What is Love?

by Saks, Tessa

“Think you can cry like me?”

  Ellen let out a cry. “Nooo … oh, nooo. Whyyyyy?”

  Rory and Sam laughed. “Perfect. Remember to hunch over so they can’t see your face.”

  Ellen took several towels from her bag and stuffed the black sweater to fill out the arms and body. “I look lumpy.”

  Sam smoothed the lumps in her sleeves. “You look great. Just a bit thin in the legs.”

  “They’ll never notice. I’ll wheel you past them at high-speed.”

  “I think I should stay here and wail,” Ellen said. “You can take her out to the car as if she’s crying and falling apart as well, then pretend to come back for me.”

  “I will come back for you.”

  “No, take Sam to the address I gave you. If I stay in here and wail, they won’t check for a while.” Ellen gave another wail for effect.

  “What if you can’t leave? What if they figure out about the switch?”

  “I’ll be fine. They can’t keep me here. I’m not a patient. You just make sure she’s out.”

  “Okay. Ready?” He looked over at Sam, sitting in Ellen’s pants and coat. She put the long brown wig on her head, pulling the bangs over her eyes. “You have to be wailing with grief as I take you away.”

  “No problem. Too bad these shoes are small.”

  “I’ll be dragging you, hopefully they won’t notice.”

  They looked at each other and said goodbye. Ellen squeezed Sam’s hand. “Brianna will take care of you tonight.”

  “Thanks,” Sam said and then broke into her fake cries.

  Ellen sat waiting and wailing as she heard their voices moving out into the distance. She heard the cry move farther and farther away. Ellen continued her cries for several minutes, resting on occasion. At one point she noticed a head peek into the room, but then it was gone.

  After fifteen minutes of crying, Ellen quietly changed and put everything into a bag and pushed the wheelchair into the closet. As she closed the door to the closet, a nurse appeared.

  “And where is Mrs. Horvath?”

  CHAPTER 37

  Sam lay back on Brianna’s comfy sofa, receiving remedies administered by Brianna’s girlfriend, Beth. Rory sat back, watching TV, as the two women went to work on Sam, or as they liked to refer to her, Mother. “I can’t believe the stuff you had to put up with from Dad,” Brianna said as she massaged Sam’s shoulders.

  “I can’t either, what an asshole,” Sam said.

  Brianna and Beth looked at each other. “What will you do now?”

  Sam shrugged. “I can’t go back to that house. I don’t want to be locked up again, that’s for sure. And he …” Sam pointed to Rory, “thinks he loves me, that we should be together.”

  “What? Mother?” Brianna shrieked, grabbing Sam’s hands. “That’s amazing.”

  “What’s amazing is that he thinks it would work. I’m old and he’s not. He’s beautiful and I’m … look at him and look at me, there’s no way.”

  “I think if you love each other—”

  “What do you honestly think people would say?”

  “Good for you?”

  “No, they’ll say he’ll dump me the moment he meets some young hot babe, then they’ll laugh even harder at how stupid I was for thinking it could work.”

  “Mother, why is it so wrong for you to have a young boyfriend when Dad has had young girls all along? I don’t understand.”

  “Because everyone knows the young girl isn’t attracted to the man, she’s attracted to his money and power. Rory,” Sam called out. “Are you after my money?”

  Rory got up from the couch and came over to Sam. “If I can love you when you’re a bitch, why not when you’re a rich bitch?”

  Sam slapped him in the stomach. He leaned over her and said, “I’ve loved you for so long I think you know the answer … I love who you are inside this body—the fun, flirt with a sense of adventure and competitiveness, a hunger for life and risk. The person I feel good to be near, always.” He kissed her hand. “I don’t care what kind of package you come in, you are beautiful as you are. I look at you and see love. I admit, I enjoyed the young you, the sexy you, but if that was all that matters, if that was all I needed, I would have been able to replace you years ago. I couldn’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve been with more girls trying to forget you, but I can’t.”

  “You have been busy.” Sam smiled at him. He reached up and touched her cheek.

  “I love you,” he continued. “No one makes me feel the way you do. I can’t explain it, except to say I love the you that laughs at stupid jokes and cries at sad commercials. I love the you that loves horses and kittens, and stray animals. I love the you that can be reckless and exhilarating and sloshes around in rubber boots in muddy fields or eats dessert before dinner. The crazy you who dances on speakers till four a.m. and then goes for pancakes. And the you that refuses to ever quit. That’s who I love, not a 36-26-36 or whatever you were. Love is a connection of two hearts, not two bodies.”

  Brianna had tears in her eyes. She looked at Beth, then back to Rory. “Are you sure you’re talking about my mother?”

  Rory winked at Brianna. “There’s a lot you don’t know about your old Mom here.” He tugged on Sam’s hand affectionately. “She’s an amazing person. I think she’s been stuck trying to be someone she’s not all these years and now, for the first time in a long time, she sees it.”

  “I can’t believe all this time you’ve … what will Dad say? Does he know?”

  “Who cares? I am way past caring. That asshole can go rot for all I care.”

  Brianna looked at her mother, her face twisted with shock. “I’m proud of you … and it’s good to see you happy. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you so happy.”

  “I’ll be a lot happier when I get my strength back and I know I’m legally free from that dreadful place and that dreadful man.”

  The doorbell chimed. Beth rose to see who would be at their door at midnight. Ellen walked into the room. “Sam?” Brianna said, somewhat startled.

  “Hello, Sam!” Sam called out, her voice thick with sarcasm.

  “Why hello, Ellen,” Ellen said smiling.

  “We wondered what happened to you,” Rory added. “You all right?”

  Ellen opened her jacket and sat on the edge of the footstool. “Bit of a sticky mess, but I managed to get out of it.” Ellen relayed her awkward time trying to explain why Mrs. Horvath wasn’t with her and that this was a huge error on their part and someone would be sued. After two hours of waiting in a locked room, she eventually spoke to a manager who contacted Leo Maxfield for the legal explanation. Then finally, after much negotiating, they were willing to let her go. “Bit of a fuss over losing a patient,” she said. She took her jacket off and sat back. “I think they thought they could throw me in jail. I panicked a bit. Since my visit with Bob, I’m not sure which is worse, prison or that dreadful place.”

  “It wasn’t that bad,” Sam said.

  “Not that bad, says the woman wanting to die in there.” Rory laughed as he tickled her.

  Sam rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it sucked. I do have some fond memories …”

  “Sure you do!” Rory slapped her hand.

  Ellen watched as Brianna smiled at her mother. She caught Ellen’s eyes and smiled. “Thank you, Sam.” Brianna said. “I don’t know if ‘thank you’ will ever be enough for saving my mother’s life and getting her out of there.”

  Ellen cleared her throat and rubbed her hands along her thighs. “Well, I am to blame for her being in there in the first place.”

  “No, that was all Dad,” Brianna said. “You were very unselfish. I didn’t expect it.”

  “I put myself in her position and did what I would want done to me.”

  “Too bad you didn’t have that change of heart a few months ago,” Sam said with a grin.

  “A few months ago, I hardly felt sorry for you.”

  “Yeah,” Sam said. “I really hated you, too.
It’s easy to hate someone you don’t know.”

  “And easy to hate someone you love, especially when they’ve hurt you,” Brianna added.

  Ellen looked at Brianna, wondering if she was referring to their mother-daughter relationship.

  The phone rang and Beth jumped up to answer it. “Brianna, it’s Patty.”

  Ellen looked at Brianna. “Did you ask her for the stuff?”

  “No, I left a message for her to call me, she’s been away.”

  Ellen turned to Sam. “I need a favor. Ask her about the prescriptions she picked up for me … er, you, before the coma. She’ll remember. Ask her to get more of them … there were two kinds. It’s very important. Tell her you have to have them.”

  Beth handed the phone to Sam. Everyone watched, waiting in silence, as Sam spoke into the phone and listened for several minutes, nodding and then handed the phone back to Beth and said, “Tell her the address here.”

  Beth took the phone and went into the other room, relaying the address.

  “She wants to come by and see me,” Sam said. “She’s been away for the past month and apparently Johnny blocked her from visiting me or having any contact since my letter incident. I think she feels bad about something; she insisted on seeing me. No explanation except that the doctor you wanted has disappeared and is no longer practicing, something about legal troubles with the review boards. No one knows where he is.”

  “Oh, no,” Ellen cried, collapsing into the chair. “That ruins any chance of fixing this … of returning …” Ellen looked at Sam. “I’m so sorry. I was hoping we could …”

  “What were the prescriptions for?” Brianna asked.

  “You wouldn’t believe it—no one would,” Ellen said, leaning back into the chair.

  “I would,” Rory called out from the kitchen.

  “So try me,” Brianna said.

  Ellen looked at Sam, who shrugged and said, “She might as well know.”

  “Know what?” Brianna asked.

  Ellen was about to explain when Sam started choking. Beth and Brianna ran toward her and grabbed a bucket. Sam dry heaved a few times and then vomited. Ellen sat back and watched as the nurturing couple took care of their patient. It was fascinating to witness her daughter caring for the person she thought was her mother. Ellen had never seen this compassion. Perhaps she was too busy trying to take care of everyone else she hadn’t allowed herself to see her children for who they really were. And to see her with Beth, she looked happy and relaxed around her. Why shouldn’t she be happy. Who was Ellen to dictate what choices her daughter made? Had anyone interfered with Ellen’s choices?

  Ellen looked around the small apartment filled with oriental rugs and sculptures. The walls were painted a deep plum color and the furniture was all rattan and cushions. The fabrics were patterned silks that gave the impression of sitting in the midst of a harem. Sheer, diaphanous curtains moved in waves, rising and falling with the evening breeze. Most of the artwork looked foreign and the ornaments looked hand-carved from Africa or India.

  Ellen was struck by how little she knew of her daughter’s life. Her travels never interested Ellen, for they were nothing but reminders of her constant failings at finding either a decent husband or a decent job. But here, inside this haven of soft lights and vibrant colors, she saw who her daughter was, what she was trying to show Ellen, but had never succeeded.

  The truth was, Ellen didn’t want to know, didn’t want to see because her goal was to eliminate all this and change her. To turn her into the type of daughter she needed to have, a perfect society daughter, groomed to go to a reputable school, graduate with honors, get an interesting glamour job at a magazine or museum, then meet an important man and step into the world, enhancing her parent’s profile all along the way.

  Why was I so inflexible? Why did none of this matter? Why couldn’t I see that I was trimming away whatever love she had for me, every time I opened my mouth? With every critical word, another little bit lost, and in its place, resentment. How could she love me when I could only love her by my cookie-cutter standards? Ellen felt sick in the base of her stomach. She was such a fool. A self-centered, insecure fool of a mother. She looked over at Brianna and wondered how she could ever make amends. Especially now, with no hope of switching back.

  Rory walked over to Ellen and sat beside her, munching on potato chips. “So what are you going to do now?”

  “I hadn’t gone that far.”

  “What about the baby?” he asked, reaching across to touch her stomach.

  Ellen put her hand over his. “I don’t know, but I know one thing …”

  The doorbell rang and Rory jumped up to answer it.

  Patty burst into the crowded living room and raced toward Sam. “Ellen, you fool, you scared me half to death. Murder! I just can’t believe any of this—”

  “You told her?” Ellen and Sam both called out to Brianna in unison.

  “Everyone will hear about it anyway, through the police.”

  “I can keep a secret, can’t I?” Patty looked directly at Sam.

  Ellen chuckled at the confused look on Sam’s face. “Yes, you can,” Ellen said. “You’re a very good friend.”

  Patty spun around. “Samantha Miller, I’m not speaking to you.” She turned away and sat beside Sam. “Now darling, I want you to know I am here for you, whatever you need. We’ll get the best lawyers and get Jonathan in jail so fast—”

  Ellen laughed aloud. “It wasn’t Jonathan.”

  Patty turned to Ellen. “Is that little piece of trash addressing me?”

  Sam put her hand on Patty’s. “It’s okay, she’s right. It wasn’t Johnny, although it would be very convenient if it were.”

  Patty sat back in surprise. “Who, then? Who would want to kill you, except …” She turned to Ellen and scowled. “Except you.” Patty jumped to her feet and came over to Ellen. She raised her arm. “You little tramp, I should—”

  Rory stepped in and held Patty back. “Relax, tiger. She’s innocent, too.”

  “Then who? Why? Oh Ellen, I can’t believe I didn’t believe you. Arsenic!” She sat down beside Sam again. “Have they caught this in time? We must get you to a hospital …”

  “I’m fine,” Sam said. “Tired and nauseous, but I will be better soon. You can thank Sammy over there for saving my life. She was the one to figure it all out, and Rory.”

  “Who’s Rory?”

  Rory waved his hand. “That would be me.”

  “And you are …?”

  “Her boyfriend.” Rory pointed to Sam.

  “Nooo!” Patty let out a scream that was more like a laugh. “You have to be kidding.”

  Sam smiled and reached for Rory’s hand. “No joke. He loves me. We may even get married.”

  Patty covered her mouth and sat back in silence for several minutes. No one spoke as the information seeped into Patty’s brain. “Well, good for you, Ellen. I’m proud of you.” She patted Sam’s arm and stood. “My goodness, I need a drink …”

  Brianna jumped up and grabbed a bottle of wine. “White okay?”

  “Yes. I’d drink moonshine right about now. It seems I’ve missed a lot since I was away.”

  Brianna pulled glasses from the makeshift bar above the kitchen counter. “Anyone else?”

  She poured wine for everyone except Sam and Ellen. As they sipped their wine, Brianna went to turn on some music. “This is very strange,” she said to the group. “Imagine having my mother, my father’s pregnant mistress, my mother’s very young boyfriend and my girlfriend all in the same room.”

  “You’re pregnant?” Patty turned to Ellen. “Oh, this just gets better. What’s next? Will Jonathan suddenly appear … and with a boyfriend? I feel like I’m in the midst of a soap opera.”

  Ellen turned to Patty. “It does get better. I think it’s time I fessed up the truth.” She looked at Sam for approval.

  Sam smiled with a shrug. “You tell her. I can’t wait to see her reaction.”

&n
bsp; Ellen began, “Remember the powder you gave me …”

  Patty looked at Ellen with a questioning glare.

  “I mean, her … to Ellen, over there. I know all about it. It came from that doctor— the secret guy whose office is in Boston, above the flower shop on Devonshire Street. Remember?”

  Patty looked at Sam in confusion.

  Sam nodded. “It’s okay, Patty, she knows everything.”

  “He’s not there anymore,” Patty said, shaking her head. “I tried …”

  “Yes, I heard,” Ellen said. “And that’s the problem. In fact, it’s a very big problem.”

  “How? Why?” Patty asked.

  “You could call it a side effect … right?” Ellen looked up at Sam.

  “Some shitty side effect,” Sam said with laugh.

  “Yes, well, I took the powder. I am actually Ellen, and after taking the powder, I woke up in Sam’s body, as Sam.”

  Patty covered her face with her hands. Brianna and Beth looked at Ellen and then Sam unable to speak. “This is a joke!” Patty cried out. “Tell me it’s a big joke.”

  “No joke. Remember how they said it could have weird side effects. I think that’s what happened.” Ellen said, sitting forward.

  “But … but you’re …” Patty looked up at Sam. “No. I don’t understand.”

  “It’s true, sad, but true,” Sam said.

  “How long?”

  “Since the coma, back in June.”

  “So all along, all this time …” Patty shook her head. “For over three months now, I have been talking to Samantha Miller, inside of your body … and you’re telling me she isn’t you?’

  “Exactly.”

  Patty reached for the wine and refilled her glass, taking a deep sip. She looked at both of them again, scanning from one face to the other. “It’s impossible.”

  Brianna piped in, “So you are not my mother, and you,” she pointed to Ellen, “are?”

  “Yes,” Ellen said, reaching over to touch Brianna’s hand.

  She pulled away. “I need to process this. I hated you.” Brianna looked over at Sam and pointed her finger at her. “And you, I trusted you, I told you things, personal private things.”