The History in Us

by L. B. Dunbar

  “What about AJ?” she whispered, still remaining plastered to the door.

  “Don’t think of him.” I wanted five minutes where I could be free of thoughts of a child interrupting us. Slowly stroking down her bare arms, I returned to her shoulders and tugged the thin straps of her dress. They caught in the crook of her elbows, her breasts still hidden but hinting at release with the slightest movement.

  “This dress is incredible and you in it is even more amazing.” Katie smiled shyly back at me, but she wasn’t shy. No, this girl was eager for me, and her fisted fingers in my dress shirt told me so.

  “I feel like a princess,” she honestly offered me.

  “Ah, my fantasy girl, so tell me a story. What would the princess like?” I teased, kissing her neck, tempting the material to fall free and release those breasts. Her head shook.

  “Tell me.”

  “I can’t,” she whispered. My mouth twitched. I loved a challenge.

  “Tell me. Let me fulfill your fantasy.”

  “I…”

  “Speak,” I demanded in her ear as I blew over the curved lobe.

  “A hero would fall at my knees. He’d lift my dress and worship me.”

  I don’t think my dick could’ve gotten any harder. I pulled back and stared. The pink in her skin crawled in blotches over her neck from the hint of her breasts. Her mouth opened to speak, but I awkwardly fell to my knees. My mouth covered the apex of her thighs, exhaling harshly over silk fabric to warm her. My hands started at her ankles, and lifted the silky material, dragging it dangerously slow over her shins and around her thighs, dangling it in a way to caress her sensitive skin, before finally coming to rest above her hips. She stood fully exposed to me, and I planned to do nothing short of worship her. I held the dress bunched in one hand while the other slipped between her thighs and pressed to separate them. There was a soft thud at the door, and I looked up to find her head had fallen back against the wood. I exhaled again over the heat of her, receiving a quiet moan in response, and my mouth took the signal. My tongue lapped over her, hot and hungry. Her hands came to the back of my head and she held me in place with tender scratches at the base of my skull. I savored her richness, loving her scrapes, and drinking in each moan.

  “Levi, I…” Her thighs trembled, but I pressed on, spreading her wider to accommodate my face. I breathed in her sultry scent as I tasted her until she came.

  I pulled back slowly, pressing kisses to her inner thighs before standing awkwardly. During my feast, her dress had shifted and one breast stood fully exposed. My mouth reached for it and latched on, savoring a new flavor, and pinching her nipples to peak with my teeth. Hands returned to my head and tugged me away. Her mouth sought mine, and we kissed against the door until I couldn’t stand it any longer.

  “This dress needs to come off.” She straightened her arms, and the material cascaded to the floor. My breath hitched as my lips collided with hers, drawing her into me. I couldn’t resist her any longer.

  “Katie?” Her name a question, her name a plea, the sound rang in my ears, reminiscent of all the times I conquered the memory of her, adding my own fantasy, and knowing in that moment the reality of her body would surpass anything in my imagination. I stepped back, guiding her to my room, leading her like the princess she was meant to be. Pressing her back toward the bed, I lowered her to the mattress, and then stood quickly to remove my shirt and shoes. I climbed over her, not wanting to be separated for more than a moment and my hands returned to mapping her body. Over shoulders, down arms, up thighs, to a treasure I’d recently had the pleasure of discovering, I filled her with fingers too eager to wait and her quiet moan assured me she was close again.

  “Wait for me,” I whispered, and her eyes flipped opened.

  “I’ve been waiting,” she whispered in return. Her arms circled my neck, and I fumbled with my pants. Down went my boxers and tux trousers, and I sprang to attention. Delicate fingers surrounded the hard length of me, the tender strokes making me feel like I’d come out of my skin.

  “I can’t take it,” I muttered to her jaw as my mouth formed a pattern from neck to ear to chin.

  “Take me,” she mumbled, and the words nearly did me in. Primed at her core, her thighs enveloping my hips, I thrust forward and saw stars. Something strong, something fierce, something hidden deep inside me rippled up the back of my legs, crossed my spine, and prickling over my chest. I couldn’t even give her a second to get used to me despite her hitched breath. I repeated the movement, drawing to the edge of her before thrusting forward again to recapture the sensation. It would never be the same as that first connection, and yet, each repetition, each rhythm from her in response to me, built something stronger.

  “Katie,” I groaned, knowing it had been too long, I was too pent up.

  “It’s okay,” she whispered, but it wasn’t.

  “Not without you,” I grunted, slowing the pace and slipping my hand between us, searching for the spot that triggered her.

  “Levi.” My name caught in her throat as her head sprang from the bed. The dual sensation pushing her farther than I imagine she’d ever been pressed. Her thighs clenched and her nails gripped the back of my neck. The heel of one foot pressed into my lower back. I couldn’t get deep enough and yet, she drew me deeper. Her open mouth came to my neck, and I sensed she wanted to scream, but AJ was in the next room.

  “Let it go,” I muttered. “Let it be me.” My voice strained, and she struggled on my name before her head fell back. Blue eyes bright as a summer’s day peered up at me and I lost my last thread of control. Pressing upward, I released years of fantasy.

  Katie

  Frightened would never be a word I’d use to describe Levi Walker, and yet those deep chocolate eyes, filled with amusement one moment and hollow the next, looked completely scared out of his mind as he finished.

  “I didn’t use a condom, but I swear I’m clean.”

  That wasn’t exactly the first thought I had. My first had been how perfect he felt inside me. If I’d had starry-eyed visions of Levi Walker before, they were nothing compared to what he had just done to me. I’d never felt so complete, and my eyes watered instantly.

  The crash of his words brought a second thought—pregnancy.

  “It’s okay,” he said, quickly withdrawing from me, as a tear betrayed me. Sliding down to my hairline, it seeped behind my ear. He kissed me awkwardly on the cheek before pressing upward and stepping away from the bed. I didn’t move. I didn’t have the strength physically or emotionally. I wanted to relive each detail but my heart suddenly ached. How could I feel so full and so empty at the same time?

  Levi returned within seconds, and a warm washcloth pressed between my legs. The soothing heat felt good, and surprisingly, sparked weak hope of repeating what we’d just shared. What we’d just done, I corrected myself, sensing the act complete. Finished. Final. I was quite convinced Levi and I had not shared the same experience. For me, our connection had been everything. For him, I couldn’t even imagine.

  “I can’t get pregnant. I’m on the pill, so don’t worry.” His brows pinched. His face stern. His quiet demeanor and hollow eyes returned, but he slipped to my side and pulled me to him. His lips pressed to the sharp angle of my shoulder.

  “Thank you,” he whispered. Stunned, I spun to face him.

  “For what?” I chuckled without humor.

  “For giving me that.” Deep eyes searched my face but refused to meet my eyes. He wasn’t admitting anything, but the gratitude sounded sincere. I rolled to face away from him but pressed deeper against his bare chest.

  “You aren’t going to leave, are you?” His words troubled me, the tone of his voice weak, almost childlike, filled with fear. My hand caressed up his forearm, which was crossed over my chest, pinning me to him. Fingers circled the metal band at his wrist—a medical band I’d come to learn.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Levi,” I tried to assure him, but my own voice trembled. I’d never leave
him, unless he wanted me to go. Despite his question, though, I wasn’t convinced he wanted me to stay longer than that night.

  * * *

  Two days later, I broached the subject of Thanksgiving. “What do you do for the holiday?”

  Stunned Levi, looked up at me from his corner of the couch. I was sitting on the floor, my laptop on his coffee table, typing up information for our project. We’d collected a variety of images in black and white, finding the historical sepia copies online with plans to find the current architecture and take modern photos.

  “I…I hadn’t thought of it. I didn’t plan on doing anything.” His eyes shifted from me to the silent television and back. “I think AJ’s too young to notice the difference whether we celebrate or not.”

  I was curious what he had done the previous year as he had been with Alicia at the time. He’d hinted her family didn’t care for him. They didn’t like his military history and his late-in-life college degree. Photographer was also not high on their list of future-son-in-law wannabes. Alicia’s family had strongly misjudged him, but I didn’t offer my opinion. In fact, we hardly spoke of her so the rare admissions were surprising.

  “Want to come home with me?”

  Levi froze, hands hovering over his laptop. His eyes fell to his fingers and his brow pinched. Instantly, I regretted the hope in my voice. I tried to sound nonchalant, easy-going, like it would be no big deal for him to return to his hometown with me. Our hometown. We weren’t an item. We weren’t a thing, but I still thought it would be kind to invite him.

  “I am home.” The sharpness to his voice told me I’d made a mistake in my assumptions. “I’ve told you that.”

  “I know.” I swallowed. “But I thought it would be nice to spend time with family.”

  His eyes shot up to mine. “I don’t have family,” he groaned, scratching the stubble under his chin.

  “Uncle Leon and Aunt Tricia would love to see you.”

  “Have you told them about me?” he barked, his voice instantly getting deeper, severe in his displeasure.

  “No, I just thought…” My throat tightened.

  “Don’t.”

  “Excuse me.”

  “Just…don’t tell them about me and don’t think I’d like to go back or see anyone from there ever again. It isn’t home to me and hasn’t been for a long time. I don’t need to go back.”

  I noticed he hadn’t said want—it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see them, he didn’t need to see them. I was ready to argue the point, but the expression on his face told me the argument was finished. He wasn’t going to accept my invitation.

  “Fine,” I muttered, turning back to my computer screen. I saw him in the reflection of it, though, as the light crossed the panel. He was still staring at his own screen, fingers no longer typing, eyes not reading. I couldn’t imagine all that haunted him, but I wasn’t going to press. He wasn’t going to tell me anyway.

  * * *

  An hour later, I stood to leave, my knees cracking from sitting cross legged. It was the only sound in the room after sixty minutes of silence. We’d only spoken occasionally to mention an idea or something we found.

  “Where are you going?” Levi snapped, and I realized moody Levi had remained.

  “I’m going home,” I said without looking up at him. I bent at the waist to gather my things. “I mean my apartment,” I clarified, sensing the use of home was the wrong word. Instantly, my hips were encircled, and I was tugged backward. I fell onto Levi’s lap, gripping the papers in my hands. Those too were tugged and flung to the opposite side of the couch. Warm lips came to the back of my neck.

  “Don’t leave like this,” he mumbled and that strange sound of fear filled his voice.

  “I’m not sure you want me to stay,” I offered, lowering my head, tempted to cover his arms with my hands, but unsure about where I stood with Levi. Two days, and we’d had no repeat of the other night. A tender kiss on my cheek, a subtle chin-nod in class, but no sign that what we’d done had even happened.

  “I don’t want you to go.” I noted that wasn’t an admission he wanted me to stay, but I settled into his thighs and his hands lowered to mine. He swiped up and down, over my jeans, before separating my legs at the knees. My head fell back to his shoulders at the tender touch. He knew what he was doing to me.

  “Levi,” I murmured, noticing AJ in his bouncy seat. A kiss came to my shoulder.

  “Don’t leave,” he pleaded. Hands covered the tops of my thighs and squeezed tight. It was the only hint I had that he wanted to repeat the other night.

  “Later,” his tone promised.

  * * *

  “Playing house with him isn’t healthy,” Penelope commented while I stood next to her cutting vegetables a week later. She demanded a girl’s night in, and I couldn’t deny her. I’d been spending tons of time with Levi, but only recently had the nights been indescribable. Levi knew his way around a bed and I had much to learn. Luckily, I’d always been a fast learner and enjoyed my studies. While he was aloof in public, in private, he was slowly growing more attentive with soft touches and open kisses before AJ. But in the privacy of his bedroom, the real Levi Walker unleashed and free reign liberty was what he took from me. I didn’t complain. Not one bit, but I needed the night for a little breather. I didn’t disagree with Penelope.

  “We aren’t playing house,” I laughed, nervously sensing we were. We ate dinner together, often me cooking his groceries. We spent time with AJ collectively, and people continued to mistake us for a family.

  “This isn’t one of your fairy tales, Katie. This is real life.” The words were said softly, gently, but they pinched. Penelope was right. This wasn’t Nana’s playhouse where Gee and I pretended to be a princess and a knight. I would slay the dragons if he was good to me. This was reality, and I couldn’t slay the demons within Levi’s mind if he didn’t share them with me. On more than one occasion he’d grown quiet and reserved. His attention wandered, and I sensed he was miles from Chicago, crossing oceans, and buried deep in the desert heat. Other times, I’d seen the hollowness take his eyes. He’d become still and stare, questioning his surroundings. Even a tender touch to his face didn’t rouse him.

  “I think he suffers from PTSD,” I said. “His life is far from a fantasy, Penelope.” Penelope stopped chopping and looked at me.

  “That’s not what I mean.” Her voice grew gruff. “The two of you together isn’t healthy. He’s on the rebound, Katie. I’m sorry, but no man goes for the next girl, especially not with a baby.” I stilled with the knife pressed to the board. The words were harsh.

  “You think I don’t know that?” I didn’t, actually. I wanted to live in my own naïve fantasy and I hated myself for it. I was the rebound. The transition girl. I was never going to be anything more to Levi. Unfortunately, he meant so much more to me.

  Penelope shifted her entire body to stare at me.

  “Katie Kat,” she said softly, but I shook my head. I didn’t need her sympathy for my stupidity. I’d been having the best sex of my life. The only true sex of my life and it was confusing me.

  “It’s fine,” I lied, cringing at my own use of the words. I didn’t want fine. I deserved better.

  Levi

  “I got the interview,” I said sheepishly. My heart raced with the statement. I couldn’t believe it. Jet Markenson had pulled through for me and set me up with his connection, but I was worried how Katie would receive the news. She stopped typing on her computer. Suddenly, she launched toward me, knocking me back into the corner of the couch.

  “Why didn’t you say something earlier? That’s amazing.” Her enthusiasm was more than I expected but contagious. It was amazing.

  “It’s not a promise of anything. Just an interview, but…”

  “I still think that’s super exciting.” Her voice rose and I became hyperaware of her nails working on the back of my head. She had this way of scratching my skull that made my skin tingle, but I held in the prickles, enjo
ying the sharp pulse. It brought me peace, something I didn’t recognize the first few times she did it.

  “It is exciting,” I said, my voice lowering, reminiscent of the shock. When Jet called me to schedule a time to meet in his office with Phil Jakobach, I couldn’t believe it. I fumbled with my calendar although I knew my schedule was clear. I scribbled everything down in shaky handwriting and panicked afterward that I’d copied incorrectly. An hour later, his secretary called to confirm the time.

  “Your dream is coming true,” Katie said softly, her nails tenderly soothing. She straddled my lap but she wasn’t looking at my face. I stared at the freckles on hers, fading like the late fall months. Her eyes lowered, yet I’d know that lake blue anywhere. Looking up at me, she smiled slowly. My heart squeezed. Katie was wrong. Not all my dreams had come true. The weight of her on my thighs sparked the thought that there might be more than my original plan. I thought I knew what I wanted next in life, but I sensed what I needed was sitting in my lap, literally. I shook the idea from my head when she leaned toward me and kissed me briefly. “Congratulations.”

  The word struck another chord. How could I leave her behind? I didn’t wish to think about losing her, so I wrapped my arms around her waist and tugged her closer to me, taking more than the brisk kiss she gave. Breathless in minutes, I shifted to scoop her up. I had another way to celebrate my good fortune, and carrying her to my room, I planned to show her.

  It had been a week since the first time. I panicked afterward, blurting out the stupidest thing. It made no difference to me that I’d been bare inside her. I knew she was innocent and risk free, but the tear at her eye pinched my chest. Had I hurt her? Had I taken too much? I was overwhelmed by what I felt buried deep inside her. I’d always believed home was a physical structure—a building with four walls and running water. Being with Katie changed that image for me. She’d ruined me, because now visions of comfort and closeness slipped into my thoughts. Home was still physical but had nothing to do with wood and windows, and everything to do with Katie’s body.