Waiting on my Reason

by Devon Ashley

  “Oh! No, that’s okay,” I blurted. “Shane was just leaving too.”

  “What?” he cried.

  I slammed my palms flat against his body. Dear God, there were some nice ridges hiding under that shirt! My hands slid up to his pecks and pushed. “Yeah. You have to go now.”

  “Are you for real?” he asked. He was slowly backing his way through the room but it had nothing to do with the strength of my push…or lack thereof.

  “Very. I can’t. I need to sleep on this.”

  With a wicked smile, he flattened his hands over mine and sassed, “I’m all for you sleeping on me. Let’s go.”

  Chelsie burst out in laughter. Why the hell hadn’t she left yet?

  “Ha ha. You’re funny,” I sarcastically remarked. “But not tonight.” I guided him all the way to the door. Chelsie had already gone through and let it close behind her. “Good night, Shane.”

  Suddenly, I was whipped around and slammed against the wall, his body smothering mine, connecting what seemed every inch of our bodies. Obviously, I wasn’t the only one aroused at the moment. “What, no kiss goodnight?” he teased.

  His eyes, his fingers as they caressed the side of my face…it was all hypnotizing. And I wanted him so badly, enough that I was on the verge of letting him take me right there. But hell if our first time was going to be in this bar. With a whisper, I said, “If I kiss you, I won’t be able to stop.”

  His mouth became dangerously close. If I were to lick my lips right now, I could easily hydrate his as well. “And why would that be such a bad thing?” he whispered back, his hand slipping beneath my shirt, rubbing gently against my skin, his thumb inching higher with each sweep.

  Oh, Lordy… I took a deep breath to calm myself. My insides were so ticked when I quietly answered, “Not bad. Just too fast.”

  After a moment, he nodded. “Okay.” His lips softly kissed my cheek and he pushed off, removing his body from mine and slipping his way out the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

  All I could do was nod my head until the door closed. I gasped and took in several more breaths, my chest beginning to bruise from all the elevated beats that had been pounding away. I briskly rubbed my arms, smoothing the goosebumps popping up now that his hot body wasn’t pressed against mine.

  Gawd. What was wrong with me? The moment he touched me I lost all self-control. Like a freaking horny teenager. I huffed over that thought. Hell, the last time I had sex I was a horny teenager. And I ended up pregnant.

  My head fell back against the drywall and I groaned, my palms flat against my forehead. I hadn’t even told him about Jake yet. Seriously, I could not get involved with a guy without telling him I had a kid first. So that’s what I’d do. Next time I saw him, I’d break it to him. Being with me meant an actual relationship, and not only with me, but with a little boy, too.

  I awoke to rhythmic bouncing, which unfortunately, had nothing to do with Shane and the bedroom scenario I was currently dreaming about. To my left came quiet giggling. I was groaning, swaying my head back and forth in annoyance, trying to reach out and stop it, but the little toot kept jumping farther and farther away. Why the hell did I have a queen-sized bed anyway? It wasn’t like I ever brought anyone home.

  Of course, it was a hand-me-down from my parents, but still.

  “Jake, baby,” I moaned, my eyes refusing to open and acknowledge the morning, “Mommy’s still tired.”

  Of course that didn’t get him to stop – he was barely four years old. In times like this, I wasn’t beyond a little bribery. “If you stop bouncing, I’ll make you chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.”

  Finally, my world stopped rocking and I sighed. “With the white stuff?”

  Whipped cream. Leave it to him to add more sugary calories that’ll make him spaz out before crashing from a sugar coma. But I hardly got to see him much these days and I loved to make our time together as special as possible. “Mmm-hmm. Just give Mommy a few minutes to wake up, okay? Go find a cartoon to watch.”

  One more bounce meant he fell to his butt to crawl off, then he ran out of the room yelling yay! Yay indeed. I was looking forward to hitting my mental snooze button when my freaking phone began to ring. Seemed no one wanted to give me a break this morning. I fumbled for it blindly, refusing to take my other arm off my eyes.

  “Hello,” I grumbled, not even bothering to check the caller ID. Anyone calling me at this God-forsaken hour deserved my cranky attitude.

  “Good,” a tired voice mumbled, “I’m not the only one having trouble getting out of bed.”

  My arm swung to the bed as I arced myself up onto my elbows. “Shane?”

  “Remind me why I’m not waking up in your bed this morning?”

  “How did you get my number?” I asked, all bright-eyed and suddenly alert to the world.

  “Chelsie. Last night when you went all one-eighty on my ass. You didn’t answer my question.”

  “Because I’m not one of your playthings here to be your personal sex toy,” I answered bluntly. Yeah. Not a morning person.

  “Good point,” he replied, “and probably why I’ve always wanted you instead of the others. So when will you be at work? I plan to bug you your entire shift.”

  “Today’s my day off.” I collapsed onto the bed again, wishing I could fall asleep right then, despite my inner fangirling over Shane’s attention. “And before you ask, yes, I would like to meet with you, but I’ve got some things to do this morning. How about this afternoon?”

  “Sounds like a plan. Where and when?”

  “Uh… at the park? Say two?” If I had to tell him about Jake, I might as well just let them meet.

  “Alright,” he said amidst a yawn. “Goodnight.”

  Goodnight? I quietly called him a bastard and chucked my phone at my feet. No way I was going to be lucky enough to catch a few more Z’s.

  Once I made the breakfast I promised him, Jake and I made our weekly run to the grocery store. I loved having him with me, but I also hated taking him. For every healthy item I put into the basket, he tried to add two of the opposite. It was a losing battle. With different people taking care of him and trying to keep him happy, he had learned to take advantage of it, always manipulating everyone into giving him something he really didn’t need. I’d be the first to admit I fell for it every day.

  When we got back home, I made him his favorite lunch – grilled cheese with ham, then blackmailed him into cleaning up his room by telling him we couldn’t leave for the park until he did. Huh…maybe he learned those manipulation skills from me after all.

  Jake finished quickly, and instead of making him wait at the house, bouncing endlessly against the walls like a hyperactive game of ping pong, I drove him to the park a half hour early. He ran off to the jungle gym, slowly warming up to the idea of playing with another little boy, who kept trying to engage him.

  The boy’s mother was lost in a novel, so I sat opposite the playground, grateful for the time to focus on my own thoughts. The early spring air was still crisp, and I inhaled deeply several times, enjoying the fact that it wasn’t the smoky air I usually had to choke on. I kept glancing at my phone, actually shocked that only two minutes ever passed between each look. Shit. How nervous was I to see Shane again? And why the hell couldn’t I get him out of my head?

  I swear I was fixated on him more than ever before. “Probably because I let him put his hands all over me,” I muttered to myself through barely-parted lips. Hell, I’d do it again too. I just couldn’t believe the rush of energy I felt every time he came near. There had been two guys who caught my eyes the past few years, but neither ever came close to turning me on like this. And now that I knew what it felt like to be within his arms, his lips running along my skin....holy hell. I just melted away, self-control jumping out the window never to be seen again. I really wanted him. For once, could life just throw me a bone and let me have some cake? I loved cake. I missed cake.

  The twentieth check to my phone fin
ally flashed my new favorite numbers. Two-hundred, or two o’clock on the dot. Then my new addiction became staring at the street without trying to appear like I was staring at the street. Yeah. Pathetic. Luckily, I only had to suffer that for four little minutes. I didn’t know for sure if it was him inside the black Dodge Ram with the tinted windows, but my heart went so spastic I knew it had to be.

  When I saw him walk around the truck, my insides did a little flutter, to the point I found it necessary to tell it all to shut the hell up already. Last thing I needed was to come off like a school-girl crush. I made my way toward him, wrapping myself up to protect against the chill of the wind. He was casually dressed in jeans and a short-sleeved t-shirt, the cool weather not even an issue for him. His cap and sunglasses covered up my favorite features, but that was probably a good thing right about now. No need to turn me on even more than I’d already been these past fourteen hours.

  “So did you have fun sleeping in without me?” he jested, coming to a halt just a few feet away, making no attempt at connecting our bodies in any way.

  I chuckled lightly, my smile feeling completely free and natural. “I’m sure you recovered just fine.”

  “Not in the slightest.” He scanned the park with his eyes, closing in on Jake and his new sand box buddy, the only two kids in the park right now. “So…why are we meeting here?”

  All we could really see right now was the back of Jake’s body, which suited me just fine, because he wouldn’t be tempted to run over here to see who my new friend was, totally blowing my news before I got to spit it out. Having to admit to Shane that I had a kid was hardly going to be easy, but I figured it was best to just get it out. Rip the Band-Aid, you know?

  “The main reason I didn’t want to…you know…was because I hadn’t told you something that I think you should know first.”

  He looked to me suspiciously. “Okay…”

  I exhaled a quick breath. “I hadn’t gotten around to telling you about Jake yet.”

  “Jake?” he repeated loudly. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. How many guys out there wanted to date a woman with a kid? It was exactly why I hadn’t bothered to put myself out there since he was born.

  Maybe both of us wearing sunglasses was a good thing after all, because I could feel myself losing my nerve. If I had to look him directly in the eyes, I wasn’t sure I could do it.

  “My son,” I said softly.

  “Your son?” he said even more loudly.

  I didn’t like the way he was saying that, aggressive almost, and I completely fumbled for words, totally confused by it. “I…What?”

  I inhaled a breath so deep it stung my chest. I heard her wrong. I had to have. I found myself shaking my head and turning away from her, all the while saying no again and again.

  “What do you mean no?” she asked hotly. “You know, if you have a problem with me having a kid, you know where the door is. Or in this case, the exit to the park.

  “Have a nice day,” she added with a hint of venom.

  But I didn’t go anywhere, the inside of my head feeling like it was suddenly heavy and flooded, my thoughts drowning so badly I couldn’t think straight. Eventually, I managed to release the bite I held on my tongue. “I don’t care that you have a son. What’s bothering me is that you’ve given him Brad’s last name.”

  That seemed to silence her, and I finally turned back to her. Her face was scrunched as she analyzed me, her arms now tightly crossed in front of her. “How do you know that? Why do you know that?” After pausing for a moment, it dawned on her. “What are you really doing here, Shane?”

  I minimized the gap between us and she stood her ground, letting me stop when our faces had just a one foot berth. “I came here to find out why Brad didn’t receive any type of inheritance when his grandmother passed away.”

  Her mouth fell open and her eyes moved to the playground behind me. Finally, her stiffened body rocked enough that she had to step back and balance herself.

  “Her attorney told me it went to a Jake Montgomery. I thought it was just some older relation we just hadn’t ever heard of before.” I took the step to bring us closer again, my eyes dead set on hers even though she refused to look my way again. “Imagine my surprise when I found out Jake was only a few years old. And now you’re telling me that you have a son named Jake? Please tell me you’re not the woman I’m looking for. That there’s some other woman out there trying to claim Brad as the father of another boy named Jake.”

  She opened her mouth to breathe deep, then let it out so slowly her cheeks puffed to capacity.

  “Answer me, Mel. Are you the one who got her life insurance payout?”

  Something was firing in her head, making her mouth continually move around as her monologue decided on what to say. When she finally turned to me, her eyes were set harder than I’d ever seen before. “So what if I am? If you think I’m giving a cent of it to Brad, then you’re... No. My answer’s no to whatever it is you’re thinking. You keep that son of a bitch away from me.”

  “That’s kind of hard now that you’re trying to pass him off as the father!” I yelled in a hushed voice. “Jesus, Mel! Why would you do this?”

  Confused or annoyed, I had no idea, but the look she gave me was solid. “Do what exactly?” she bit back.

  “Maybe you didn’t know this, but Brad can’t have kids! So why’d you do it? Why did you claim him as the father? Was it just to get your hands on some of his grandmother’s money? Because if it was, that was just fucking low.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me? He told you he can’t have kids and you just believed him?”

  “Of course I believed him. Why wouldn’t I? He’s never lied to me.”

  “Have I?” she snapped. I pressed my lips together. In truth, she hadn’t, but I didn’t know her nearly as well as Brad, nor for nearly as long. She huffed and shook her head. “You see, that right there. That’s why I’m walking away from this conversation. It doesn’t matter what I say because you’re going to side with him regardless.”

  “Then give me the proof I need to believe you. Let’s go get a paternity test done.”

  “Screw you,” she replied. She turned on me and began walking away, but I refused to just stay behind.

  “Sounds awfully guilty, Mel. Why wouldn’t you submit to one if Brad’s really the father?”

  She turned on me so quickly I nearly ran into her. “Because you’re not really here for that. You don’t give a shit about Jake and what’s best for him. All you fucking care about is the money. And I’ve got news for you. Whether or not Jake’s related to Brad won’t change the fact that Joyce gave that money to Jake. It’s irrefutable.”

  “Joyce, huh? So you were on a first name basis with her then?”

  “Yeah, I was. You’ve got a problem with that?”

  “As a matter of fact, I do. Because it’s seeming more and more like you inserted yourself into her life as it came to a close. You’re not even related. She was your ex’s grandmother who you knew treated Brad like shit. Who the hell gets to know someone like that other than to profit from them in some way?”

  She was breathing hard, her chest falling and rising quickly, but she refused to answer me.

  “What kind of lies did you fill her head with, huh?”

  Very slowly, she said, “You need to leave. If you’re going to side with that drunk bastard, then you’re not the guy I thought you were.”

  “You want to know who I am? I’m the guy who’s pre-law, and you know what I see right now? I see a woman who won’t submit to a DNA test because she already knows Brad isn’t the biological father. I see a woman who probably lied to an old woman about Jake being her relation, and who managed to get herself a pretty good payout in return. That’s called fraud.

  “I am your friend, Mel, but right now I’m not the one in the wrong. And I won’t let Brad be taken advantage of, even by you. And if you won’t willingly do a DNA test, then you’re forcing my hand. You’re the one who
gave him the Montgomery name. You’re the one who told Joyce he was Brad’s. There’s enough probable cause to get the courts to make you do the test.”

  “It’s never going to end, is it?” The weakness of her voice surprised me so much that it stilled me, not to mention the fact that I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. “Just. Leave.”

  This time when she walked off, I let her. She crossed the playground and called to a boy to follow along with her. The shorter of the two did, but with his hoodie up over his head, all I saw was the back side of him as they made their way to her car. I sighed and meandered my way toward the truck. By the time I got there, Mel was pulling out and driving off in the opposite direction.

  I stood there leaning against my driver’s side door. What the hell was I supposed to do now? Ten minutes ago I was giddy – fucking giddy – that I was on my way to meet Mel, to find a way to make her mine on a permanent basis. It kept me up all night, just thinking about her, imagining that I could actually have the kind of life with her I’d always dreamed about. I knew that I had to do whatever was necessary to make her mine. Just ten minutes ago that was the plan.

  How the hell did Mel end up being the one who screwed over Brad? Mel? Sweet, kind-hearted, wouldn’t swat a fly on purpose, Mel? And how could she seriously even think I could just walk away and not do anything about it? There was a difference between right and wrong, and if I couldn’t uphold my own convictions right now, what chance in hell did I have to do it through the years to come? In the future, I was going to have to put away a lot of people who had others depending on them the way Jake did on his mother. I was just going to have to harden my heart to it, not let the guilt keep me up at night.

  But how the hell was I supposed to do that with the woman I’d wanted for years now?

  And why the hell did she have to force me into the position to do so?

  In less than fifteen minutes, I was sitting in front of the sheriff’s desk. Because in small towns like this, the police department was rarely busy and the head honcho was always available to see you in person. I knew this guy. His name was Hank Litskin, father of Petey, who went to high school with me, and who also got stuck playing baseball, football and basketball because there just weren’t enough guys not to. Unlike me, he preferred football, and Petey was another one that I hadn’t seen since I moved away.