Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  "Really! You've never heard of Chatham's Place?" Leonardo asks. "It's one of the best restaurants in Orlando. I checked it out on the internet."

  "I already told you, I don't go out very often, and anyway, I don't go to flashy restaurants." Who would I go with anyway?

  "Yeah, I got it. You only go out on Friday nights and hit those two bloody pubs on campus. I can see it now, kids getting shit-faced on shitty music."

  "They're perfectly normal pubs!" His presumptuous tone irritates me further. "The music’s live and it's awesome. Did I tell you Mark and Ben play there every Friday with their band?" I know I've never told him but I don't care. I'm so angry at the whole world right now, that anything could come spewing out of my mouth.

  "No, but then again, you’ve hardly told me anything the last few months." He stares at me, intimidating me a little.

  "They're really good! They're playing for my birthday so you'll hear them." I turn around long enough to meet his gaze. Why the hell am I provoking him like this?

  "Actually, I'd organized a surprise for your birthday."

  "We'll do it the day before because I…"

  He suddenly interrupts me. "…I haven't seen you for three months and I have to share you with your friends? Sorry for thinking I might take precedence! Fuck their music, or whatever it is."

  "In the last three months they have been everything to me, a family. Don't forget, the one all alone on the other side of the world was me, not you. They've worked their asses off to organize Wednesday night and I refuse to cancel."

  He drums his fingers on his thighs. "You've changed so much I hardly recognize you."

  "Changed? Because I don't want to let my friends down?"

  "No, because of how you speak. You're so aggressive, Tata! Do you want me to go back to Italy? It doesn't seem like you want me around anyway."

  My stomach aches. I'm hurting him and it's not fair. "Of course not. I'm sorry, really. I just wasn't expecting this surprise visit, I've missed you."

  Words I don't mean drip from my lips. I pull up at the entrance to the upmarket restaurant and flop back against my seat. There's a car in front of us. "These past few months have been stressful. You're the most familiar thing I've seen since my dad left at the end of August. I don't mean to take it out on you, I'm sorry. Can't we celebrate on Tuesday instead? Just us?"

  Leonardo leans forward in his seat and kisses me tenderly. I want to scream. When I saw him this morning my heart filled with joy, but it's only taken a few hours with him to know that I'm not in love with him anymore, not how I should be anyway. I missed him, obviously, but the butterflies are gone. He kisses me and I feel nothing. He touches me and I feel nothing.

  "Of course, Tata. I'd forgotten how irritable you get when you have your period." He winks and gets out of the car.

  My period. My fake period. How did I come up with that, just to get out of having sex with him?

  I'm so stupid. Alone in my bedroom with the guy who’s my boyfriend, yet I felt I was cheating on Ben. I didn't think I could stand Leo's hands on my body. And where did it get me? Leo takes me for dinner in some chic restaurant and Ben takes another girl to bed. Life literally sucks.

  The valet in front of the restaurant opens my door and hands me a ticket and I get out, leaving the engine running.

  Leo's hand tightens around mine and I beg my body to feel something, anything.

  "So, the neighbors are throwing a party tonight?" he asks as soon as we sit down.

  I open the menu, reading it distractedly. "Yes, they do that every now and then." Please God, don't let him talk about them all night.

  "Mark seems cool. It’s rather irritating that he spends most of his time half-naked, but apart from that..."

  I stop him. "He's a good friend."

  "Yes, and if I had a female friend like him, you'd wipe me off the face of the earth."

  "You're right." I shrug, focusing on the menu again.

  "His brother seems a total jerk, though. I'm not surprised you hardly speak to each other."

  Help! My hands begin to tremble furiously and tears well up in my eyes. I shouldn't be reacting like this, I should be so filled with rage that I can't wait to take shots at Ben, but my heart hurts too much. "You don't know him," I say drily. "They're good guys, with two very different personalities, but no way are they jerks."

  Leo looks irritated. Where's all this presumption coming from? I may have changed since I came to the States but what about him? Whatever happened to Mr. Nice Guy, so sweet and respectful? Then I remember that he's had his own problems over the past months and try to relax.

  "What wine do you want?" he asks, looking at the menu.

  "We can't drink wine, we're under twenty-one."

  "Shit!" he says out loud, attracting the attention of the people on the next table. "I'd forgotten all about that bullshit!"

  "What's got into you? Watch your language!" I put the menu down and glare at him.

  "I'm nervous, okay? It's like being with a total stranger and I don't like it. I try to kiss you and you pull away, everything I say makes you angry, since I woke up this afternoon you've done nothing but snap at me." He bites the inside of his cheek, which he always does when he's upset.

  "I'm sorry, I told you, I'm just..." What? In love with another guy who forgot all about me in less than thirty minutes? "…Tired. I didn't get much sleep and you're jet-lagged. Let's just try to enjoy our meal. This place is beautiful, by the way, thanks for bringing me."

  My grandmother would give me a standing ovation. Caterina, don't shout. Caterina, don't argue. Caterina, you’re a nice young lady, take a step back, do the right thing. Sit up properly, Caterina, smile nicely and swallow the pill.

  Leo relaxes instantly and smiles back at me, the only difference being that his smile is sincere. "What do you feel like eating?"

  "Fish. I haven't had decent fish forever."

  We chat about this and that, mostly about college, keeping the conversation quiet, without laughing too much, as if it's our first date. That's how I feel, though, as embarrassed as if I were out with a total stranger.

  I park in front of the house and pull the top up to keep out the sound of the music blasting from the house next door.

  "Are we invited, too?" Leo asks, peering over at the Carter house.

  Oh, no! "Sure. Do you want to go?" Say no, say no!

  "Why not? Perhaps we can get something to drink. Eating fish without wine was a real waste."

  Damn! Why isn't he tired?

  "Do you mind if I change first? I don't want to go over there in heels."

  Mark walks toward us, a beer in each hand. "Wow. Back already? You coming over to ours?"

  Thanks, Mark, that’s all we need.

  Grinning, he hands Leo a beer. His eyes are bright and he's slightly tipsy. I just hope Ben is sober. I've never seen him drunk and I'm afraid of how he'll react.

  "Thanks." Leo clinks his beer against Mark's.

  "We just want to change first..." I take my house keys from my purse and head for the door.

  "Why?" asks Mark, surprised.

  "Like this we're too elegant," I reply, flashing him a warning glare.

  "You getting changed, too?" he asks Leo. What’s it to him?

  "I'm good," Leo says to me in Italian. Then he turns to Mark. "No, I'm coming with you." And he follows Mark back to the party, leaving me here. I can't help noticing Mark's smug smile when he slaps him on the back and points to a group of people I don't know. I'll have to be quick. I don't know what he has in mind, but I don't like it.

  I run home, back to my room, where I close the curtains and begin to get undressed.

  "You had fun?" His voice, coming from behind me, makes me jump. I'm literally shaking all over.

  "What do you want, Ben?" I try to keep my tone as sharp as possible but the truth is, just the sound of his voice makes me want to burst into tears. I wish it wasn't like this, but I can't stop my heart from wanting him so much. I can convince my
head to hate him, but not my heart.

  "You don't answer a question with another question."

  I take my dress off and turn to face him. I'm wearing only my underwear and high heels and feel extremely brave. One by one, I slip off my shoes, never breaking eye contact with him. "Well, I did. Now answer my question. What do you want?"

  I grab the shirt I wore this afternoon and pull it on. He's staring at my legs and a sudden buzz, like an electric shock, between my thighs forces me to close them.

  "You." For better or worse, always straight to the point.

  "Well, you can't have me. I saw you with Maddy this afternoon..." I feel my tears welling up but hold them back with a long sigh.

  "We're even then." He tips his head to one side, still staring at the point between my legs. Does he think this is a game? One-all, ball to the center of the pitch?

  "No, we're not even. I didn't sleep with Leo." His eyes open wide and his stare nails me to the spot. "Yeah! I made up an excuse and told him we couldn't."

  He steps back until he's leaning against the wall, biting his lip furiously. "You're lying." His voice is hoarse, frightened.

  "I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a liar. Now, please, get out. We really have nothing more to say to each other, Ben. I'm just glad I didn't sleep with you yesterday, you make me sick. All it took was for your ex to come back and you forgot all about me, all those promises you made, all those beautiful words, in five minutes. You wanted me, right? Only me? You wanted me to choose you?" I pull on a pair of shorts and walk over to him, so angry and frustrated I want to slap him.

  "What the fuck are you saying, Blondie?"

  "I would have chosen you, you know? But you didn't even give me time to tell you and you were already in bed with someone else." How I manage to speak with the enormous lump that's forming in my throat is a mystery. My heart is thudding in my chest, my palms are sweating, and my legs feel pretty unstable. I sit down on the floor and grab the Converse with the US flag and studs that I bought at Daytona Beach and unlace them. I can't look at him anymore and his silence is killing me.

  "You said you'd slept with him, Cat. You looked me in the eye and told me you had."

  I lace my shoes calmly. "No, I didn't. But it doesn't matter now, does it?" I look up at his face. His eyes are frightened, confused.

  "Cat..."

  "Forget it, Ben. I needed time to figure things out and I did. You're not the man for me. I'll never forgive you, you're nothing to me now. Nothing." I stand up and walk past him. "Turn the light off when you're done." I manage to get out before the first tear falls. One day it really will be like that. He'll mean nothing to me and I'll forget all about him.

  Leonardo seems to have disappeared. He's not with Mark and Kris near the drinks table set up on the patio and he's not with Jessica and Abby on the chairs in the garden. He wasn’t in the house, was he? Surely, he didn't hear me talking to Ben. A hot flush rises rapidly from the pit of my stomach, going straight to my cheeks.

  I run over to Mark. "Where's Leo?" I ask, turning my head every which way, looking around for him, but I still can't see him.

  "I left him in the kitchen, talking to Ryan." He points to the open patio door that leads to the kitchen and I finally spot him and begin to breathe again. "Did you speak to Ben?" His smile makes me even angrier.

  "Fuck Ben! And you, stop interfering!" Mark looks startled but I turn on my heel and leave him there. I stride into the house, walking straight past Jessica and Abby but I don't even give them a second glance. They're all on my case and I can't stand it any longer.

  "Here you are!" I put an arm around Leo's waist and kiss him softly on the arm, ignoring Ryan's look of surprise. I don't even look at him. I just want to go back home and try to sleep, forget all about this terrible day.

  "Ciao, Tata." Leo wraps an arm around my shoulder and kisses me tenderly on the temple before turning back to Ryan. I gently pull away and head to the refrigerator for a beer.

  Maddy is leaning against the kitchen sink, looking me up and down in silence. "Hi." Her velvety voice causes another blast of heat to rise up, this time hitting my brain and obscuring my vision.

  "Hi..." I open my beer and lean against the kitchen table, in front of her. I don't know why. I should ignore her and go back to Leo.

  "We haven't been properly introduced. I'm Maddy, I guess I'm your landlady." She smiles sweetly and holds out her hand.

  "I guess that makes me your newest tenant…Caterina." I shake her hand then put my arm tightly around my waist.

  "How're you finding everything?" She's trying to make conversation, perfectly unaware of what's been happening with her ex, if you can call him that, while she's been away.

  "Great. I love your house." I force myself to smile and take a couple of sips of my beer.

  "I spent four wonderful years in that place." She runs a hand through her hair and I’m almost blinded by the sparkle of her huge diamond ring. "Ben, honey, where did you get to?"

  I can't see him but I know he's behind me. A strange glow, mischievous and possessive, lights up her eyes, making me want to poke them out.

  "I had business to take care of." He walks over to the refrigerator and takes a beer. His back's to me but before he can turn and kill me with his green eyes, I go back to Leonardo.

  He's still chatting with Ryan. I don't know what they're talking about but I do know Ben won't be happy when he sees his friend in conversation with my boyfriend.

  "Do you mind if we go home soon?" I whisper to Leo.

  "Sure, are you tired? I can only make out half of what your friend's saying anyway. My English is bad enough, but he's stoned, which doesn't give us much scope for conversation." He grins and I feel myself stiffen.

  "Stoned? Ryan? No way!" I've known him for months and I've never even seen him with a cigarette, never mind a joint.

  "Oh, Tata! You're so sweet and naive!" He pulls me close and hugs me very tight.

  Ben suddenly appears and hands him a beer. He's smiling but I know that smile all too well and it doesn't bode well.

  "Leo, right?" My heart stops. Ryan walks over and stands next to his friend then nods over at someone and from the corner of my eye I catch Kris coming into the kitchen, walking toward us.

  Panic mode: on!

  "Yes." Leo clinks his beer bottle against Ben's and I almost throw up my tuna carpaccio. What the fuck are they doing? Why are they looking at each other like that? I know Ben well enough to know he won't resist saying something to antagonize Leo, but I also know Leo well enough to know he won't let anyone intimidate him. Curious, he looks him in the eye. He knows something's wrong, I'm not sure if he knows what exactly, but he's not stupid. He's actually very intuitive. Ben's challenging him and he's trying to work out why.

  Kris pushes Ben away from Leo. "Hi, you must be Cat's boyfriend. I'm Kris." I hold my breath for several very long seconds as he over-emphasizes the word 'boyfriend'.

  "Leonardo..." He shakes Kris's hand, but his eyes are still on Ben.

  "What are you studying, Leo?" Ben asks, folding his arms across his chest.

  "Economics. You?"

  "Aerospace engineering," he says with pride, as if it makes him smarter than the rest of us.

  Leo takes me by the waist and pulls me in front of him, crossing his hands over my stomach. I'm stuck between them now and the situation is ridiculous. "Interesting," Leo comments, but he doesn't sound at all interested.

  Ben shrugs. "It is." He looks over at me for a second. "So, how did you find Blondie? Did we take good enough care of her over the past three months?"

  Oh, fuck!

  "Blondie?" Leo asks with a frown, wrapping his arms around me, almost crushing me.

  "It's just a stupid nickname, because of my blond hair," I say in Italian, practically hissing.

  "Tata can take care of herself," Leo replies in English.

  The atmosphere is tense now and I look grimly over at Kris. Is he going to intervene? It doesn't look like it.


  "Tata? What does that mean?" Ben asks, smiling like an asshole at Leo.

  "It's her nickname."

  I want to die. "Amore, what are you doing?" I ask in a low voice, again in Italian.

  "I'm just explaining a couple of things to your friend here. If this prick thinks he can fuck with me, he can think again."

  Whatever it was Ben had in mind, we'll never know because he's interrupted by Maddy. The bitch hugs him from behind, leaning forward to give him a peck on the corner of his mouth. His face turns pale and he glances over at me, seeing what I hope is a mask of indifference and disgust.

  "Honey, I need you a minute..." Her honeyed-voice makes me reel.

  "Not now, Maddy," he snaps, pushing her away.

  "You owe me one, remember? And I'm bored..." she pouts. Ben turns as white as a ghost. What does he owe her?

  "Let's find Jessica and Abby." I grab Leonardo's hand, dragging him behind me.

  "What the fuck does he want? Jerk!" Leo pulls up, tugging on my hand as soon as we pass from the kitchen to the semi-darkness of the patio.

  "Nothing, you were rude."

  "Rude? “Blondie”? What gives him the right to use stupid nicknames for you in front of me?" He squints, peering deep into my soul.

  "They all have nicknames for me here," I lie. "Mark calls me Cat-Babe, Abby and Erika call me Cat, Kris calls me Italian Girl. Don't let it get to you."

  "I don't like that guy. I don't like him one bit and I want you to steer clear of him." He glances back at the kitchen and I feel my patience wearing thin.

  "Leo, these people are my friends. I've shared practically every second of the last three months with them. You can't turn up and start laying down the law after less than twenty-four hours, telling me who I can and who I can't hang out with."

  Oh, yes he can. He's my boyfriend and the guy with whom I have - had - a fling with, just provoked him. I’m such a filthy hypocrite.

  "I'm doing nothing of the kind. Why are you being so defensive?" He grabs me by the shoulders and shoves his face up close to mine. “What's going on? What aren't you telling me?"

  "You're paranoid, Leo! There's nothing going on." I've always been a good liar. I have an almost natural talent for it and I had plenty of training over the years, trying to avoid my grandmother's constant sermons. "I think we're both a little nervous tonight. Let's just go to bed...please."