Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

“Nervous.” I said then looked at him and frowned, “and I don’t know why.” I added, he smiled as he squeezed my shoulder.

  “You’ll be fine.” He said softly, I nodded.

  “I know.” I replied, “so I don’t know why I’m nervous.” I added, he pushed my shoulder lightly,

  “Go on. Go to class. Cameron and I will be home when you get back definitely, then Frankie said you were welcome to stay at his tonight.” He said, I nodded to him then opened the car door.

  “I’ll see you later.”

  “Break a leg.” He replied, I laughed as I got out of the car and walked into the office.

  The lady smiled at me and let me in without questions, so I walked down to Arlo’s class. Dodging the second years as they ran down the corridor towards Miss Olivia’s studio. I let myself into Arlo’s studio, creeping in behind my class as they all stood on the barres. Arlo was focused on scrolling through the music, so I threw my bag against the wall, changed into my ballet shoes then went to take up my position behind Kian on the barre. He turned to look at me when I touched the barre, probably to tell me to move back, and away from him. He didn’t quite get the words out, instead he gasped happily then hugged me around my waist, picking me up as he did, so I began to laugh.

  “I have missed you. So much.” Kian said, “oh my god. You’re back.”

  “I’m back.” I said nodding, “for classes.” I added as he put me back onto my feet. “I’m not quite your board mate again, yet.”

  “Gutted.” He said, I smiled at him as he grinned back at me. “I’m so happy you’re back.” he said, then he spun to look towards Arlo as the warm up music began. I took a few steps back then began the sequence. Arlo smiled at me as he passed.

  “Nice to see you back Mr. Kennedy.” He said nodding to me as he continued to walk down the barre.

  Kian had grabbed my hand the moment Arlo had dismissed us. He didn’t even let me change my shoes before he began to run me down the corridor and towards Madame Rose’s class, where the girls were finishing their pointe work. We both peered through the door, watching as they moved through their jeté session.

  Madame Rose tapped her fingers against her elbow counting the beats until she clapped her hands, and the girls stopped, all standing in first position. Madame Rose said something, which I guess was dismissing them, as all the girls curtseyed to her then began to walk towards the barres to take their pointes off. Madame Rose turned towards the door, Kian and I ducked almost instantly, then began to laugh until the door opened to her on the other side. We both stood up straight as she looked between us.

  “Mister Cunningham.” She said, Kian smirked at her in a totally schmoozer kind of way, she sighed, then she looked at me. “Mister Kennedy, good to see you back.” she added, I nodded to her. “However, as neither of you are required at my pointe work class, neither of you should be here.”

  “No Madame, you are correct.” Kian said, I almost laughed as I looked at him. “But, as Jacob has only just returned, I thought Margo…” he said slightly louder, she turned towards the door, then stuffed her pointes into her bag to get out of the door. “Would like to see one of her best friends.” He finished, grinning at me as he did, I laughed. Madame Rose went to reply, then outwardly sighed when Margo appeared beside her.

  “Boys should not linger outside of girls classrooms.” Madame Rose said then walked away, Kian began to laugh as I was almost strangled in a hug by Margo.

  “Coming for lunch?” She asked, then she looked at Kian, I hesitated.

  “Not right now.” I said, then put my hand up before they began to shout at me. “I need to talk to someone.” I added, looking into the studio, both Kian and Margo looked into the studio also then began to nod.

  “Seat on our table. If it’s needed mate.” Kian said, then he sighed. “Make sure you eat something.” He added, so I looked at him. “You always need a full stomach to withstand the attack of a girl.” He added, then took Margo’s hand and began to walk to the canteen. I watched them go then turned back just in time to catch Abi. I reached out for her then withdrew my hand, I figured the last thing she wanted me to do was touch her.

  “Jacob.” She sounded surprised, “do you feel better?” she asked, I nodded slowly to her then I sighed.

  “I need to talk to you.” I said, she nodded once.

  “I think you do.” She replied, then sighed. “Lunch?” she asked, then she winced. “Sorry.”

  “Lunch.” I agreed, walking with her towards the canteen. We went through the food station together then she went to find a table as I picked up two bottles of water. I sat opposite her at the table. “I’m sorry I embarrassed you.” I said,

  “Oh, straight in there.” She replied surprised, I nodded to her.

  “I’m so sorry for shouting at you, for making a show of you and treating you as if you were… nothing.”

  “Was I nothing?” she asked, I shook my head,

  “No. Not at all, and I regret not telling you that.” I said, she looked down and away from me. “I’m sorry I ruined your virginity story.” I said, she laughed, so I looked directly at her.

  “What?” she said, she seemed confused.

  “Well, now all you’ll say is I lost my virginity to this dick, who acted like a complete tosser and ruined everything.” I said, she smiled and touched my hand.

  “No.” she said, I turned my hand so I could hold hers. “I’ll say it was with this really sweet, sensitive boy. Who got a little lost along the way.” She squeezed my hand. “I want to be your friend. Honestly. I want us to be friends, but it’s a bit difficult for me right now.”

  “I understand.” I said, because I did, Ash had whacked - in a metaphorical sense - empathy and compassion into me throughout our sessions. He told me that if I apologised it was likely Abi would forgive me, but I had to be ready for her not wanting to be in my life, or be close to me, at least not straight away. I had prepared myself for that, but it still hurt me a little.

  “I accept your apology.” She said, then she came around the table and kissed my cheek. “Thank you.” She added, I nodded to her. “Now, go and neutralise your nosy friends.” She said turning her head towards the table Kian and Margo were sat at, both looking in our direction. They both looked away the moment we looked over, pretending to talk to each other. We both laughed when I stood, picking up my tray as I did.

  “Don’t forget to be generous.” She said, I turned my head to look at her whilst holding my tray against my stomach, I almost instantly began to laugh.

  “As long as you’re generous too.” I replied, she smiled at me.

  “I always am.” She replied, I grinned then began to walk towards Kian and Margo. I slid my tray onto the table top then took a seat.

  “So?” Kian asked, I looked towards Abi as she took her empty tray to the clean-up station then left the canteen.

  “I think we’re going to be okay.”

  I actively searched out Frankie and Cory in Max’s studio after Cameron had fed me my tea. I found them, in the furthest studio as I’d ensured I didn’t come until I knew all the lessons were over, they were dancing together.

  Frankie was wearing his pointes whilst Cory danced on flat ballet pump. Their steps were perfect, their sequences flawless but they couldn’t have looked any more bored with what they were actually doing, I laughed as I leant on the doorframe watching them dance through Hold My Hand, the Pas De Deux section that they’d been doing in school assemblies since I was fourteen, at least. It was a beautiful dance, to beautiful music but they must’ve been sick of it by now. They kissed when it came to an end, then Frankie walked towards his water bottle, as Cory looked towards me, he smiled, so I smiled back.

  “We have the prodigy.” Cory said, Frankie began to laugh as he turned to look at me.

  “I’ve never had to babysit an eighteen year old before.” Frankie said, I pulled tongues at him, he did it back. “Did you enjoy school?” he asked, I nodded sighing as I did.

  “I
really did.” I said,

  “Do you want to dance?” Cory asked, I looked between them,

  “And look as bored as you both did.” I said, they both began to laugh as they looked at each other.

  “Or we can go home and order pizza.” Frankie said shrugging at me, I began to nod.

  “That sounds like a plan I can get on board with.” I said, they grinned as they began to pack up their things. They both put a pair of jogging bottoms on and a t-shirt then I walked down the stairs with Cory as Frankie locked every door behind us.

  “So, have your parents given you up for sex tonight?” Cory asked as we left the studio, I laughed.

  “Me being present has never stopped them beforehand.” I said, Cory smirked at me. “They’re weirdly open about their sexual conquests.”

  “Is that good or bad?” Cory asked, I cringed,

  “Totally depends on the context.” I said, he began to laugh as Frankie locked the front door.

  “Max has always believed sharing is caring.” Frankie said, I glanced at him as we began to walk to his car. “I think it’s because he grew up with five sisters.” He added. “There was always someone talking about boyfriends, and sex, and making a move that it’s been drummed into Max that girl gossip is mandatory.”

  “You’re as bad.” Cory said as he unlocked the car,

  “Excuse me, I’m allowed to talk to you about our sex life.” He said, I began to laugh as I climbed into the back, I plugged my seat belt in as they both got into the car. “I’m going to order the pizza now, so that it arrives quicker.” Frankie declared, then turned in his seat, passing his phone to me.

  “You’re revolutionary.” I said as I scrolled through the website and chose my pizza.

  We sat around the coffee table in Frankie and Cory’s living room with three individual pizza boxes covering the entire table top. I sat on the side that I could lean against the couch whilst Cory sat against the arm chair and Frankie against the wall, underneath the television.

  “You’re on your second term, right?” Frankie asked, I nodded to him as I tried to catch all my toppings from my pizza.

  “Scholarship.” Cory said, I frowned at him as Frankie nodded.

  “What scholarship?” I asked, they smiled at each other before looking at me.

  “Every year, the National runs scholarship auditions.” Frankie said, I nodded because I’d gotten that,

  “It’s gives the recipient of this scholarship, usually a boy and a girl, the chance to study their second year totally free of charge, anywhere in the world.”

  “Anywhere?” I asked, they both nodded.

  “Paris, New York, Russia, Australia. Wherever there is a ballet school, they can go.”

  “Shit.” I said, they smiled at each other. “Is that how you ended up in Australia?” I asked, Cory half nodded.

  “The firsts do scholarship auditions; the seconds do company auditions.” He said, I frowned. “Simply, there is an invigilator from every school, or near enough. So, Frankie danced for them first.” he said, Frankie nodded.

  “I didn’t get the scholarship.”

  “Shocker.” I said, they both nodded back,

  “It actually was. He was pretty much guaranteed to get it.” Cory said, “then the seconds dance for the same panel, but for a part in their companies. Nine times out of ten, everyone gets a company and a role, only about one in ten times does someone get a principal role.” He said, I nodded to him,

  “On the panel usually there’s someone from the Royal Ballet,”

  “Where you got your contract?” I asked, Frankie nodded.

  “Where I got my contract. Someone from the New York Ballet, someone from the Opéra national de Paris, someone from The Vaganova Academy in Russia, and someone from the Australian ballet school. In first, they decide whether you get a scholarship, and are usually the top choices for where you study.”

  “In second, they decide whether they want you.” Cory said, I looked at him.

  “The Australian ballet wanted you?” I asked, he nodded,

  “And the New York ballet, and the Russian ballet, and the Paris ballet…” Frankie said, Cory began to laugh.

  “So bitter.” He said, then began to tickle Frankie’s stomach, Frankie almost screamed as he scrambled away.

  “Why did you choose Australia?” I asked, Cory smiled.

  “It was the warmest.” He said, I laughed. “And having been friends with Sam, he sort of persuaded me to do it.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  “Not one bit.” Cory said shaking his head, “we were just guttered he didn’t get the scholarship.” He said looking at Frankie so I did.

  “Would you have chosen Australia?”

  “I’d have chosen wherever he did.” Frankie said, I smiled.

  “You guys are Pas De Deux partners, aren’t you?” I asked, they both responded with unsure noises, so I laughed. “You dance Pas De Deux together?” I said, they both nodded, “I just have a question, that’s all.”

  “What’s your question?” Cory asked, I looked between them,

  “How do you two separate sex from Pas De Deux?” I asked, Cory smirked so I sighed. “It’s so orgasmic, dancing Pas De Deux, or at least dancing Pas De Deux right…. I know from.” I said, then shook my head,

  “From?” Frankie asked, I sighed as I closed my eyes.

  “Before I, before I fainted, I slept with my Pas De Deux partner. After we’d danced together, now I’m worried I won’t be able to dance with her, so I was wondering how you separate it?” I asked, Frankie sighed.

  “We only began dancing together, after we’d slept together.” Frankie said, I moaned slightly. “And we began to dance together because we were sleeping together. Max might have a better answer.”

  “Cameron’s not a ballet dancer.” I said, Frankie shook his head,

  “No, but his first boyfriend was.” Frankie said, “and he managed to separate sex from dancing with Sam.” He said, I sighed.

  “Honestly.” Cory said, so I looked at him. “And this was drummed into me through Miss Olivia, Pas De Deux is an act. You isolate your feelings, your emotions, your love life and you dance.”

  “Obviously it’s not that easy. Pas De Deux is so intimate, and when you do it right, it’s exactly as you said, it’s orgasmic.” Frankie said, “Miss Olivia is understanding. She will swap your partner if you ask her too.” He said warily,

  “So, in other words. There’s no way out.” I said, they both shook their heads. “Well shit that is not what I wanted to hear.” I said, they both laughed. “Tell me more about Australia.” I said, “I’d like to hear more about Australia.”

  The spare room in Frankie and Cory’s was the equivalent of Max’s little box room that had more recently been infiltrated by me.

  It held all their performance pictures, their medals, their trophies and a shelf full of black pointe shoes, all of them Frankie’s. Seeing his was the reason I’d gotten my own pair of black pointes. Max had expressed his disinterest in them, and had told me a pointe shoe, was a pointe shoe regardless of the colour but Frankie had told me he preferred to wear black because it looked more like the ballet pumps males were supposed to wear rather than the pale pink pointes that were usually occasioned with ballerinas.

  Cory made me jump when I was stood looking at them, stood ready for bed, just reading their medals, their trophies, their grades, their certificates and examining each and every one of Frankie’s pointes, trying to figure out what had worn down the block, or split the soul.

  “Okay?” Cory asked, I nodded to him before I looked at him, “Cameron asked me to make sure you didn’t feel sick.” He said but he said it warily, it made me smile a little.

  “I’ve wrote in my food diary, but no I don’t feel sick.” I said, then I frowned at him. “I feel full.” I added, “which admittedly, is stranger, because this is definitely the first time in a good while I’ve felt full.” I said, he smiled although it didn’t quite reach his ey
es.

  “I’ll tell Cameron.” He said, I laughed as I looked behind myself at my phone, I’m sure a text would come through in next ten minutes or so, as Cameron and Max’s evening performance had definitely finished, and they’d be home pretty soon.

  “You’re definitely babysitting me.” I said, Cory shrugged.

  “Cameron and Max are worried about you.” He said, I nodded. “In a parental sense.” He added, I looked up at him, “Frankie and I are worried about you, in a ballet sense.” He said, I frowned. “Did we put too much pressure on you?” he asked, I shook my head almost instantly, “Prodigy.” He added, I sighed.

  “No.” I said, “no, you let me do ballet, you let me do it and love it.” I said, then I looked down, “but I was confused.”

  “Confused?” he asked, I began to nod.

  “When I started in school. None of you guys care about your weight.” I said, then looked up Cory shook his head almost instantly so I frowned at him.

  “Oh Jacob, we care about our weight.” He said, then he sighed and went to sit on the bed, I sat beside him. “I understand where you’re coming from right, Frankie and Max, they are both literally perfect ballet dancers.” He said, I nodded. “They have the right build, the flat stomachs, they’re even well endowed.” He said then sighed, I nudged my elbow against his, he looked at me. “It’s difficult to be around such perfection, and neither of them understand that, I’m not going to lie to you. They find it difficult to understand why, say I might find an imperfection with my body and be worried about it because…”

  “Because they’ve never had to deal with it.” I said, he nodded,

  “What made you aware of it?” he asked, I sighed.

  “Kian.” I replied, he nodded. “He calorie counts and works out; his body is fucking magnificent.” I said, Cory laughed.

  “How guttered are you that you gave him over to your best friend?” he teased, I smiled at him.

  “I touched myself over him a few times. I got my reward.” I said, Cory laughed. “He’s not actually my type.” I said warily, Cory smiled.

  “You can have a type. You don’t have to be worried about that.” He said softly, I nodded. “What is your type?” he asked, I laughed.