Light as a Feather

by Cameron James

  “Feminine guys.” I said, then I cringed. “Can I say that?” I added, Cory nodded so I laughed. “I like girls but only girls that are slightly,”

  “Tomboyish?” he asked, I nodded.

  “I feel like a bad bisexual.” I said, Cory laughed then covered his mouth so I smiled at him.

  “You know…” He said thoughtfully, “Frankie was pissed when I got so many company offers.”

  “And he didn’t get a scholarship?” I asked, he nodded softly.

  “The problem. I guess with our relationship, especially during school was that we were always competing. Even if we didn’t want to be, we were in competition with each other, and allegedly Frankie was the better out of the two of us.”

  “I don’t believe that.” I said, he seemed surprised, “at all actually. Reading them, you’re obviously the best.” I said pointing at the wall, Cory laughed as he looked at the wall himself.

  “The point I was trying to make…” he said, so I looked back at him. “Was that you’re not in competition with Max. Although I know you feel like you are. You’re not in competition with his dancing, his specialty, or his body. You are amazing Jacob.

  Outstanding even. You realise you have been doing ballet for four years, four years Jacob and you have a place in the National Ballet School. That’s almost incomprehensible.” He stated, I laughed. “You don’t get it? Do you?” he asked, I looked up seeing he wasn’t saying it harshly at all, so I shook my head. “Perspective.” He said, I nodded to him. “I started ballet when I was four. I trained until I was ten, and I got shit for it, but I stuck by it because…”

  “Because you love it.” I said smiling at him, he nodded to me.

  “I started in the Astaire Academy when I was eleven.”

  “Where you met Frankie.” I said, he hummed.

  “Not until I was seventeen.” He replied, then he laughed, “there’s a lot that happened between my first year, and my sixth.”

  “Understandable.” I said nodding, Cory laughed softly.

  “It’s quite difficult being in ballet school, and going through puberty late.”

  “Late.” I repeated, he nodded as he sighed.

  “It meant I wasn’t able to do Pas De Deux, as I was smaller than ninety percent of the girls. I was also pretty weak, given my muscles just were none existent. It’s why I didn’t actually progress onto pointe.” He said, I frowned at him. “I wasn’t strong enough to, or at least that’s what Madame used to tell me, I was not strong enough to do pointe, only demi-pointe. I was pretty much always never strong enough, always just okay and that’s hard. Especially when dating Mister Overachiever.”

  “You love Frankie.” I said, he nodded.

  “With all my heart.” He said simply, “I love that boy to death, but even though I would do anything for him, and I love him and know he loves me. It doesn’t stop me feeling imperfect next to him.”

  “You know before, when I asked how you separate sex from Pas De Deux?” I said, he began to nod.

  “Weirdly. I feel less conscious being naked with him, than I do dancing with him.”

  “Ballet is fucked up.” I said, Cory laughed.

  “Yeah, but isn’t that why we love doing it.” he said, I smiled at him. “I’m not going to tell you you’re perfect. Okay?” he said, I looked up at him, “because I think that’s wrong. You should never put perfection on someone. It can be damaging. It can ruin someone. So, you are not perfect. Not in any way Jacob.” He said, I looked at him, “but you are an amazing ballet dancer. You are loved, so, so loved, by Connor, by Max and Cameron, by Frankie and I.

  We all love you so much, we want you to succeed and you will. You’ve hit a bump in the road. We all do. For Max it was his first boyfriend.” He said, I nodded because I agreed. “For Frankie, it was when he broke his ankle.” He said, I winced, “for me, it was depression.” He said, I met his eyes. “But then, Max won gold. Frankie became a Principal. I, met Frankie.” He said, then he smiled at me. “You’re at a bump. You will overcome it.”

  “You think?” I asked, he nodded.

  “I know.” he replied, I looked down then I nodded.

  “Cory.” I said, he hummed at me, “you’re going to be an amazing Dad.”

  “You think?” he asked, I looked up and smiled at him.

  “I know.”

  ��

  Chapter 12

  “Jacob, we don’t want to do things too fast.” Ash warned, I sighed.

  “It’s been six weeks Ash.” I moaned, he nodded. “I want to board again.” I said,

  “I would rather you start back in Pas De Deux.” He said, I moaned at him. “Jacob. If you begin to board again, you will have to be in charge of your own meal times, and what you eat.” He said, I nodded.

  “I know. I’m ready.”

  “Jacob.”

  “You don’t think I’m ready.” I said, he shook his head.

  “That is not the problem. I’m concerned about the loss of support.”

  “Ash.” I said, he sighed then began to flick through his book, when he’d found whatever he was looking for, he began through my food diary.

  “Let’s talk about the last week.” He said, I closed my eyes.

  “Thursday was a blip.” I said, he nodded,

  “I’m a bit concerned that it followed you throwing up on Wednesday.”

  “I was sick.” I said, “Cameron will confirm that.” I added, “he gave me orange juice.”

  “It was Cameron’s fault?”

  “Yes.” I muttered, then I looked up. “The juice made me sick, and then I was just a bit… shook on Thursday. I didn’t eat and by the time I was aware I hadn’t eaten.” I sighed, “I’m ready Ash.” I said, he hummed then he rubbed his forehead.

  “I want you to go to Pas De Deux.” He said, so I nodded frowning at him waiting for his ultimatum. “But I want it to be a decision you and your parents make whether you are ready to begin boarding again.” He said, I sighed because I couldn’t figure out if that’d go in my favour or not. “Jacob, you understand, if you are going to board again, you will need to full board.” He said, I frowned.

  “Why?” I asked,

  “Because the instability of half boarding may cause you to relapse.” He said softly, I began to nod. “You can of course see Max and Cameron, don’t think I’m saying that you cannot see your family, you just need to get some stability, a routine, set meal times.” He said, I nodded.

  “But it’s up to Max and Cameron?” I asked, he nodded.

  “It’s up to Max and Cameron.” He replied, “and you start Pas De Deux.”

  “And I start Pas De Deux.” I repeated, he smiled at me, so I smiled back.

  Miss Olivia seemed happy to see me that afternoon, when I walked in behind Kian and began to put my shoes on whilst leaning on the barre behind me, she nodded once to me then clapped her hands, calling us all into the centre. I stood awkwardly in my allocated spot, whilst Abi also stood awkwardly. Miss Olivia clocked us straight away, so I looked at her, meeting her eyes as they scanned over us both, I saw the thought process behind her eyes then watched as they jumped, I followed them watching as Kian lifted Margo by wrapping his arms around her waist, he lifted her and made her scream with laughter, when I looked back at Miss Olivia she seemed less than impressed.

  “Jacob, Abi please.” She requested, I sighed and walked towards her, standing beside Abi. “Rest of you please go through the fish dive.” She said then looked at each of us in turn. “Your personal life stays at the door.” She said, I looked down as Abi sighed.

  “You know that’s the rule of class, your personal life always stays at the door. You come to dance and that’s it.” she said. “However, you are both still students.” She said, so I looked back up. “And sometimes, things in your personal life feel massive.” She said, “I don’t care what has happened. I don’t want to know what is going on between the two of you, or what has happened between the two of you. All I want to know is, do yo
u feel as if you two can work together?” she said, I looked at Abi who looked apologetic as she looked back at me.

  “No.” She said softly, I shook my head, letting out a deep breath as my heart was beating at about one thousand miles per hour at the thought of having to touch her.

  “Okay.” Miss Olivia said, then looked behind us, we both turned to look at Kian and Margo. “Gives me a good excuse to split them two up.” She said, then she clapped her hands.

  “Margo, Kian I am unimpressed with your unprofessionalism.” She said, the entire class looked towards them, “so, I will be splitting you up. Margo, from now on your will be dancing with Jacob, and Kian, Abi. I’m sorry Jacob and Abi as you were beginning to work really well with each other.” she said then she winked at us, as I walked back to my space, Margo came and stood in front of me.

  “Now Jacob,” she said, I nodded to her frowning at her lightly, “This is my waist.” She added touching her waist, I began to laugh.

  “Oh shut up.” I said as she turned and took my hands placing them on her waist.

  Max seemed unimpressed with the healthy opinion Cameron had placed in front of us. I was equally as unimpressed but hungry, so didn’t think it wise to complain.

  “What is this?” Max asked, Cameron sighed as he took his seat, he put some mayonnaise in the middle of the table.

  “Chicken, and salad.” Cameron said, he sounded defeated, because he knew that on the way back from Max’s studio we’d definitely stop for chips.

  “Great.” Max said, Cameron began to laugh, burying his face into his hands and shaking his head.

  “I give up with him.” He said, I began to laugh as I cut into the chicken.

  “I went back to Pas De Deux today.” I said, making Max and Cameron look away from each other and at me, “Miss Olivia swapped my partner, so I don’t have to worry about awkwardness.”

  “That’s good.” Max said nodding, I nodded back to him.

  “Ash thought you were ready?” he asked, I nodded,

  “He also wanted me to discuss with you…” I began then I took a deep breath, looking at them both in turn. “Me boarding again.” I said, Max began to nod as Cameron watched me, so I watched him right back.

  “How do you feel about it?” Max asked, I sighed.

  “I want to board again.” I said, “I do, really. You both did it, you both get it.”

  “Yes.” Cameron agreed, I could tell it was wary, I could also tell he was struggling with what else to say.

  “Jacob, you realise you’re going to be in charge of your own eating habits.” Max said, I nodded to him.

  “Yes, and I will have Ash on site, so I can go visit him whenever I need him, and Kian. Kian will not take his eyes off me.”

  “That’s a lot of responsibility for an eighteen year old Jacob.” Max said, I looked back at him.

  “Nineteen.” I muttered; he rolled his eyes.

  “Jacob.” Max warned, I sighed.

  “Please.” I said, then looked between them watching them both in turn. “Please let me board again. I need to. I need to be with my friends, I need to be fucking eighteen.” I said, they both sighed together perfectly, I figured that was what happened when you had been together for as long as Max and Cameron had, and then you stuck an eighteen year old son on top of it.

  “Come on guys.” I added, “you, you should defend me.” I said to Cameron, he frowned, “If you hadn’t been boarding at eighteen, doing all your eighteen stuff you wouldn’t have met Max.” I said, he laughed so I sighed until I began to laugh myself.

  “Jacob do you feel ready?” Max asked, I nodded, “and you promise to stay in touch, to talk to us, to talk to Ash.”

  “I promise.” I said, he began to nod, as Cameron shook his head.

  “If he gets up to what I was getting up to at eighteen whilst boarding, he isn’t boarding.” Cameron said, I saw Max’s smirk instantly.

  “I didn’t realise I was that bad of an influence on you.” Max said, Cameron moaned into his hands. “And I presume Jacob doesn’t plan on taking part in a musical that will end up with him having a lot of sex with a ballet dancer.” He said, it was my turn to groan as Cameron laughed happily.

  “I’ll be honest…” I said thoughtfully as I moved some lettuce pieces around my plate. “I do not plan on having sex. Much, or any for that matter.” I said, then glanced at Cameron, “which is slightly disappointing, no?” I said, he nodded once so I smiled.

  “Cameron and I will talk tonight. Okay?” Max said, I began to nod. “Then we’ll talk to you. We’ll come to a conclusion together okay? We’re not making a quick decision on this.”

  “Doesn’t my wellbeing come into this?” I asked, they both tutted at me,

  “Funnily enough Jacob, that’s our main concern.” Cameron said, so I sighed.

  “Except obviously when he’s serving us chicken and lettuce.” Max muttered, I smirked at my plate hearing Cameron’s sigh as I did.

  “You’re spending your night off from your dancing job. Dancing. I find that weird.” I said as I stood perfectly on line with Max, as we did arabesques.

  “I doubt you find that weird.” He replied, I laughed softly.

  “True. Actually.” I said, turned my head to look at him, he smiled back at me as I followed him out of our arabesques.

  “Ballon.” Max said, I frowned at his reflection. “Arlo said you struggled most with jumps. I was confused because that seemed odd to me, but…” he said then began to wave his hand at me so I began to jump. Laughing as he shushed me, telling me to make my landing softer. “Let’s try a petite Cabriole.” He said curiously, I looked back at him,

  “Are you trying to bruise my legs?” I asked, Max laughed shaking his head at me,

  “Do you remember them?” he asked, I waved my hand at him in an ‘unsure’ kind of way. “Okay…” he said then he smiled at me, moving to the middle the floor then lifting himself off the ground, he did a few, travelling across the floor until he stopped in front of me. “Ready?” he asked, I nodded to him, preparing then I began to move, closing my eyes and listening to him as he clapped his hands and said, “ka-bree-AWL, ka-bree-AWL, ka-bree-AWL.”

  “You worked me hard tonight.” I said as I chewed on the top of my water bottle, taking breaths between sipping my water, I heard his laugh so I looked in his direction as he put his joggers on.

  “Well, got to impress Arlo.” He said, then winked at me so I laughed softly. “Your strength is coming back Jacob.” He added, I nodded to him then took a bigger swig out of my water bottle. “I spoke to Cory.” He said, I frowned at him as I turned towards him.

  “We got a full update on their babysitting hours.” He added so I’d laugh, which I did because it was expected of me. “Look, I’ll be honest. It’s likely Cameron and I will agree that it’s right for you to start boarding again.” He said, I tried to bite away my excitement. “But I want you to remember something.” He said, then took my hand, turning me so I could look in the mirror, then he pointed at my reflection.

  “That, who you are looking at right now, is your only competition Jacob.” He said, I looked away from my reflection to look at him as he leant his head on my shoulder. “You are not in competition with anyone else, yeah, and you shouldn’t use other people as a benchmark for your progress. The only competition is what you see in the mirror.” He said, I looked back at my reflection.

  “You?” I asked, he shook his head, almost frowning at me through the mirror. “Me.” I said in a sigh, he nodded.

  “Do you remember when you were fourteen?” he asked, I looked down, “the first lesson you came in, in a leotard, with your shorts and your first pair of pointes.” He said, I nodded, he laughed a breathy laugh in my ear, “you stood in front of the mirror, right in this spot.” He said, I laughed.

  “I look like a real dancer don’t I Max? One day I’ll be bigger and I’ll be able to balance on my pointes, and I’ll be the best dancer, ever.” I said, Max nodded so I met his eyes i
n the mirror.

  “You weren’t in competition with anyone Jacob, you were just dead set on being the best, and you will be, if you get out of your head.” He said, I nodded to him, watching as his head moved with mine.

  “You are now bigger, you can balance on your pointes, and you do look like a real dancer.” He said, I slowed my nod until I turned towards him and hugged him.

  ***

  Kian liked to run on a Saturday. He usually went in the early hours of the morning, but depending on his Friday night the run could go on until eleven, or sometimes twelve.

  He wasn’t in the room when Max moved me back in that Saturday morning, but I had expected it to be that way. Max had attempted to stay longer but soon gave, after the fifth ding to his phone from Cameron who was reminding him he had a matinee in less than two hours.

  He squeezed me in a hug, reminded me to keep in touch then he left. Kian returned a few minutes later, his earbuds in, his hood up. He threw his hood down then looked up as he pulled his earbuds out. He gasped the moment he saw me sat on my bed, so I waved to him.

  “For good?” he asked, I nodded.

  “For good.” I replied, he laughed then came at me, scooping me up in a hug, the shortest hug I’d ever had with him,

  “I’m sorry. I’m quite sweaty.” He said shaking his head at me as he threw his earbuds onto his bed, I laughed.

  “I do not care. Hug me.” I said, so he did.

  He came to sit on my bed after he’d had a shower, his hair still dripping as he took his seat.

  “There’s so much to tell you.” He said, although he genuinely appeared confused for a moment, “I guess the most important one is Elijah’s coming to visit.”

  “Elijah?” I asked, he nodded then he smiled.

  “My best friend, who is currently studying in Australia, it’s his spring break, and he’s coming to visit because he loves me.”

  “So why is this a problem?” I asked, he laughed.

  “Because I offered him your bed.” He said raising his eyebrow at me, I gasped at him.

  “Not even cold.” I said, he began to laugh.