The Guide to Great Sex

by Michael Karp

  Let each other know there is no judgment, that these things cannot be controlled, and that it’s more important to feel comfortable with each other than to avoid it.

  We’ll be going through anxieties and insecurities in detail in a later chapter, but be aware that even if you don’t deal with any yourself, your partner may struggle with them. Handle any that arise in mature manner so you can both progress within your sex life rather than remain hindered by it.

  I’ve also noticed something that I call “sexual intuition.” It develops as you have more sex and learn more about what you’re doing. Sexual intuition is an understanding of what is happening between the sheets as it happens in real time.

  You can feel whether a position is working or not. You can feel when your partner is about to have an orgasm and what you need to do to get them there. You know that if you do certain things, your partner will love them.

  This intuition comes from two things: Having sex and learning about sex.

  For most people, it arises naturally as they gain more experience. Fortunately, you can expedite the process by taking an active interest in your sex life and learning as much as you can.

  If you want to improve your sex life, you have to take an active interest in it. By active, I mean scouring the internet for information, reading studies on sexual behavior, and reading books like this one to further your understanding and apply that knowledge in the bedroom.

  You have undoubtedly heard that knowledge is power.

  In this case, knowledge is great sex.

  Chapter 3

  UNDERSTANDING THE INTRICACIES

  OF PLEASURE AND ORGASMS

  What is pleasure, in its simplest form?

  It’s the enjoyable feeling of satisfaction you receive when a desire is fulfilled.

  When you’ve been craving a slice of pizza all day, and you get off work, head straight to Pizza Hut, wait patiently for your order to finish, and take that first cheesy, meaty, greasy, glorious bite, THAT feeling right there is pleasure.

  Psychology describes pleasure in terms of positive feedback. We are motivated to seek out what gives us pleasure and recreate those instances that have given us pleasure in the past.

  For our purposes, first we need to understand pleasure in its physical form (although, its mental form is just as important, and we will see how the two cooperate).

  Physical pleasure stems from our central nervous system, the network of neurons that transmit information from all parts of our bodies to our brains.

  Nerve endings near the surface of our skin receive these signals first. The density of these nerve endings differ in various parts of our body.

  Can you guess where one of the highest concentrations might be?

  If you guessed your genitals, you just won the $1 million prize. Well, maybe just a million orgasms (I’d rather have the latter).

  According to Ian Kerner, Ph. D., sex counselor, and best-selling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, the penis contains about 4,000 nerve endings while the clitoris contains about 8,000 (he doesn’t note how many in the whole vagina/vulva, but there are more in the outer lips, inner lips, vaginal entrance, and inside the vagina).

  That’s A LOT. It’s no wonder these areas are so sensitive.

  You may be thinking, “Alright cool, I’ll just focus on mine and my partner’s genitals the whole time and we will have amazing orgasms. That’s what I figured anyway.”

  It’s not that simple, or that boring. Sexual pleasure is complex, but that is what makes it such an exciting journey to navigate.

  I prefer to think less in terms of having sex with my partner’s body, and more in terms of having sex with their brain and their mind as well.

  I know that sounds strange, but it makes sense considering the brain is where all of our pleasure signals end up.

  Breaking Down Orgasms

  The road to orgasm is navigated in terms of phases, with mental and physical pleasure playing a part throughout.

  Sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, identified four stages to what they call the “sexual response cycle.” These stages are Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm, and Resolution.

  The following derives from WebMD, sprinkled with my take on each phase.

  Stage 1 – Excitement

  (time frame: A few minutes to several hours)

  This is when your body and mind recognize that sexual tension is present.

  There are palpable sexual overtones, like when you are dancing with someone at a club, or holding hands walking home together, or lying in bed kissing and rubbing each other.

  At this point, muscle tension increases. Sometimes you are not consciously aware of it, but your stomach may have tightened or your leg muscles may have stiffened up.

  Your heart rate increases and your breathing becomes deeper.

  WebMD states that your skin may become flushed, as in reddish blotches around the chest and back. (I have read this before, but I have never seen or noticed it. I have felt my skin getting warmer, however.)

  The nipples harden (woot woot!).

  Here’s the big one: Blood flow to the genitals increases. The penis becomes erect and the clitoris/inner lips swell. Vaginal lubrication also begins (the vulva, or outer area of the vagina including the lips, clitoris, and vaginal entrance, gets “wet”).

  Breasts gain in size and the internal vaginal walls start to swell. Testicles also swell, the scrotum tightens, and fluid may secrete from the penis.

  Phew!

  Now that we’re all excited, let’s move on to Stage 2.

  Stage 2 – Plateau

  The plateau is everything from initial stimulation to the moment just before release, or orgasm.

  You can view this whole process as a constant buildup of sexual tension, through teasing, give and take, multitasking, and some of the other techniques we’ll discuss later which make up the meat of this guide.

  In this phase, all of the changes that started in the Excitement phase increase in intensity.

  The vulva swells further as blood flow increases. The clitoris becomes more sensitive, and may retract under the clitoral hood if it is overstimulated.

  The testicles withdraw into the scrotum, and the penis reaches its maximum erection.

  Your breathing, heart rate, and blood pressure increase. (What’s interesting to note is that this happens even if the person isn’t doing any physical activity during sex. I find that to be strong biological evidence for this part of the response cycle).

  Muscle spasms may start to occur in places like the feet, face, hands, and thighs. Muscle tension increases further as well.

  Stage 3 – Orgasm

  The Big O. The Grand Finale. The Whole Shebang. The Thing We All Live For.

  Ooorrrgaasmm.

  It’s when all of that built up tension and desire is released in one (and sometimes multiple) wave of intense feeling and pleasure. Hormones and endorphins flood the brain in a way that can only be described as pure ecstasy.

  It’s. Awesome.

  And it’s awesome giving it to someone else as well, but we’ll get to that later.

  What happens when we have an orgasm?

  Involuntary muscle contractions begin, sometimes quite violently. Heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing reach their peak of intensity.

  Muscles in the vagina contract, and the uterus also begins to contract.

  Muscles contract at the base of the penis stimulating the ejaculation of semen.

  Neurohormones (oxytocin and prolactin) are released, which are largely attributed to our feelings of intense pleasure when we have an orgasm. Endorphins are also released, contributing to the same result.

  A reddish flush may appear all over the body, especially in the face.

  Stage 4 – Resolution

  Resolution is the comedown after climax. It’s when your body’s responses return back to their pre-excitement phase – i.e. back to normal.

  It’s also when you
get that “Ahhhhh…” feeling of relaxation. Your muscles feel like jello, they are just tired enough to be fatigued, and you may feel heightened intimacy with your partner.

  The refractory period also kicks in at this point. This is the period between the most recent orgasm and when the individual is physically capable of having another one or continuing stimulation.

  It’s a period where the person needs to rest and recuperate before they can continue more sexual activity.

  This period differs for everyone, and even on a circumstantial basis and/or with age, but it is commonly an extended period of time for partners who have a penis. Ever heard partners of those who have a penis complain that their partner falls asleep or can’t continue after having an orgasm? The refractory period plays a part in this.

  It’s important to note that everyone goes through these phases differently and feels them to varying degrees. While there may be a general framework for how everyone progresses to orgasm, we all feel physical pleasure differently, just how people gain pleasure from other things differently, such as pizza.

  (I personally don’t gain any pleasure from mushrooms. Italian sausage on the other hand…..wait a second. I’ll be right back).

  That’s why communication about what each other likes is so important. It’s also why different partners require, and offer a chance at, unique ways to bring them to the highest heights of pleasure.

  You also feel pleasure differently than any partners your current partner may have had, so don’t forget to tell them what works best for you as well.

  As you may have noticed, the physical responses described in the sexual response cycle are largely involuntary. But they are just that – responses to the stimulation of an external force, whether you are stimulating yourself or someone else is stimulating you, and vice versa.

  While specific pleasure responses are far from universal, there are MANY aspects of sex that can be applied to any situation.

  This book is largely based on the techniques people can use to confidently find the right combination of sexual vehicles that will lead to great sex.

  Great sex with most, if not any partner.

  On to the meat of this guide: The need-to-knows of foreplay, oral sex, anal sex, powerful sex positions, sex toys, and dirty talk.

  This portion of the guide is quite detailed. If you start to feel overwhelmed, read through it slowly, note the important points, and refer to it later when your mind has given the information a chance to sink in.

  Chapter 4

  FOREPLAY: HOW TO TEASE YOUR PARTNER AND HEIGHTEN SEXUAL AROUSAL

  You may have heard this phrase about foreplay before. It goes something like, “Foreplay begins 24 hours before sex even happens.”

  What they mean is, foreplay doesn’t just encompass the physical stuff right before sex, but also sending sexy texts, naked photos, getting physical with each other, and teasing each other over the course of the day as well.

  Here’s my take on this:

  It’s largely BS and only partially true. But the part that’s true is very important.

  We can go ahead and throw out the whole 24 hours thing. It’s a ridiculous expectation for anyone to uphold.

  Imagine actually planning to have sex on a certain night, then backtracking 24 hours and saying, “Okay, we’re going to start foreplay riiiiiight then. You better send me a naked photo or our sex is ruined.”

  While my example is exaggerated, you shouldn’t be looking at foreplay as something that is planned.

  Try to cultivate natural sexuality with your partner so that you don’t have to be “ready” or force yourself to send sexy texts or anything like that.

  Natural sexuality that permeates the whole relationship makes it more spontaneous. It doesn’t matter which type of sexual partner you are with, committed or uncommitted. It still applies.

  When this happens, you will send sexy photos when you are inspired to, you will tease and touch each other when you are inspired to, and foreplay (in the sense the above phrase is talking about) will have no true beginning because it is always happening.

  That being said, I am going to concern you with a specific type of foreplay, because it’s the most actionable.

  We’re going to discuss the foreplay that happens right before sex, when you’re in between the sheets and things are getting hot and heavy.

  One Assumption…

  Let’s assume things are being taken slowly. In this case, it’s not the stagger into the bedroom, rip each other’s clothes off, and “get right into it” sex you see most often in television and movies.

  We’re talking about the casually walk into the room together, lie in bed next to each other, start kissing, and “see where things go from here” kind of sex.

  I’m going to break down specific actions and steps. In no way do I expect anyone to follow these exactly. You would have to have a piece of paper in front of you and check it every couple minutes. I don’t expect you to do this.

  I am expecting that you will get a solid picture in your mind of what is happening, and when you’re in the moment, your subconscious will recall what you read here and you will be able to put it into action.

  It should also spark ideas of different things you can try, and give you a general overview of how to approach the all-important, often-debated, sexual foreplay.

  Foreplay in Action (The Power of Touch)

  Finally, foreplay begins. What do you do?

  As you are lying next to each other, start kissing and making out. Get sensual with your kisses in the beginning.

  Nibble on your partner’s tongue and lips. Just barely graze their lips with yours every once in a while, rather than putting on full pressure.

  Tease them. Make them want more.

  Make them want a full kiss, but don’t give it to them just yet.

  This is a common theme that you will notice as we go through this book: constantly building up sexual tension (before reaching orgasm).

  If you have ever had this done to you, you know how powerful it is and how it elevates your arousal. For simplicity’s sake, we can call it “give and take.” You are giving stimulation for an amount of time, then you’re taking it away before giving it back to them again. It drives your partner crazy, but in a good way.

  Continuing on with your foreplay, don’t stop kissing. Start touching your partner’s body with your hands and legs at the same time. Caress up and down the expanse of their body as you’re kissing them. You’re slowly heating up the cauldron of desire and arousal.

  Remember, you’re having sex with your partner’s body and mind. Touch their body in a way that stimulates their brain and builds up sexual tension.

  Yes, you can go straight for the genitals if you want to. But in general, it’s not as sexy and doesn’t fill up the cauldron of desire like we want it to.

  This would be different if we were discussing “stagger into the room” sex. In that case, foreplay is pretty straight forward (you would skip down to where you start touching each other’s genitals).

  Tease your partner. Move your hands across their body, just barely missing their private parts.

  After a short while, simply graze over their genitals, barely touching them enough for your partner to feel it, but not enough for it to be obvious. Send their brain a quick sexual signal.

  Then completely stop moving your hands. Keep them in one spot, making them crave your touch again.

  After a short while, when you’re ready, resume caressing their body.

  You are constantly giving stimulation, then taking it away. And each time you give it back, you increase the level of stimulation.

  6 key areas to focus on and how to touch them:

  Under part of the forearm. This area is very sensitive. Lightly trailing your nails along the under part of your partner’s forearms will send tantalizing shivers down your their spine.

  The sides of their neck and ears. Placing your hand on this area gives the interaction a romantic vibe. Th
e ears are also pleasure centers, so try gently massaging them, especially the earlobes.

  Their legs, especially the calves and feet. Give them a light massage.

  Their back. Switch from trailing your fingers down to giving it a good scratch, stopping just above their butt as if you were going to touch it, then moving back up.

  Their hands. Every once in a while, grab your partner’s hand and interlock fingers. It’s romantic and will get the love hormones flowing, increasing sexual desire and intimacy. Even if you’re in a casual relationship or it’s one-night stand, you can simulate these emotions by doing these actions, increasing the depth of your connection.

  The hips. Periodically grab them and pull them towards you, using your thigh to rub against their crotch.

  Notice that you haven’t directly touched each other’s genitals yet, but the tension has built up so much that you two almost can’t take it anymore.

  This pattern of a buildup of tension —> then satisfaction —> buildup —> then satisfaction, plays out the whole way until sex is over. Most of it is subtle, but it leads to noticeable changes in the overall experience.

  Going For the Genitals

  You’ve been lightly grazing your partner’s genitals everyone once in a while, sending provocative signals to their brain that have caused their body to begin rushing blood to their sexually vital areas (as when blood rushes to the genitals during the Excitement stage).

  Don’t forget that you are also still kissing each other and making out throughout foreplay.

  It’s time to take things to the next level.

  Make a confident and deliberate move for each other’s genitals. No second guessing. No hesitation. It’s time for the next phase and you two are ready to go.

  If your partner hesitates a bit, you can try taking their hand and gently nudging it towards your genitals, or even placing it right on them.

  However, as with any part of the sexual journey, if one of you doesn’t feel comfortable or wants to stop, the other must grant that wish and be supportive.