Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  "You okay?"

  "No!" I blurt without hesitation, but with Mark I can speak openly. "Leo's here, Ben's with Maddy, and my heart is literally exploding." I shrug and he hugs me.

  "I'm sorry."

  "Don't be, it's my fault." I shrug again and leave him in the kitchen with Jessica. As I walk through the living room, I hear Ben's car start and instinctively look out the window and, as they drive off, I see Maddy in the passenger seat. I feel so jealous it makes my head spin.

  I've lost him. There's no doubt about it. I made my choice. Sure, I was under pressure, but I made my decision and he’s moved on. There’s no going back now.

  32

  "Ben, honey, slow down." I know she’s talking, but I don't understand a word of what she's saying.

  After all this time, Maddy's sitting next to me. She may be still beautiful but she's lost her charm. She’s showing off an engagement ring with a rock the size of a grape on her left hand and I don’t care. She could be dripping in jewels from head to toe and I still wouldn't care. She made her choice a long time ago. It was hypocritical and served only her best interests. She wanted to be the kept woman of a rich, important man who lavished gifts on her and that's what she got. I wasn't right for her, but here she is, in my car, and if this shit with Cat hadn’t happened, I'd bounce her ass right back to Chicago. Because that's what you do when you love someone else and want to protect him.

  Her voice irritates me, the way she plays with her hair irritates me, her perfume...irritates me.

  Cat, on the other hand, infuriates me. Seeing her with her boyfriend made me so mad I'm now speeding through the streets of Orlando with Maddy at my side. All that counts is getting away from her and her boyfriend.

  Just thinking about the look of indifference on her face when I entered the kitchen makes me want to smash the car. I won't, obviously, but instinctively, I want to put my foot down, close my eyes, and see what happens.

  "I didn't think you'd let me stay over," Maddy says, bringing me back to reality as she turns down the volume of “Let It Die” by Starset.

  Nope, me neither. And if things were different, there was no way I would have offered.

  "No problem. You sleep over tonight, tomorrow you’re gone." I hope my icy tone hits her straight in the heart.

  "You're still pissed at me, aren't you?"

  "Nah, sorry, but you're not the center of my world today," I snap impatiently. There's only Cat in my thoughts, my heart, my head, my veins.

  "So, why are you taking me for breakfast?" Her sexy voice makes my stomach twitch. How could I have fallen in love with such a fake-ass?

  "For a million reasons...all wrong" The filter between my brain and my mouth is totally screwed, just like my relationship with Cat. That's if you can call it a relationship.

  It wasn’t really a relationship…more like three months of pleasant distraction. She was never mine, not completely.

  "You're so cold, Ben." Maddy looks over at me and I look at her.

  "Yeah, I'm an ass, didn't you know?"

  Blondie. Leonardo. I can't think of anything else.

  "No, you're not, you never have been," she whispers, leaning in close. She strokes my face with her slender fingers and I can't help laughing.

  "Right, you were the shitty one, weren't you?" I've never spoken to her like this before, I was always too scared of losing her. What a fool, pretending to be someone I'm not, just to keep a woman. Then again, I can't keep a woman even when I'm myself. Not one that I really like. "I'm throwing a party tonight. After breakfast we'll go shopping."

  Maddy's over twenty-one. I can use her ID to buy booze. She can make herself useful for once.

  "Hello?" I pull my phone from my pocket and answer without even checking who it is, partly because there's a corner of my heart that hopes it's Blondie. All I want right now is to hear her voice asking me to come back.

  "If you're looking for trouble..." It's Kris, fucking with me. I shake my head, annoyed.

  "What did I tell you, Kris? They all come back, eventually. Too bad it happens when you no longer give a fuck." And I don't care if Maddy realizes I'm talking about her.

  "Don't make the situation any worse than it is. Bring her back here, give her the kick in the ass she deserves. By the way, I heard you managed to keep your cool this morning, like you promised." His sarcasm makes me laugh.

  "Yeah, you would have been so proud," I joke. "Well, I'm throwing a party tonight and need someone to buy the booze." I don't add, 'Then I'll kick her out', but I don't need to.

  "Those good ideas of yours just keep on coming, Carter, don’t they?! Getting drunk with Maddy on one side and Cat on the other! I'll be at your place to give you a hand around five and I'll spread the word."

  "See you then." I end the call, already regretting telling him about the party. It really is a bad idea.

  We get home with twenty bags full of booze. Blondie's car is still parked in the driveway next to Jessica's and my heart starts pounding again. Mark walks out of their house, coming toward us, and I don't like the look on his face.

  "We're having a party tonight. Tell the guys."

  "Yeah, Kris called me. I'm not sure it's a good idea."

  "You got nothing better to do than be a pain in my ass?" I comment acidly, handing him four bags of vodka.

  Maddy slips her hand into my pocket and pulls out my keys. I've hardly spoken to her and she's been sulking since we ate breakfast at a coffee shop in town. I guess she thought she could walk back in and call the shots, but I can barely stand to have her near me, and if she thinks I’m going to apologize for treating her bad, she can think again.

  "Ben, what the fuck are you playing at?" Mark looks at me like he doesn't understand, yet it seems pretty simple to me. Blondie chose her boyfriend and broke my heart. I just want to party and get her out of my head. Classes don't start till Tuesday and I'm free to do what I want and I want to have fun and try to not think about her for a few minutes.

  "What do you think? I'm getting on with my life. I'm not freaking out, I'm keeping my distance."

  "Yeah, sure. Anyway, if you're interested, she's in the kitchen watching TV...on her own. Leonardo's asleep."

  I stare at him for a few seconds and am about to tell him I don't give a fuck, when my feet start moving by themselves, propelling me into my neighbor’s family room.

  Cat's curled up in the armchair, clutching the remote. Her eyes are closed and she doesn't realize I'm here. I take a minute, breathe deeply, then crouch down in front of her and lightly touch her leg, startling her slightly.

  Her eyes are still red from crying and my heart suddenly stops. She looks at me and her bottom lip begins to tremble. "This is your payback, isn’t it?"

  I close my eyes for a few seconds and mentally count to five. "No. I'm just trying not to go crazy." I can't be more honest than that.

  "You said she could sleep over at your house," she reminds me, wiping away a tear. She looks so beautiful and helpless, I want to yell.

  "I don't want her. I want you." I grab her arm and make her stand up. I hug her so hard I fall back into the armchair, dragging her down with me. She tries to get free but she needs to feel my arms as much as I need to feel her.

  "Ben, please. Leonardo's in the next room. Don't do this to me."

  I'd never hurt her, I'd never let Leonardo find out about us, not like this. He seems like a nice guy and, anyway, he doesn't deserve to see us together, not now, not ever. But holding her in my arms, smelling her apricot-scented hair, it's the only thing that makes sense. "One minute," I whisper against her neck, but she can't relax. I hold her even tighter until she lets a sob out against my chest.

  "I'm sorry it had to end like this."

  End? Nothing's ended. We hadn’t even begun.

  "What do you mean?" I forget to count to ten and lift her face from my chest, looking her straight in the eye.

  "No, not again!" she warns, getting to her feet.

  "I'm trying to underst
and you, honestly, but you're making everything so fucking difficult." God knows how, but somehow I manage to control my voice.

  "It took you five minutes to move on. What exactly are you trying to understand? What is it that your brain can't figure out?" Her voice is low as she hisses those fatal words in my face.

  "Right now he's in your bed! Do you really want to talk about my behavior?" I stand up and lunge at her. She holds out an arm to keep me at a safe distance.

  "Ben! He's sleeping. And I was in here, crying like an idiot when I should have been with him."

  "Don't even think about it. You will not sleep with him. Not now, not ever."

  My friends are always around here, poking their noses in my business, but when I really need them, they disappear. I know I'm about to fuck up again. Where the hell is Mark?

  "No? Where am I going to sleep, then? With you and Maddy?" she challenges, her yellow eyes full of rage and I just want to kiss her.

  "You want a threesome, Princess?" Oh, God. Someone stop me!

  "You’re such a dick!" she bursts out, drying the last of her tears. "Get out! Go on, go to her. Have fun tonight, I know I will."

  I want to throw her over my shoulder and take her away. "Yeah?" My back stiffens even more as I tower over her, she's so small. "Something tells me you'll be thinking of me, though."

  She smiles viciously. "I didn't think of you an hour ago when I was with him, believe me, I certainly won't be thinking of you tonight."

  Her words hit me like a sucker punch. She's already slept with him? They already had sex? No, it's impossible.

  Obviously, my legs have a life of their own today because I turn and walk out through the patio doors so fast I don't even realize I'm home until I see Mark.

  I'm fuming. I grab a beer from the refrigerator and pull the cap off with such force it goes flying into the wall.

  Maddy's busy putting the shopping away. I grab her hand. "You coming with me?" and drag her into my bedroom, slamming the door shut.

  "What’s going on?" she asks sullenly. That voice. All I want her to do is take her clothes off, open her legs, and shut the fuck up.

  I take her face in my hands and kiss her aggressively, just the way she likes. I pull away and drink my beer in one long gulp. I want to make her pay for using me for almost two years, for lying to me, for leaving me broken hearted. I want to make Blondie pay, too, for thinking she could do the same.

  I take her hand, the one with the enormous engagement ring that seems to mock me, and put her finger in my mouth, licking her ring. I know she'll let me fuck her, I can tell by her eyes that's all she's been waiting for. I slip her ring off and toss it onto the nightstand.

  "Ben, what are you doing?" She's already breathless. I can't stand the sound of her voice so I slip my tongue into her mouth again. I know what she likes, what turns her on, and I've got all afternoon to refresh her memory.

  I pull her shirt off and fling it across the room, then take the rest of her clothes off. Her skin is warm but not as smooth as Cat's. She smells sweet but not as exciting. I push her up against the dresser and pull my shirt off, then reach for a condom from the drawer. There's too much light, her green eyes are watching me excitedly and I know she's ready to spread her legs. I have to close my eyes because seeing her like this brings back all those memories I thought I'd erased.

  I don’t waste time taking my jeans off, I just push them down. She deserves to be fucked without feelings or emotion. Blondie's voice echoes in my head, "I didn't think of you an hour ago when I was with him..." Good for her, because I can't get her out of my head.

  I turn the music on, turning up the volume to the max, trying to focus on the song but “Stay Away” by Honorary Title doesn't help. I want to lose myself inside Maddy, forget all about the world, forget how this is all so fucking wrong. I put the condom on and am happy to see my dick isn't connected to my heart or brain. It can tell it's about to get some action and does its duty.

  I grasp Maddy by the hair and kiss her hard. She doesn't taste of strawberry or mint or cinnamon. She doesn't taste of anything.

  I turn her around and enter her from behind, forcefully, until she moans so loud she drowns out the music.

  I touch her how she likes to be touched, as if I were on automatic pilot, and she spreads her legs as I sink into her.

  I don't feel any better once we're done. I didn't feel any better when we fucked the first time, up against the dresser, or the second time in the chair by my desk or even the third time when I came in her mouth.

  How could I fall in love with a woman like that? She has zero guilt. She let me take off her engagement ring and underwear without a second thought.

  Hot water from the shower pounds my head, like slow, tiny punches. That's what I deserve, a couple of well-aimed punches.

  I wrap a towel around my waist and go back to my room. Maddy is still naked in my bed and she gazes up at me hungrily. "You owe me an orgasm, Mr. Carter."

  Yeah, not in this life, baby. I'm never going to touch her again.

  "Get dressed, Maddy. Kris will be here soon and I need to get ready."

  I get a weird kick out of treating her like an object. I guess that's how she felt about me when we were together: nothing. That's why it was so easy for her to climb into my bed for sex, without giving a damn about me or what I felt.

  She looks disappointed as she gets out of bed. She has an amazing body, don't get me wrong, but she's so clichéd it makes me laugh.

  I notice movement out of the corner of my eye, and the temptation to turn around is so strong that I can't help staring out the window. Blondie's leaving the house, hand in hand with her boyfriend. She's wearing the same blue dress she wore on Thanksgiving at my mom’s house, just three days ago, and the skirt bobs up and down as she walks. Her hair's pulled back in some sort of up-do, her lightly-tan skin shimmers in the sun and I'm jealous like I've never been before. Her boyfriend is dressed elegantly in jeans, and a pale-blue shirt topped off with a well-cut blue jacket. I'm man enough to admit he's a good-looking guy, and in love with her enough to want to race out of the house and smash his face, ruining his good looks forever.

  She gets in the car without giving my house a second glance, like I don't even exist. He leans toward her and says something, pointing at the dashboard, then he laughs and she looks away, annoyed.

  Don’t go! Don’t go! Don’t go!

  I can't take my eyes off her. I know they've had sex. Last night she was in my arms and today she was in his. Maddy knocks something over and I jump, realizing she's still there. Blondie was with me last night and I spent today with Maddy. We'll never be able to forgive each other now, that's the truth. I'll spend the rest of my days wondering what life would have been like, if I’d shared it with her.

  The car pulls out of the driveway and she still doesn't look over here.

  I grab a pair of cargo shorts and a white tee from the dresser. Maddy locks herself in the bathroom and I hope she stays there all night. Why the hell did I say she could sleep over? I should have left her out on the street.

  "Happy now?" Mark’s at the kitchen table, his face immersed in a bowl of milk and cereal that he probably stole from the neighbor’s since we never have anything to eat around here.

  Jessica gets up from the couch and sits down next to my brother. I never even noticed she was there. "You know what, Ben? You can be really stupid sometimes." Her eyes meet mine and I don't think I've ever seen her so serious.

  "Great, my brother and my best friend are about to give me another free lesson that I never asked for on how to live my life. You going to give up sometime soon?" My sarcastic tone irritates me, too.

  "No one's trying to tell you how to live, Ben, but Maddy? Really?"

  "What's wrong, Jessica? Tell me why the fuck you care so much about who I sleep with." It's the same old story, over and over.

  "I don't care. It's got nothing to do with me, but while you were busy fucking that total bitch, Cat was...You know what?
You don't deserve to know what Cat was doing. You've gone too far this time, Ben. She was yours and now you've lost her."

  What the fuck is she talking about?

  Mark tosses the empty plastic bowl into the sink and shakes his head. He's about to leave, but I grab hold of his arm, forcing him to stop. "Cat was...?" I spit. Why don't they just tell me?

  "Cat was yours," Mark replies. "And you really don't deserve her."

  He glares at me defiantly and I'm this close to slamming him against the wall.

  "Oh, look! Benjamin Carter about to punch someone! Wow, never seen that before!" Kris sneers and I force myself to calm down. We had a fight a couple of years ago and he beat the shit out of me, not an experience I'd like to repeat anytime soon.

  I let go of my brother's arm and count to a thousand in my head. Unable to make eye contact with any of them, I open another beer and go out onto the patio.

  I take out my cell phone and call Blondie's number, but she doesn't answer. I try again, once, twice, but each time I get sent to voice mail.

  There's a good chance I'll go crazy tonight.

  33

  "Caterina, this car's a wreck. I'm amazed Luca let you buy it." He laughs again, annoying me even more. The next comment he makes about my beautiful Wrangler, I'll kick him out, make him walk home.

  "Are you going to keep this up till Thursday?" I'm already in a bad mood. Not with Leo so much, but Ben’s been calling me insistently and I've had to put my iPhone on silent so Leo doesn't notice.

  I let Ben think I'd slept with Leonardo, he should have known I only said it to provoke him. And what did he do? The one thing I'll never be able to forgive: he slept with Maddy.

  The very first time he spoke to me was to scold me for leaving my bedroom curtains open while I got changed. It seems pretty obvious that if he can see into my room, then I can see into his. Or perhaps he deliberately left his curtains open, so I’d know he was screwing his ex.