Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

  “I’m sorry.” I said,

  “For what?” Cameron asked, I shrugged.

  “Ruining tonight.” I said, he laughed so I opened my eyes.

  “You have not ruined tonight. You threw up. Granted it probably ruined tea for you.” He said, I nodded. “But it didn’t ruin the performance we put on, it didn’t ruin the catch-up I got to have with my twin brother, who I see twice a year, if I’m lucky. It didn’t ruin the fun we had downstairs watching the film, it didn’t ruin anything.” He said, “besides, Max is well asleep, and probably has been for a while, and Caspar is, doing whatever, he is doing, only I know you’ve thrown up. Right now, and I will tell Max but not the moment I go to bed.” He said, so I looked at him, he was too close for me to actually see him properly, to make out any of his features, he was horrendously blurry, so instead I just moved my head towards him, leaning it on his shoulder, he hugged me the moment I did.

  I finally made my way downstairs after lying in bed for a few minutes contemplating if I actually wanted to get out of bed and be officially awake yet. I ultimately decided I did, and put my glasses on to make my way downstairs. The doors leading to the living room were still closed, I presumed no one had even attempted going into that part of the house yet, as they always waited for me to make the first move. Instead, the kitchen door was open and there were very happy sounds coming from it, so I walked towards it. Caspar was sat at the table with Max, they were both very amused by whatever Cameron was doing at the oven.

  “Merry Christmas.” Max said, so I looked at him then I smiled at him.

  “Merry Christmas.” Caspar said, as Cameron did. Max and I laughed at the same time.

  “He’s got this perfect, he knows to only come down after my first few failed attempts at pancakes.” Cameron said, then placed the plate of little round golden pancakes in the middle of the table, so I sat at the table, picked the top pancake and began to eat it.

  “First few failed attempts?” Max repeated, as Cameron sat on the chair beside me, “I think that’s being polite.” He added, I began to laugh as Cameron gasped and threw the dishcloth at him.

  We all sat on the floor when we got through the doors of the living room, to where the Christmas tree and presents were hiding. They had always sat on the floor with me, as we opened presents, and if ever I asked if they wanted to sit on the couch they’d both complain loudly at me, Cameron shouting that he was still young, whilst Max shouted about being a ballet dancer. I soon figured it was easier just letting them sit with me, unless I wanted a laugh from all their shouting.

  “That one’s yours.” Max said, pointing at the silver present, so I reached for it stroking the wrapping paper when I rested it on my knee.

  I remembered being very overwhelmed the first Christmas I spent with Max and Cameron, after having so many in the home, and only getting one present being presented with more than one had completely shook me, and I hadn’t really known how to respond to it, until Max and Cameron explained the resting behind each of the gifts and why they had waited until Christmas to give me them.

  It had made a little more sense to me, and I had opened them all, thanking Max and Cameron after every tear of the wrapping paper.

  I had spoken to Cameron later on that afternoon as he added the last touches to our dinner, I explained to him what had happened, and he had smiled, and took me into their bedroom. He showed me a snow globe that he had on the top of his chest of drawers, it was of Broadway, all the theatres with their brightly coloured billboards, and when it was shook it looked like it had begun to snow.

  He told me Max had brought him it, for Christmas, the first Christmas they were together, Cameron was just eighteen and had been with Max for a grand total of sixty days at that point, he had whispered to me that he was counting them at that point because he still didn’t believe he was actually Max’s boyfriend. He hadn’t gotten Max anything for Christmas, having only been together eight weeks or so, he hadn’t even though they were doing presents. He had been so shocked that Max had gotten him something, when he initially saw the present, and then he was overwhelmed by the complete beauty of what Max had brought him. He hadn’t completely known what to do or how to receive the gift but, he told me, he knew the moment he’d opened the gift that Max loved him, and that he most definitely loved Max. Then, he told me that Max loved me so much he couldn’t quite bring himself to stop buying things for Christmas, then he hugged me.

  It was the first time he’d ever hugged me.

  “These are yours.” I replied, passing them both a gift bag, they matched with each other as Cameron’s was cream with gold spots, and Max’s gold with cream spots.

  “We told you, you didn’t have to get us anything.” Max said, so I laughed.

  “And I told you, I would.” I replied, he smiled at me

  “Yours is there.” Cameron said, so Caspar looked behind the tree, “didn’t think we’d leave you out.” He added, Caspar laughed as he pulled out the green shiny parcel, we all opened them together.

  My package turned out to be a grey jumper, which when I unfolded had Ballet. Sleep. Repeat. Wrote on it, I laughed standing to hug both Cameron and Max then watched as they opened theirs. I’d gotten them both a water bottle each as they frequently mixed up their water bottles. I had personalised them with their names, in big block letters down one side, and Max’s had little ballerina’s in different positions on the opposite side to his name, whilst Cameron had music notes.

  They pulled me down together, kissing both of my cheeks then let me go, I got to the doors when they exchanged their presents for each other, I didn’t see what they were but I left as they kissed each other.

  Connor was the first of our Christmas dinner guests to arrive. He’d been coming for Christmas since I’d moved out of the home, because it would never have felt like Christmas without Connor. He hugged me once I opened the door.

  “I have literally been Santa Claus this morning.” He said, I began to laugh as he looked at me, “nice jumper.” He added,

  “Right back at you.” I replied, as I took in the purposely ugly Christmas jumper he was wearing. “When you say literally?”

  “Red suit, beard.” He said, I laughed. “I took the kids their presents. Well, I called Ste and said I’d bring them on Christmas Eve, and he simply said no, so I asked when and he said Christmas morning. It was nice.” He said nodding, I nodded back to him. “And I got pancakes.” He added as I led him into the living room.

  “Spoke to Kian?” I asked, he nodded a blush covered his cheeks almost instantly, so I nudged my elbow against his.

  “We spoke last night. Wished each other a merry Christmas and you know, all that.” He said, I raised my eyebrow at him. “And we had phone sex.” He said, I began to laugh.

  “I talked to him a few days ago.” I said, then I smiled. “We did not have phone sex.” I added, he shook his head at me then held the gift bag out to me that was in his hand, I took it in both of mine, peering into it then I began to laugh.

  “You enjoyed the ones on my couch so much, I thought I’d get you one of your own.” He said, then he smiled. I laughed as I reached under the tree and passed him, his present. “Where are the adults of the house?” Connor asked as we both sat on my couch, I laughed.

  “Kitchen. I believe their scheming something.” I replied as I got the cushion out, it was a beautiful emerald colour, until I ran my hand over it and it became aqua.

  “I made sure I got you boy colours.” He teased, I rolled my eyes at him as he pulled his tongue at me as he pulled out the vinyl, he’d hinted at months ago, he smiled at it, then kissed my cheek.

  “I see me with my boy colours did well.” I said, he laughed, we both turned when the doorbell went again.

  “Jacob?” I heard from the kitchen, so I stood.

  “Got it.” I replied, as I walked towards the door. I opened it to Cory and Frankie who both seemed very happy to be there.

  “Cutting it a bit fine.” Max said as he app
eared in the living room, they both laughed as Frankie walked towards him to hug him. “Dinner is ready.” Max said, “and I warn you, it’s pretty exciting.” He said, then led the way into the kitchen where Cameron was lighting the candles on the table.

  There were two dipping cheeses on either end of the table with multiple crackers surround them. Once they were completely eaten, Cameron and Max stood to give out the main course. I was the last to receive it, and I looked at it as confused as everyone else did.

  “A whole Christmas dinner in a Yorkshire pudding.” Cameron said then he took his seat, “the meat, the vegetables and some gravy.” He said, then he smiled at me, so I smiled back at him. “Not too much.” He added, I nodded.

  “But do help yourselves to the potatoes.” Max said as he placed the serving plate in the middle of the table.

  ��

  Chapter 11

  I stood alternating from foot to foot, raising onto and off pointe as I scrolled through Max’s tablet, I just wanted one song to dance to, until I found a playlist that Max had named ‘Jacob’. I opened it, I smiled as I began to scroll down it.

  It had my warm-up song and the song we’d battled pirouettes with for the first time, what followed was every performance song I’d ever danced too. I got to the bottom, reading the song I’d danced to in Max’s summer show before I went to the National Ballet School, I hovered over it for a few seconds then used my finger to slide the entire list back to the top.

  I chose the first song I’d ever danced on the stage too, I closed my eyes as the song began, the bells ringing out, so I walked to the centre of the floor. I took a deep breath like I had when I was fourteen then I rose onto my pointes, smiling to myself as I began to dance.

  I danced it step perfect, laughing to myself as I went into my extensions and pirouettes with such ease, I didn’t even think as I started the pirouette section. I just spun, and spun, and spun until I stopped, holding myself steady as I went into my bow, I looked up quickly as I heard an applause.

  “Sorry.” I said quickly when I saw Max, he shook his head at me as he came into the studio.

  “What for?” Max asked, I waved my hand above my head.

  “Hijacking your studio. To dance.”

  “Heaven forbid a dancer, uses my dance studio, to dance.” He said, I smiled as I looked at my feet. “You danced it as brilliantly as you did when you were fourteen.” He said, “except, of course your pirouettes we’re much cleaner, and I think you did about three more than choreographed.”

  “Course.” I said, he smiled.

  “Although, should I be worried about your extension?”

  “Why?” I asked, Max laughed,

  “Because it was starting to look better than mine.” He said, I looked up at him.

  “That’s because I’m younger than you.” I said, then pulled my tongue at him as he gasped, then pushed me backwards.

  “I taught you everything you know.” he said, I nodded to him.

  “You did.” I said, as I turned my head to look at him, “I just improved it.” I said, grinning at him, he shook his head back to me then looked at his watch,

  “You have to see Ash in an hour.” He said, I nodded as I looked towards my phone. “Are you just hoping that Ash will approve of you doing ballet again?” he asked, I laughed,

  “Okay, I broke the rules, but ballet.” I said, Max nodded as he scrunched his nose at me,

  “But ballet.” He replied, “want to dance together?” he asked, I nodded slowly to him, then I frowned.

  “To what?” I asked, he laughed as he scrolled through his watch, then looked at the stereo system as the music began, I shook my head at him, rising onto my pointes, so he also did, nodding to me, as I rose my right leg as he did too.

  I looked at him in the mirror as we both held it vertical to our bodies, he nodded his head to me counting the beats, so I did it back, until we both got to five and dropped our legs to go into the jeté section. “Point your toes.” I shunned towards him, making him laugh almost instantly,

  “Oh Mr. Ballet School knows best, I see.” He replied, I chewed on my lip so I wouldn’t laugh out loud, as we continued to dance through.

  “And what was your other one?” I said, he looked briefly at me as we both rose into an arabesque. “Oh yes. Strong.” I shouted at him; he began to laugh.

  “Strong.” He shouted back, as we both prepared for the pirouettes, I looked at him, he nodded to me.

  “Strong, strong, strong.” We said together, I began to laugh as I went into my pirouette, still managing to keep my rotations going, even though I was laughing.

  Max stepped out of the pirouette first, so I pointed at him then stepped out of my own section, taking a bow, he pointed back at me then turned around to look at the door where Cameron was leaning against the doorframe.

  “You’re breaking the rules.” Cameron said, then he pointed at Max, “and you’re even worse for breaking the rules.” He said, Max looked at me, I high-fived him. “I’ve come to take you to see Ash, and to kiss you.” He said, Max nodded he seemed quite happy with that.

  “I can work with that.” He said nodding as I leant against the barre then used it to sit myself down and take off my pointes, I glanced up between shoes as Max whispered in Cameron’s ear, then they kissed.

  “Come on ballet boy.” Cameron said, so I laughed as I placed my pointes into my bag then stood,

  “Let me know what he says, I’ve missed dancing with you.” He said, I smiled back then began to follow Cameron out of Max’s studios.

  Cameron sat outside Ash’s room. Ash had been I’m sure relieved when I finally began talking to him without the aid of Cameron and Max.

  Our sessions had become more about conversing in the last few weeks, I felt as if we’d actually formed some sort of bond. As the week after Christmas I had found out that Ash, was Arlo’s husband and they’d met during a production of Alice in Wonderland, where Ash was the tap dancing Mad Hatter, and Arlo the March Hare, this lead to the hour being filled by talking about the fact Ash could tap dance.

  He spent the first five minutes of today session looking through the food diary he’d asked me to keep. I’d found when I opened it this morning, that I presume Cameron had stuck multi-coloured smiley face stickers next to the days that I’d wrote I’d eaten everything and not thrown any of it back up.

  “You’re coming on brilliantly.” Ash said, I nodded. “It’s been a hard two months, I’m fully aware of how hard it’s been, but your progress has been brilliant.”

  “I threw up on Christmas Eve.” I murmured, “and New Year’s, but I genuinely think I was drunk.” I said, he laughed softly then placed his finger on New Year’s.

  “I agree with how empty your stomach would’ve been.” He said, I looked down and smiled.

  “Ash?” I said, he nodded so I inhaled. “School starts next week.”

  “Yes.” He said, then he closed the diary. “Right, I feel you are ready to start dancing again. I know it’s been hard to get through not doing ballet. I think that’s been the hardest part for you? Right?”

  “Right.” I agreed, because I’d been binge watching ballet videos late at night on my phone, it had begun to feel like a dirty habit, as if I was watching porn, as I felt the need to hide it whenever I heard movement come from Max or Cameron’s room.

  “Which, I think is the reason you’ve been so progressive with your recovery.” He said, “I worry that putting you back into the school environment might cause a regression.”

  “That’s bad.” I said, he nodded once,

  “However, it is a part of your recovery and regressions happen, although we wish they wouldn’t.”

  “So, I can’t go back to school?”

  “Now, I never said that.” He said cautiously, “I feel as if going straight back to boarding wouldn’t be the best of ideas, you should stay with Max and Cameron for at least another month.” He said, I nodded. “And if you wish to help out with the classes Max teache
s, that too I would say is okay.”

  “But I can’t go back to school?” I repeated, he sighed.

  “Jacob…” he replied, so I closed my mouth as I heard the ‘let me finish’ in his voice. “I think you can go back to your repertoire classes with Arlo, and your classes with Madame Rose, however I feel that should be dictated by you, if you do not feel mentally up for Madame Rose’s class, you should not attend.”

  “Okay.” I said, “not Pas De Deux?”

  “I don’t think you’re quite ready for Miss Olivia’s lesson.” He said, I nodded because I agreed. “Maybe in a month or so.” He added, I sighed. “I would like to know what you do not want to do?” he said, I frowned.

  “What?”

  “In regards to classes, or sessions. For example, do you wish to take your exams?”

  “Yes.” I said nodding, “I want to take my exams, both my Christmas and my end of year.” I said, then I looked at him, “I don’t want to wear contacts.” I said, he nodded as he wrote something in his book. “Or go to the gym.” I added,

  “I advise you don’t do additional gym hours for the time being.” He agreed, so I nodded.

  “That’s all.”

  “That’s all.” I replied, he nodded then flipped through his folder until he found a piece of paper, he passed it to me.

  “Your winter term timetable.” He said, I looked at him. “I would say, I’m happy for you to be present in your repertoire class first thing Monday morning.”

  “You’re serious?” I asked, he nodded

  “I want you to see me frequently, and to know that my door is always open if you need a mental health day.” He said, I smiled at him, he smiled back at me.

  ***

  Max drove me to school on Monday. It had felt odd to wake up and to put my leotard and shorts on ready for a ballet class. Max had attempted to make breakfast, so it had become a do it yourself, yogurt and oats mixture. Cameron had appeared just before we left, he hugged me then watched us go.

  “Okay?” Max asked as we sat in the car outside of my school.