Reclaiming Love

by Vicki McElfresh

  Devon kissed his forehead. “If that's what you want, but we've got to do something with his place, sweetheart."

  "I was working on that."

  Devon laughed a little. “Don't worry about it. It'll all be taken care of. Just rest and get better."

  Kevin closed his eyes again. “Don't let Keith go shopping again."

  Devon touched his cheek gently. “And deprive him of the pleasure of shopping for you? I can't do that."

  Kevin sighed. “I'm sorry."

  "What are you sorry for?"

  "I should have done something sooner.” He forced his eyes open again. “I should have listened to you, gone to the police before..."

  Devon folded Kevin's good hand between his. “Honey, Josh is gone now. He's not going to hurt you ever again, and you've got a man out there who's just dying to come in here and see you. Don't be sorry. You didn't make him stalk you, and you didn't make him shoot you."

  "What do you mean gone?"

  He managed to look at Devon just long enough to see his sad eyes. “He's dead, sweetheart. He shot himself after he shot you."

  Kevin wanted to feel relief, but he felt only sorrow. A tear trailed down his cheek. Crying seemed silly. Josh had never been good to him, so why did he feel so sad? “I always hoped—"

  "That he would get better. I know.” Devon kissed his forehead again.

  "I didn't want it to end like this.” He couldn't meet Devon's gaze. “I didn't want to be the death of him."

  "But you weren't, honey. He made that choice. He could have moved on and found someone else, but he didn't. You didn't pull that trigger, he did."

  Kevin wasn't quite convinced, but he took a deep breath. “Can I see Connor?"

  "Do you want a few minutes alone?"

  "No."

  "I'll get him.” Devon kissed him one more time. “Rest, honey. I know you're hurting, but you need to rest."

  Kevin closed his eyes again, still unable to let go of the little ball of hurt Josh's death had caused. He shouldn't mourn the man who had almost killed him, but he couldn't help himself. He'd loved Josh once, and there had been good times, enough good times that he could remember those. His cheeks were damp, and the pain was more than a nagging ache when Connor sat down beside him.

  "I'm sorry, baby,” Connor said gently. “I wish I could make it hurt less."

  "I shouldn't mourn for him."

  Connor slid the chair as close to the bed as he could and pressed his lips to Kevin's forehead. “I think you should. I think you need to. It's over, love. That part of your life is over, and it's okay to cry.” Connor held him as best as he could without jostling him or disturbing the monitors while he cried, and then he stayed until Kevin finally drifted into peaceful slumber.

  A soft but heated conversation woke him after he'd been moved out of ICU into a regular room. “We've got to do something with your apartment."

  "It's fine, Nicki. Just—"

  "Where is the furniture you bought? Scott can get it. Maybe when Keith's not pissed anymore he'll help. And you've got to get a couch or something, and for God's sake, get a TV or radio. Kevin will go mad with nothing to do."

  "I'll take care of it.” Connor sounded a bit annoyed. “I promise, just—"

  "The doctor says he's not going home for a few more days. We need to take care of it so he has someplace to go home to. Even your mom was shocked when she saw the place."

  "Nicki—” Connor never got to finish, Nicki cut him off.

  "That's settled then. Don't worry. I'll take care of it."

  Kevin heard the door open and shut, and Connor let out a heavy sigh.

  "I think you're pretending to sleep.” He sat down on the edge of the bed.

  "I wouldn't do that.” Kevin opened his eyes. Connor was tired. He could tell from the dark circles under his eyes, the five o'clock shadow, and the weariness that stooped his shoulders. Kevin reached up with his good arm and touched Connor's face. “You're tired. You should go home and rest. I'm all right. Really."

  Connor pulled his hand around and kissed it. “I've a surprise for you."

  Kevin smiled a little. “I'm not big on surprises."

  Connor rubbed his hand. “You'll like this one. At least I hope you will. Do you feel like it now?"

  Kevin yawned. “Can I have a nap first?"

  Connor laughed a little. “You just woke up."

  "I think I need another one.” He yawned just to prove his point and patted the bed. “You could sleep with me."

  "I don't think—"

  "I can make room, and you're tired.” He scooted over a little, trying hard not to wince because moving made him hurt. He patted the bed again. Connor cast a worried glance at the door, but he did lie down beside him. Kevin got his good arm around Connor in an awkward embrace. “See?"

  "I see. And when someone else sees?"

  He couldn't help laughing. “Fuck them. It's just us right now, and we're going to take a nap because we're tired."

  Connor didn't argue, just kissed Kevin's cheek and closed his eyes. They were asleep a few minutes later.

  The number of hushed, whispered conversations Kevin awoke to made him wonder exactly what was being planned for him. Nicki, in particular, had been wearing a smug grin, and Kevin was certain she was up to something, no doubt aided by Keith. He'd even opened his eyes once to find Nicki and Keith in a corner discussing something and giggling. So, he wasn't particularly surprised to awaken to find Connor sitting by his bed, looking just as worn out as he had two days earlier, with a book on his lap. His head was tilted back a little, his eyes closed. Kevin struggled to sit up and reached out to touch Connor's knee.

  "I'm okay,” he said when Connor opened his eyes. “You should go home and rest. I'm stuck here, but you don't have to be. I'm sure Darren will be in any minute to do something uncomfortable and embarrassing to me."

  Connor chuckled at that.

  "Don't laugh."

  "You should be nice to your nurse."

  "I am nice to him, but he still does uncomfortable and embarrassing things to me. You really should go home. I'm sure I'll still be here when you come back."

  Connor moved from the chair to the side of his bed. “Well, I would, but my home has been invaded. They only let me come in to see whether or not I approve. My mum is in on it. I feel like—"

  Kevin sighed and eased back onto the bed. “Just don't let Keith go shopping again."

  "I think it might be too late."

  Kevin groaned.

  "I do seem to remember something about shopping."

  "He's the biggest queen I've ever met, Connor. Not to mention a snob. You'll have four hundred dollar pots and sheets you'll feel guilty sleeping on."

  "I've got plenty of sheets."

  Kevin laughed a little. “Do you have a set for every day of the week, plus emergency sets?"

  "No, but I have—"

  "Egyptian cotton, six hundred thread count, sateen, percale sheets?"

  Connor laughed again. “You're joking."

  "No, I'm not. Ask Devon. He can tell you all about their linen closet, and the expensive pots and pans in the kitchen he's no longer allowed to use."

  "Not allowed to use?"

  Kevin smiled, relieved that thoughts of Devon no longer made him uncomfortable. “Devon can't cook. He can use the kitchen, just not cook. Keith has a fit when he tries."

  "I see.” Connor touched his hair and bent kiss his forehead, but Kevin tilted his head up so their lips met instead.

  "I don't think you're supposed to be doing this."

  Kevin cradled Connor's face with his good hand. “Do you know what hospitals are good for?"

  "No, but you're going to tell me.” Humor lit Connor's green eyes, and he kissed Kevin again, letting it deepen into something more than a chaste peck on the lips.

  "Thinking. I have a lot of time to lay here and think, and I have been thinking about kissing you for two days."

  Connor touched his forehead to Kevin's. �
��And what else have you been thinking about?"

  "I want to know what the big surprise is."

  Connor laughed. “You'll have to wait. I'm sorry, but you'll just have to wait. You wouldn't believe me, anyway, but I am so impressed with the way your friends take care of you. They care more than some families I've known."

  Kevin patted the bed and scooted over to make room for Connor, and for a little while they just lay together, silent and serene, enjoying one another's company. Kevin considered how to answer without sounding trite. “They are my family. Maybe not the one I was born to, but I love them all the same. I love them, even if I'm a little scared of some of them, and I can always count on them. They've been with me through my darkest times, and now through the best.” He paused for a moment, wanting to see if Connor would say anything. “You won't even give me a hint?"

  "No. You get out of here tomorrow. You'll just have to wait."

  Kevin sighed.

  "No dramatics either."

  He moved just a little so he could lay his head against Connor's shoulder. “How long are your parents staying? I'd like to talk to them, but I fall asleep when they come visit. And when I wake up, they're gone."

  "They aren't offended."

  "I know, but I'd like to talk to them without nodding off after three words."

  Connor's fingers raked through his hair. “The doctor says that's normal, and it'll get better."

  "I'm sure it will. You didn't answer me."

  "I don't know. When they're ready, I suppose. My mum's having fun with my place, and Dad's been exploring. They've made it an impromptu vacation, I think. He went to the history museum yesterday while Mum was out doing mystical things. He came back here and asked if I'd seen the place, then he gave me a lecture because I hadn't."

  Kevin yawned. “We'll remedy that. I'll show you my city if you show me yours.” He giggled, amused by the statement. “That's like me living in New York for two years and seeing nothing but the campus and a few shows. Pretty silly, huh?"

  "You were young."

  Kevin stifled another yawn. “I wasn't that young, but I was poor."

  Connor laughed a little. “That's not a problem—"

  A cold chill ran down Kevin's back. “We have to get one thing straight. I pull my own weight, and if us living together so soon doesn't work, you don't protest if I want my own place. If we don't work, then at least be my friend. Can you do that? Devon and I were lovers once, but he's still my friend. So was Mark, though we mostly just scened together. I'd rather have friends who care than a lover who wants me to change."

  Connor touched his cheek and kissed him gently. “I will do whatever it takes. If that means you stay with me until you're healthy again and you want your own place, so be it. If you want to keep your job, so be it. And we can be friends before we cross that other line again if you want. I'll tell my mum to find us some twin beds."

  Kevin laughed, wincing when the deep belly laugh made his shoulder twinge. “Oh, God, I don't deserve you. I'm going to wake up any moment, and this is all going to be a dream. I'm still going to be in that damned cage waiting for Josh to torment me.” He turned his face into Connor's shoulder and breathed in the musky scent of him.

  "You're not dreaming, and I think you deserve every minute of this and more."

  "Do I get a year for every bruise?"

  Connor chuckled. “How many years is that?"

  "A lot. You have to stick around. Maybe I should talk to Keith about the diet he put Devon on. I think he's lost weight. Keith makes him exercise, and he hates it."

  That had Connor laughing even harder.

  "And he makes pasta and health food just to irritate him."

  "You'll be glad to know that I exercise regularly, and I normally have a passing acquaintance with healthy food. I think I'll be around for a while. My grandmother is still alive. She's ninety-three. My family seems to be pretty healthy and long lived."

  Kevin wished he could roll over and wrap his arms around Connor, but he had to content himself with giving him a peck on the cheek. “I can't imagine being that old."

  "I can't either, so we're even.” They lay together in silence for a few moments. “I can't promise I won't mess up. I have a feeling I'll mess up a lot."

  "I don't expect perfection. And I can't promise there won't be days when I don't want you to touch me, or when I'm afraid. I can't promise I won't have days where I'm bitchy and depressed."

  "I think we all have those."

  Kevin smiled. He loved Connor. He'd never felt about anyone, not even Josh, the way he felt about the man beside him. “I promise I'll try to eat normally, talk about how I feel, and I'll do my best not to work you up and leave you wanting."

  Connor laughed. “Kevin, love.” Connor kissed his lips.

  "Yes, Connor?"

  "That last one could be sort of fun."

  A myriad of thoughts tumbled through Kevin's head. “There's a story on my laptop for you. I think it's probably still open if you want to read it, but I might not be up for that sort of activity for a little while."

  "I'll survive."

  "I love you.” Kevin groped for Connor's hand and squeezed it. “That's why I'm still here, I think. I didn't think God could be so cruel to let me die when I finally found happiness."

  Connor shifted position so that he could hold Kevin in a lose hug.

  "He was going to hurt me anyway, and I didn't want the last touch I remembered to be his. I wanted it to be you. That's why I fought. He was going to...” He swallowed hard, not able to say the word. “And then he was going to kill me. I wouldn't let that happen. I couldn't. Not when I'd just found you. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone alone, but I thought he was in jail. I thought I was safe, and I wanted to surprise you."

  "Sweetheart, you're alive. That's all that matters. You're alive, and we have the chance to start over and move on. He's gone, and you can rebuild your life without him."

  "I'm sorry,” he said again, though he wasn't quite sure what he was sorry for.

  Connor didn't reply, only kissed his forehead and hugged him, holding him until they both fell asleep.

  Connor helped him dress after he'd signed all of the release forms.

  "I hate hospitals."

  "I know. You've told me at least twenty times.” Connor helped him into his coat, leaving the left arm hanging loose.

  Kevin sat down on the bed, trembling as weariness washed over him. “I should feel better than this."

  "And why should you? They had to give you three pints of blood. It's normal to be tired after you've lost so much blood."

  "You've been talking to Devon. You're starting to sound just like him, in fact.” Kevin glanced at the door behind Connor. “Where is he anyway? I would have thought he'd be down to send me off."

  "Maybe he's saving himself until after the surprise."

  "What surprise?"

  Connor grinned. “The one waiting for you."

  If he'd felt just a little better, he would shoved Connor a little and teased him until he spilled the secret. He didn't feel good though, and he was relieved when the nurse wheeled a chair in for him. He wasn't sure he could walk, but he did sag into the chair. “I don't like surprises."

  The nurse laughed a little. She wasn't his regular nurse, but she did at least have a sense of humor.

  "You did make sure Keith didn't go shopping didn't you?"

  "I have been sworn to secrecy."

  Kevin sighed and stared when Connor pulled a set of keys out of his coat. “Where did you get a car? You didn't have a car. I wondered how I was getting home, but I thought Devon...” He tried to look back over his shoulder. “Where is Devon anyway?"

  Connor was laughing now. “How much coffee did you have today?"

  "Not enough. Connor, this is weird. What's going on?"

  The nurse wheeled him out the doors to a blue sedan.

  "That's my car.” The window had been replaced, the scratches fixed, and a new set of tires put on.
He stared at Connor. “How? I never called ... and the last time I saw it..."

  Connor opened the door and helped him inside, even buckled the seat belt before he settled on the driver's side. “Scott took care of the car. He apparently has a buddy who does automotive work. You don't mind me driving it do you, especially since you can't?"

  The inside had been cleaned and detailed. Kevin ran his hand over the dash, barely paying attention when Connor pulled out of the hospital lot.

  "Surprised?"

  "Very. I don't feel good enough for too many surprises, just so you know."

  "There's only a couple more."

  He patted the dash. “Thank you for this. I'll pay whoever back."

  "I didn't do this, and you'd better not pay anyone back."

  Kevin scowled. “I won't take charity, and I won't be in debt to anyone."

  Connor parked alongside his building and reach over to caress Kevin's face. “Sweetheart, this isn't charity. This is a gift."

  "I don't need gifts. I just need—"

  Connor leaned over the seat to kiss Kevin, firm and full. “It's a gift, and you should accept it. Your friends thought they'd lost you. All of this was done because they are so relieved you're still alive. You came so close to dying."

  "Even you?” The question slipped out before Kevin could stop it. He looked away, but Connor turned his face back so that he had to stare into the brilliant eyes.

  "Especially me."

  Kevin smiled a little, and something deep inside began to thaw a little.

  "Can you walk?"

  "I'll try.” Connor helped him out of the car and steadied him as they walked up the steps. By the time he reached the top, he was shaking and sweating. “I'm going to have to lay down.” He swallowed hard and leaned against the wall, while Connor fumbled the keys out of his pocket. Connor opened the door and guided him inside. Despite his weakness, Kevin froze. The apartment no longer looked barren. The milk crates were gone, and another chair and a couch had joined the living room's one chair. Kevin sagged against Connor, overcome by the changes.

  "How?"

  Connor led him to the couch, and he sat. Or rather, his legs gave out.

  Connor knelt in front of him and cradled his face. “My mum and Nicki and Keith and Devon and everyone else. They all pitched in. Mostly they booted me out to stay with you while they did this."