The History in Us

by L. B. Dunbar

  Jeans removed. Bra gone. I stared down at Katie while I peeled off my own clothes. If I got the job, would she wait for me? When I could come home, would this still be the place I’d find her? In my bed, ready for me. The thought had crossed my mind numerous times since accepting the interview. Seeing her spread out on my bed waiting for me, the fear of losing her pinched at my heart. To distract myself from the loss of her, I decided to claim her. I started with her ankles and smoothed my hands higher. Reaching her knees, I climbed up on the bed, before lowering my face between her thighs.

  Her breathy call of my name was all I needed to hear before my mouth covered her, savoring. I loved how I read her sighs and the shifting of her thighs to know she was close. Then I withdrew. My name hissed from her lips.

  “Greedy?” I chuckled and the slow nod of her head, lazy, like she was drunk on me, returned me to slick skin seeping for more. She came within seconds and I crawled over her, anticipating the sensation of filling her. My skin prickled, enjoying too much the sudden rush of entering her, feeling her wrapped around me, and holding me deep within her. Katie held onto me like I might escape, and in that moment, I loved the thrill of being captured. We raced to the finish line and came hard.

  Heavy breaths and racing hearts filled the room. Each time we were together it felt more intense, and I wondered again if she’d wait for me. If I got the job. If I had to leave. Collapsing next to her after cleaning her up, I rolled her to wrap around her.

  “I’ve read your story, Katie,” I whispered in the late darkness of my room. Katie stilled in my arms. She’d let me sample one of her tales, and I thought she’d climb the walls waiting for me to finish reading. It was a part of her soul and she offered it to me. I didn’t take the gift for granted.

  “I want your dreams to come true, too.” She paused, sighing heavily before she spoke.

  “I always thought I’d come to Chicago, find my mother, feel some closure and move on. I’d write my stories, find a publisher and live in my own little world of success. Instead, I’m struggling to find a copy edit job, and working at a store filled with recycled stuff.” She stopped abruptly.

  “Do you have other dreams? What about marriage? Kids?” I don’t know why I was even asking, except she was definitely the marrying type. I felt her stiffen in my arms. I didn’t think I’d ever propose again after my failed first attempt but Katie Carter deserved a wedding and children. Romance was for and about girls like her. The thought struck me. Someone else would hold her each night. Someone else’s kid she would cradle. Someone else’s head she’d soothe with tender scratching. I suddenly didn’t want an answer to my questions.

  “Marriage?” she chuckled, the sound bitter. “I hope someday. But that’s a fantasy. Falling in love. Sharing the bond of children. Being blissfully happy.” Her voice fell away, and I was regretting I asked. Her normally wistful descriptions sounded harsh and sarcastic, unlike her. I didn’t believe for a second Katie didn’t believe in happily ever after. She loved love, but could she love me? Did I love her? We were having fun. I liked her. A lot. She didn’t pressure me for anything, and she loved AJ, but could she love me? I was complicated and I came with a ton of baggage, but the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to be a sliver of her dreams.

  “Aren’t you happy now?” I questioned, holding my breath. I didn’t know anything about that word blissfully, but I was happy with her in my arms. Happier than I’d been in a long time. Happier than I should have been. Happier than I deserved.

  She shifted to look over her shoulder, and blue eyes pierced mine even in the darkness.

  “I’m happy,” she said softly, but her voice sounded sad. We remained quiet several minutes before she spoke again.

  “Levi, come home with me for Thanksgiving. Don’t stay here alone. AJ is welcome, too, of course. My aunt and uncle would love to see you.” What started as a slowly building question skyrocketed to a rush of words and justification. We’d already had this discussion. I wasn’t going, but then a second thought occurred. Maybe she wasn’t asking me to go home but asking me to meet her family? Those were two different things. Ironically, I already had. I had strong knowledge of the Carters, especially my former teacher and basketball coach, but it had been years since I’d seen them. I should be ashamed of my absence from them. At a time when I needed guidance and strength, they were there for me, holding together the fractured puzzle pieces of my life. Leon gave me rides to and from practice before I could drive. Tricia often had me over for dinner and helped me with homework. They were the ones who hosted a graduation party/going away party for me. Like proud parents, they were more family than my own. But meeting Katie’s folks wasn’t exactly my type of thing. Alicia kept me a secret until she absolutely had to tell her family about our pregnancy. It was a reminder that Katie was different in every positive way.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I muttered into her soft hair, feeling her shoulders fall under my embrace. I was hurting her feelings, but I didn’t have the strength to face Elk Rapids and all that I’d left behind. It made me a coward, but I wasn’t disgraced.

  “I wasn’t trying to pressure you, I just thought it would be nice to be surrounded by family on a holiday.” We weren’t looking at one another, and in many ways, I was relieved. In my mind’s eye, I could read her disappointment. My head shook once behind hers.

  “I just can’t go back there, Katie. It’s over for me. There’s nothing left there for me.” Eyes forward, the general said.

  She didn’t respond with more than a shrug. Her silence frightened me. I couldn’t see the hurt in her eyes. She didn’t understand. I couldn’t face that place. More minutes passed, and she swiped at her cheek. My heart dropped, knowing I might have made her cry, but I couldn’t look. Her tears would undo me, so I held her closer and drew a deep breath, absorbing the scent of her. The shape of her against me. The beat of her heart under my arm. I wished I could be her hero. But I couldn’t.

  * * *

  The interview with Phil Jakobach from Geographic Digest went smoothly. I shared a portfolio of images, capturing objects and people, to emphasize my growing expertise as well as creativity. One photo in black and white stopped Phil in flipping through the pictures.

  “I saw this in the digital spread we asked you to share. Holding it in my hand does it more justice.” He paused as he stared at the woman. A stream of hair slashing over her face. Eyes held by the camera. She looked deep into the soul of the person behind the lens. “Is she special to you?”

  I stared down at the image of Katie. We’d been at the zoo that day, and the breeze had caught her hair. She didn’t bother to move the wayward strands at first. Instead, she ensnared me with a look only she could give. One I’d grown used to seeing, where she dug beyond my eyes, looked through my brain and traveled inward for my soul. Those eyes haunted me. Surprisingly, in a good way.

  “Yeah, she’s special,” I muttered, realizing I took too long to answer. Breaking my gaze from the black-and-white, I noticed Phil watching me.

  “You know this position could lead you all over the world. You’d explore unknown places, discover mysteries, solve puzzles, capture history.” He paused letting all those exciting possibilities sink in. “But you’d be away from home a lot. Sometimes more absent than present. It can be rough on a relationship.”

  I sat up at the comment.

  “Katie…” I let her name drift. “The subject is a friend.” The word instantly boomeranged back at me. It wasn’t the best descriptor for her. She was more than a friend. She was special, like he said.

  “I see,” he offered, looking back at the image. “Too bad, then.” His thumb caressed Katie’s cheek, and he returned the photograph to the pile.

  “Sir, I’ll do whatever it takes to have this position. It’s become my dream job. I thought the military would be my everything, but…” I twisted my knee. We’d already discussed what happened to me. “I’m strong. I’m curious. And this would return me to
seeing the world. Provide me an opportunity to capture it.” I could escape, but I didn’t have that same sense of entrapment I’d once felt. In addition, I had AJ, which was a different kind of confinement, one I didn’t fault him. I’d work out the particulars later, reassuring myself that taking this job was for him. I could give him many things my dad never provided with a job like this. I could give him the world.

  Too many thoughts collided after the interview. A slow smile crossed my lips as my hand rubbed absently over my portfolio. I stared out the Uber window as the city passed.

  “No matter what happens, I’m so proud of you, Levi. You should be proud of you,” Katie said, lowering those eyes in that manner she had, making my dick rise moments before I left for the interview. She was waiting for me at the apartment, babysitting AJ.

  “Whether you get the job or not, it’s a huge accomplishment to get the interview,” she added, straightening my already straightened tie and rubbing her hands down the lapels of my suit. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to press her against the wall and take her quickly to release the nervous energy, giving her gratitude for her faith in me. Her warm eyes and tender smile encouraged me that I could do anything.

  The car stopped before my two-story walk-up, and I stood staring at the brown front door. How different this house was from the one I grew up in, one surrounded by five full acres and a sea of trees behind it. This skinny structure had more curb appeal than that flat ranch and all its space. I glanced up to my apartment and knew more love filled that second floor than the expanse of land owned by Robert Walker, my father. Today was a good day, and I smiled to myself in the crisp, cool air before heading up the steep stairs.

  Katie sat on the floor, legs spread, with AJ sitting between them gnawing at a toy for his emerging teeth. Her hands moved before him as she signed the word cup and motioned with her hands the word for drink. She’d taken it upon herself to teach AJ sign language. He didn’t have an appointment until spring for cochlear implants, his surgery being near his first birthday. In the meantime, she claimed it wouldn’t hurt to teach him simple words for communication. I was instantly overwhelmed with the love this girl gave my child, so much more than his own mother, so much more than mine. She spun and caught me staring at the two of them.

  “So?” Katie wiped her hands up the curve of her hips. I watched them swipe over her body and then clasp together. She was nervous for me, but her eyes remained hopeful. Too wide, and extra blue, they peered at me with support I didn’t deserve but very much wished to take.

  “I don’t know anything yet. It was just an interview.”

  “But an interview is good,” she said decisively.

  I stepped toward her, squatted to the floor and cupped her cheek. Her face fell a little as her brows pinched, but I rubbed over the bone, counting each freckle on her nose. She had seventeen. I’d counted them one night while she slept. At seventeen years old, she kissed me, and it changed everything.

  “Katie, if the offer still stands to go home with you for Thanksgiving, AJ and I would like to accept.”

  “Yeah?” Her brows rose higher than I thought possible.

  “Yes.” Leaning forward, I kissed her without another word, drawing in her breath, her touch, her kindness. I pressed flush against her and let my other arm wrap around her, taking her down to the floor before AJ. My mouth counted to seventeen. A kiss to one corner. Another nip to the other. The bottom lip. The top. I continued until I reached the number that matched her freckles that matched the age she stepped up to me and gave me a kiss. The age she gave me hope.

  Be safe. I’m waiting, she had said. Little did she know, I’d been waiting for her too.

  Katie

  Nervous anticipation filled me. I was thrilled Levi was going with me, but the closer we drove to Elk Rapids, the quieter Levi became. At first, I chattered to fill the silence, something so unlike me, but eventually, I ran out of random information. My heart beat loud enough to fill the silence.

  As we drove north on US 31, my pulse raced with trepidation. What had I done? I hadn’t prepared my family for my friend being Levi Walker any more than I’d prepared Levi for them. I hadn’t even mentioned AJ. Levi’s fingers tensed on the steering wheel, as he flipped the turn signal and we curved left onto the main street of downtown. The single street was highlighted by the neon sign of Town Tavern, one street lamp and two blocks of quaint storefronts. My heart was in my throat and my stomach churned as we rode those two blocks before turning left again. Levi drove on autopilot and each time I attempted to offer a direction, he grunted, driving blindly, because he knew the way to my childhood home despite the years of separation.

  We pulled onto the gravel drive, pebbles crunching under the tires, the sound ringing loudly like the final slam of a gate. My breaths were short as I stared at my house. A covered, wrap-around porch. A garage converted to my mother’s writing place. A garden asleep under a thin layer of snow. Each light softly beaming from every window, ready to welcome me. Welcome us home.

  “Ready?” I whispered, still staring at the vacant front porch. Levi opened his door without responding. He opened the back door and began unbuckling a sleeping AJ. He kissed his son’s forehead as he gently removed him from his car seat. I exited my side of the car and crossed over to Levi. I wanted to hold his hand, assure him that things would be all right, I was here for him. I’d slay his dragons, and fight his fights, but his mind seemed miles across the village, and I could only imagine what haunted him.

  We stepped up to the porch, and the door opened before I knocked.

  “Katie,” Emily breathed before enveloping me in a deep hug. Her arms felt so good around me, assuring me as she always had that she loved me as if I was her blood child. “And who are these handsome men?” she questioned as I stepped aside, still breathing in the summer scent of her chestnut hair and blue eyes. Emily stepped back allowing us to enter.

  “This is Levi Walker, and his son, AJ.” The moment I mentioned his name, the air swooshed out of the room. Nothing moved, not even the momentary breeze of cold air entering with us.

  “Levi?” Emily squinted, staring at the man who hardly looked like the boy she’d known.

  “Emily.” Her name was hardly complete before he was enveloped, baby and all, in one of those grasping hugs, assuring him he was equally welcome in our home, blood relation or not. Levi’s eyes opened wide over Emily’s shoulder and I smiled with the knowledge that my family would take him into the fold.

  I turned to see my dad leaning against the doorjamb between the living room and the kitchen. My father was a decent looking man as far as dad’s go. I was told he was considered hot, and as much as that made me squirm, I couldn’t deny my dad was aging well. His once longer, dirty blond hair was now chin length. Deep, denim blue eyes that matched mine smiled at me, but the telltale mark of his clenching jaw told me he questioned the visitor I’d brought home.

  “Daddy,” I whispered, stepping forward and his arms instantly opened. For some reason, I wanted to cry the second he wrapped around me. Pulling me into his chest, I breathed in the manly scent that was only my dad and relaxed in the comfort of his warm flannel. He kissed the top of my head, holding me a moment longer than necessary before letting go.

  “Dad, do you remember Levi Walker?” In typical Jess Carter fashion, he stepped forward, politely extending a hand.

  “Good to see you again. Katie didn’t tell us who she was bringing home, so forgive the surprise.” For a moment, I held my breath. Had I misread my father’s reception? Would he not allow Levi to stay? “Who’s this?” My dad asked of AJ, and any questions about Levi were forgotten. My dad was a baby man, and he reached out for the sleeping AJ. Without asking permission, he took AJ and tucked him into his chest, rubbing a hand over his snowsuit covered back.

  “This is my son, sir,” Levi offered. “His name is AJ.”

  “Well, AJ Walker, welcome to the Carter’s,” my dad murmured to the dark hair of the sleeping baby and kissed h
im without a thought. Levi’s eyes met mine again, wide and astonished at the current reception. I don’t think I’d taken a breath.

  “Where is everyone?” I asked, wondering where my younger sister and brother were on a Tuesday night.

  “Daisy is cheering at a basketball game. John is probably causing trouble somewhere,” Emily snorted, and although she dismissed it in jest, there was a hint of concern for her son.

  “Basketball?” Levi’s brow rose. He used to play for the very team Daisy now cheered for, and ironically, the same man who coached Levi was the current head Varsity coach.

  “The game should be over soon,” Dad said. “We thought we could meet up with everyone at Town Tavern.”

  Levi looked down at his feet like an errant child. His foot slipped side to side. This reunion was about to be a full immersion into the Carter clan.

  “As we’re tight on space here, we thought you might be more comfortable at Tricia’s.” Emily was asking more than telling me that she’d already arranged for Levi and I to sleep at Tricia’s home. My aunt had more room in her three-bedroom house, and as I hadn’t been home since I left for college, my room with Daisy had been overrun. We didn’t have a guest room, and I hadn’t considered where AJ and Levi would sleep.

  “Sleeping at Tricia’s would be fine.” Again, I wanted to reach for Levi and assure him that this might be better. We couldn’t sleep together in my parents’ home and being close to Levi was what I needed. I had mixed emotions about whether bringing Levi home was a blessing or a mistake.

  We didn’t bother unpacking any bags after spending time idly chatting, quickly catching up on who was where and doing what in the Carter family. The hour seemed nothing more than fifteen minutes, but too soon, we turned back for the car and drove two blocks to town for the bar. Levi held the door for me, and I chewed my lip. He hadn’t said anything on the short ride and tension filled the car so thick, I choked. Nothing prepared me for what happened on the other side of the door for Town Tavern.