Not Exactly Lying

by Melody Summers

  “So? You can’t just let me in a little bit to test the waters?”

  “It’s kind of an all-or-nothing deal.”

  “And so you choose nothing.”

  “That’s the way it has to be.”

  “I guess you’re right,” he said in a voice tinged with bitterness. “You really are nothing like Valkyrie. She’s not a coward, not afraid to take chances.”

  I wanted to scream in frustration. “That’s because she doesn’t have anything to lose, Quinn. If anything happens to her she just spawns back into the game good as new. I actually have to deal with consequences when I get hurt. I don’t get to just start over like nothing happened.”

  “You can’t live your whole life being afraid.”

  “Yes, I can. That is my whole life. You want to know the real me? Well, being afraid is who I am, what I am. It defines everything about me, from the moment I wake up until I finally fall asleep at night. I can’t get away from it.”

  “I guess I don’t know you at all,” he sighed. “And if you’d rather live your whole life being miserable and afraid rather than taking a chance to reach out for what you really want, I’m not sure that I want to.”

  He disconnected and left me sitting there alone. Which was what I’d wanted him to do all along. Wasn’t it?

  The fight with Quinn pushed me over the edge and sent my anxiety spiraling out of control. Nothing I tried gave me a solid handle on it, and the least little thing would trigger a panic attack that would leave me incapacitated. Afterwards, whenever I recovered, I would be so wrung out and exhausted that I could barely think straight.

  I stepped back from gaming, putting off the guys with the excuse that I was going on vacation with my family until school started, and took to avoiding my friends. It was easy enough—I just turned off my phone and wouldn’t answer the door. It had worked well enough for Delaney with Walker.

  Life had been so much simpler, so much easier, before I’d started making all of these changes in my life: the online gaming, the friends, kissing Quinn. It had been stupid to mess with a formula that had been working for me. I had two years left of high school to make it through, and I just needed to get back on my old program of sliding by and being ignored by everyone. After that I could get through college with online courses and then get some kind of job where I could work from home. Thanks to the internet I could do essentially all of my shopping from home and get everything dropped off at my front door—including my groceries. I’d never need to leave the house.

  I could get a cat. I could get two cats. Or a dog. Mom had never let me get a pet because we kept moving around so much with Dad in the Navy, but when I moved out I’d have a pet to keep me company. It would be a nice, quiet life with no complications, low anxiety, and none of the panic attacks that crippled me when I was in social situations. That had been the plan all along, and it was time to get back to that. So no more gaming, no more friends, and most importantly no more Quinn and his devastating kisses.

  While I’d been so busy with all of those new things in my life, I’d fallen way behind on my reading. That had been my pastime of choice ever since I’d discovered that I could hide from the outside world and all my fears between the covers of a good book. Resolved to get back to what had worked for me, I turned to my collection of novels for solace. But I couldn’t seem to concentrate and kept getting lost between lines, unable to recall what I’d just read a few seconds before. My balky mind kept wandering—usually to Quinn’s dark eyes and sweet kisses.

  It wasn’t long before I cast my books aside in frustration, and by the end of the week I was spending all day sprawled on the sofa in the living room watching the very worst daytime reality TV shows, true crime dramatizations, and creepy movies on the women’s channels that mostly seemed to be about pervy older men obsessing over teenage girls who were still in high school. Honestly, if I hadn’t had anxiety issues already I would have developed them watching that stuff. It really made me want to never leave the house again.

  I was vaguely aware that I was sinking deeper and deeper into the dark part of myself and well on my way to sliding into depression, but I couldn’t make myself care. I stayed in my pajamas all day and didn’t always bother to shower. Cooking was way too much effort, so I was subsisting largely on junk food. Mom might have caught on and pushed me out of it, but she was pulling in so much overtime that she came home at night too exhausted to see straight and generally went straight to bed without saying more than a word or two.

  We were down to one week before school started again when Walker came over. It was during the day so Mom was at work when the doorbell rang. I stared at the television and ignored it. A minute passed, and then another, then it rang again. I didn’t so much as stir on the couch, but I turned up the sound on the television a little.

  This time when the doorbell chimed, it kept right on going. Someone was leaning on the button. I closed my eyes and waited. It was probably Delaney again. I had more patience than she did, though. I could outlast her.

  Still the doorbell kept going. I wasn’t going to do it. I refused to give in. But it just kept going on and on until the ringing echoed in my skull and my heart began to race. It was spiking my anxiety again, and I wasn’t in the mood for a panic attack.

  “All right, I’m coming,” I muttered as I shoved myself off the couch and went to the door.

  But when I yanked it open it was Walker, not Delaney, standing on the porch. His bright blue eyes studied me closely and he shook his head as though disappointed at what he saw.

  I glared back at him. “If I wanted to answer the door, I would have done it the first time you rang the bell.”

  “Yeah, I know. That’s why I kept ringing it.”

  He pushed past me and stepped inside.

  “Hey!”

  “It’s gloomy in here.”

  Without a word to me, he opened the curtains and blinds at the front of the room to let in a flood of golden, mid-morning sunshine to chase away the shadows. I folded my arms across my chest and gritted my teeth.

  “Come in, Walker. Make yourself at home,” I told him with all the sarcasm I could muster.

  “Thanks.”

  I followed along, a speck of flotsam in the wake of a giant ship, as he ambled into the kitchen. It was exasperating, but I had no idea of how to stop him. Walker was kind of like a force of nature. When he snagged one of my Mountain Dews out of the fridge and popped the tab, though, I’d about hit my limit.

  “You are too much sometimes.”

  “Yeah, but don’t tell Delaney.” He glanced around the kitchen as though he was afraid we were being watched, then lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “She thinks I’m perfect.”

  “She’s out of her mind.”

  “Yep. But it works in my favor so I’m not about to point that out to her.”

  I planted my fists on my hips and glared at him. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “I came to make sure your mom hadn’t killed you and buried your body in the back yard or something.”

  “Well, obviously I’m still alive.”

  He gave me a dubious once-over. “You’re upright. I don’t know how much further than that I’m willing to commit to. You look awful.”

  My face flamed hot from anger and mortification. “Thanks ever so much. What are you going to do for an encore? Go around and pee in all of our toilets with the seats down?”

  Walker lifted an eyebrow. “He really did a number on you, didn’t he?”

  I played dumb. It was what I was best at, after all. “Who did?”

  He just stared at me until I caved.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I mumbled. “I haven’t even talked to him in weeks.”

  “Yeah, or anyone else, either.”

  “Did Delaney put you up to this?”

  “No. She and her girlfriends are still dithering over what to do about you, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.”

&
nbsp; “You didn’t have to go to the trouble. Really.”

  “Would you rather I had sent Quinn over instead?”

  Panic exploded in my chest and I grabbed onto the counter as my knees swayed. “You didn’t tell him!”

  “No. But he told me that Valkyrie had disappeared after he got into a fight with her and he let his mouth ran away with him.”

  I dropped into one of the kitchen chairs and looked away. “He was right. I’m a coward, and he deserves more than I can give him. He expects Valkyrie. What could I ever be but a disappointment?”

  “Don’t you think you should give him a chance to decide that for himself? Maybe he secretly has a thing for gorgeous blondes who are apparently incredible kissers, even though they’re prone to panic attacks.”

  My heart thudded and flipped over. “He told you all of that?” I squeaked.

  “He unloaded,” Walker replied, pulling out the chair across from mine. “He didn’t know what else to do. Quinn’s not exactly used to girls telling him no, and then there were both you and Valkyrie telling him to get lost at the same time. You’re going to give him a complex if you’re not careful.”

  “That will make us even, then.”

  “I’m not going to get into that. Your love life is your business—for Delaney, Dannika, and Allison to interfere in. I’m just here to kick your butt and remind you that you’ve got friends who care about you, and that it’s generally considered rude to just walk away from them.” He paused and leaned over the table, catching my eyes in that intense blue gaze. “We really do like you, you know. We’re not just hanging out with you because we feel sorry for you or because we’d feel guilty if we didn’t.”

  I gave him a sad little smile. “How did you know?”

  “I’ve spent enough time talking to you through late nights and early mornings to have a pretty fair idea of how that twisty little mind of yours works. You’ve got friends, Molly, and you’ve been doing better since you’ve had them. You just need to use them to help you through the rough spots. Don’t shut them out when you need them the most. Think about it. How would you feel if Delaney did that to you?”

  I considered. “Guilty. Like I’d failed or let her down somehow.”

  “There you go. You’re getting it. Now, far be it for me to tell you how to live your life…”

  I snorted indignantly, but Walker went on smoothly as though he hadn’t noticed. “Things don’t have to go on the way they have been. You’ve got friends now, people who will stand by you and back you up. Don’t you think that it’s about time you gave the whole dumb blonde routine a rest? I mean, you’re too mouthy to keep it up for very long, and I get the feeling from the way you’ve been talking to me and Quinn that it’s wearing a bit thin anyway.”

  He should have shriveled under my glare like a slug showered with salt, but somehow he survived to wink at me.

  “It’s a new year, Molly. Start over.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “You do that. But no more hiding. We’re not going to let you get away with becoming a total recluse, so you may as well just get over that right now. If it isn’t me over here ringing the doorbell, it will be Delaney or one of the girls. If you disconnect the doorbell, we’ll just pound on the door. And if you really push your luck, I’ll send Quinn.”

  “Fine,” I sighed. “You win. I’ll call Delaney.”

  “Good girl. And if you feel the need, come by the pool at night. I’m not great at giving advice, but I can be a pretty good listener.”

  When he was gone I pondered what he’d said. Did I really want things to go back to the way they had been before? Without Walker? Without Delaney and Dannika and Allison? Without the guys on my gaming team? Back to just me and Mom, and Dad on the rare occasions when he was home, until I eventually moved out and ended up even more alone?

  Despite the anxiety and panic attacks, I craved friends and relationships. I desperately wanted to be normal like everyone else. But even if I couldn’t have that, it didn’t mean that I had to shut myself completely off. I could have people around me; I knew that now. They could help me get through the rough spots, maybe soothe the anxiety, or at least keep me company in the bathroom at school while I sat out a panic attack.

  Walker was right. I didn’t really want to give all of that up. So maybe I didn’t have to keep being the ditzy blonde Molly everyone knew, either. I couldn’t ever be Valkyrie, but I could still be me.

  Chapter Seven

  On the first day of school my first thought was to lock myself in my bathroom and nail the door shut. It had been hard enough working up the nerve to go when all I had to do was show up, keep my head down, and never speak. But now I didn’t have The Plan to fall back on anymore, and my nerves were stretched to the breaking point. Today was going to be completely different than any other day I’d spent in high school.

  Mom had almost had a heart attack when I asked her to go clothes shopping. For the last three years I’d been wearing whatever she brought home for me, so long as it was plain and concealing. Anything too eye-catching went straight back to the store. But now I had to fit in with my new friends and the old stuff had to go. Not that Delaney and the others were fashion queens or anything, but they dressed nice and my usual outfits would have made me stand out against them like a hobo at Senior Prom.

  I felt like a new person in my skinny jeans, ankle boots, and lacy black top. I just wasn’t sure I really was that person. My curls were gone as well as the old clothes. I’d spent an hour with a straightener until my golden hair flowed like falls of silk down past my shoulders. When I looked in the mirror I barely recognized myself. No one would know it was me.

  There was no doubt it was still me on the inside, though. My stomach felt like a seething mass of snakes and my hands were shaking so badly that I had to give up on my makeup. Lip gloss and a bit of eye shadow were all I could manage without it looking like I’d tried to put it on during an earthquake. When I went out to my car I was sweating—but fortunately with it being August in south Texas no one would notice.

  I sent a quick text to Delaney and went across the street to pick her up. She popped into the passenger seat with a wild grin and buckled her seatbelt, excitement shining in her eyes. Well, of course she was excited. She was starting her junior year as Walker Dean’s girlfriend. She’d pulled off what no other girl ever had—tamed the biggest player in school.

  “Are you excited?” she asked me.

  “No. I’m so scared I can’t think straight.”

  She reached over and patted my arm. “It’ll be fine. Just relax. You’ll blend in with us just as well as what you were doing before.”

  While she meant well, I knew better. It wasn’t going to be anything like it had been before. I just hoped I didn’t end up spending the whole first day of school hiding out in the bathroom battling nausea and panic attacks.

  “Now don’t freak out on me,” Delaney said severely. “You’ve got the three of us and Walker to back us up if anyone gives you trouble. No one’s going to cross him.”

  That was true as far as it went, but he was a senior and wasn’t going to be in any of my classes. I’d just have to put as brave a face as I could on it and hold out until lunch time. Then I could go hide and get a respite from my anxiety if I needed to.

  Delaney’s phone buzzed with a text from Allison. The others were already there and waiting for us. That had been Dannika’s idea. We’d all go in together and act like we’d been friends forever, so I’d blend in and most people wouldn’t even notice me.

  But that wasn’t how my mind worked. As soon as we stepped into the halls I’d be convinced that every single eye was on me, scrutinizing, judging, picking out every flaw, wondering what The Ditz was doing with these normal girls. I had always been my own worst enemy.

  It turned out that the foe inside my head was only the first one I was going to have to face that day. It started as soon as Delaney and I got out of the car. Guys paused to look at me the same wa
y they had at the party on the beach, and I got the shivers and my heart started pounding.

  “Delaney…” I murmured as we walked up to Dannika and Allison.

  “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered back.

  The other two were staring at me in surprise.

  Dannika grinned at me and gave me a thumbs up. “Molls, you’re hot.”

  “Yeah. The guys aren’t going to look at us twice with you around,” Allison agreed.

  Great. Just what I didn’t want.

  “You know, if I dress down, don’t wear any makeup, and leave my hair in its usual curly mop I’ll make all three of you look a lot better in comparison.”

  “No,” Delaney said with a little stamp of her foot. “You’re going to be fine.”

  Together we walked around the building and into the quad to wait for the first bell to ring. For the first time I noticed that Delaney was nervous, too, her eyes darting around as she tried to spot Walker without being obvious about it. I think she was still unsure of herself and half-afraid that she’d spot her boyfriend being mobbed by other girls she didn’t think she could compete with.

  Suddenly her phone buzzed, and she looked down at the text.

  HELLO BEAUTIFUL

  As she read the words, they were repeated from directly behind her. She froze and then turned slowly to look up into Walker’s grinning face. In an instant she had melted against him, and I was utterly jealous of the blissful look on her face as she gazed up at him. The two of them looked as though they hadn’t seen each other in months, even though I knew she had snuck out to go hang out at his place the night before.

  “Hey, Molly,” Walker said without looking away from Delaney.

  “Hi.”

  “You look incredible.”

  I blushed, my hands holding my backpack going all sweaty. “Thank you. I think. I’m still not sure this is a good idea.”

  “You’ll be fine,” he told me, echoing Delaney’s words from earlier.

  We found an unoccupied table and sat down. When we were all together facing one another that way it wasn’t so bad. I didn’t feel like all the attention was focused on me. Delaney and Walker made googly eyes at each other while Dannika and Allison talked to me about our classes and schedules. It was normal, and in that moment everything was just as I’d dreamed it would be.