Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  Sweetest Amanda, thank you for the delicious dinner, and for the pants. You’re a lifesaver! I would be honored to accompany you on Saturday. I assume you'll want to go as friends, but may I ask if there will be any cuddling after? I hope so because I already miss you too. – Adam

  I feel like a lovesick school girl reading Adam's message. I am in so deep with this man; lovesick is hardly strong enough a word. Quickly I type a response and shove my phone into my jeans pocket.

  I don't want to stay "friends" with you for too long, but I think we should talk before telling anyone. And there will most definitely be cuddling! xoxo Kissing too...

  "Okay, you guys. Upstairs. It's time for pajamas and brushing your teeth," I say firmly.

  Both kids whine but I smile regardless, swatting their butts playfully as they start climbing the stairs. Once the kids are in bed I'm going to read them stories until they fall asleep. And then I'll close my own eyes and allow myself to think about what it might be like to let my guard down and open my heart to Adam. I predict very sweet dreams for myself tonight.

  Chapter Sixteen: A Night Out

  On Saturday night Brett picks me up at my house and we head over to Sarah's together. Adam had wanted to drive me but I told him it would be better if he met us there instead. We talked briefly yesterday about keeping our relationship private and he agreed to wait as long as I needed in order to feel comfortable. I don't foresee wanting to keep it a secret for very long, I just feel better knowing Adam is amenable to letting me set the pace for now. I asked him to treat me the same as he would Rebecca or Rachel while we're at the bar and afterwards he can drive me home and I'll invite him inside. He seemed pleased by that compromise.

  Brett is billing tonight as a celebration of my divorce but I don't feel like that is something that ought to be celebrated. At Sarah's we will undoubtedly see a number of people who Tommy and I knew in high school and who we still run into on a regular basis. My friends understand why this requires us to keep a low profile while we are out in public and I trust them to be respectful of my wishes not to broadcast my divorce to everyone in the bar. I didn't have to explain the importance of using discretion to Adam either. He knows well how I feel about the people of Swainsboro knowing my business and I'm grateful for his understanding.

  When Brett and I arrive I see Rebecca and Eric already seated on the right side of the bar area. Rebecca waves us over and we move through the crowd to where they occupy one side of the red vinyl booth. Brett slips in on the other side and I scoot in besides him. I hope when Adam arrives he'll choose to sit beside me but I wonder if my warning to him to remain platonic will prompt him to sit besides Rebecca instead.

  "Hey guys!" Rebecca greets happily.

  "Hey Becca. Eric, looking good. I like that shirt," I say with a big smile.

  Brett reaches for a menu immediately. "Hey kids. I am starved. Did you order yet?"

  Eric clears his throat and smiles. "Not yet. We thought we'd wait for you."

  My eyes dart down and I notice Becca's fingers are entwined with Eric's and resting on the seat between them. It's odd to see them so openly affectionate after the many years of repressed feelings. Never have I met two people less sure of themselves than Rebecca and Eric, and it's wonderful to see them coming out of their shells. They both look happier than I've ever seen them. I really want to ask Rebecca if they've slept together yet. I'll have to accompany her to the ladies room later this evening to see if I can get her to admit anything. Rebecca is not the type of person to discuss such things without a little coercion. But damn it, I spent years gently nudging them together, trying to encourage their self esteems enough to make one of them speak their feelings for the other. I deserve some details.

  "We did order drinks though. Rachel stopped by a minute or two ago to say hello," Rebecca adds.

  My eyes quickly glance up to the neon clock over the bar and then at the front door. It's five after eight. It's not like Adam to be late. I hope he didn't have second thoughts about hanging out with us.

  "Adam's at the end of the bar talking to Rachel," Rebecca says reading my mind.

  I turn my gaze to her and she's smirking knowingly. "Thanks," I reply embarrassed.

  "No problem. He got here before us and reserved this table. He wanted to say hello to Rachel and I told him not to come back unless he brought my margarita."

  I nod my head thoughtfully. Adam was the first one here. I know he's very punctual but I can't help but wonder if he was nervous about coming here tonight. This isn't a date for us; I made it clear that tonight was casual. Adam wants to date me though. Maybe I should suggest a night was can go out alone, perhaps in Savannah where there would be no curious bystanders.

  "Hello, Amanda." His angelic voice floats over my right shoulder startling me.

  I turn to see Adam is indeed standing beside me. He gracefully hands Rebecca's strawberry margarita to her and then offers Eric one of the two beers he's got in his other hand. I'm beyond excited when Adam sinks down into the booth beside me. Yay, I cheer inside my head.

  "Hi, Adam."

  "Is it alright that I'm sitting next to you?" he whispers.

  I nod my head enthusiastically. Adam smells delicious; freshly showered, with a mixture of soap and cologne I've grown to describe in my head as mouthwatering. Why are we out with a group of people instead of curled up together in front of the fireplace? Oh, right. I'm newly divorced and my friends wanted to reintroduce me to the single life. Ugh, I officially have an ex-husband. Bummer.

  "Are you drinking tonight, Mandy?" Brett asks while attempting to flag down a waitress.

  "Heck, yes. I need to decompress. It's been a very long week."

  "Are the kids staying at Tommy's tonight?" Rebecca asks.

  I nod, pulling the menu away from Brett so I can select a beverage. "Yeah, they've been sleeping over there Saturday nights. How's that margarita?"

  "Delicious! You want a sip?"

  "No thanks. I'm gonna get one too."

  Rachel notices her brother waving his arm in the air and sends over a waitress to help us. Brett and I order drinks and we all decide to share a few appetizer platters. The booth seats three people on each side comfortably but that doesn't stop Adam's leg from wandering into my personal space. I blush lightly at his sudden nearness but I like feeling him so close. His thigh is touching mine and I make no effort to put space between us. It does make carrying on a conversation with the others more difficult, but that's a price I'm willing to pay.

  While we wait for the food to arrive the guys start talking about baseball. Adam's Cubbies aren't having a good season so far but none of them are all that surprised. Brett says that once the Braves’ shortstop gets off the DL the team will be in good shape. I look over at Rebecca and she shrugs, just as confused as me.

  "It means Disabled List," Adam breathes in my ear.

  "Good to know," I whisper back. I want to forget all about my stupid rules for this evening and reach out to touch him. The air is thick between us and I just know Adam is thinking the same thoughts. His leg is still pressed against mine and it's giving my bloodstream a consistent flow of endorphins.

  Rebecca says something to me I don't comprehend and it reminds me I haven't even told her that Adam and I have kissed. If I want some juicy details about Eric perhaps I can trade a tidbit or two about Adam. I'm dying to tell her anyway. So far Brett's the only one who knows there's anything going on at all, though I think Rebecca's beginning to get suspicious.

  "Hey, you two... hello? You're both staring into space. Is something wrong?" Rebecca asks me.

  "What? No, everything is fine. What did you say before?" I reply awkwardly while Adam clears his throat.

  "I wanted to know if you were changing your name back to Sommerer."

  "Oh. Yes, it’s on my to-do list now. I wanted to wait for the paperwork to be filed," I answer.

  I wonder if Adam will understand why I've waited nearly six months to officially go back to being Amanda Sommer
er. Since the paperwork has been filed, it's more than safe to assume I won't be going back to Tommy. I never wanted to be divorced and if there was anything I could have done to make myself fall in love with him again I would have done it. But love and relationships don't work that way. And it wouldn't have been fair to either of us or the kids for me to fake happiness the rest of my life. A little piece of me didn't want to make a change as drastic as changing my name until I was legally no longer Tommy’s wife.

  For a long time Rebecca said she hoped that I would discover love in my heart for Tommy again, but she's never known just how much I've hoped for that too. I don't know if it would upset Adam to know that ever since my separation I've been hoping to have a change of heart. It was a miracle I'd hoped for even as recently as a few days ago. And sadly it's one that has officially come to pass. I lost the love I once had for my husband and unfortunately I was never able to get it back. The way I've felt spending time with Adam these past few weeks makes me wonder if perhaps I was right to think that I never truly had it to begin with.

  Brett turns his head towards me and lifts his beer. "Speaking of paperwork and name changes, I want to offer up a toast. To the new and improved Amanda Sommerer. Welcome back to the dating pool, Mandy!"

  "Cheers," everyone at the table says in unison.

  I don't want to be rude so I clink my glass with everyone. Today marks a very bittersweet milestone in my life. I do feel relieved to be done with the separation, the lawyers, and everything else that went along with the divorce. At the same time, I've finalized a decision I've never felt one hundred percent right in making. Being on my own and raising two kids as a single mother is a daunting task. I've risked a lot by breaking free of a marriage I was no longer committed to. Now I'm hanging all my hopes on falling in love for real. Adam makes me feel like true love is an attainable goal after all, but still the fear remains that I'll someday regret this decision.

  It always makes me happy to be around my friends and a few drinks later I am feeling much better about tonight. Adam has been careful not to be obvious with his affections. If he's itching to touch me it doesn't show. Other than our leg flirting he's been on his best behavior and I'm looking forward to riding home with him tonight when I can finally put my hand on his. I've cleaned my house top to bottom in anticipation of his seeing the inside for the first time. Inviting Adam inside my home is going to be a very big step for me. If this divorce celebration marks the end of one chapter in my life, then inviting Adam into my home is the start of another.

  Eric wraps his arm around Rebecca's shoulder as he chats with Brett and I suddenly wish Adam would do the same to me. This no contact rule sucks. I glance around the bar to remind myself why I told him to keeps his hands to himself. Terri Odel, over by the bar, was in my gym class in high school. I accidentally pegged her in the back of the head with a volleyball sophomore year. She told the whole school I did it on purpose, the blabbermouth. And Kevin Tate, Tommy's best friend before Eric moved to town is a few tables away having dinner with his wife. He looks up and acknowledges me. I smile and politely wave hello.

  Adam sees Eric's arm and a look of confusion muddles the beautiful features on his face. "Are you two dating? This is a new development," he says to Eric and Rebecca.

  Eric kisses the side of Rebecca head as she smiles ear to ear. "Sure is," he confirms, "though it was a long time coming."

  Adam nods. "I wasn't sure the night we all went to Savannah. I thought I saw something between you two. Congratulations."

  "Thanks, Adam," Rebecca replies. They really are cute together; I'm incredibly happy for them.

  "So, how did it happen?" Adam asks conversationally.

  Rebecca explains how she's felt about Eric for a long time and he concurs what I long suspected; that he's felt the same way since high school. Adam listens intently as she walks him through the history of their drawn out courtship. While this is going on Brett hops over the back of the booth and wanders over to the bar to get another round of drinks. He returns a few minutes later with Rachel in tow. I'm happy to see she brought me a third margarita. This will be my limit for the evening so I plan to enjoy it slowly.

  "Hey, everyone! How are you all doing tonight?" Rachel greets the table.

  Brett climbs over the back of the booth and nearly elbows me in the face. Adam stretches out his hand protectively, brushing his hand across my shoulders to block my head from Brett's lanky limbs.

  "Careful, man," Adam chides as Brett slips in beside me.

  "Sorry, Mandy. You ok?"

  I bite my lip as Adam's hand retracts. His fingertips leave a tingly sensation in their wake and I wonder if he touched me there on purpose. If Adam is trying to entice me he needn't bother. The alcohol in these margaritas has done a sufficient job of lowering my inhibitions. I'm ready to take him home.

  "Amanda, Brett let the cat out of the bag. How are you doing?" Rachel interrupts my impure musings.

  "I'm doing alright. Thanks for asking. It feels good to be out on a Saturday night, that's for sure."

  She grins mischievously. "When you're ready to start dating let me know. You and I can go to Savannah or Atlanta and go bar hopping. You and I never did get to do the ladies night scene. You were married to Tommy since when, junior year?"

  "Um." Blushing furiously I glance over discreetly at Adam. Or at least what I thought was discreetly.

  Rachel seems to notice where my eyes went but to her credit she doesn't comment. "Just teasing you, girl. But I'm serious about us hanging out, even if the objective isn't to pick up men," she adds with a wink.

  Rachel sits with us a few more minutes until one of her employees calls her for help behind the bar. Rebecca stands up and says she needs to visit the ladies room. Remembering my desire to ask her about Eric, not to mention the three drinks in my bladder, I decide to join her. In the bathroom we smile at each other in the mirror when we meet in front of the sinks. I pump some soap into my hands and wash them while Rebecca brushes out her hair.

  “How are things going with Eric?" I ask casually.

  She smiles dreamily at her own reflection. "He's amazing. At first I was nervous to let my guard down. Hiding my feelings for him is an old habit that I'm working to break. It's hard to believe that if I think something he says is cute I can tell him. Or if I want to kiss him I can just lean in and do it. It's a weird feeling."

  "So you guys have kissed... anything else?" I whisper conspiratorially.

  She shakes her head slowly. "I really want to, but we've only been official for a week. We've waited so long to get to this point. I don't want to jump into that other stuff all at once; to go from being friends one day to sleeping together the next. Does that make sense?"

  “Yeah, it does. You're being mature about it. Besides, I'm sure you're a little worried about what it will be like, right?" I say hinting at Rebecca's virgin status.

  Despite my vague reference she still blushes and looks down idly shifting things around in her purse. "Eric's not one. Did Tommy ever tell you that?"

  "No. I had no idea," I reply.

  "I don't know why I thought he would be," she says glancing over at me and then back to her hands. She pulls out some lip gloss and begins applying it. "I mean, we're twenty four for goodness sake. I shouldn't have assumed, but he just never mentioned dating anyone to me during college so I thought that meant there was no one."

  "Oh, Becca. I'm sort of surprised too. Tommy never mentioned him having a girlfriend. Do you know who it was?"

  "No, I didn't want to pry. He just said it was one girl; just a few times over summer break after junior year when he stayed on campus for an internship."

  "It doesn't matter, you know, that he's experienced and you're not. He loves you and that's going to make the first time with you better than he's ever had. I promise."

  Rebecca smiles and closes her purse. "Thank you, Amanda. Was it this hard for you to decide when to... do it?"

  I laugh softly, not in reaction to her question b
ut at the memories that flash in my mind of my first sexual experience. "Don't go by me! Tommy and I were seventeen, it was an awkward disaster. I'm sure your first time will go much smoother."

  "Thanks, I hope so. So how's it going with Adam?"

  "Adam?" I ask nervously.

  "Yeah, the whole ignoring the infatuation plan? Because I have to tell you... if Eric and I were as nauseatingly obvious and you and Adam are then you should have just smacked us both across the face. It would have saved me a lot of time," she replies impishly.

  "You have some nerve, girl," I tease putting one hand on my hip. "And yes, you did need a slap across the face; I was just too good a friend to do that. But I don't need a wake up slap; Adam and I are both aware of what's happening between us. We're just taking things slowly too."

  Rebecca smiles wide, victorious. "I knew it."

  I roll my eyes. "You knew nothing. But I swear to tell you everything once there's something to tell."

  "Deal. Me too," she replies.

  I hold the door open for her and we make our way back to the booth where Adam, Eric, and Brett are engrossed in a conversation. I'm not sure what it's about but Brett appears to be getting agitated. Maybe Adam said something disparaging about the Braves.

  "What are you guys talking about?" I ask as Adam gets up to let me slide back in between him and Brett.

  "Basketball," Brett answers unconvincingly.

  I frown and look over at Rebecca who subtly shrugs her shoulders at me. Before I can ask any more questions Adam launches into a new topic and he and Eric go back and forth in conversation. "Are you okay?" I ask Brett quietly.