Our Darkest Dare

by Sarah Bailey

  “I… I’m… I’m seeing someone and it’s serious.”

  What. The. Actual. Fuck?

  I’d fully lost the plot. The lie falling out of my mouth had me digging my fingers into my thighs.

  It was clear Duke had not been expecting me to come out with that reason. His eyes widened and his hands dropped from his chest. It’s like it never occurred to him I would have moved on. I’d never waited for him. I’d had a boyfriend during my second year of university, but it didn’t work out. When he found out I was married, he wasn’t happy with me for keeping it from him for so long. Didn’t matter if Duke and I were very much separated, the breach in trust had destroyed the relationship.

  “How serious?”

  “We’re engaged, but obviously we can’t get married because I’m married to you.”

  How far was I going to dig myself down into this fucking hole? Lying to Duke made me sick to my stomach. Why was I doing this?

  Duke’s eyes went to my hands.

  “I see… and what, he couldn’t be bothered to buy you a ring?”

  I had not thought this through at all.

  “It’s being resized.”

  “How fucking convenient.”

  Fuck. He knew I was lying to him. I jumped up off the sofa. If he was going to give me attitude, then I’d give it right back. He had no right to come here and tell me he was going to contest the divorce when he’d left me.

  “Why the hell do you even care, Duke? Did you forget you walked away from me? You left. I have every right to ask you for a divorce.”

  “You gave me no choice.”

  I scoffed.

  “I gave you ample fucking choice. You chose to leave. Do not put that on me.”

  He closed the distance between us. I had to crane my neck up to meet his eyes. The deadly gleam in them made me swallow. My skin prickled at his proximity.

  Do not betray me now, body!

  “Ultimatums do not come with fair choices or consequences.”

  Why the fuck were my knees trying to buckle under the onslaught of his gaze? And why did his words pierce my soul like he’d driven a damn knife into it?

  “Doesn’t matter. You have no grounds to contest the divorce.”

  My breath whooshed out of me when Duke wrapped his hand around the back of my neck. He leant closer, depriving me of all oxygen.

  “Don’t I?”

  “No,” I squeaked.

  My heart pounded in my ears and my blood rushed to my cheeks, flooding them with heat. He was touching me. My body thrummed all over from it. I hadn’t been touched by anyone this way for almost a year. Not since Craig had broken up with me. I didn’t see the point in trying to date after that. Not when I was married to Duke and it might be a deal-breaker to other guys.

  “Do you truly believe I stopped caring about you, Kira?”

  I couldn’t speak. His closeness made it impossible. I forgot I’d told him I was with someone else. All I wanted was for him to hold me. I wanted him to make the ache in my chest disappear.

  “You told me you never wanted to see me again. What was I supposed to do other than respect your wishes?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’m not going to walk away again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  He reached up with his other hand and stroked my cheek.

  “You’re my wife.”

  “In name only.”

  He shook his head.

  “No, Kira, it was never only in name and you know it. You and I were in love with each other.”

  My lips parted, but no sound came out. What did I even say to that? I struggled to get my thoughts together. The only thing I could do was get as far away from him as possible before this got any further out of hand. I wrenched myself out of his grasp and backed away, putting much needed distance between us.

  “Were. We were in love, but love wasn’t enough. Not for you. It doesn’t matter, anyway. The past is fucking irrelevant. I’m over us.” Liar, liar, pants on fire. “I’ve moved on. There is nothing left here.”

  Why did my heart bleed out all over the floor when I uttered those words? The lies were like knives in my throat. They were born out of self-preservation and the need to get him to agree to a divorce.

  Duke’s eyes narrowed. It was clear he didn’t believe a single thing I’d said. Funny, after all this time I could still read him like an open book, just as he could me. Funny and fucked up at the same time. I could try to lie to him all I wanted, but he’d know I was doing it. I’d never been very good at lying to him.

  “Just agree to the divorce, Duke. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

  I could tell before he said anything there was no way in hell he was agreeing.

  “I don’t care if you say you’re with someone else, you’re still married to me.” He pointed at his chest. “We’re going to talk about this properly at a later date. Right now, we’re not getting anywhere.”

  He turned and walked away, picking up his bag as he went. I don’t know why I followed him.

  “There’s nothing left for us to say.”

  He shook his head after he opened the front door and turned back to me.

  “There’s plenty.”

  I heard a creak on the stairs and looked up to find my lodger, August, coming down them. When I turned my attention back to Duke, his eyes had fixed on August. There was unrepressed anger in them.

  “Is this him?”

  I nodded. What the fuck else could I do?

  Duke’s eyes flicked to me. A determined look passed across his face.

  “Well, maybe you weren’t lying after all… guess I shouldn’t say this, but I’m going to, anyway.” He wrapped a hand around his bag strap. “I love you, Kira. That’s why I’m going to fight for you.”

  Then he walked out, slamming the door shut behind him and leaving me absolutely dumbfounded by his words.

  Chapter Forty One

  August came to a standstill next to me. My eyes were still glued to the front door. My mind ran over the words Duke had said, trying to make sense of them. Trying to understand why he wanted to fight for me now after he’d walked out on me last time. How could love be enough this time?

  “Who was that?”

  My hand came up, my fingers rubbing my chest. The ache in it almost crippled me.

  Duke still loves me.

  “My husband.”

  For a moment, August didn’t respond. I dragged my eyes away from the door and looked at him. He blinked rapidly behind his square-framed glasses. There would be no point lying about it. I had to accept people were going to find out about what Duke and I had done almost three years ago.

  “Your what? Since when the fuck are you married?”

  I’d met August on campus at university during freshers. He’d moved in after the first year of university. I didn’t need the extra money. Dad had left me with ample, along with the house itself, but it was nice to have someone else here. The big house had felt lonely. Losing everyone I loved in the space of a few weeks had been tough on me. Severing contact with Duke meant losing his family as well. I don’t know what hurt more. It all plain fucking sucked.

  “Um, the summer before university started.”

  August looked at the door.

  “And that fine specimen of a man who just walked out the door is your husband?”

  Trust August to notice how attractive Duke was. The man had no shame.

  “Yeah… that’s Duke.”

  “Well, fuck me.”

  “You wouldn’t want that.”

  He snorted, wrapped an arm around my shoulder and directed me towards the kitchen.

  “Come on, I’ll make tea and you can tell Auntie August all your woes.”

  I allowed him to take me into the kitchen and sit me down at the table before he walked over to the kettle and filled it up in the sink. My eyes went to my hands resting on the table in fr
ont of me. I rubbed the spot where Duke had been staring earlier when I’d lied to him about being engaged. The space on my finger which should hold a ring. We’d never exchanged those when we’d got married. There hadn’t been time, not to mention we’d only had a wedding for my dad’s sake.

  A few minutes later, August set two mugs down and sat across from me, levelling his gaze on my face.

  “So, Duke, is it?”

  I pulled the mug of tea towards me, cupping it in both my hands to enjoy its warmth.

  “You know how I told you I used to know the owners of the Syndicate?”

  “The fancy-schmancy casino?”

  August had an obsession with the rich and famous. I never heard the end of it when he found out my official title. It wasn’t something I often went around informing people of. I preferred to go by Kira Willis as opposed to Baroness Suffield. To get August to shut up about it, I’d told him about the people I’d met whilst my father had been alive. At least then he wasn’t screaming from the rooftops he knew someone from the nobility. I’d made him swear not to tell anyone at university.

  “Yeah. Duke’s one of their kids. We grew up together, the best of friends. In fact, they live nearby.”

  His eyebrows shot up.

  “You never said.”

  “I didn’t want you stalking their house.”

  “I would never.”

  He gave me a wink, but we both knew August would have tried if he had half the chance. To say he was a bit of an oddball would be an understatement. The guy took the term ‘alternative lifestyle’ to a whole other level.

  “If the two of you were best friends, why did you get married?” he asked when I didn’t volunteer anything further.

  “Duke dared me to.”

  August was midway to bringing his mug to his lips when he froze.

  “Hold on, what?”

  I smiled, rubbing my hands on my mug.

  “It was our thing, daring each other to do stupid things, but it got out of hand. My dad was dying and the one thing he wanted more than anything in the world was to see me get married. Duke decided we were going to give Dad his last wish. We eloped, going to New York, Livestreaming it to my father’s hospital bed, then we came home and he died a few days later. Guess you could say Duke made me reckless and free.”

  I’d stayed on the straight and narrow without Duke by my side. Never getting in trouble or doing anything out of the ordinary. I focused on university instead of partying. All the fun stuff only reminded me of Duke and me. He was the person who made me brave and strong. He pushed me out of my comfort zone. He plain pushed me to be the best version of myself. But we’d both fallen victim to external forces fucking us up.

  “Quiet, retiring, nerdy gamer Kira didn’t use to be such a goody-two-shoes then?”

  I laughed and shook my head before sipping at my tea.

  “No. One time we stole one of his dad’s sports cars and took it on a joyride down the M25, but mostly we did small stuff like spiking his sibling’s drinks with salt or putting fake spiders in their beds.”

  I could still remember Aurora screaming. She went absolutely ballistic at Duke over it. We found it hilarious. The ache in my chest grew at the memory. My fallout with Duke had far-reaching repercussions. I missed the fuck out of his family, especially his dad, Xav. We’d been so close and for it all to disappear had been hard on me. Xav had tried to keep in contact, but he reminded me too much of his son. I wasn’t exactly receptive to maintaining a relationship.

  “I miss them. His family, I mean… and Duke… I miss him most of all.”

  “What happened?”

  I set my mug down and rubbed my chest all over again.

  “When we were sixteen, Duke had a girlfriend. She killed herself. At least, that’s what the coroner ruled after an inquest into her death. Duke felt all sorts of guilt because he’d been planning on breaking up with her and ignored her text messages that night. Fast forward two years later, Duke and I got married because of Dad. Then Duke’s parents tracked down his dead girlfriend’s brother, who’d gone missing. Turns out, the brother staged the suicide. He got done for rape and murder later on after he turned himself in. It really fucked with Duke, you know.”

  I didn’t want to look at August. The reminders of all the shit with Andie didn’t make me feel any better about the decision I’d made the day Duke had walked out on us.

  “I was grieving. It’s not like I was any better. Anyway, the two of us had been dancing around our feelings for so long. We finally admitted we were in love with each other, but he didn’t want to change our relationship. I told him to either be my husband or we’re done… and he chose the latter. We hadn’t seen each other in almost three years until today when he showed up because I applied for a divorce without telling him.”

  Now it came to the really fucked up part. I took another sip of tea to calm my warring mind.

  “He told me if I didn’t give him a good reason, he’d contest the divorce and in a stupid moment of panic, I told him I was engaged… and I let him assume it was you because I’m pretty sure he didn’t believe me. Then he goes and tells me he loves me like that’s going to fix everything. He walked away despite loving me before. Love isn’t a reason for us to be together.”

  I finally looked at August, whose brown eyes were full of understanding, but also amusement.

  “Let me get this straight, you let your husband think we are together because he told you he’d contest the divorce?”

  I nodded. August burst out laughing, slapping the table with his hand. I didn’t see what was so funny about it. I’d done a stupid thing by telling Duke I was engaged. When he found out I’d lied to him, it would make everything worse.

  “Fuck, Kira, what a palaver.”

  “Glad someone finds it amusing. Not like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place now or anything. If I continue to lie to him, there’s no telling what he’ll do, but if I tell him the truth, he’s going to be pissed.”

  August gave me a look.

  “You’re the one who should be pissed at him for turning up here and telling you he won’t agree to a divorce when he’s the one who walked out on you.”

  “Right? I am pissed…”

  “But?”

  I sighed, fiddling with my mug. There were so many buts. The fact I still had feelings for Duke. Being married to someone wasn’t the same as having a relationship with them. There were legal implications. Ones Duke and I hadn’t thought about when we’d been eighteen. Getting a divorce was the easiest way of severing this tie between us. I’d been sure of myself before I’d seen him again. Now, I had no clue.

  “I don’t know what I want to do any longer.”

  “You still care.”

  I’m pretty sure I would always care about Duke Scott. People tell you all wounds heal in time. Those people are liars. You have to want to heal them and get better. My problem was, I’d never truly wanted to rip Duke out of my heart and leave him in the dust. He’d been a huge part of my life for so long. I hadn’t enjoyed being without him at all. Not even when I’d dated Craig. There was a part of me that longed for the closeness I shared with my best friend. The love and affection. The sex… fuck, the sex between Duke and I. How could I ever forget that?

  Craig hadn’t been my only sexual partner, but I’d ended up comparing all of them to Duke. Probably why they never measured up. How could they when they were in competition with the only man I’d ever loved? I was way more fucked up about Duke than I realised, but then again, how could I not be? The bloody man was unforgettable in my eyes.

  “Caring doesn’t mean I should be with him. It’s been almost three years. Things have changed.”

  “Maybe things changing is a good thing.”

  “Why are you advocating for someone you don’t even know?”

  August shrugged.

  “Look, I don’t think things are so cut and dry. You two clearly had something specia
l going on and sure, you made mistakes, both of you, but don’t you think divorcing is something you both should talk through before you go ahead with it?”

  I hated his logic. I wanted to divorce Duke because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it would help me move on from us. I’d sure as fuck never really tried before. Then Duke had to turn up at my doorstep. Why the hell hadn’t I considered the possibility this might not be so easy? He’d told me he’d always love me before he walked out on us.

  “Probably,” I muttered.

  “Well then. Talk to him… and, honey, tell him the truth. Lying about being in a relationship won’t help either of you. Honesty is always the very best policy.”

  “Since when did you become so sensible and wise?”

  August winked again.

  “You have to be when you’re in a poly relationship, darling.”

  That was the other reason I’d told August about Duke’s parents. When I found out August was poly, it didn’t bother me in the slightest given I’d grown up around a family who were polyamorous.

  “Hmm, and how are Pippa and Kai?”

  I hadn’t seen August’s boyfriend and girlfriend in a few days. They were usually hanging around here all the time.

  “Fine, they’re just busy with the end-of-year stuff, you know, like we are.”

  I rubbed my face.

  “Tell me about it, can’t wait until uni is over.”

  I was ready to be done with studying. Whilst I’d learn a lot in my new job, I was done with the academic side of things.

  “Hmm, yes. So, you going to give your husband a fair chance at a real conversation then?”

  I wished he’d have dropped it, but August wasn’t going to let me get away with anything.

  “Yes. I know I have to.”

  He gave me a smile.

  “Good girl.”

  I rolled my eyes and sipped my tea. I was not looking forward to talking to Duke again. Not when it was clear the two of us had a lot of unresolved issues. And not when the man wouldn’t entertain the idea of us getting a divorce.