Insufferable Weight of Silence

by Huggins, Carrie

  "What did she do?" I ask.

  "She ratted you out faster than you could imagine. She told him were your daughters are." He says swallowing hard.

  "WHAT?" I shout.

  "She's been sneaking out and seeing someone for a couple days now, I didn't think anything of it because it's not unusual. I didn't know until just now, Brody's the guy she's been seeing". He replies but for some reason it feel likes he hiding something from me. "He's been asking her about his kids, here." He says and produces a phone from his pocket. I take it wondering what the hell he expects me to do with it. "Go to the texts and find Brandy, that's the name she was hiding him under."

  "Whose phone is this?" I ask noting the teal case.

  "Lily's."

  I do as he asks and open the tab for Brandy. There's several dirty messages and pictures the two of them sent to each other and then he slowly introduces my name and the girls into their conversation. He mentions he wants to take them back to Georgia and wants her to go too and the two of them can be a family with my girls.

  "Kaseton! My daughters! That's how he's going to hurt me. He's going to find them. He hasn't done anything to me yet because he's not looking for me. They're not his girls Kaseton, I swear. Please believe me." Tears sting my eyes and flood my cheeks.

  "Amity, you don't have to convince me of who their father is." He replies wounded. "I know about you and Declan, I've always known even before me and you first started dating. I also happen to know why you never came back. Call Hadley and tell her to keep an eye out for Lily." I scramble through my purse for my phone and pull it out.

  "Hey Hadley. What are the girls up to?" I ask.

  "Oh, they're fine. They're right here with me in the living room helping me put a puzzle together."

  "Lock your doors and don't answer to anyone. I figured out why Brody is in town, he's not after me...... He knows where they are."

  "What? How! Who told them?" She asks worried.

  "Please just do what I say."

  "Lily!" She seethes. Wow that was quick. She's going to make a great detective. "They'll be fine, Amity, me and Giana have them and mom and dad are here too."

  "I'll be there in a little bit with Kaseton."

  "Where's Declan?" She asks.

  "I don't know." I cry.

  "It's ok Hun, you really need to have more faith in Dex, he can handle his own. I'll see you in a little bit."

  "Ok." I reply and hang up the phone.

  Kaseton makes it to Hadley's and Giana's house as fast as he can. I hurry out of the truck and run up to the door. I need to see my babies. I need to hold them and feel them in my arms. When I reach the door I bang on it until Mac opens it up.

  "They're fine, honey." He says as he let's us in.

  "Mommy!" They both shout excitedly.

  "Hey princesses. Have y'all been having fun?" I ask trying my best to stay calm for them.

  "Yes. We made cookies with Binx and Aunt Gigi and now we're putting a puzzle together with Aunt Hadley and Papaw." Delaney says.

  "Wow! That does sound like fun." I say to them.

  My phone rings, I reach for it and see it's Declan.

  "Hello."

  "Where are you?"

  "With the girls at Hadley's and Giana's."

  "Have Kaseton bring you to to his house and tell Hadley to take the girls to mom and dad's for the night. I'll see you there in thirty minutes. Love you. Be careful."

  "Ok, love you too." I say.

  I explain everything to everyone as calmly as I can. Everyone does as they're told and within minutes we're all leaving. A short while later we arrive at Kaseton and Lily's.

  Kaseton hurries us in the house to where Jason, Jeremy, and Lily are sitting at the table. Lily is crying but she doesn't fool me. She isn't that great of an actress. She's had it out for me since we were kids.

  "Tell her what you did!" Dex demands angrily to Lily. She doesn't say anything but continues to cry. "TELL HER!" Dex shouts.

  "He just came up to me and was asking me questions." She sobs. I sit down next to her and look her in the eyes I don't know why but I even kind of feel sorry for her, she doesn't know what she's got coming. "What did he ask you Lily? I need to know and don't hide anything." I say all too kindly and hold up her phone. "You've already lied once. You didn't just meet him tonight." She's tries to reach for her phone but I pull it back away from her.

  "He just wanted to know where his daughters were. He said that you kidnapped them and took them out of the state and he wanted them back safe where they belonged so I told them you left them with Declan's sister." I slammed her phone down on the table in front of her not releasing my grip on it, she jumps in her seat and tries to move away but I grab her chin forcing her to look at me.

  "Are you stupid or something? They aren't his daughters, they're Dex's. They're 6 years old about to be seven. Do the math, we messed around at the bonfire after I jerked your ass down to the ground." I say trying to make her understand. "I don't see how it's any of your business but do you need a blood test? Declan is their dad, I met Brody when they were almost four." I shout at her. "Have you actually looked at them or were you always too fucking busy trying to figure out how to piss me off to notice anything else?" I scream. She tries to pull her face from my hand but I grip her jaw tighter.

  "Y'all are just going to stand there and let her do this to me?" Lily says muffled. I angrily glare around at the room full of our friends daring them to say something.

  "Nah, my girl has it covered, sweetheart." Jason grins.

  "Honey, I haven't even begun!" I smile at her. "If anything happens to my babies so help me, god." I gesture to all of them standing around us. "None of them will be able to pull me off of you. I hope that's clear. You couldn't fathom the shit he put me through for 3 years." I seethe.

  "He didn't do anything to you, he said you would say that." She bites out.

  "I bet he did, so I'm going to fill you in on all the rest he failed to mention. One night he broke my jaw and my arm when he beat me in front of my daughters because Delia stepped in front of the TV. Did he tell you that? Did he tell you that his favorite thing to do is force himself on you and inside you? Then when he has you where he wants you, he wraps his hand around your neck and squeezes until you pass out just so he can get off.

  Oh, how about the time he punched me in the face and broke my teeth. Where do you think all those bruises came from that I showed up with? He also broke two of my ribs the night before I got here because Delaney tripped and spilled a glass of water. I've been through so much, a weak little parasite like yourself wouldn't have survived. I hope you know what you've done now that you have fucked with the wrong mom. When I said you wouldn't like the person I would become if you messed with Dex it was in a completely different realm then messing with my children." I push her face way from me and stand up.

  "Lily, you know what the saddest part of all this is? Even after what you've done, if I knew he tried to do something like that to you. I would stand in front of you and take what ever Brody dealt because I already know what it feels like. I'm done letting him break me down." I look at Jason, Jeremy, Kaseton, Amber and Declan for the first time, they're staring at me ghost white and pained at what they just heard.

  "That was the last straw, I don't ever want to see you again, Lily." Kaseton seethes. I storm from the kitchen into the living room and plop down on the couch wishing I had somewhere else to go. Anywhere but here.

  A little while later Amber comes in where I am sitting and sits down beside me. She wraps her arms around my middle and hugs me so tight she hurts my ribs.

  "I think you're pretty damn awesome." She whispers. I laugh in response not knowing what else to do.

  "Did he really do all that to you?" She asks sadly.

  "That and more." I reply.

  "I'm really sorry, Amity."

  "Don't be, you didn't do anything."

  Amber and I sit there for a while talking about nothing in particular when Jeremy
and Declan walk in the room. I know Jeremy doesn't want to be there by how uncomfortable he looks, but his wife is here with me.

  "Y'all want to join us. We can make room." I tease patting the couch trying to lighten his mood. Amber chuckles behind me.

  "I'm down." She laughs.

  "We're going to stay here tonight, if you don't mind, Kase? It's closest to them and Mac and Martha's. Jason is there too." Jeremy says.

  "No of course I don't mind."

  "Y'all go home, I think y'all have some things to sort out. Dex looked as surprised as the rest of us did when you were ripping into Lily." She says as she exits the room with Jeremy in tow.

  "Did you find him?" I ask quietly now that we're back home in our room. Declan sloughs off his clothes and crawls into bed with me but keeps his distance.

  "He was gone by the time I reached Lily." He replies.

  "Dex...."

  "Yea, baby girl?"

  "Do you want to talk about the things I told Lily?"

  "No, Amity, I don't."

  "There's more." I inform him.

  "I can't listen to it, Amity, I'm serious. I don't need to hear it or I'm going to tear myself apart trying to cope with it all. I should have been there for you and I wasn't. I should have gone after you or tried harder to get you to stay but I didn't. I didn't do anything and I let you leave to go and get caught up in that. I feel responsible for letting you leaving and if I hear anything else I'm going to walk out the door and not come back until I kill him. Please, don't tell me anything else."

  "Will you hold me?" I ask scared of rejection. He turns on his side and reaches out for me gripping me tightly and pulling me into him so hard I can barely breathe. I don't fight him knowing he needs it just as much, if not more than I do.

  All I want is what he's doing which is to give me my safe place. It doesn't take long for me to fall asleep next to him.

  Chapter 13

  He tossed and turned all night constantly waking me up. If it wasn't bad enough that I was on edge after finding out what Brody was up to o top of knowing this morning I'm getting married and this evening Dex is fighting, all my nerves are shot. I leave him still asleep, take a quick shower and change into my black and red American Psycho beast mode baseball shirt, skinny jeans I rolled at the bottoms and pulled all my hair back in a big teased poof, topping it off with a red bandana and red converse. I don't know why but today was a rockabilly kind of day, because I feel rockin'. I'm finally going to marry my best friend and then our night cap is a MMA fight. My soon to be husband's in fact. I headed down stairs and out the front door to visit with my gorgeous babies.

  "Hey, Ma! Hey Mac! Jason! How are the girls?" I asked.

  "Still sleeping, Hun. What are you doing up so early?" Mac asks as he pats the seat next to him. I graciously take the chair aside him and Jason hands me a cup of coffee.

  "Thanks," I smile up at him. "I couldn't sleep." I tell Mac. "Declan was tossing and turning all night. Something's got him worked up but with so much going on today and yesterday there's no telling what. How is he before fights?" I ask them both.

  "Usually either extremely calm or extremely excited. Depends on the other fighter." Jason replies.

  "What would that be?" I ask. "The depends on the fighter, thing." I add to clarify.

  "Well if he knows he's going to win, he's calm because there isn't a challenge he's almost disappointed. If he's excited it's ‘cause he thinks it's going to be a challenge." Mac answers. I take a sip of my coffee and note it's rather strong so I add a bit of creamer and sugar. Stirring my cup, I can't help but ask.

  "Are we rushing things?" I quire not looking up at them. "I mean we've known each other all our lives and I love him, my god I love him so much. We've changed though. I've gone through a lot that's changed my perspective of men and he's grown up. I feel like if I was in his shoes I wouldn't forgive me. Are we making a mistake?"

  Mac reaches over and pats me on the hand.

  "Sweetheart what's there to forgive?" He smiles. Seriously? I've kept his granddaughters from his son for almost six years and brought all this chaos with me!

  "I know what you're thinking but you shouldn't think of it like that. You're here now, you gave him two beautiful daughters that seem unaffected and have such huge forgiving hearts. You love our son and that's more than what we could ever ask for. So what! Y'all took a break. You left for school and he went back to re-enroll and double major. I don't see anything wrong with y'all both doing some growing up apart before being together."

  Growing up? I don't really see how I have, if any at all. I have yet to make one rational grown up decision that hasn't put myself or anyone else in danger. Real, physical danger.

  "Stop it!" Martha blurts. I jump in my seat and frown at her. "Since the day you were born Declan was right there. He was only three but I'll be damned if he didn't already think you hung the moon. Y'all have been attached at the hip since. I was surprised that y'all hadn't done anything sooner as close as the two of you were. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you were 17 before you both got stupid but I have two amazing grand-babies. Mac and I have always loved you and thought of you as a daughter and everyone knows your parents raised you right. You're only thinking to much into it because you're finally opening a new chapter in your life and that scares the hell out of any rational person. I'm glad y'all spent a few years apart but I'm even more happy you're back and I know he is too by the look on his face. I've never seen him so happy."

  "Thanks mom. I swear it's not the whole getting married thing, well kind of because it's a big step but I just don't want to hurt him. There's so much he doesn't know and it's not for my lack of trying. He doesn't seem to want to know. We're trying to be honest with each other and if he asked about what happened when I was away I would tell him..."

  "I don't want to know because it hurts to much to think someone did those things to you and my daughters witnessed it all." Dex chimes in from behind me. "After you told Lily what Brody is capable of last night I almost lost it. I was up all night reeling about the shit I heard you say." I hang my head ashamed at the mess I got myself into because I was selfish. The last thing I want is to be separated from Dex again because he's gone to prison for my actions.

  "Are you going to be ok tonight?" I ask worried about his fight. He's going to be exhausted and I don't want him to get hurt.

  "I'll be fine." He answers.

  "Y'all crazy kids get out of here. Hadley and Giana will be waking up soon and if they find out y'all are impeding on their time with the girls, neither of them will be happy." Mac jests. I stand and walk to Mac and give him a hug and then Martha.

  "Love you guys. Thanks for the coffee and chat." I say to them. Dex pulls me into his side.

  "I fucking love you woman but if you walk out of the house alone again I'm going to lock you up." He says in all seriousness.

  ******

  Declan pushes the door open for me and I nervously walk in the small office. My eyes gloss over when I see all the smiling faces of my friends and his family members staring back at me.

  "You didn't really think we would miss your wedding did you?" Amber beams back excitedly.

  I nodded and wipe my eyes. "Thank you." Delaney and Delia squeeze between Jeremy and Hadley and run up to us with huge grins on their faces. I lean over and pick Delaney up and Declan does the same to Delia.

  "Mommy you marry daddy right now!" Delia demands. I giggle at her sassy tone.

  "Yes, ma'am." I reply.

  "Ok thank you." She grins.

  "Y'all ready?" Judge Ingram, Kaseton's dad, asks. Declan and I both look at each other and put the girls down who run to Jeremy. I grab onto his hand and nod.

  "We’re all here today to celebrate the life long relationship of Amity Grace Mason and Declan Everett Xylander and to the surprise witnesses and supporters of the commitment they share with one another. Together we’re a group of the most important people in their lives and they’ve brought us here to recognize that we
’ve all played some special part in the love they share today whether the bride knew about them being here or not." He chuckles.

  "There were none more important in influencing the lives of Amity and Declan than their parents. With that being said, who gives Amity away in marriage to this man?" My heart sinks. My parents aren't here to give me away. Jason clears his throat and everyone looks in his direction as he whispers to the girls.

  "We do." Delaney and Delia chime in unison. Declan winks at the girls and I smile kindly at them.

  "Amity and Declan, the vows that you are about to make are a way to share your love and commitment to each other in your own words. These vows are your way of openly declaring your promise to one another as well as to all of those who are here in attendance today. Amity, ladies first." Judge Ingram says looking at me.

  "Declan, I promise from this day forward I will be in you're corner of the cage. I will walk by your side through the fights and struggles life will throw at us and I will be there for you to kiss your bumps and bruises away when the matches are over. I will always confess my undying elephant shoes. I will clean up after you and our girls and lay your clothes out in the morning and I promise I won't make you eat my cauliflower pizza too often. Declan, you are the first and only person I have ever truly loved and you will forever be my last." I vow.

  Judge Ingram turns to Dex, "Declan." He gestures.

  "Amity, I promise to be your safe place. I promise to protect you and our girls until my very end. I will spoil you, cherish every little hair on your beautiful head, and make sure you always bare that beautiful smile. I will spend every second of everyday of my life making sure you know how much I elephant shoes you. I'll even pretend I like your cauliflower pizza." He laughs. "You have always only ever been my only." He whispers. I raise both my eyebrows at him and cock my head to the side. He uttered those words to me years ago after I gave my self to him. It touches me that he was right, he remembers everything from that night, as he had said.