Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

  “Four years?” Ash repeated, we all turned to him, “you adopted him?”

  “What, you thought we made him?” Max said, I felt as Cameron hit Max’s arm behind me, Ash shook his head, he almost looked embarrassed.

  “What are your professions, please?” He asked,

  “I’m an actor.” Cameron said, “mostly in musicals.”

  “And is that stable?” Ash asked, I saw as Cameron scowled.

  “I’ve been employed every year we’ve had Jacob.” He replied, Ash nodded quickly,

  “And yourself?” Ash asked,

  “I’m a ballet teacher.” Max said, “and a dancer.”

  “Where you Jacob’s teacher?” Ash asked, we both nodded. “Okay. Jacob, you are showing very clear signs of anorexia.” He said, I went to argue, “but, looking at your medical records and health checks your weight has remained constant, and healthy.

  With this in mind, I believe your diagnosis is atypical anorexia. However, this is early onset, and it’s good that it has been caught so quickly, that means your recovery can begin quickly, and you are likely to have a full recovery.” He said, then he looked at Max, “Jacob has been very dependent on you Max, for I presume how long he has known you.

  To have gone from such a loving environment, which I presume your teaching would’ve been towards him, as he is your son, to a prestige ballet school, is a massive change in his life, and there are probably a lot of feelings and unresolved emotions within Jacob right now. However, as you are a ballet dancer also, there is the element that Jacob could be comparing himself, and his achievements to yourself, as he will be doing with his classmates.” He said, I looked at my hands. “Your roommate?” he said, I looked up at him.

  “Kian?” I replied, he nodded to me,

  “What do you think of him?”

  “He’s an extraordinary dancer. It’s all so effortless for him and he’s in amazing shape. Although he did admit to me that he pads his ballet belt.” I said, Ash smiled sympathetically at me,

  “What? Did I answer it wrong?” I asked, Ash shook his head.

  “No, not at all Jacob.” He said, then looked at Cameron and Max, they all spoke without using words for a little bit. “There are a lot of things you can do as a family to support Jacob. Such as timetabled meal times, if you sit to eat the same meal which is planned as a family it can make mealtimes easier, and also Jacob, make sure you remain in contact with your friends. Go out with them, see them, talk to them. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I whispered, Max and Cameron nodded either side of me.

  “I’d recommend no ballet until recovery is taking place. We will meet regularly and together we will decide when it’s best for you to begin dancing again.” He said, I’m sure I whimpered. “Do you have any questions?”

  The journey home was quiet, the quietness remained until we got into the living room, and I just couldn’t handle it any longer. I watched as Cameron opened the double doors leading to the couches then went to go sit down as Max went towards the kitchen, and then, I began to cry.

  Feeling as it completely overpowered me, so I fell to my knees burying my face into my hands. There were arms around me the moment I touched the floor, so I turned myself so I could hug the arms back.

  “I think you’ve needed to cry for a while haven’t you.” Cameron said, I nodded to him as the tears continued to flood out of my eyes, he sat us down, letting me stay in his arms until I felt drained and I couldn’t cry anymore. Cameron kissed the side of my head as I sniffled.

  “I must be a huge embarrassment to you.” I said, then turned my head to look at Max, “you’re both so perfect.” I said in-between sniffles, “and I let you down.”

  “You did not let us down.” Max said coming to crouch beside next to us, “Not at all. Not one bit. We will get through this.”

  “Together.” Cameron said, I looked back at him. “We will figure this out and you will be okay. That is the most important thing to us Jacob, that you’re okay, and you’re happy.” He said, he began to nod to me, so I nodded back.

  “I know it’s hard. I know ballet school can be difficult but you can get through it. If you want to.” Max said, I looked at him,

  “How do you know?” I said. “You never went to the National Ballet School.” I added as I stood from Cameron’s arms, he reached for me tugging on my arm, telling me to calm down, but I didn’t want “You never went, you don’t know what it’s like there. You don’t have a clue.” I stated, “you sent me into that not knowing and letting me believe I could do it, and I can’t, I can’t do it.” I shouted then left the living room, running up the stairs to my bedroom.

  I didn't look up when I heard the knock on my door. I also didn't welcome the knocker in, but he came in anyway.

  "Ready to talk?" He asked, I didn't respond to him. "Okay. I'll talk you listen." He said then came to sit on my bed.

  I still didn't look up at him.

  "I want to tell you why I didn't go to National Ballet School, or into the Royal Ballet." He said, I glanced at him as he sighed. "I had a boyfriend in school, I think I told you that when you asked, when you were little." He said, I nodded. "Billy." He added, I raised my head to look at him.

  "He broke up with me when I was sixteen because he didn't think we could do a long distance relationship." He said, I frowned. "I was heartbroken because he was my first ever boyfriend. He was my virginity, and I knew he still loved me as much as I loved him, but he broke up with me and he went to National Ballet School to complete his studies." He said then inhaled, "When it came to my turn for auditioning, when I was eighteen Frankie and I went to the induction day." He said, then looked directly at me,

  "I was apprehensive about auditioning anyway, honestly, but I saw him as we were on our tour. I saw him and his new boyfriend and I knew I couldn't audition. He was only in his second year, I'd have had to have completed my first year with him in third, with him so close to me but not available to me." He said, I frowned.

  "We had agreed we'd get back together when I went to National Ballet School. That was the plan, then he'd live in London whilst I finished studying. He broke my heart all over again the moment I found out he had a new boyfriend." He said then sighed. "Yes, I know what you're thinking, I didn't go to the National Ballet School because of a boy." He said, then met my eyes.

  "Which is exactly what happened. I threw away my chance at the company, I threw away my chance of becoming a principal because of Billy, because he broke my heart and I couldn't bear to be around him. I don't regret it though." He said then looked at me, I shook my head because I knew he couldn't regret it. "I'd have never of been the World Champion if I went to National Ballet School, I'd have never competed. I'd have never done Musicals, I wouldn't have met Sam. I wouldn't have met Cameron." He said, then laughed sadly, "I'd have never of met Cameron." He repeated then looked at me, he put his hand into my hair. "We'd have never adopted you."

  "I'd have never learnt ballet." I replied to him, he smiled before closing his eyes I pretended to ignore the tear rolling down his cheek.

  "I know you're confused." He said, then opened his eyes. "I know you're angry, and excited, and..." He said then looked at me and smirked, "horny. You've been in a ballet bubble for so long you forgot to experience the real world and it’s all hitting you at once. I forgive you for what you said"

  "I don't forgive me." I replied,

  "Well, you should." He said then tugged on my hair lightly. "But don't forget Jacob, we're here. I'm here if you need to talk, if you want to just figure things out. We won't judge you. Ever." He said, I looked down.

  "I'm sorry." I said, then sniffed hard to try and disguise the quiver in my throat. "I'm so sorry." I repeated, he hugged me. "Can I stay here?" I asked, he nodded from in the hug.

  "Of course you can. This is your home." He said then looked around my room, I followed his head around, my grades five to eight sat on my bookcase, alongside pictures that were took from various concerts and performance
s.

  My first pair of pointe shoes sat above my desk on a shelf with the pair Max got me for my eighteenth and a rainbow pair, I'd spray painted with Connor. On my desk was a framed picture of Connor and I, I think we were sixteen in it. I turned from looking at the picture back to Max. "You chose the wallpaper." He said, I laughed as he stood from my bed. He got almost halfway before I decided I didn't want him to leave.

  "Max?" I said, he turned to look at me, "I think I made a bad decision." I said almost frowning at him, he frowned back. "I think I regret having sex with someone."

  Max passed me a shake bottle with something brown in, I frowned at him as he also sat on his bed,

  “Protein shake.” He said, I frowned harder at him as I hid underneath his quilt, I flicked the lid of the shake open and closed a few times. “It’s chocolate.” He added, I looked at him until he sighed. “You’ll be able to keep it down better than food, and it’ll fill you up better than drinks. It’ll stop you from feeling hungry.”

  “It’ll make me fat.”

  “No.” he said warily, “it’ll help you gain muscle mass.” He said, I looked down. “Now talk to me.” he said,

  “I slept with my Pas De Deux partner.” I said, he began to nod almost instantly. “But I don’t regret doing that.” I said then I sighed, “I don’t know how to explain it.” I said, then I gave and drank some of the shake, Max raised his eyebrow at me as I frowned at the taste. “I regret that I’ve ruined any opportunity I might have had to actually have a relationship with her.”

  “Oh.” He said softly, “why?”

  “Because I shouted at her.” I muttered, he frowned. “I fucked up my audition. Huge style. She suggested I do it en pointe, and I did. Madame Rose didn’t like that, at all.” I said shaking my head, he shook his with me, “I shouted at her. Publicly and now, I think she actually hates me.” I said, I saw as he kind of agreed. “I regret shouting at her more, but I was so angry…” I said, then I looked at him, “I was so hungry.” I added, he hugged my shoulders.

  “We’ll figure this out okay.” He said softly, I nodded to him as came under the cover with me.

  “This is vile.” I said, he laughed taking the shake from me, drinking it then covering his mouth.

  “Yep. That’s definitely vile.” He said, I laughed quietly as I continued to drink it, watching as Max searched through the Netflix’s until he found a reliable ballet film for us both to watch.

  ��

  Chapter 9

  "Dress tech." Cameron shouted towards the living room. I looked at him from my seat at the kitchen table, he glanced at me, just waiting,

  "Time?" Max replied, Cameron smiled.

  "Noon." He replied then came to sit opposite me to finish eating his breakfast,

  "Rehearsals over then?" I asked, Cameron nodded slowly to me.

  "Show opens the first week of December." He said, I nodded back to him.

  "And the run?" I queried as I flicked the lid of the shake bottle open and closed, Cameron sighed.

  "Are you okay?" He asked, I shrugged.

  "We got put into a list. Kian sent me it" I said, Cameron laughed so I looked directly at him, he covered his mouth.

  "Sorry, I was just having school memories." He said, I frowned at him then shook my head.

  "I'm a pretty sorry number." I said, Cameron smiled.

  "I usually came ninth out of twelve." He said, then raised an amused eyebrow back at me. "Your placement on a list doesn't define your worth." He said, I shrugged again. "And you've had a pretty crappy term, no?" He said, I nodded, because I really had.

  "Don't tell Max." I said, Cameron frowned at me,

  "Why?" He whispered, so I looked down,

  "I don't want to disappoint him." I muttered, Cameron nudged my hand with his,

  "You Jacob would never disappoint Max. Max is the proudest of you I've ever seen. You got into the National Ballet School, and that is amazing, oh and he's also usually pretty proud that you can dress yourself, feed yourself and go the toilet on your own." He said, I laughed.

  "You guys didn't get me through toddlerhood." I said, he smiled back at me.

  "No, but Max loves you so much he might as well have birthed you himself." He said, I looked into my bowl to smile, then up as Max came into the kitchen.

  "You said noon, right?" He asked, Cameron nodded back to him. "Dress tech." He repeated, Cameron nodded again,

  "Come sit, eat something." Cameron said pointing at the chair between us, Max sighed. "Sit. Eat. There's nothing to do, or nothing that you can do." he said, then laughed, "I love your neurotic self but... To an extent."

  "I'm not neurotic." Max said pointing at his chest as he sat down,

  "I'm on Max's side here." I said, Cameron laughed loudly.

  "Well, I'm not surprised." He stated, I laughed then bit my lip.

  "Oh, you made him laugh. Bonus points." Max said, Cameron winked back at him.

  "Can I come to your rehearsal?" I asked looking between them, as they looked at each other. "Just to watch." I added, Max spoke to Cameron with just his expression, I still hadn't completely cracked their expression code yet.

  "Yes." Max said, "it might be good for you." He added, I nodded to him then drank from the shake bottle.

  I sat between them in the stalls as their director sat on the end of the stage, he spoke exactly like I imagined a theatre director would, he spoke as if he had a dream. All that he was missing was a silk scarf and a melodramatic backstory.

  When he stood up, everyone else did, all leaving the stalls and going to the stage. Cameron stood alongside Sam Bing, as they read through Sam's copy of the script. Max sat on the other side of the stage, tying his pointe ribbons.

  "Let's warm up, then straight in. Okay?" The director said, they all agreed then spread themselves out on the stage.

  Max stood next to Cameron; I saw as Cameron grinned as if he was prepared for whatever Max was going to do to him.

  They did some breathing exercises, then sang alongside the scales, which they did twice over before the director made them jog on the spot whilst still singing. Then they went into a dance warmup, stretching every part of their bodies. That's when I saw Max's mischievous smirk, as he reached for Cameron and began to tickle him, getting squeaked at as a response, I laughed covering my mouth as Cameron punched Max's arm, then went straight back into the stretch, they continued until the director clapped his hands,

  "Narrator front and centre." He requested, so Cameron did so, "dancers in the wings. Everyone else off stage." He stated, everyone scurried leaving just Cameron stood centre stage. He walked backwards until he was stood where he should, he clicked his fingers and a spotlight appeared. He looked up happily as the house lights went out, and the stage went to black,

  "Right, from the top." The director said, and the music began, it sounded like an orchestra warming up, until Cameron clicked. The sound echoing around the theatre and the spot light shone down on him, he smiled, a quick almost sinister smile then he began to sing.

  I moved forward in my seat, leaning on the one in front of me as the stage gradually got lighter, and lighter until it was completely lit and all the dancers were stood as if they were statues around him.

  They only began to move when Cameron touched them, and even then it was slow aerobatics. I watched as he walked up to Max, he took his hand, then smiled as Max raised his leg vertical to his body. Cameron let go as he sang his next line, leaving him stood with his leg vertical until he turned to the audience and they all began to dance together.

  All moving perfectly together, until Cameron stopped and they surrounded him doing their aerobatics again until the song finished, and Cameron clicked his fingers again, making the stage go dark.

  Max came to sit next me when they hit the interval, Cameron was sat on the stage alongside Sam as they received notes.

  "So?"

  "He works hard." I said, Max smiled then tried to hide it behind his hand. "Like I never quite realised how har
d Cameron has to work."

  "You thought ballet was harder?"

  "Well, stricter." I said, Max nodded.

  "Admittedly. I like doing musicals because I can relax slightly, the choreography can sometimes be more intense though." He said, I laughed as I nodded. "Not just ballet."

  "Is this supposed to be a life lesson?" I asked, Max laughed,

  "No. You love ballet, I'm not telling you to get another hobby. I just think it's good for you to see that ballet isn't the be all and end all, or, that ballet dancers aren't the only ones who work hard." He said, I sighed but nodded to him,

  "I placed tenth on the assessment list." I said,

  "Tenth?" He repeated, I nodded.

  "I know it's shit." I said, Max laughed.

  "It's not Jacob, it gives you room to improve." He said, I looked at him. "To be number one by second year.” He said, I shook my head, agreeing with him. "Then you're doing just fine. Tenth overall, or tenth male?"

  "Overall. There's not enough males to make a list." I said, Max smiled at me again, so I broke and smiled back at him.

  "Act two beginners, to the stage please." I heard so I turned to look for the voice.

  "You'll be fine Jacob." Max said as he stood, I nodded back to him as he left the stalls and went back onto the stage.

  I warily went into the kitchen after I heard Cameron shout my name. He’d disappeared into the kitchen the moment we’d returned from their dress tech and Max had disappeared upstairs to have a shower, as he had lessons to teach this evening. Cameron turned to smile at me, so I frowned back at him.

  “Come here.” he said, I shook my head. “Come.” He repeated, so I went. “You’re helping me make tea.” He said, I shook my head almost instantly.

  “No, no I…”

  “Pizza.” He said, “quick and easy.” He said, so I looked at his face I began to nod as his expression literally screamed ‘please’.

  “What do you want me to do?” I asked, Cameron grinned then put a lump of dough that was wrapped in cling film down in front of me.