Complicate Me

by M. Robinson

  I didn’t move. I didn’t say anything. I just sort of stood there and watched him, trying to accept his sincere apology that sounded more like words than anything else. When he realized he wasn’t getting what he needed out of me, he stepped forward and I instinctively stepped back.

  He bowed his head with understanding. “I wish I could tell you why I did it, but I don’t know the answer to that,” he sort of mumbled. I saw his chest puff out as he sucked in a big breath of air, almost like it was the first time he started to breathe again.

  “Yes, I do. I’m lying. I don’t want to lie to you anymore.” He took a few more deep breaths and then lifted his sorrowful eyes to me. If I wasn’t so pissed at him, I probably would have felt sorry for him.

  “I like you a lot, that can’t be a surprise to you. I tell you all the time. You don’t really talk about Lucas, but I see the way you look at him. You look at him the way I look at you. I see it all the time.” He shrugged, appearing defeated. “I snapped. I hate that he has you and I don’t. I hate that he treats you the way he does and you’re still there for him. I hate that I don’t ever know where we stand. And I hate more than ever that we may never have a chance to find out what this thing between us could be.”

  Silence.

  “Darlin’, I’m sorry. It got out of hand. One thing led to another and accelerated at warp speed. Before I knew it he was jumping off his board and into the ocean. I feel awful, but there’s nothing I can do to change what’s been done. All I can do is apologize to you, and hope you believe me. I would never want to hurt you, and I know somewhere deep inside. You know that.”

  More silence.

  He sighed and his shoulders slumped forward. “I know you feel something for me, but you won’t give into it. Part of me understands and then another huge part of me doesn’t. What do I need to do? I’ll do anything.”

  My expression hardened. “Stay away from me, Cole.”

  He violently shook his head, stepping toward me again, except this time I didn’t step back.

  “You don’t mean that. You’re mad at me and I completely deserve it, but you don’t mean that.”

  I willed myself to breathe because my heart raced so profusely. It resonated in my temples. “I need some space from both of you. You need to respect that.”

  “For how long?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “It does to me.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest in hopes that it would make me appear more confident. I sure as hell didn’t feel it. Every fiber in my body seemed tense and clenched, it was hard to feel anything other than the pain they both caused me.

  “I’m so fucking sorry. Please believe me,” he bellowed as if he could read my mind. His eyes gleamed and his lips shook as he said it.

  I could feel my resolve breaking. “You hurt me,” I simply stated, trying to remain strong.

  He winced and shut his eyes. “I know.”

  “How can I trust you to not do it again?” As soon as the words left my mouth my heart sped up, anticipating his response.

  “I can’t promise you that I won’t fuck up again. I’m not perfect and I’m not going to lie to you by saying I am.”

  I didn’t have much time to appreciate his words because my attention turned to Lucas’s mom who walked behind the two paramedics supporting Lucas, one on each side of him. I’m sure he refused to be placed on a stretcher.

  He frowned when he saw me. I could physically feel the anguish radiating off of him and onto me. Our connection had always been like that. Unlike Cole who had to tell me his regret and remorse, I could actually sense Lucas’s.

  It was a part of me.

  We were a part of each other.

  As much as it confused and overwhelmed me, it provided the comfort that I needed at that moment. His soft baby blue eyes were calm, his hurricane once again sedated. I nervously shuffled around, the mere presence of him causing me to feel everything that I desperately tried to hide.

  The boys were staring at us.

  Everyone was staring at us.

  While I stared at the center of my existence and vice versa, stirring open wounds that would take years to heal, for both of us.

  I wish I could tell you things changed after this.

  They didn’t.

  This was the beginning of the end for us. Except it wouldn’t be Lucas’s fault.

  It would be mine.

  “Mom, I told you I’m sorry! How many times do I have to repeat it?”

  “Boy, do NOT raise your voice to me.”

  I bowed my head. “Yes, ma’am.”

  “How many times do I have to cover for you, Lucas? I had to lie to your father, again,” she emphasized.

  This was the first time she had spoken to me in three days. She barely said a word to me on our way to the hospital. Sixty stitches later and a laceration diagnosis, my foot was pretty much fucked. I had crutches that I’ve barely used because I haven’t moved from the spot on my bed. The pain has been almost unbearable, but the painkillers had helped. I hated taking them. They made me pass out and when I fought it, I was fucked up, literally.

  I had to change the bandage once a day and I couldn’t put any pressure on it for a few weeks, not that it mattered because I was on lockdown until the end of the summer. Mom didn’t tell my dad what happened, she just told him that I got tossed off my board and my foot slammed into a rock. He gave me a lecture that I swear lasted five hours, but it didn’t matter. I was so fucked up on pain medication that I felt like I watched a cartoon in live action. My mom said she hadn’t told my dad the truth because she didn’t want him to worry about another thing.

  I’m not sure what that meant, but I went with it nonetheless.

  We always had a special bond. She hid things from my dad several times over the years. This wasn’t the first time, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be the last. After I explained to her what really happened between Cole and me, and why I got injured in the first place. She stopped talking to me. I apologized profusely every time she changed my bandages on my foot, which only seemed to infuriate her more. She could barely even look at me when she changed them.

  She brought me food, medicine, and water. Again, barely regarding me. I wouldn’t say she had been mean to me, but she sure as shit didn’t baby me like I assumed she would.

  “If you weren’t so careless and competing with Cole, you wouldn’t have anything to apologize for, Lucas.”

  I sighed, annoyed. “I’m aware of that, Mom, thank you so much for reminding me.”

  Her eyes immediately went wide, clenching her jaw.

  “I’m sorry,” I instinctively blurted.

  Her expression softened as she sat down beside me on the couch. Being in the same position on my bed for the last three days started to depress me. She said she would help me into the living room but not before she ordered me to shower. She said I smelled like shit and that’s a lot coming from my mom who barely ever cursed to begin with. I argued with her that I didn’t need her help, she rolled her eyes at me. Ignoring my plea, she placed a bench in the shower, so I could sit down and not have to worry about putting pressure on my foot or getting it wet.

  I kept my boxers on the entire time while she washed me. When she tried to reach into my boxers to wash me there, I refused. She claimed it wasn’t anything she hadn’t seen before, reminding me that she used to change my diapers. I was a grown ass boy now and that wasn’t happening. She sighed, shook her head and turned her back, as I washed my own cock and balls. Then she helped me out of the shower, and into my bedroom. It took me about an hour to try to take off my wet boxers and put on new ones. Again, she tried to assist me and once again I had to remind her I wasn’t five anymore. She got bored of waiting and left me alone until I was done. I hollered for her to come back to help me get dressed the rest of the way.

  It was a mission to say the least.

  “What on earth possessed you to do something so dangerous, Lucas? Do you have any idea how much worse th
is could have been? You could have been paralyzed! You could have died, ugh! Every time I think about what that boy provoked you to do, it makes me want to call his parents to give them an earful.”

  I lay back against the pillow, my pain pill finally kicking in.

  “Lucas! Are you listening to me?”

  “Mmm hmm,” I mumbled, glancing at her to prove it.

  “Why won’t you let me call his parents? It’s not fair that you’re the only one suffering for what he provoked.”

  “I know.”

  “No, you don’t. Or else you would let me call them,” she justified, folding one arm over the other on her chest.

  “It’s pointless. It’s done.”

  “If you say so. Have you talked to Alex?”

  “You know I haven’t.”

  She wearingly smiled. “She’ll come around.”

  “I don’t know about that one.”

  She caressed the side of my face. “Honey, all of this is hard for her, too. You are both so young and I hate to say this, but it might be better like this. At least for a little while.”

  I pulled away from her hand. “Why does everyone keep saying that?”

  “Lucas,” she warned, hostility evident in her tone.

  “I’m serious. I’m not a kid anymore.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me.

  “Alright.” I nodded. “I’m still stupid, but I’m not a kid. I’ll be eighteen in a few weeks and she’ll be sixteen. Don’t you think we’re old enough to choose what’s right for us?”

  She adamantly shook her head. “No. I don’t. I’m sorry, Lucas.”

  I bowed my head, defeated. She gripped my chin with her thumb and index fingers making me look at her.

  “You have so much more life to live. This is your last year of high school. Alex still has two more years after you’re done. Do you think it would be fair to her for you to start something and then leave? Do you think it’s fair that either of you would have to base your decisions on one another? You should be able to do whatever you want before you settle down, with anyone,” she added, causing me to flinch.

  “I have nothing against Alex. I love her like she was my own. If you two end up together, then I would be the happiest mom in the world. I just want you to be sure. Both of us do.”

  I knew she spoke about Alex’s mom. I didn’t have to ask whom she referred to.

  “Trust me. Resentment can ruin the strongest relationships and I would hate for that to happen to the two of you just because you jumped into something so young before either of you got to experience all of what life has to offer. Do you understand?”

  No.

  But I nodded anyway.

  I sensed she knew I lied, so I gave her a half-ass smile in hopes the conversation would be over. Lily walked into the room, announcing that she was hungry. Mom got off the couch to go make us some lunch and I closed my eyes.

  Lily slapped me on the chest.

  “Ow!” I opened my eyes, placing my hand on the spot she hit. “What was that for?”

  “You’re an idiot,” she simply stated.

  “Why?”

  “You know why…”

  I cocked my head to the side. “Can you stop speaking in code? I obviously don’t.”

  She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “I know you love her and I know she loves you, too.”

  I sat there dumbfounded, staring at my eleven-year-old baby sister. For the first time she appeared much older than she truly was, instantly reminding me of Alex at her age.

  “Lily, you’re too wise for your years.”

  She proudly smiled. “Duh.”

  I laughed.

  “I don’t like Cole. He looks too much like Ken and I’m pretty sure Ken’s gay. Alex doesn’t really look like Barbie. She needs someone that looks like G.I. Joe. You kinda look like him, so that matches better.”

  And out goes the older theory.

  “That made absolutely no sense.”

  She punched me again.

  “Stop hitting me!”

  “Then you shouldn’t have taught me to hit.”

  “Oh my God, Lily, you need to go away. You remind me too much of Alex and I really can’t think about her right now.”

  “That’s because you’re a dumb boy. If you would just tell her you loved her and wanted to be with her then… voilà,” she exclaimed with her hands out in the air. “Problem fixed.”

  “There’s way more to it than that, kid.”

  “Nah uh. Love is easy. It’s you that’s making it hard.”

  There were times like these where I wished I had her optimism. She had always been like that. Ever since I could remember, my baby sister looked at the glass half full, rather than half empty.

  “One day I’m going to fall in love and he’s going to love me fearlessly. He’s going to protect me and fight for me. He won’t care about what anyone thinks, because he’s not a dummy like you are. We’re going to be happy because all you need is love. You should really learn that, Lucas.” She shrugged. “Just sayin’.”

  I chuckled. “I really hope that, Lily, if he’s not then I’m going to kick his fucking ass.”

  Her eyes widened and she giggled with her hand over her mouth at my crass words.

  “Now, go away. I want to take a nap.”

  She obliged and kissed my forehead.

  I closed my eyes and tried to let slumber take me over.

  When it did.

  I dreamed of her.

  It had been three weeks since Lucas’s accident and I still hadn’t said a word to him. I knew how he was because Lily kept me updated. School started in a few short weeks, so I drowned myself in work and told my parents to give me extra shifts at the restaurant. Cole came by every day. He surfed, ate lunch and often waited till my shift was over just to be able to talk to me for a few minutes before I went home.

  I was still pissed at him but each day it became less and less, toward both of them.

  “There’s a new movie playing at the theater,” Cole commented while I cleaned up his table.

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah. I thought maybe you’d want to go watch it with me? What do you say?”

  “I’m kinda tired, Cole. My feet are killing me, and all I really want to do is take a bath and watch TV.”

  He nodded, understanding. “I could go rent a movie and we could watch it, together.”

  I peered up at him through my lashes. He had one of those grins again, the one with his dimples smugly on display.

  “You’re never going to give up, are you?” I teasingly asked.

  “Not in my nature.”

  “I don’t know, Cole.”

  “It’s just a movie. I’ll sit on another couch, you won’t even have to touch me, look at me, or talk to me.”

  I laughed. “Then what’s the point?”

  “To be near you.”

  I laughed again. “Still saying all the right things, I see.”

  “You got me on one of my good days.”

  I cocked my head to the side and placed my hand on my hip. “Do you ever have a bad one?”

  “Everyday these last three weeks has been a bad day.”

  I instinctively stepped back, putting some space between us. “I just don’t think I’m ready for all that. I’m sorry.”

  “I deserve it. I leave in two weeks, and I’d love to spend more time with you before I go.”

  “You’ll be back,” I reasoned.

  “I will, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you before I go.”

  “Maybe,” I breathed out, not giving in but not declining either. “Okay?”

  He nodded as he stood. I think he wanted to leave before I changed my mind.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said.

  I watched him leave and then made my way toward the boys and Aubrey.

  “Anything else before I clock out?” I asked them.

  “You look tired, Half-Pint,” Jacob noticed. He was never one to hold b
ack what he thought.

  “I am tired. It’s been a long day.”

  “Is that the only reason?” Dylan chimed in and my eyes immediately shifted to Aubrey. Who looked as nervous as I appeared.

  “Would there be another one?” I challenged, needing to hear his response to my question.

  “You talk to Lucas?” Austin asked, bringing my attention to him.

  “No.”

  His eyebrows lowered in a curious yet serious manner while he glanced at the boys before saying, “Maybe you should.”

  I didn’t falter. “How’s he doing?”

  “Don’t pretend like you don’t know,” Jacob accused only staring at me.

  I placed my hand on my hip, leaning all my weight into it. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You tell us,” Dylan countered.

  “Boys!” Aubrey scolded, but none of them turned to look at her. Their intense glares placed on me. I felt like I was on trial or something. Every move I made or anything I said would receive an objection.

  “Stop ganging up on her,” Aubrey yelled out, sticking up for me. But even I didn’t back down from their glares.

  “Mind your business, baby,” Dylan ordered in a husky tone I’d never heard before.

  “We’ve given you weeks, Half-Pint, and you haven’t said a word. Is there anything you need to tell us? Or do we need to keeping assuming?” Dylan proclaimed.

  “You know what they say about people who assume,” I sassed, and I could feel Aubrey smiling behind me. It gave me the courage I needed to keep going and for some reason, I felt she knew that.

  Jacob stood first and the rest followed, their large frames towering over my small one.

  “Get your shit together. Ya hear me?” Jacob insinuated something that I couldn’t place my finger on, but his tone left me contemplating what he really meant.

  I nodded even though I didn’t understand. “Loud and clear.”

  “Good, while you’re at it give Lucas a call. He needs a friend,” Austin implied, accentuating the last word.

  “He’s got you boys,” I simply stated.

  “He. Needs. You. As a friend,” Dylan coaxed, also stressing that word. He pulled me over to him with his hand on the back of my neck and kissed the top of my head, murmuring, “Don’t lie to us again.”