Secrets Between Us

by Valerie Keogh

  There’d be no more flowers now, of course, since she wouldn’t be going to the shops. She knew it was petty to be pleased.

  ‘Hi, Tia,’ she said, picking up the remote control, stopping whatever it was she had been watching and sliding the DVD into the player. Pressing the play button, she stood in front of her to get her attention. ‘I’ve got this movie I’d really love you to watch’ she said, looking down at her sister who returned her pointed look with a docile one. ‘Remember when we talked about being pregnant? It was a bit confusing, wasn’t it?’ She then waved toward the screen where a hugely pregnant woman had appeared, her face all smiles. ‘Well, watch this and I think you might understand a bit more about what I mean.’

  Dropping the remote beside Tia, she turned on her heel and left the room, knowing that watching it herself would break down the wall she was carefully building around her own feelings. Instead of watching, she went upstairs, ran a bath and tried to relax. It didn’t work and, ten minutes after getting into the warm soapy water, she’d had enough. She pulled the plug and let the water run out around her.

  Half an hour later, she headed back downstairs in a pair of cotton pyjamas, with a robe tied tightly around her. She stood at the kitchen door, straining to hear, her eyes rounding in surprise when she heard the distinct sound of…laughter?

  She pushed the door open, convinced that Tia had switched back to one of her usual programmes. Instead, she was taken aback to see her sitting cross-legged on the floor directly in front of the television where a small baby was cooing into the camera. She was laughing at – no – with the baby on the screen.

  Ellie stood watching her sister, her fists clenched against the crash of emotions that assaulted her. Fear and anguish coursed through her with a hundred unanswerable questions. How was she ever going to pull this off? Was she doing the right thing? Did Tia really deliberately seduce Will?

  Composing herself as much as she could, she crossed the room, picked up the remote and switched the DVD off.

  The screen went blank, and Tia’s laugh faded with the picture. She turned and looked up at Ellie, an unusually serious expression on her face. ‘That’s going to happen to me, isn’t it?’

  Ellie watched her silently a moment before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. It was what she’d wanted, wasn’t it? For Tia to understand. ‘Yes,’ she said gently and then, seeing a tremor of fear pass over Tia’s face, she sat on the floor beside her. ‘You’ll be okay though,’ she said, resting her hand on her sister’s arm. ‘We’ll make sure you’re well looked after. When you need to go to the doctor, Will is going to take you.’

  Tia’s slightly worried expression cleared. ‘Will is so nice,’ she said.

  ‘Indeed,’ Ellie murmured, standing up and moving away. Her suspicions of Tia seemed suddenly churlish, wasn’t she as much a victim of this mess as any of them? She turned around to offer more words of comfort, the words catching in her throat when she saw her sister staring at her with a look so cold she froze to the spot. They held each other gaze for a moment before Tia returned to her seat on the sofa. Shaken, Ellie stood where she was for a few minutes. No, perhaps her suspicions weren’t unfounded after all. She had an awful feeling this pregnancy was going to feel very long indeed.

  Will explained to Tia that she needed to stay indoors. ‘It’s not safe for you to walk to the shops any more,’ he said. When her response was her usual serious look edged with puzzlement, he added, ‘There are a lot of bad people out there.’ The irony wasn’t lost on him and he stumbled slightly saying the last two words. ‘Bad people,’ he repeated putting heavy emphasis on bad, knowing it was a word she understood well.

  For days afterward, he refused to meet his own eyes when he looked in the mirror and, guilt pressed heavily on his shoulders.

  Tia made no complaint about staying indoors but he wondered if she remembered the freedom she’d had just days before. He watched her closely for the first few days, but she seemed as unperturbed by the change in this as she did about the change in her name.

  He felt the tension ease, just a little, his plan was going to work. Wasn’t it?

  25

  The obstetrician Ellie chose was Sir Philip Carson, his knighthood a result of services to obstetrics. If his secretary was surprised that Tia had not already seen someone, she was too well trained to say so and booked her appointment without comment.

  On the morning of the visit, Ellie chose a pair of navy trousers and a white silk shirt from her wardrobe for Tia to wear. She needed to look wealthy and refined, to fit in and go unnoticed.

  ‘Why don’t you wear these?’ she said, handing them to her with a tight smile. ‘The shirt is loose so it should fit and the trousers have a bit of stretch so they should be okay.’

  Tia looked at the clothes and shook her head. ‘I don’t like them,’ she said.

  ‘You need to look the part,’ Ellie said and then, knowing it would work, added, ‘after all, Will will be wearing a very smart suit.’

  It looked as though even this would fail but, with a sigh, Tia took the clothes and left returning, dressed, several minutes later.

  ‘Much better,’ Ellie said with a smile, pushing the cereal packet toward her. ‘Have something to eat. You remember what I told you about today, don’t you?’

  Tia sat on a stool at the island, poured cereal into a bowl, added milk and started to eat before she replied. Swallowing, she nodded. ‘I’m going with Will to see a doctor about having a baby,’ she said and then, eyes down, concentrated on her breakfast.

  Relieved, Ellie poured some coffee and sat on the sofa to watch the news. She’d taken the day off at Will’s insistence. ‘You can’t be with me at the obstetrician’s and at work. We need to be consistent.’

  He was right, of course. She told her boss the day before that she had a doctor’s appointment, noticing with a flash of irritation how his eyes flickered quickly to her waist and away. It had been the plan, after all, when she’d started to wear looser blouses and dresses; she shouldn’t be annoyed at its success. The hint had been well and truly dropped.

  She’d pulled her hair back in a bun so tight that her head ached. Closing her eyes, she bit her lip. Her head ached, her heart ached and her eyes shone with tears she refused to allow fall.

  Tomorrow, she’d tell her boss the happy news.

  26

  Will was startled when he came downstairs to find Ellie sitting in Tia’s usual place in the living room watching TV, Tia sitting at the table eating breakfast, wearing clothes he knew to be his wife’s. It was probably the reason Ellie had tied her hair into a severe bun. She didn’t take chances any more. While she ignored him, concentrating hard on whatever she was watching on the television, Tia gave him her usual sunny smile.

  He sat on the stool opposite Tia and smiled back. ‘You remember where we’re going today?’ he asked.

  Tia spooned more cereal into her mouth and nodded. ‘To see a doctor about the baby.’

  Good, at least she remembered.

  The appointment was for nine; with traffic the way it was sure to be, they needed to leave at eight. He drank coffee, watching the minute hand of the clock as it moved toward the hour. He wanted to stand and pace the floor, wanted to grab Ellie and hold her tight, tell her he loved her and that this would all be over soon. More than anything, he wanted to turn the clock back. And not have a child? That was the problem, wasn’t it? He wanted to turn the clock back to avoid causing Ellie such pain but he wanted the child. No wonder his head was thumping. Ellie didn’t move an inch the entire time he was in the kitchen. Even when he stood and told Tia it was time to go, she sat, unmoving, unspeaking, as if the role he was about to take on was too hard for her to bear.

  Ellie listened to them as they put on their coats, hearing the front door shut with a loud sigh of relief. She got up and poured more coffee, carrying it back to the armchair with a packet of biscuits. She ate hungrily, drowning out the silence in the house with the rustle of wrappin
g and the soft crunch of chocolate chip cookies. The television blared on; programme after programme flickering by unwatched, the images just a distraction, the noise to drown out the silence where all that could go wrong screamed it aloud.

  The pain was intense. It should be her with Will, heading off full of excitement about the child she carried. She clasped her belly with both hands, envying Tia as she’d never envied anyone, this sister of hers having her husband’s child. ‘You couldn’t make it up,’ she muttered, reaching for the remote control in the hope of finding something to watch that would take her mind of what was happening in a private clinic only a few miles away.

  It was three hours later before she heard the front door open again. She jumped at the sound, reorganising herself into a more relaxed pose before the kitchen door opened and Will entered, the sound of footfall on the stairs telling her that Tia had gone up.

  ‘Hi,’ Will said. ‘Have you been there all morning?’

  Ellie bit her lip and nodded. ‘How did it go?’

  He shrugged. ‘I wasn’t sure what to expect. The secretary gave us some quite detailed forms to fill in.’ He gave a short laugh. ‘I had to pay a retainer up front.’ He mentioned a figure that made Ellie’s eyebrows rise.

  ‘Bloody hell,’ she exclaimed.

  He shrugged. ‘We’re paying for his name and for the very discreet service, I guess. Sir Philip was very pleasant. When I told him that Tia was very shy and didn’t really like speaking to strangers, he immediately addressed all his questions to me.’

  ‘And the exam, she didn’t object?’ This was the part Ellie had found difficult to explain to Tia, unsure how to explain that another man would touch her. She was afraid Tia would go hysterical.

  Will laughed. ‘Not in the slightest. He said everything seemed fine. There was a bit of a problem when he asked her the date of the first day of her last period.’ He shrugged, a puzzled look crossing his face. ‘That’s how they calculate when the baby’s due, not from the…’ he stopped, colour flooding his face. ‘It doesn’t make sense to me,’ he added vaguely.

  ‘Not from the day sex took place,’ Ellie filled in the end of his sentence, annoyed that she hadn’t thought of this. Truth was, she hadn’t known. ‘She didn’t know, I suppose,’ she guessed.

  ‘She looked blankly at him. But Sir Phillip appears well used to it all. He told her not to worry. He said they’d have a better idea at the next scan but he’s estimated she’s about twelve weeks’ pregnant.’

  ‘And they did the ultrasound?’

  He nodded. ‘Yes, it was fine. And…and there’s just one, in case you were worrying.’

  Ellie felt herself relax, suddenly aware that this had been adding to her anxiety. ‘They were certain?’ she asked. ‘I’ve heard stories—’

  ‘Relax, I told him you were a twin—’

  ‘You told him Tia was a twin,’ she corrected him.

  He closed his eyes for a second. ‘Yes, alright, I told him Tia was a twin and he was very careful. One baby, one heartbeat. One.’

  Ellie nodded.

  ‘He wants to see her again in a couple of weeks.’ He shrugged when she looked surprised. ‘It seems things happen quickly at this stage.’

  Not when you have to sit around the house, waiting. Ellie thought, but she said nothing.

  ‘And then she’ll have a further ultrasound at twenty weeks,’ he added.

  Ellie conjured up a smile. They were in this together and resenting any time he spent alone with Tia wasn’t going to achieve anything. ‘I know you wanted to go back to work but why not stay home. I’ll order in some Indian food, open a bottle of wine. We could watch a movie.’

  Will hesitated. They needed him in the office, but she was making the effort and he knew he should stay. He opened his mouth to say he would when the door opened and Tia walked in, her eyes glued to what she held in her hand. A sharp breath escaped him when he saw the photo of the ultrasound. He should have guessed she’d forget her promise to put it away.

  There was nothing he could do. He saw Ellie’s eyes fall on it, comprehension dawning, her face turning pale. She turned her gaze from it to him, her eyes accusing. And then, in one elegant motion, she stood and left the room.

  Will sat and looked across at Tia, who was still gazing at the picture of the baby. The baby. That’s what Ellie called it and he’d been careful to follow suit. He didn’t tell her how amazing it had been when Sir Philip pointed out the head and the limbs to the background of the baby’s heart pounding loudly, how he’d caught his breath at the wonder of it all and squeezed Tia’s hand, meeting her eyes and smiling at her wide-eyed awestruck face, knowing his probably looked the same.

  Nor did he tell her that he’d held Tia’s hand through it all.

  And he certainly didn’t tell her that Sir Philip had looked at him and asked if he wanted to know the sex of the baby and he’d nodded, mesmerised by the screen where he could see his child, unable to take his eyes away even for a moment.

  ‘It’s often difficult to tell at this stage, usually we wait until the second ultrasound, but I’m confident that it’s a boy,’ Sir Philip had said.

  A boy! His son! His grin was so wide his face ached.

  He couldn’t share any of this with Ellie. He would, eventually, but not then. He didn’t want to have the intense pleasure he felt at seeing his son…his son…ruined by having to remember the guilt, by having to see his wife’s face twist in pain.

  Sighing, he crossed the room to stand beside Tia. Her face was serious, a rare enough occurrence when he was around. Gently, he reached for the photograph, expecting her to let it go, surprised when she held onto it tightly. ‘I’ll give it back to you,’ he lied. ‘I just want to have a look at…’ He hesitated, feeling disloyal to Ellie, but then Tia smiled at him and handed over the photograph so he swallowed the doubt and finished, ‘our baby.’

  There was no sign of Ellie’s return. With a quick glance at the clock, he decided to follow his original plan and go back to work. But he couldn’t leave Tia with the photograph. She was smiling at him now, a return to her normal sunny disposition. He took the chance that she’d have forgotten the promise he made and slipped the photograph into his suit pocket and with a far-from-casual wave he turned and left the room.

  His briefcase was in the hall. He picked it up, took the photograph from his pocket and put it safely inside just as Tia came out.

  She held her hand out, her face once again serious.

  Throwing a glance up the stairs, he took the photograph out again and showed it to her. ‘I have it safe,’ he reassured her. ‘I want to take it to work, to show my colleagues.’

  Dropping her hand, she smiled. ‘That’s good. They’ll like to see our baby.’

  Will gulped. If Ellie heard her, her heart would break.

  ‘Bye now,’ he said, opening the front door. He locked it behind him and stood frozen on the doorstep, guilt souring his belly as he remembered the pain on Ellie’s face.

  Then, unable to resist, he reached into his briefcase again and took out the photograph. He couldn’t help the flood of pleasure when he looked at it.

  His son.

  27

  Will hadn’t mentioned the antenatal classes they had been told to attend. ‘Are they essential?’ he’d asked Sir Philip, who looked at him quizzically before replying.

  ‘I would classify them as being highly recommended rather than essential,’ he said. ‘They certainly contribute to a healthier and safer birthing experience.’ He smiled at Tia. ‘They show you the delivery room, go over breastfeeding if it’s something you’re keen on, give advice on what to pack for your stay, the delivery, breathing, and what to expect when you go home.’ Personally,’ he said, and this time he looked at Will, ‘I would advise attending.’

  When Will rang, the following day, he was surprised to find the classes were busy and he was unable to get the time of his choice. The only availability was Friday evenings at seven, a time he and Ellie usually spent
together, enjoying a wind-down at the end of a busy week.

  Sighing loudly and audibly to make a point that was lost on the person on the other end of the phone, he said, ‘If that’s all that’s available.’

  ‘I’m afraid so.’

  ‘Okay,’ he said begrudgingly. ‘That’s Friday week?’

  ‘And the three Fridays after that,’ the voice told him.

  He shut his eyes. Oh God! ‘Fine,’ he said, and then asked, ‘Do we need to go to them all?’

  ‘That’s up to you, of course,’ he was told. ‘We do advise that you attend as many as you can.’

  He certainly had to pay for them all, he noticed, taking out his wallet for his credit card. The total price up front. His eyes watered at the cost as he read out the required numbers and hung up. But paying for it faded into insignificance compared to telling Ellie that for four weeks, every Friday night, he’d be attending antenatal classes with her sister. The obstetric appointments were one thing, a clinical visit to make sure all was as it should be, but antenatal classes were different. They were for couples, for expectant parents. They were intimate.

  Over the next week, Tia’s belly became more pronounced. Ellie arrived home one evening with a bag of oversize T-shirts that she left on Tia’s bed without explanation. When Will suggested they weren’t very suitable for her clinic visits, Ellie raised an eyebrow and said nothing, not even a few days later when he arrived home carrying a bag from a well-known and expensive mother and baby shop.

  Tia lifted the tissue-wrapped garment out, opening it with an ecstatic squeal of delight.