panic, when it’s time to shift jobs. You can build networking into your normal life.
Don’t wait until a crisis to care for your network
When Jack* asked me to coach him in preparation for a job change, I knew
he needed to discover how his social network could help. As things turned
out, it did take Jack a while to build the momentum for his search. And then, unexpectedly, he decided to stay where he was, because his employer restructured his role.
Although he no longer was working toward a career shift, Jack elected to
keep building his Circles anyway. He had come to understand how hard it is
to overcome a neglected network. And, to his surprise, he’d found networking
to be fun. Jack became active in an industry organization and joined a hiking club. Most importantly, he made the effort to develop deeper relationships
with a number of colleagues and neighbors.
On the other end of the spectrum was Paul*, who spoke fondly of his
network and seemed to treat it like a living creature. I knew that, without my prompting, Paul would open his job hunt by working his expansive Circles.
He was well prepared because he’d spent years not only meeting more peo-
ple, but also building on the many relationships he already had in place.
As Paul understood, there are two important ways to tend to your network:
1) Keep it growing. Collecting more contacts is what people often
mean when they speak of “networking.” To count, this requires
forging a small connection with another person. It’s not enough
to just hand your business card to strangers. You have to look
them in the eye, find something in common, and perhaps make
it into their address book.
2) Build on what you
have. Networking isn’t just about encoun-
tering new people. Also important is staying connected with the
ones you already know. Because my savvy client Paul understood
this, he could rely upon a valuable resource for his career quest.
the real meaning of “networking” may surprise You
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A naturally kind guy, Paul’s routine style was to mentor young
colleagues, reach out to people feeling left out, and set up lunches
with old friends who acted too busy to plan for staying in touch.
Paul was always willing to help, and so, when he needed help, he
had a long list of professional contacts who were happy to return
the favor.
Building and caring for relationships isn’t something you can do in a
rush. It’s a gradual process that you can actually enjoy as you fold it into
your regular life. And if you keep up the cadence of your networking, you’re
unlikely to find yourself alone in a crisis.
Try these ways to nurture your network
In a political, career-focused city like Washington, watching the many styles of successful networkers can be fascinating. Some of the more conspicuous are born extroverts, thriving in a crowd and always eager for the next party. And some of the more successful are people who have been described as introverts—
like Barack Obama, Hil ary Clinton, and Laura Bush—whose wel -planned
social outreach helps them create resilient support systems.
If you want to become a more adept networker, test a variety of
techniques and find ones that are comfortable and effective for you.
To get started, try these strategies for developing new contacts and deep-
ening existing relationships:
1) Be helpful. The essence of networking is exchanging help and
support with other people. In a brief meeting, you might simply
offer a smile or a kind word to another person. A key principle
is to remain alert to small, easy opportunities to add value. Try
these ways of being helpful to the people you know:
◆
Make matches. Become known as a “connector” by
matching needs and resources and making helpful intro-
ductions. Perhaps you meet someone who is moving to a new
city and you have a friend who has lived there forever and is