In Her Words (A St. Skin Novel): a bad boy new adult romance novel

by London Casey

  That’s how it was supposed to be.

  “What are you smiling about?” Diem asked me.

  “All of this,” I said. “It just feels right, doesn’t it?”

  “You just like having a woman in your room in a towel.”

  I stood up and walked to her. I slipped a hand around her body and pulled her close to me. “You know, this could be your room too.”

  Diem looked surprised but hid it with a weak smile. “How many women have you said that to?”

  “No,” I said. “Judge me all you want but I never bring women back here. This is my home. Well, now it’s my home. Because you’re here. Paisley is here.”

  “Cass—”

  “This was just a house for such a long time, darlin’,” I said. “I always took shit for why I bought it. Maybe somewhere inside me I have that instinct.”

  “That instinct?”

  “The parent instinct. Like you have. You just know things before they happen. Maybe that’s why I bought this house.”

  “Cass, that’s really sweet,” she said. “You’re suggesting I move in here? Pack up Paisley’s life and move?”

  “I’m offering it,” I said. “That’s all. Something to think about. I don’t mind driving. I don’t like it though. I don’t like not having that twenty-four-seven feeling with my daughter.”

  “But it has to be me to move?”

  “No,” I said. “Say the word, darlin’. I’ll put a for sale sign in the yard and I’m out.”

  “What about St. Skin?”

  “I can work one or two days a week there. Figure out something else.”

  “You would do that for Paisley?”

  “No,” I said. I touched her chin. “I would do that for her and you. Diem, I don’t know what you think this is. For me …”

  “Cass, I have to ask you something.”

  “Ask away.”

  “Beth.”

  One name and I broke away from her. I felt the wind get ripped from my chest.

  “I’m just curious,” Diem said. “Everything about you—”

  “Gonzo,” I said.

  “Yeah. He said some things. You got so paranoid about my car. It was just an oil change.”

  I sucked in a breath and sat down on the bed again. “Okay, fine. You win, Diem.”

  “I win what?”

  I looked at her. “The women I’ve cared about I’ve never been able to save. And now I have two more in my life and I’m desperate. Finding out I had a daughter was terrifying. Fucking terrifying, Diem. I have zero experience as a good father. I have no idea how to approach you without hurting you. You’re that little girl’s mother, dammit. But let’s go back then. Dig into me.”

  “Cass, I don’t want you upset,” Diem said.

  “I’m not upset. Look at Scarlett. Okay? I met this woman at a show. Had a great time. The truth? I never intended that to be a one night stand. I never thought she would get pregnant. She took that half page of lyrics and disappeared. Then I find out not only did she have a baby—my baby—she was killed in a car accident. A drunk driver hit her, right?”

  Diem slowly nodded.

  “Right,” I said. “And you’re left holding the bag. My bag, darlin’. My responsibility. My life.” Diem went to say something but I put a hand up. “Hold on. Go back to Beth. My first love. We all have one. She was a party girl. Loved to drink. Got her license and loved to drive … while drinking. I tried to stop her. I tried to save her, Diem. So many times. It almost became a chore for me. Like I was babysitting her instead of loving her. But I couldn’t let go. I couldn’t stop caring. So I stayed there and watched it happen over and over. Until the night I couldn’t stop her. And she got drunk and got into her car. The rest is history.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Diem said. She walked to the bed and stood before me. “Thank you for telling me that, Cass. It means a lot to me. And you don’t have to save me. Or Paisley. You just have to be here. Which you are.”

  I reached up and touched her body over the towel. “I want you here all the time, darlin’. I’m not just saying that.”

  My fingers crept up the towel and I pulled at the top. It opened with ease and there stood before me a beautiful naked woman. I slipped my hands down and cupped her breasts. My thumbs flicked over her nipples. She put her hands to my shoulders and pulled. Bringing me to her chest, wanting me. Fuck, there was nothing better in the world than that.

  I kissed her chest, slowly and lovingly, savoring the sweet taste of her clean skin. The smoothness of her breasts down to her erect nipple. My lips moved over her, my tongue flicking up and down.

  Diem let out a purring groan and that was all I could handle. I pulled my mouth away from her and used one hand to push my shorts down. No boxers and my cock was rock hard. It popped free and I wanted Diem again. I put my hands to her ass and guided her forward. I leaned back on the bed and this beautiful woman slowly straddled me. My hands touched every inch of her body.

  “Darlin’, this is as real as it gets for me,” I said. I wrapped my right hand around her back up to her neck, pulling her mouth down to mine. After a quick kiss I put my left hand to her ass, lowering her tender sex to my throbbing cock. “Feel me, Diem. Feel me forever.”

  She lowered down and I entered her.

  We kissed, only stopping so she could groan into my mouth. I held her as she rocked her perfect body against mine. Grinding, thrusting, pumping, we were together, our bodies wrapped up tight. Sweating in only minutes, doing away with the purpose of the shower we took together.

  But I didn’t care.

  I loved her riding me. I loved the feel of her breasts pressed against my chest as she moved up and down. I loved to touch her back and hips, feeling that body working hard as her pussy lifted and lowered against my hard cock.

  When she reached climax, she came down on me and stayed there, bucking her hips, biting my shoulder, groaning over and over.

  That’s when I made my move.

  I turned around, taking Diem with me, putting her on her back. Her nails clung to my back and I kept my body tight to hers. I kissed from her neck down to her breasts and back up to her mouth.

  That’s when I made love to her.

  Right there in my bed. The bed I wanted to be our bed.

  In my house.

  The house I wanted to be ours.

  I woke up to the sound of Paisley crying. Diem was still sleeping. We were both naked. I grabbed my shorts and a t-shirt and went to check on my daughter. She was wide awake and ready for a diaper change and some breakfast.

  It was a sight that could change a man’s life.

  Seeing Paisley standing in her crib, whining, and then when she saw me, she smiled ear to ear. Knowing I was her daddy. Trusting me to take care of her.

  I lifted her out of the crib, changed her diaper, and took her downstairs.

  “Well, pretty girl, we better get you some food,” I said.

  I tickled her, loving when she crunched forward and made a gurgling giggling sound. Goddamn, she was beautifully perfect.

  I made her a morning bottle and cradled her in the kitchen as she ate. Her blue eyes stared at me. It would forever be a reminder of Scarlett. The night we had. What it meant to me and what it gave me. Even with the lingering sense of tragedy all around Paisley’s young life, she was loved. She would always be loved.

  I burped Paisley and sat her in her highchair. I got her some of her baby cereal and let her have at it, to eat or make a mess.

  I set the coffeepot and cooked some eggs and bacon. I threw some toast in the toaster when I heard Diem’s soft and sweet voice wishing Paisley a good morning. Glancing over my shoulders, our eyes met and I winked at her.

  I went back to work, putting butter and jelly on the toast.

  Diem stepped up behind me and touched my back. “Good morning, Cass.”

  “Darlin’,” I said. “There’s coffee and some food.”

  “You’re spoiling me.”

  “I can have th
is ready every single morning,” I said with a grin.

  “Bribing me with parenting and food.”

  “It was good to see you sleeping,” I said. “How’d it feel?”

  “Really good,” Diem said. She grabbed a mug and poured coffee into it. “I have a couple things to take care of today.”

  “Yeah, so do I.”

  “What’s the plan with the little one?”

  “Oh, I get to decide?”

  “You tell me,” Diem teased.

  “Well … leave her with me. We could use a daddy-daughter day. Find some trouble.”

  “And St. Skin?”

  “There’s enough people there to help out. I only have two appointments. One is to finish up a half sleeve. Last bit of coloring. The other is covering up a back piece. Well, at least I’ll be starting it. Some dude got a woman’s name tattooed on his back. She bolted and now he wants something violent to cover it up.”

  “Violent?”

  “His words,” I said.

  “So you’re never going to get my name tattooed on your back?” Diem asked.

  I leaned in on her and kissed her cheek. “Only on my heart, darlin’.”

  Diem sighed. “Why do you talk like that to me?”

  “You know why,” I said.

  “Hey, you told me some really deep stuff last night,” she said. “I want to repay that.”

  “Meaning?”

  “I want to tell you what happened to my parents.”

  “Yeah, of course,” I said. “Let’s get the baby set up in the living room and sit down.”

  When I sat down, Diem sat across from me at the table. She picked at the handle of the coffee mug like it was going to break away.

  She was nervous. I could tell she hated the story.

  That meant so much more to me. Exposing herself. Offering herself.

  “Darlin’, it’s okay,” I whispered. “You don’t have to …”

  “I do,” Diem said. “I don’t know what to do with these feelings, Cass. Do I hide them? Do I embrace them? I feel like I’m always bouncing around. But that has nothing to do with my parents. My parents … they died. I was put into foster care my entire life. Well, until I was old enough to go out on my own. I worked hard, I saved all my money, and that’s why I bought my house. My home. Because I never had one. Well, I did have a home. When I was a kid. A great home, Cass. A perfect home. My own bedroom decorated the way I wanted. The upstairs was perfect. Perfect for places to hide and play. I could smell breakfast in the morning from my bedroom. It was … my house. All I knew. And then it was all taken away from me. The thing is, I was supposed to die too.”

  “What?” I asked. “How can you say that?”

  “Cass, my house caught on fire when I was twelve,” she said. “And I was saved. But only me. Someone carried me out of the house and then they were gone.”

  I stared at Diem, in shock. Not from the story but from what started to come to me. I really stared at Diem. I tried to picture her younger. Much younger. Very much younger. I knew our age was separated by five years… I squinted and tried to picture her as a twelve-year-old girl. That would have made me…

  I stood up and the chair fell back.

  I was there that night. I was the one …

  Cass

  YEARS AGO

  I smelled smoke.

  I was cutting through a patch of trees in a nice neighborhood. We used to tease people from that side of town. The middle class people who lived like they were rich. Dads who were insurance salesmen or pharmaceutical reps, pulling in close to six figures a year. Moms either had part time jobs or stayed home to drink coffee, gossip, go to yoga, and mentally have affairs with guys ten years younger.

  My plan was to cut through that part of town and hitch my ride away.

  The second I smelled smoke I had to investigate.

  I really wasn’t sure of my exact location until I broke through the tree line and saw a house on fire. Now, there weren’t flames jutting out of the windows and roof, but there was smoke billowing out of the top window. Probably an attic window or something. Either way, the damn house was on fire.

  I dropped my bag and started to run.

  Fight or flight was never a choice for me. I always fought. That’s what got me into so much trouble. I actually wasn’t even allowed to be outside past midnight. I had some legal things lingering. If I got caught out roaming the streets I’d be fucked. Ma would kill me. The cops would throw new charges at me.

  Even still, the house was on fire.

  I had to try and help.

  I went around to the back of the house and found the backdoor unlocked. The second I opened the door, I started to dash through the rooms. I feared an alarm was going to go off. Or a dog was going to chew into my leg or ass.

  When I got to the steps I could smell smoke.

  Was anyone even home?

  I went upstairs to explore. I turned to the right and opened the first door. It was a bedroom and someone was sleeping in the bed. As I approached, the person shot up, sitting there, looking around.

  It was a girl.

  Before I could say a word I heard a thud above us. It sounded like something had collapsed or was going to collapse.

  “Shit,” I whispered.

  I hurried to the bed and threw my arms around the girl. I pulled her from the bed and wrapped the blanket around her. I told her the house was on the fire and she needed to stay with me.

  I kept the blanket over her head to protect her from the smoke.

  When I exited the room I saw smoke coming down from the ceiling. There were more crackling sounds, wood burning and splintering, ready to give way.

  I had to get her out of the house first.

  I charged down the stairs and went out of the front door. I took her far away from the house and gently placed her on the ground. I stood behind her and pulled my hood up. I didn’t want her to see my face. I didn’t want her to rat me out.

  I looked at the house and took a step to go back inside.

  That’s when I heard sirens.

  Someone had called the fire department.

  I stood there, hesitating, gritting my teeth.

  I saw myself maybe saving everyone, becoming a hero, and then what? I’d get in trouble for being out. I was supposed to be on the run. To get the fuck out of the town and the state. To find my new life.

  I looked down at the girl sitting there. She was huddled up in her blanket, shaking, confused.

  I at least saved her life, right?

  The sirens got closer.

  To my left, the neighbor’s house had all their lights on.

  I looked up at the roof of the house and saw that it was starting to cave in. Flames were poking their orange fingers out.

  When it sounded like the sirens were ten feet away, I had to make a choice.

  I took off. I ran away, leaving the girl on the ground and the house on fire. I grabbed my bag and dove back into the woods. I hid there and watched as the fire trucks showed up. A group of firefighters quickly went to work, running into the burning house.

  That’s when I let out a long sigh.

  They would do their jobs. Save whoever else was in the house. Put the fire out.

  It would be okay.

  I backtracked through the woods. It took me a good hour before I emerged again and I was back in my town, near my house. My plan had gotten fucked up for sure. I suddenly had no urge to leave town. I couldn’t stop thinking about the girl I carried out of the house.

  I went back home.

  I snuck through the front door.

  Ma was on the couch, sleeping.

  I wandered upstairs and sat on my bed. I looked out the window, trying to see if I could see the fire. There was no chance. It was way too far away. And in the pitch black I wouldn’t be able to see the smoke.

  I grabbed a notebook, a pen, and a guitar. I slithered off my bed and sat there on the floor. I felt numb. I felt angry. Everything in my world was swirling and
heading in the wrong direction. It was the perfect time to write a song.

  It was the night my music career truly began.

  Diem

  NOW

  He saved me.

  I stood up and stared into Cass’s eyes. It seemed impossible. Completely and totally impossible. He was the one who appeared in my bedroom. He was the one who carried me from my burning house. He was the one who saved my life.

  “Diem,” Cass said. He had both hands to his head. “This is insane. Your parents?”

  “The roof collapsed,” I said. “That’s what happened. They were trapped. There was nothing anyone could do.”

  “I could have run back in there,” he said. “Jesus Christ, Diem. I could have gotten back in there. But I was in so much shit that when I heard the sirens I freaked out. I took off. I left you. I left your parents …”

  “No, no,” I said. I felt the tears in my eyes. “You can’t blame yourself. Stop. I’ve spent my life blaming myself over it. Because I survived.”

  “It is my fault,” Cass said. “I saved you. You had to go through a life that wasn’t great. You got sucked into Scarlett’s world. And now this…”

  I let out a much needed cry. I turned my head, biting my lip.

  “Cass—please—don’t turn it on yourself.”

  He charged around the table and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Darlin’, I let you down. Years ago.”

  “Don’t do it again then,” I said. “We’re here right now. I love that little girl in there, Cass. You showed me it’s okay to love her. You showed me it’s okay to be her mother. You saved me from that fire so I could become Paisley’s mother. So she doesn’t have to live like I did. House to house. Family to family. Never knowing what a home was.”

  Cass put his arms around me and pulled me close.

  That’s when I lost it.

  I was finally able to cry. To feel free. To completely lose my emotions. And I had someone who understood what it felt like. Someone who could hold me and comfort me. My memories kept flooding back to that night. The dinner we ate. The last words my parents said to me. Sleeping. Waking to the smell of smoke. The confusion. The hero carrying me to safety. The firefighters.