Choose Me

by Valentina F.

  Ben comes out on the patio and heads toward Jessica and Abby, who've been watching us since we came out of the house. Leo makes sure Ben's watching us, too, then kisses me passionately, slipping his tongue inside my mouth. It's one of those kisses that should never be given in public, for no reason whatsoever. But I let him anyway, I don't have much choice.

  "What are you going to do next? Piss on my feet to mark your territory?" I blurt when he finally pulls away.

  "If that's what it takes to make that asshole see that you're mine, then yes!" He grabs my hand, nods goodbye to my friends, and drags me home across the garden.

  I undress in the bathroom and slip into my pajamas. I've lost count of the number of times I've slept with Leonardo, but now the idea seems inconceivable.

  He's lying on the bed, playing with his cell phone. He's probably updating his Facebook profile or playing one of his thousands of time-wasting games.

  "What do you say we hire a car for me tomorrow morning?" he asks distractedly, without bothering to look up from his phone.

  "Why? Why do you want to do that?" I squeeze a mountain of cream onto my hands and rub it in, trying to hide the way they're shaking.

  "You have classes Tuesday and Wednesday and I don't want to be stuck here on my own. Your father told me there's a great golf club a couple of miles from here. While you're at college I could get a round in."

  "Yes, sure. There should be a Hertz at the mall. I'll drop you off there tomorrow morning." We're both so cold and detached. "If you want, I can show you where the club is. If I'm not mistaken, Monday afternoons it's open to the public...so, tomorrow..."

  He glances up and meets my tired eyes. They're tired of lying to him, to myself, tired of pretending everything is fine. "Actually, Tata, I'd like to spend tomorrow afternoon with you..."

  I smile half-heartedly. "Tomorrow I have to get ready for an exam on Tuesday, so you could take advantage of that and go to the club." I really do have an exam and I've done zero revision.

  "Okay." He doesn't sound too convinced. He puts his phone down on the nightstand and pulls the bed sheet to one side. "Are you coming to bed now?" It's more of an order than a question. I turn out the light and cross the room in the dark. His warm body falls on top of me, his soft, mint-scented lips, are on mine and I clench my eyes shut. I kiss him, letting myself be carried away by his rhythm, forcing myself not to think of anything else but him.

  In only a few months I’ve forgotten about him and thrown away our four-year relationship. How on earth did it happen? I feel so shallow and superficial I want to slap myself.

  "Oh, Tata. I missed you so much." His soft hair brushes my cheek, tickling me. I'm going to have to tell him I missed him, too, though I know it's not true.

  "Me, too, amore. I know we didn't talk about it at dinner, but I'd like to know what happened with your parents." I change the subject and try to focus on his words.

  It seems Leo’s mother found a series of messages between his father and his lover. Apparently, her period was late. I guess everyone has their limits, even Leonardo's mother. Everyone knows she only put up with his cheating because of his money.

  I lose myself in my own thoughts and, as he tells me about their fights, all I can think of is Ben and Maddy. Will she be in his bed tonight? Will he hold her tight like he did me? Will he kiss her with the same intensity?

  Perhaps he'll dedicate a song to her, or even write a new one, inspired by her. He said all he wanted was me. Only me. Leonardo lowers his voice, until it's just a breath against my hair and I can tell he's holding back tears. I've never seen him cry before, but I wouldn't be surprised if he cried now. He feels lonely and I'm so far away.

  "I know everything is new for you here, that everything here has you spellbound but, Tata, promise me you'll come back to me. When this is over, promise me you'll come back."

  My heart hurts when I hear his words and, for the umpteenth time in two days, I start to cry.

  Is that what I am? Spellbound?

  I'll be back in Italy at the end of June. Once classes are through, my beautiful dream will be over and I'll have to wake up. And he'll be waiting for me. I feel immense affection for Leo, nothing can ever cancel our four years together. Perhaps this is love, too. Who says that loving someone means feeling butterflies in your stomach all the time? We grew up together and over the years we've consolidated our relationship but what has it become? If I feel such strong feelings for another guy, then how can I define my relationship with Leonardo? Who knows, perhaps you really can love two men at the same time.

  "I promise," I say, gritting my teeth, regretting it immediately.

  If Ben hadn't slept with Maddy, if he hadn't behaved so aggressively, I'd still be here wondering what to do. But now I know. You may be able to love two men at the same time but you can only be with one and, when it comes down to it, I'll always choose Leonardo.

  34

  I down another beer and feel pleasantly numb as I lie in the garden on the sun-lounger Jessica made me buy. All around me, people are having a good time, drinking, smoking, laughing. The music's off the scale and if my brother doesn't turn it down soon, the neighbors will call the police and I can’t risk getting into anymore trouble.

  "Hey, Mr. Carter? What's wrong? You've been in a bad mood since this morning."

  Maddy perches on the edge of the lounger, forcing me to make room for her. I look up at her and shrug apathetically. Who knows if, one day, I'll feel this indifferent about Cat? I hope so and I hope it’s soon.

  "Do you want to tell me?" she asks, snuggling into what little space I left her.

  "What makes you think that, out of all the people in the world, I'd confide in you?"

  "I know I treated you like shit, but don't think for one second that I don't care about you." She points at me and a strand of her beautiful red hair tumbles down over her face.

  "I don't need you to care about me."

  "Stop being such a jerk! You can't just erase what happened between us. It was real, it was intense, and it was beautiful."

  "What you do want, Maddy? Come on, tell me why you're here, why you slept with me? What do you want me to tell you?" I drain my beer and drop the empty can on the ground and grab a new one.

  "Don't drink so much." In response, I down half my beer looking at her, defiantly. "I just want to make sure you're okay. You'll always be one of my great loves." She touches her engagement ring, turning it around her finger.

  "Great love? Can you hear yourself?" I have more alcohol than blood in my veins and my brain has turned to mush. "You never gave a shit about me. You used me...I was your little hobby, a time-filler before Chicago and your fiancé. You're all the same." I don't know why I say that.

  "All? What do you mean? All?" She sits up straight, gazing down at me.

  "None of your business, Maddy. I'll sleep on the couch tonight, tomorrow morning we'll say goodbye and pretend today never happened."

  But it's not true. It happened and my error of judgment has destroyed every chance I had with Blondie.

  "It's that Italian girl, isn't it? I saw the way you looked at her. You used to look at me like that, once..." She takes a sip of my beer. Without looking at me, she shakes her head and smiles. "But she has a boyfriend, too, and from what I hear, she's not going to leave him."

  Her smug attitude makes me furious. "Don't compare yourself to her, you're nothing like her."

  "Did you sleep with me to get back at her?"

  "No. I slept with you because I wanted to fuck and you were available." What the fuck am I doing? My resentment toward Maddy is like a fire burning in my head, but that doesn't mean I can treat her like a slut. There's no reason to speak to her like that. "I'm sorry...I shouldn’t have said that." I turn my head away, looking for Mark in the crowd of people in the garden. He has to turn the fucking music down.

  "Let's say I deserved it. Some relationships are complicated. I know you don't want to hear this, but you never gave me a chance to explain. H
owever, you're here now and there's no getting away." She smiles and hands back my beer. "You're the kind of guy who knows exactly what he wants and nothing's going to stop you. You go from A to B and if something gets in your way, you plow through it. We're not all as strong as you. You're fearless, you don't waste time playing stupid games and you never doubt yourself. But life isn't as easy as you think, especially when people's feelings are at stake."

  I don't get a word of what she's saying. All I know is, my head's getting heavier with every sip of beer. "What are you trying to say, Maddy? That you were forced to choose your boyfriend in Chicago?"

  My sarcasm makes her look down.

  "No, I wasn't forced to choose him but it wasn't easy. You have the arrogance to think that your point of view is the only one that counts, but you're wrong. You know nothing about me, or my fiancé and something tells me you know very little about your Italian neighbor."

  Her words hit me like a gut punch. "What a lovely, hypocritical speech, Maddy. The truth is, you all want everything and you don't care who you hurt to get it. You wanted to marry him and fuck with me and when you had to make a choice you chose the most convenient one."

  She stands up. "Think what you like, Ben, but if you don't change your attitude, if you don't learn to stop acting on impulse and count to ten before you open your mouth, you'll end up alone. You'll never get what you want." She walks away, leaving me all alone, like an idiot, her words buzzing in my head.

  When I wake up, it's past noon and I have a massive headache. The couch is too short for my legs and my back is killing me. I stumble to my room: the bed is made up and Maddy's suitcase is gone. She left and I never said goodbye. I wonder if I'll ever see her again, if I'll ever find the courage to tell her she was right.

  When I found out she had a boyfriend, I put a wall up between us that was so high I never even gave her the chance to explain. I didn't fight for her, I cut her straight out of my life. I lost her because I was too hurt, and too stupid. I've made the same mistake with Cat, and I'll never forgive myself for it.

  All Blondie did was ask me for time, in the end she would have chosen me. She confirmed that last night, as she stood, half-naked, in front of me, more beautiful than ever.

  I throw myself under the shower and thirty minutes later I enter the neighbors' kitchen. I should stay home, away from trouble, avoid any contact with Blondie and her boyfriend, but we've already established that I'm unable to count to ten before reacting or speaking.

  She's sitting at the table in the family room, silence all around her. She raises her head a few inches, then lowers it, back over her book.

  "Hi." My rough, hungover voice sounds creepy as hell.

  "Morning," she replies coldly.

  "You studying?" Dumb question! In response, she arches an eyebrow and sniffs. "You alone?" I'm almost too scared to speak to her.

  "No. Leo's asleep in my room and Erika's taking a shower. She just got home."

  Okay, at least she's speaking to me. She looks at me like I'm a cockroach, but at least she's speaking to me.

  I sit down in front of her and lean my elbows on the table. I have so much to say but I can't find the courage. Her face is so tense it makes me shudder.

  "You look tired." Understatement alert. She has deep circles under her eyes that I've never seen before and her face is drawn and hollow. She must have lost at least five pounds since we got back from Daytona Beach.

  "Yeah, well. Things haven't been easy lately.” She looks up and glowers at me.

  It's going to be impossible to save anything, even our friendship. "It's your birthday Wednesday. We've organized a cool party for you." I'm talking nonsense, trying to keep the conversation going.

  "Yup, I know. Thanks."

  Her icy tone makes me angry but I count to ten. "I'm just trying to make conversation."

  "Why? We're not friends, save your breath."

  I hear noises coming from the other side of the house. "Please, stop it," I whisper. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I fucked up, big time. I can't lose you over something so..."

  She puts her pencil down on the table and bangs her fist. "But you did. I can't trust you. Nothing you say is credible. I haven't breathed easy in forty-eight hours. I just want to cry all day. I'm hurting a wonderful person who doesn't deserve it and it's all your fault."

  I close my eyes for a second and exhale all the air I was holding inside me. "I can't change what I did but I can make it up to you. I just need you to say yes. I'll behave, I promise. I'll give you time, all the space you need. I'll wait for you."

  She shakes her head and bites down hard on her lip. "You don't get it, do you? Every time we try to make this work, your bad temper ruins everything. You're aggressive, impatient, yelling and banging doors, and it's impossible to reason with you. Whether or not I have a boyfriend doesn't matter. What matters is, you are wrong for me."

  Her words kill me. It's the truth, but hearing it from her is a fatal blow.

  "You don't really think that." I'm reeling. To stop myself from firing the table against the wall, I dig my nails into my thigh.

  "Yes, I do."

  Her grim expression makes my head spin. I have to get out of here before I go crazy. "You know what? I've done things for you, with you, that I've never done with anyone else, but you only see what you want to see. I've got a shitty temper, I know. That's all anyone says these days, but you know the real me. You always have." I challenge, but she remains impassive. She won't stop me and I don't know how to fight for her because she gives me nothing to cling on to. "You've really got nothing else to say?" I thrust my hands into the pockets of my shorts, gripping my phone. She shakes her head and her eyes fill with tears. "That's it, then?" For a second she glances down at her book then, her lips in a tight line, she nods a barely perceptible yes, shattering my heart.

  I don't even say goodbye. I walk out the patio door, heading straight for my car. I need my piano.

  "Where are you?" I haven't seen or heard from Mark since last night.

  "Wait." He says something I don't catch, probably putting his hand over the receiver. "Okay. I'm at Jessica's. What's happening?"

  Nothing. Everything.

  "I went to Daytona Beach. I just got home."

  "Give me two minutes. I need to talk to you anyway." He hangs up before I can say anything else.

  I've been trying to avoid him. Most of the time, my brother's a dick and he knows it, but he's the only person in the world who can calm me down, make me think straight.

  He comes flying through the front door and into the family room, where I'm sprawled on the couch playing with the PlayStation.

  "Hi." My tone is neutral. I just want to turn off my brain for a couple of hours and play a few games with my brother.

  "Hi." He sits down next to me and picks up the other game controller. Without saying a word, I restart the game, choosing the two-player mode. He's the only one who’ll play tennis with me, Ryan and Kris are soccer-obsessed.

  I take the plunge, my eyes fixed to the flat screen TV. "How are things?"

  "Like shit!" He scores a point, startling me. "Leo's off playing golf, she spent all afternoon with me and Erika, then locked herself in her room. She's not doing too good."

  I nod, trying to concentrate on the game.

  "She said you'd spoken..."

  Yeah, and that went well!

  "Kind of. I talked…she just confirmed what an asshole I am and that she doesn’t want anything to do with me." I shrug and he scores again. I'm either shit at this game or my brother is a pro; either way, he's beating the crap out of me without even trying.

  "So, what are you going to do?"

  "Get over it. She'll be gone in a few months. It was never going to work anyway," I lie.

  Mark hits pause and the screen freezes. "He knows something's wrong. They fought last night and again after lunch."

  "Why are you telling me? What's it going to change? I've tried everything, but she doesn't trust me. Shit,
Mark! She saw me fucking with Maddy from her bedroom window!" My expression is more than eloquent. "All I do is make her cry. She doesn't want to be with that idiot anymore, but that doesn't mean she wants to be with me. If I ever had a chance with her, believe me, I blew it yesterday afternoon."

  He presses play. "Okay, maybe right now she's pissed at you, and I'm pretty sure she'd like to punch you, but she feels bad, too. Leo won't be back till seven, she's all alone right now..."

  I roll my eyes so hard you can hear them. "That's what you said last night and I'm lucky she didn't set me on fire!"

  Mark laughs. "Yeah, perhaps last night you should have stayed home. Just...go to her. You don't have to say anything. Go to her room and listen."

  What he's saying doesn't make sense. He rips the game controller out of my hands and looks at me with his evil smile, the one that means he's plotting something. "Trust me. Just fucking go!"

  I tiptoe through the living room, listening out for sounds. The house is silent, apart from the muffled music coming from Cat's room. I'm about to knock on her door, when I notice it's ajar, so I push it open a little and peer inside. All I can see are her feet, so I open it further until I see her, curled up on her bed, eyes closed, arms hugged tight across her chest. She must be asleep. I open the door and creep inside, gently closing it behind me and only then do I get what Mark meant. Listen...

  Ross Copperman's “Hunger” plays softly from the speakers on her nightstand. I tiptoe forward, my heart in my mouth. She's listening to the song I played for her on the beach. It ends, then starts again, and my heart skips a beat. I stand by her bed and look down at her phone. She has the song on repeat. How long has she been listening to it?

  Her pillow is wet with tears and there's still a tear stuck between her beautiful lashes. Seeing her like this, so helpless, makes me want to curl up next to her and hold her close to my chest. Instead, I sit down on the floor, leaning back against the bed, looking up at her, my face only a few inches from her lips.