A Babysitter's Guide to Monster Hunting #3

by Joe Ballarini

  “Berna, we need to calculate the trajectory and timing to launch one of us through the air to land on Orgog’s head,” I said.

  “Kelly, this is insane,” Berna said.

  “We don’t have time for sane, Berna,” I said. “That thing’s head is the size of a McDonald’s. You can land one of us on it.”

  Berna furiously chewed her bubble gum and studied the massive bungee-cord slingshot.

  Just beyond the park, trees shattered. Berna licked her finger and felt the wind. Mumbling calculations to herself, she took measured steps across the park and then traced a big X on the dirt.

  “If we can get it to stand right here while we launch the slingshot—given the wind speed, Orgog’s speed and height—that should put whoever is stupid enough to go right on his head.”

  “I love it when you do that,” I said.

  The ground quaked.

  Victor pointed. “Here he comes!”

  “He’s a giant, Victor. We can all see him. You don’t need to shout,” Liz said.

  I sat in the Skyscreamer chair. I did not pull down the safety harness or buckle the seat belt, which felt really weird. My palms were sweating and shaking so bad I could hardly grip my sword.

  “I can’t let you go alone,” Berna said.

  “You need to work the controls,” I said. “The rest of you get Orgog onto that spot.”

  Kevin wailed and gently touched my cheek.

  “You’re too heavy, Kevin,” Berna said.

  Kevin grumbled.

  “What about me?” Victor said, stepping forward.

  Berna looked him up and down and nodded. “Eighty, ninety pounds? Only if you’re up for it, Victor.”

  Victor sat beside me. “You’re lucky I actually like this ride,” he said.

  He held my shivering hand. Under normal circumstances I would have been totally embarrassed about him touching my clammy hand, but I didn’t care. If this was going to work, we needed to be in sync.

  Swallow those butterflies because a whole new flock is coming.

  “Good luck, you two,” Liz said.

  She ran off with Kevin and the monster kids, waving her arms and screaming up at the giant.

  “Crush them!” commanded the Baron.

  Orgog smashed through the Ferris wheel like it was a stack of Lego bricks.

  Berna blew a huge pink bubble while she flipped switches.

  The ride hummed to life.

  “Hang on,” Berna said.

  Clink, clink, clink. Victor and I lurched back in the seat. The bungee cords stretched in front of us.

  “Feels like we’re going to the moon,” I said.

  “Come and get us, you overgrown dog!” Liz shouted.

  The Baron steered Orgog toward Liz and the taunting mutants. With each booming step, the titan approached the X mark.

  With a final clunk the Skyscreamer seat locked into place. The long cords were tight and tense, pulled to their limit.

  Berna’s finger hovered over the red launch button.

  “Wait for it,” Berna said.

  Every muscle in my body trembled with fear. I almost crushed Victor’s fingers.

  “Almost there,” Berna said.

  Victor was staring ahead, muttering a prayer.

  I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. He blinked.

  “You’re awesome,” I said.

  Our frightened eyes locked, and for a moment, the world melted away and we were two kids on a carnival ride.

  “Blast off!” Berna screamed.

  The seat hurtled forward. The g-forces pinned us to our chair. I tried to scream, but my insides squished against my spine. Behind us, the bungee cords snapped. We shot out of our seats and hurled through the sky.

  38

  Through the tears blurring my eyes, I saw Orgog’s tree-sized horns skewering the sky.

  Everything became weightless and light. We were falling. No parachute. No net.

  This might have been a bad idea.

  Victor and I slammed into the colossal, wart-ridden scalp of Orgog. We skidded across the back of his head through a blanket of snow that I quickly realized with disgust was Orgog’s enormous chunks of dandruff.

  Ahead of me, Victor was barreling out of control.

  “Too fast!” Victor screamed.

  He careened across Orgog’s vast noggin and vaulted off his thick brow, falling toward the monster’s roaring, squid-y mouth.

  I caught Victor’s left arm. Braced my legs against forked horns for support. Victor hung over the tentacles of the snarling octopus beard. He looked up at me in thankful shock. Head lice the size of Chihuahuas swarmed up my legs.

  “Behind you!” Victor cried.

  A sword flashed down at me.

  I rolled, dropped Victor, and grabbed my sword.

  Clang! The Wolf’s blade sparked against mine, an inch from my face. Foam seeped from the Baron’s fangs.

  I kicked the huge lice from my ankles. Saw Victor’s fingers clutching Orgog’s brow like it was the edge of a cliff.

  “I’m going to eat you and your friends alive,” snarled the Baron.

  Our swords shrieked. He was heavy and strong.

  “Why, Grandmother. What big eyes you have,” he purred.

  His weight crushed down on me.

  “The better to see you with, my dear,” he said in a grandmotherly voice.

  He suddenly yelped like a coyote. Victor had pulled his furry gray and black tail. The Baron backhanded Victor. Sent him sailing through the air.

  “No!” I screamed.

  A slithering tentacle snapped around Victor’s ankle, catching him in midair. It held him upside down over Orgog’s puckering mouth. Orgog was about to eat my crush.

  “Victor!”

  A powerful fire burned through me. Energy and anger vibrated up my back and into my arms. I chopped through a herd of head lice and ran toward the Wolf.

  Our blades sang.

  We fought across the rocking, tilting titan’s head. The glow of the jewel beaming in the Baron’s clenched paw caught my eyes.

  “Why, Grandmother, what big ears you have!” he squealed.

  We swashbuckled under giant horns. Orgog’s head lice sprang at me. I kicked them as if they were sluggish soccer balls.

  “You have talent. It’s a shame to kill you,” purred the Wolf.

  Victor screamed. He hacked desperately at the slithering tentacles still coiling around his ankles.

  Orgog threw back his head. I lost my footing; stumbled forward. I caught an antler branch, and my sword dropped from my grip and tumbled into Orgog’s vicious tendrils.

  My sword. My weapon. My hope. Gone.

  The Wolf loomed over me, and his blade sliced a swath of my hair off.

  “Get away from her!” Victor cried.

  “You are not in a position to give orders, young man,” the Wolf growled.

  In the distance an airplane engine buzzed.

  Pulsing propeller blades grew louder.

  I looked toward the sound, and hope lifted my heart.

  The DC-3 with the Nanny Brigade had arrived.

  “Right on schedule,” said the Wolf.

  One by one, nanny paratroopers jumped from the plane and parachuted toward Orgog.

  “Babysitters.” The Wolf smiled. “So predictable.”

  The Baron gave his command. Victor swung wildly as the tentacles parted and Orgog’s cavernous mouth widened. Bioluminescent blood coursed across the titan’s tongue, lighting his tonsils up like a disco.

  “Look out!” I screamed.

  A guttural gushing gurgled from deep within the mountainous beast. Orgog projectile vomited oily blue fire. The paratrooper nannies’ parachutes caught aflame, and they fell like shooting stars.

  “No!” I screamed.

  The Nanny Brigade slammed down on the giant’s back and slid wildly down Orgog’s spine. Their flaming parachutes tangled on the beast’s dorsal fins. The paratroopers hung there like tassels on a cowboy’s jacket.


  “Again,” commanded the Baron.

  A blast of blue fire singed a wing of the babysitter plane. The aircraft sputtered and dipped from the sky. Orgog roared and swiped his claws at the circling plane. I saw Mama Vee and Wugnot watching me in awe from a portal window.

  From far below us, I could hear Berna and the monster kids screaming as Orgog’s enormous tail crashed around them. Across the giant’s head, I saw Victor, upside down, about to be pulled apart, limb from limb by powerful tentacles, while my sword dangled uselessly in their suction cups. The whole time Victor’s beautiful brown eyes were locked on mine.

  “See the destruction you’ve caused? You fought nobly, but you have failed. You are finished, child. All of you,” said the Wolf. “Your world is over. Mine is about to begin.”

  The DC-3 wobbled through the sky, trailing black smoke as Orgog’s tail whooshed toward it.

  The Baron kissed his golden sword’s hilt. His eyes glowed in the green gemstone light.

  “For you, my queen, Serena,” the Wolf said.

  My wrists trembled and ached. I was exhausted. Nothing in the tank. But there was a small flicker of light.

  You know what you need to do, Kelly. It’s going to hurt like heck. But it’s the only way.

  39

  Eat sneaker, Baron!

  I did the Swinging Monkey Sitter, kicking my legs up and springing like a jackhammer. My shoes cracked the Wolf’s nose. I frantically grabbed his glowing emerald paw.

  He snarled and sunk his fangs into my arm. His teeth pierced my skin. Flashing, blinding pain knifed through my flesh. My arm snapped, the bone breaking under the Baron’s bite.

  Don’t pass out. You did this for a reason. Close combat.

  I cried out. He shook me like a chew toy.

  He thinks you’re done for. He’s lowered his defenses. Now’s your chance. Grab it!

  My free hand grabbed the Wolf’s wagging tail. I yanked it like I was trying to start a lawn mower.

  “Eeeeah!” the Baron yelped, and dropped my ragged arm from his mouth.

  My blood dripped from his hideous fangs as his eyes flashed hungrily. “Blood of the babysitter. My favorite.”

  His tongue slurped across his messy snout. He wanted more.

  “Why, Grandmother, what big teeth you have,” he snarled.

  I showed him the clump of fur in my fist. “I’m going to make a carpet out of you, Baron.”

  “Kelly!” Victor cried.

  Victor had managed to pry my sword lose from the tentacles. He flung it to me.

  I dove, my good arm reaching out.

  “All the better to eat you with!” screamed the Baron.

  The Baron lunged. I caught my sword. Gripped it tight. With every ounce of strength and breath I had, I spun wildly.

  The Wolf gasped. He stared at his severed wrist.

  His paw thumped down at my feet. Emerald light radiated in its grasp. I pried the jewel from his claws. It felt like reaching into a BBQ grill and grabbing a burning coal. Ethereal light swirled around my fist. Heat raced up my arm.

  Unimaginable power surged in me. For a moment I forgot the sting of my broken arm tucked against my side. Monstrous noises and chants buzzed in my brain. I felt somehow connected to Orgog.

  “Orgog the Annihilator, hear my command!” I shouted.

  The giant slowed.

  He was listening to me.

  The jewel pulsed in my fist. The power put a wicked smile on my face.

  “No, no, no!” the Baron shouted.

  The Wolf sprang at me. I stood still and concentrated.

  “Die!” the Baron screamed.

  A flurry of tentacles snatched him in midair. Orgog’s squid-y feelers coiled around the Wolf, hoisting him over the giant’s mouth.

  The Baron whimpered like a scared puppy.

  I looked at Victor. My crush was gently lowered to my side, as if the tentacles were the loving hands of a masseuse. The great Orgog made a happy, kissing noise. Because we were connected, Orgog the Almighty also had a crush on Victor.

  I focused on the fiery airplane plummeting from the sky. Orgog’s claws reached out and caught it. The gigundo beast gently cradled the DC-3 like it was a toy.

  The startled faces of the Nanny Brigade, Mama Vee, and Wugnot stared back at me as I had Orgog set the plane down beside Liz, Berna, and Kevin.

  Orgog carefully plucked the helpless Nanny Brigade paratroopers from his back.

  Mama Vee, Wugnot, and Elder Pressbury stared up at us in wonderment.

  “Miss Ferguson?” shrieked Elder Pressbury.

  “Hi, Elder Pressbury!” I said. “Thanks for coming!”

  Orgog and I waved hello.

  Pressbury’s jaw fell open.

  “You have broken the peace treaty, you hag!” shouted Baron von Eisenvult.

  Elder Pressbury adjusted her flight goggles and crossed her hands delicately.

  “And we have evidence you infringed upon it, von Eisenvult,” Elder Pressbury said.

  Then the tiny old lady pointed up at me.

  “Thanks to this young troublemaker,” she said, smiling.

  “You’ve started a war, babysitter!” howled the Wolf. “The others will bring a reign of fire and fear on your heads for what you’ve done to us. You think we Boogeymen are the only monsters in the world?”

  I scowled at the Wolf, and Orgog shook him back and forth, shutting him up.

  “I think when your buddies see that we beat the Big Bad Wolf, they’ll be so scared they’ll want to talk peace,” I said. “And we seriously need to talk peace, because I have to get good grades in high school next year. If I’m out all the time, mopping the floor with you bozos, I won’t have time to keep a three-point-nine average. Things need to change. This whole monsters killing humans and vice versa . . . It’s stupid. So just chill.”

  “Chill, indeed!” shouted Elder Pressbury in agreement.

  Swaying upside down by Orgog’s feelers, the Big Bad Wolf gnashed his teeth.

  “Never!” His eyes burned into me. “You cannot destroy us. We are evil. And evil is eternal. I will forever haunt you and every child like you. You merely sent the Grand Guignol to the Nothing World, darling. He could reappear in a child’s nightmare at any time.”

  I gulped.

  Did not know that.

  “And my Serena? She’s merely in a death cocoon. She could return as a twelve-foot-wide butterfly vampire!”

  Eesh. Also news to me.

  “One day, no matter how old you are, one of us will find you and we will kill you. We will forever haunt you and your children’s children’s children. I promise you that. You think you’re going to change the world? Grow up! You can’t. Evil is eternal. You’re only confident because you’re holding that jewel. Without it or your friends, you are nothing. Weak, small. Zero.”

  I inhaled sharply. Air rushed into Orgog’s lungs.

  “You can’t tear me or my friends down anymore. We might be kids. But we can change the world,” I said.

  I held up my green glowing fist. “We have the power now,” I said.

  Orgog’s humungous mouth opened.

  “Good-bye, Baron,” I said.

  Tentacles swung the Baron down Orgog’s gullet.

  The squid mouth slammed shut, and a horrible howl cried from inside Orgog’s crushing maw. It was a gut-wrenching sound, like a riot in a dog pound.

  I burped. Orgog belched blue fire.

  The giant bowed down and knelt before the Nanny Brigade and the babysitters. Victor and I slid off Orgog’s forehead and stood on solid ground.

  “Yeah, Ferguson!” Liz yelled.

  “Babysitters rule!” screamed Berna.

  The monster kids howled in unison and sounded like a hundred victory trombones.

  Berna and Liz and Kevin embraced us tight. I winced. Blood soaked my right sleeve.

  “Medic!” shouted Victor.

  A nanny medic hustled to my side with a first aid kit. I clenched my jaw in pain as they cl
eaned the Wolf bites and put my arm in a sling.

  “Yep. That’s definitely broken,” I hissed.

  “Hope you don’t turn into a werewolf now,” Victor joked.

  “Dude, that’s not funny,” Berna said. She looked me up and down with concern. “I’ll need to run some tests.”

  Mama Vee rushed up to me. She was breathless. “Kelly, you guys. You made it,” she said, holding me by the shoulders. “I tried to get them to mobilize sooner.”

  “We lost contact with the Maine crew,” Wugnot said. “I was hoping they’d find you.”

  I thought of Emmy Banks being lifted away by a gargoyle.

  “Emmy and Jenny didn’t make it,” I said.

  Seeing our saddened expressions, the sitters realized Emmy and Jenny had come to our rescue and had given their lives to help us. And now they were gone.

  “We’ll give them a hero’s funeral,” Wugnot said, removing his trucker hat.

  The green gemstone glowed in my hand. It sparkled in Vee’s eye.

  “The jewel of Orgog,” she said, reaching for the radiant power stone. “On the bright side it’s more beautiful than I ever imagined. May I? I’ve always wanted a jade like that.”

  Wugnot’s tail blocked her from the sparkling gem. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Vee.”

  Mama Vee snapped out of it. She blinked. Wiped her forehead. “Whoa! What’s wrong with me? We have to get off this island.”

  Elder Pressbury walked among the mutant monster kids. At her side a nanny held a clipboard with a missing children list, and their photographs.

  “Fiona Dubowski?” Elder Pressbury called out.

  From the pack, a chestnut brown paw slowly raised.

  The nanny checked the monster kid’s name off the list.

  Elder Pressbury studied the furry beast boys and girls. Her eyes glistened. “You’re going home.”

  The creatures grunted happily and circled Pressbury. Her icy facade dropped, and she kindly patted their shoulders.

  “You poor, poor dears. I am sorry I did not act sooner,” said Pressbury. “This way, boys and girls. The nannies will see to you and help reunite you with your families.”

  I saw Kevin watching me through the crowd. Our eyes met, and he jumped to my side. He sadly pointed at my broken arm in its sling.