Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

“Roll that.” He said amused, “try and get it circle shaped.” He added as he sprinkled some flour onto the countertop. I unwrapped the dough then began to roll it, as Cameron got the toppings out. “We can either have three individual pizzas, or one big one?”

  “Max like’s olives. Three individuals please.” I replied, Cameron laughed nodding to me as he assessed my dough rolling skills. He seemed to approve, then helped me cut it into three, I rolled out two of them, as Cameron rolled out the third.

  “Just in time.” Cameron said, so I turned my head to look at Max as he came into the kitchen.

  “For?” Max asked, then kissed Cameron’s cheek, Cameron laughed whilst threatening to touch him with his floured hands.

  “To choose your pizza toppings.” I said, Max oohed and stood on the other side of Cameron to top his. Cameron took a picture of the three pizzas before we cooked them, smiling at us both as he turned away with his phone, typing into it then placing it on the kitchen table.

  “Now the fun part.” He said, I raised my eyebrow at him as Max laughed and ate some cheese off the top of his pizza, then put the three of them into the oven. “Cleaning up.”

  “Oh give over.” Max said laughing as he held his hand above Cameron’s head, he barely had time to register it before Max began to sprinkle flour over him, I almost instantly began to laugh as Cameron scooped up some flour.

  “I have just had a shower you can’t.” Max said backing away, until he walked into the dish washer. Cameron threw the flour anyway, so Max grabbed him, turning him around to face me. “Go on.” He said amused, I bit my lip. “Throw it.” he added, I took a handful out of the bag,

  Cameron began to shake his head at me as he tried to escape Max’s grasp, then he screamed in amongst laughter as I threw the flour at him. Max let Cameron go the moment I had so I ran, hiding behind the kitchen table as Cameron got the bag of flour. I screamed ducking under the table as Cameron began to throw it.

  We all sat around the table, all freshly showered when the timer dinged to indicate the pizzas were done.

  “Going to be hot.” Cameron said as he placed the three pizzas onto the table, he passed me the pizza knife, nodding to me as he took the trays to the sink. I cut each of the pizzas into quarters.

  “What are you going to do when your show starts?” I asked, Max frowned at me as he took his first piece of pizza. “With evening classes?” I asked, he began to nod because he understood.

  “As the show runs through December, Frankie’s going to teach the classes,” he said, I must’ve looked surprised, “and do a winter show around February time.” He said, I nodded back to him then reached for my own piece of pizza.

  “That makes sense.” I said nodding, he seemed to agree.

  “Thought it was the easier option, than teaching multiple classes in the interval.” He said, I began to laugh then ate some of the pizza, I watched as Cameron smiled at Max, who smiled right back.

  Cameron came to sit next to me on the bathroom floor once I’d done throwing up. He didn’t speak when he came into the bathroom, he’d just sat beside me wrapping his arms around my shoulders until I looked at him.

  “It’s okay.” He said simply, I shook my head, “it is, you won’t get better overnight. You’ll never get better overnight, but the fact that you want to get better is good Jacob.” He said, I whimpered as I leant my head on his shoulder.

  “I enjoyed making the pizza.” I said, he laughed softly.

  “Yeah, that was fun.” He said nodding, “and you know what, that’s good enough for today.” He said, I looked up again. “And you did eat it, so there’s definite progress.” He said, I nodded to him as he hugged my shoulders. “pretty soon you won’t have to drink those retched shakes again.” He said, I began to laugh as he did too. “Now come on.” He said then stood, I stood with him. “I’ll get you some water.” He added as he led me out of the bathroom.

  “I don’t appreciate you working in alliance with my fathers.” I said as I walked down the path of the carpark towards the supermarket, Connor laughed as he shook his head.

  “I apologise I needed food.” He said, turning his head to look at me, I smiled at him so he laughed. “I’m not working in alliance, I swear.” He added, I laughed.

  I’d called him earlier, begging him to let me go out with him, just to get me out of my house. Max and Cameron had both approved of my day trip as I ate a bowl of cereal, and hadn’t yet recreated it, when I’d arrived at Connor’s flat he had announced he had to do a food shop, and that he’d appreciate my help. I’d complained to him for most of the journey to the supermarket.

  “Cameron had us make pizzas.” I said, “I know what he’s up to.” I added as Connor put a pound into a trolley, then rolled it towards me, I began to push it.

  “What do you mean? What he’s up to?”

  “Ash told them, we should eat together as a family and eat the same food. It’ll make me more likely to eat it.”

  “Did it?” he said, I sighed. “Right.” He said nodding,

  “Ash also suggested I help in preparation, ergo we made pizzas.”

  “I did eat it.” I said, “but I threw it back up.” I added, Connor winced. “I’m not doing it on purpose.” I stated,

  “I know. When I was talking to Kian, all about you, totally about you he said he could tell you weren’t actually purposely doing it.

  However, killing yourself on a treadmill was questionable.” He said raising his eyebrow at me as we walked down the fruit and vegetable aisle, he picked up some bananas.

  “Yeah, I admit that was stupid.” I said, as he opened the bag of bananas, he pulled one off, passing it to me, so I took it as he pulled another and threw the bag into the trolley, he began to eat the one he was holding, so I copied.

  “You’ve never actively done anything that involved exercise.” He said amused, I laughed with him because it had been all too true. “There’s a kid in the home like that now. He hates all kinds of physical recreation. Ste stated that it’s one activity of your choice and a sport.” He said laughing, I nodded.

  “I remember all too well; it’s why I did swimming for ten years.” I said, Connor laughed.

  “I loved football.” He said nodding, I nodded back to him because I knew he had. “This kid goes to a gaming club every week, and every week he tells Ste he won’t do exercise, it’s humorous.” He said smiling at me as he picked up some ready meals, “I’m going to buy their presents next week, if you wish to join me?” he said, I looked at him as I finished the banana, then I nodded, he smiled at me as he turned the end of the trolley towards the next aisle. “I’m thinking of buying this kid a headset for when he plays games on the computer.” He added, I smiled,

  “Connor.” I said, he looked at me, “have kids someday.” I said, he laughed. “Please.” I added, “Kian likes kids. I’m sure it wouldn’t be too difficult to persuade him to elope.” I said, he grinned as he picked some tins off the shelves.

  “Speaking of Kian…” he said, I frowned at him, “I’m going to watch the ballet. The evening performance Kian requested, because then he can come home with me and stay at mine.” He said then waved his hand at me, sort of saying that fact was not necessary. “Do you want to come?” he asked, he winced as he did, I winced back because I didn’t actually have an answer to that question.

  “I don’t know.” I said softly, Connor began to nod. “I think I might have to ask Ash if it’d be wise to.” I added, he smiled and nodded to me.

  “Course.” He said, “just let me know. I mean it’s almost guaranteed I’ll be having sex with Kian that night, so I fully understand if you do not want to come with me.” he said, I laughed as he grinned at me then turned the trolley into the next aisle.

  I went home with him, as I promised I’d help put his shopping away, so I did.

  “Staying for some tea?” he asked, I looked at him as I closed the cupboard, I’d put all his tins into.

  “What’s on the menu?” I asked, Connor s
miled.

  “I was thinking soup honestly, I brought a chicken and sweetcorn mix.” He said, I nodded to him.

  “That sounds good.” I said, he seemed pleased as he got a pan out of the drawer and put it on the hob.

  I went to stand beside him, as he opened the packet and poured the soup into the pan. We sat opposite each other on his couch to eat. He had decorated his couch with numerous sequined cushions that changed colour when you stroked them, the one behind him had a K written into it, the blue sequins against the silver background, the one behind me had a star, but I had ran my hand over it a few times and began to write a J into it.

  He laughed as he saw what I was doing, shaking his head at me, so I pointed at the cushion behind him, he laughed as he looked over his shoulder.

  “He does it every time he comes over.” He said as he stroked down a few of the silver sequins. “I decided to just leave it this time, see what he does.” He said amused, I laughed as he placed his now empty bowl onto the table, I copied.

  “I feel as if we haven’t gossiped nearly enough about Kian.” I said, Connor began to laugh.

  “You probably know him better than I do.” He replied, I nodded waving my finger between us,

  “Gossiping goes both ways Connor.” I said, he grinned then he nodded to me.

  ***

  “Connor has invited me to watch the Christmas ballet.” I said, Ash nodded to me as I rubbed my thighs with the palms of my hand. “I couldn’t work out if that’d be good for me to go to, or not?” I asked almost frowning at Ash who was tapping his pen against his chin.

  “I think this is something only you can fully decide for yourself.”

  “Starting to sound a bit like a mystical mentor there.” I said, Ash laughed briefly.

  “Jacob, how are you finding not doing ballet?”

  “It’s killing me.” I admitted, I’d waved it off to both Cameron and Max the multiple times they’d asked because I didn’t want to make them feel worse, although I’m sure Max knew, or at least some part of him knew that it was killing me not to be doing ballet.

  “Do you feel watching ballet would make those feelings more prominent?” he asked, I looked at him,

  “But I’d be going for my friends, not…” I began then I lost myself.

  “I believe this is truly only a decision you can make yourself.” He said, I frowned at him.

  “I thought you were supposed to be helpful.” I said, he laughed briefly, and inwardly I was glad he understood it was a joke.

  “How are meal times for you?” He asked, I hummed at him.

  “I am continuing to throw up big meals.” I said, he nodded,

  “What are we labelling as a big meal?” he asked, I shrugged.

  “I don’t know, a lot of food. I suppose, meals that aren’t soup, or cereal.” I said then winced, he began to nod.

  “But you’re keeping soup and cereal down?” he asked, I nodded, “small victories.” He said happily, so I smiled back at him.

  “Small victories.” I agreed.

  Corinthian tapped my shoulder, as I sat on his till point, I turned to look at him then took the tea he was passing me. I turned back to Max and Frankie as they sat on the floor of the shop multiple pointes surrounding them, and ballet wear magazines open in front of them.

  "I wanted to talk to you." Cory said, I looked at him as he leant on the till, watching Max and Frankie himself and sipping at his own tea. "I've spoken to Max, and of course Cameron and they have a brilliant perspective on the whole thing but I feel like I'd only get a genuine one from you."

  "On what?" I asked,

  "Frankie and I are looking to adopt." He said, I looked at him, "we just don't know how to approach it." He said, then he frowned at me, so I frowned back. "I mean, we don't know if we want to adopt a baby, or... Not."

  "Everyone adopts babies." I said, "it's very common and usually there's a long waiting list to adopt a baby. You either get a freshly made baby, or one that's still cooking." I said, he laughed. "I mean you can do the cool thing where you mix your sperm together and have a surrogate but, that's not really what you're asking is it." I said, Cory laughed. "We always said once you turned thirteen that was it. If you hadn't been adopted, you’re not going to be."

  "Were you, or were you not fourteen?" He said, I nodded.

  "I was rare, but Connor was never adopted, nor was Jack. Ste told us it was becoming more frequent that kids stayed in the home until they were eighteen. Adopting was becoming less common, as was fostering." I said, then I sighed and looked at him, "I still haven't answered your question, right?"

  "Right." He replied amused,

  "I guess I can't tell you what kind of kid you should adopt. You work here, so you can do the school run. Frankie," I said then frowned in his direction,

  "Frankie has just retired from dancing in ballets. He's between jobs right now." He said,

  "So technically you could adopt a baby or a toddler, but they need a lot of love, as do the little kids in homes. Up until their about nine or ten, they need so much love because they're aware that they don't have a mum or dad, but can't always comprehend why. I remember it well," I said, then looked at him.

  "It sounds twisted, messed up but I was almost envious that Connor's parents had died. That was such a simple black and white situation. We were babies but we both understood perfectly what that meant. Ste struggled telling me why I was in care, every time I asked he struggled, because how do you say to a four, five year old that their mum gave them up at birth.

  I'll never know why, and I can't work out if that's a shitty part of the deal or not." I said, then I sighed. "My point though, although kids are cuter, they need so much more love because sometimes they just feel as if no one wants them." I said, then looked at him,

  "And your view on adopting a twelve, thirteen year old?"

  "You'd make their year. Their life." I said, he smiled.

  "You'd recommend it?" He asked, I shrugged,

  "I'm bias." I said, then I laughed. "You've got a fully-fledged little human if you get a twelve year old. I mean, I was ballet mad from when I was about five, but by twelve, I was a ballet force." I said, he began to laugh.

  "And obviously with us being gay?"

  "Kids don't care, so long as you love them." I said then looked towards Max and Frankie again.

  "So, maybe stop being so hard on Max." He said, I sighed.

  "I'm not doing it because he's gay."

  "That'd be quite hypocritical of you, no?"

  "I'm bi," I said, he raised his eyebrow at me, so I laughed. "Fair." I said, he smiled. "He knows I'm sorry."

  "I know, and you know he loves you." He said, I nodded.

  "You'll be a good dad." I said almost frowning at him. "Careful though, you might accidentally get a football mad kid, who can literally list off every player since time began."

  "I wouldn't be surprised." He said amused. "I'll talk to Frankie, but thank you. You've given me somethings to think about." He said nodding then looked back towards them, so I did as they both stood.

  "What do you think?" Frankie asked, I began to laugh as they both presented their Christmas tree made of pointe shoes to us with their arms.

  "Awesome." Cory said nodding, I continued to laugh as Frankie came over to Cory leaning towards him and kissing him.

  "Do you mind if I take the prodigy?" Max said, they both laughed.

  "He is your son." Frankie said, Max laughed as I jumped off the till, and put my coat on. I watched Max hug both of them, then he walked towards me. He led me out of Cory's shop and down the street, we didn't really talk as we walked. I let him lead the way, not bothering to ask where we were going because there was no chance he was going to tell me. Until he cleared his throat.

  "It's Christmas." He said, I bit my tongue so I wouldn't reply with a snarky remark. "Which means my favourite thing is in town."

  "Your favourite thing?" I asked, then I actually looked at him. "The Nutcracker?" I said, he nodde
d.

  "However, not the traditional Nutcracker this year," he said as we rounded the corner to the theatre,

  "Bournes." I said then I smiled at the huge poster on the front of the theatre.

  "I have two tickets." He said, so I smiled at him. "If of course you still like me enough to join me."

  "Of course I do." I said, he smiled at me so I nodded. "Thank you, dad."

  ��

  Chapter 10

  I took a deep breath as I took the seat beside Connor. Our hall looked completely different with the stage built and the seating bank pulled out. I almost couldn’t recognise it, which humoured me, if only lightly as I’d been so wary of going back into the hall, since the last time I had, I’d blacked out.

  Connor had held my hand most of the way, until we got to our row of seats and he had to turn sideways to walk down, so had forgone my hand, and continuously checked to make sure I was actually following him.

  “Good?” he asked when I finally sat down, I nodded to him then looked over his shoulder as he read the programme. There was a long description of the show over the first two pages, I guess it was for the non-ballet fans who’d been forced to come and watch as their child, or sibling was performing.

  The next page was the running order, the scenes and where they were set, then there were some photos. The Second playing Edward, and the ballerina got their own headshots and a quote underneath from both of them, both stating their joy that they’d gotten the role. Below, was a group photograph, it was my class, all stood in boy girl pairs, except for Abi, who was stood in the centre holding fifth position. Underneath in an extraordinary small font was all of their names, left to right.

  “So, which girl did you sleep with?” Connor asked as he searched the photograph, I laughed.

  “This isn’t a fun game.” I replied as I moved the programme a little closer to me, putting my finger above Abi’s head. “I fucked that up.” I said, he nodded although I could tell it was totally wary.

  “What are you going to do?” he asked, I sighed.

  “Turn over a new leaf.” I said, his eyebrow raised. “I’m going to apologise to her, when I see her again. Straight out apologise, and although I’m sure that won’t change very much and I’ve probably left it too long now, it might create a little bit of harmony. Then I’m going to not focus on it anymore, and just treat it as a learning experience.”