Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  He bumps his shoulder gently against mine and replies, "Just swell, kiddo," in a soft tone. It does nothing to convince me that he's fine, but I'm not going to push the issue here. I'll grill him over the phone tomorrow.

  By a little after ten o'clock I feel my internal clock telling me it's time for bed. Motherhood calls for early bedtimes and early risings. I know I still have plans with Adam after this so I decide it's time to head home. I thank everyone for coming out and Adam leaves more than enough cash on the table to cover both our dinners and my drinks.

  Adam drives me the six blocks from the bar to my home and parks his car behind mine in the driveway. He walks me to the door because I had promised earlier that we would have time together in my house. And also because Adam is a gentleman; I know even if I told him to go home alone he'd still have walked me to the door.

  Standing together on the doorstep I look up into his green eyes and he smiles. "So you're going to come inside for a little while?" I ask shyly.

  "Absolutely. I was promised cuddling and more," he teases.

  I insert the key in the door and hesitate before pushing it open. "I just want you to understand something, Adam. To me, having you in my home is a serious step. I haven't had another man here since Tommy. There hasn't been anyone else to invite; when I was with Brett it was only at his house. This space," I sigh taking a deep breath. "This is where my children sleep. It's my family's home. You'll be involved in not just my life but all of ours. Am I making any sense at all?"

  Adam looks into my eyes, studying me intensely. "You feel like if I enter this doorway then it means I'm not just the guy you flirt with at work, that I really am your boyfriend."

  My eyes widen at Adam's first mention of the B-word. He sees clearly the alarm on my face and backpedals on his statement. "I mean future boyfriend. Possibly. When you're ready for that."

  "I don't doubt my feelings for you, Adam. Not at all," I state as clearly as I can with a pounding heart in my chest that's making it difficult to even breathe.

  "Okay, good," he agrees.

  "I just didn't think I'd find you this fast," I try to explain, hoping he understands how new and scary this is for me.

  He smiles and brushes the back of his fingers against my cheek. "And I've been waiting so long I didn't think I'd find you ever," he whispers.

  I tug him towards me with one hand fisting his t-shirt. With the other hand still holding the house keys I struggle to twist them in the lock and open the door. Adam's face comes down to meet mine and he kisses me urgently. I get this feral, unexplainable need for him when he says things like that to me. The idea that Adam has been waiting his whole life to meet someone like me makes me crazy with desire. Suddenly the very passion that's always been missing from my life is now overwhelming me. I've been waiting to experience this kind of feeling my whole life so in that way, I suppose I've been waiting for Adam too. I worried this kind of passion might not really even exist; only now Adam is proving to me that it very much does.

  "Come here," I demand as the door finally swings open.

  We stumble inside, our lips still connected. I drop my purse to the floor and throw my arms around Adam's neck. His hands grip my waist tightly and the feeling of his hands on my body is magnificent. We're pressed together tightly, kissing and running our hands over each other. I explore the back of his neck and strong shoulders. He goes for my lower back and bottom.

  I don't know how long we stay this way, kissing and holding each other in the hallway, but I need to decide whether I want to pull away or drag him up to my bedroom. I remember Rebecca's fear of moving too fast with Eric. She's always been the voice of reason in my head. She's my moral compass. What Would Rebecca Do? I hear myself think. She would undoubtedly take a step back, breath in some fresh air, and then offer Adam a beverage. But doing that would fizzle the spark between us and I'm too selfish to put the brakes on full stop.

  Compromising with my inner-Rebecca, I allow myself to enjoy Adam's hands and lips for another minute and then pull away just far enough to look into his eyes. He smiles at me; catching his breath. I run my hands down his arms, unwilling to break the contact between us, and slip my hands into his.

  “Sit in the living room with me?" I ask in a small voice.

  "Of course," he replies squeezing my fingers gently.

  I pull him over to the sofa and we sit down with just a few inches separating us. I turn sideways so we can talk. Even though we've done this many times before it feels very different being with him in my house, as I anticipated it would be. He slips his hand around mine and it calms my nerves to think he needs the skin to skin contact as much as I do.

  "Are you okay, Amanda?" he asks with a look of concern on his face.

  "Do I seem nervous? I guess I am. I don't know what we're supposed to do now," I admit feeling silly. Adam on the other hand seems comfortable and relaxed. He leans back against the sofa and watches me.

  “There's no rule book for us to follow. We're only supposed to do what feels right. If you think we should talk, we'll talk. If you want to watch a movie and just enjoy being together, then we can do that."

  "You make it sound so easy," I say.

  "I'm trying to make this easy for you. I can feel you tensing up and I see it in your face. Did I do something wrong at the bar?"

  I shake my head immediately. I don't want Adam to know just how much my heart and brain are battling back and forth with each other, but I also want to be honest with him. He deserves to know what he's getting into by being with me. "You've done nothing wrong, Adam. It's all me. I just don't know what's right for my family. And I hate that I'm dragging you into a relationship that's so complicated; an ex husband, two kids, it must be a lot for you to accept."

  Adam frowns at me, almost angrily, and lets go of my hand. He reaches down to the floor and picks up a stray toy next to his foot that I neglected to put away earlier when I cleaned. "This doesn't scare me," he says firmly holding up Tyler's airplane. "Please stop thinking of your children as an obstacle for you and me being together. You act like I consider Tyler and Gabby a downside to dating you. That could not be further from the truth. I don't think you understand how truly enamored I am with all three of you."

  Overwhelmed by his words I gently reach for the toy and take it from Adam's hand. I turn it over a few times trying to process what he just said. Even more frightening than allowing him into my life is the thought that he'd become part of Tyler and Gabby's lives too. I know that I trust him with my kids and they like him. But I'd hate to subject them to feeling a painful loss if Adam and I broke up. As I think to myself my hands begin folding the wings of the airplane in and popping the head out of the middle. Adam chuckles softly when he sees the toy transform into a robot. He takes it back from me and we smile at each other.

  "You seem too good to be true," I whisper. "I assumed anyone interested in me would have to learn to love my children; that all my baggage would be a condition that he would have to accept."

  Adam sighs. "Believe me, Amanda, I have never looked at you and wished you weren't already a mother." Tears nearly come to my eyes and Adam reaches his hand between us to cup my cheek. "Take a chance with me. Let me into your world," he urges me softly.

  My eyes fall to his soft lips and I have no strength left in me to fight. The magnetic pull I feel in his presence is stronger now than it has ever been. "I don't think we should let my kids know we're a couple, if that's what we're becoming. I'm not ready to answer their questions about who you are to me. And I don't want them becoming confused about who their father is."

  "I think that's fair. We'll tell them when things get serious. When you think it's time."

  Whatever reservations and concerns I still have will not be gone once we kiss, but the difference will be Adam and I will face them together. I won't be alone any longer and that comforting thought guides me forward, closing the few inches that separate our mouths. There really isn't any part of me that wants to hold back anymore.<
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  Adam's lips are warm and inviting, his mouth melding with mine like they were made for each other. His hands press lightly on my back and I allow my fingers to entwine in his hair. I've never been kissed with this level of passion before and I feel literally swept off my feet. In the back of my mind I know that I'm getting carried away with this idea of true love; that destiny has brought us together, but I can't find it in me to care. Tomorrow morning I'll turn back into a single mother with a lot of insecurities, but for the rest of the night I want to indulge in this feeling that Adam gives me. This feeling that I am special, cherished, and someone worthy of homage.

  He holds me closely as we continue to kiss. For these moments everything seems right in the world. Eventually Adam leans back, or maybe I push him, until we're lying side by side on the sofa. He tugs my leg up over his waist and we press ourselves close together. The warmth of his body and the beating of his heart soothe me. I could let this man kiss me forever. His mouth travels across my face, over every inch of my neck, and bravely dips down to the exposed skin on my chest.

  Without even realizing I've done it, my fingers open three buttons on his shirt. Adam smirks as my hand skims across his chest and pulls the fabric off one shoulder. His skin is soft but muscular. I kiss and lick what has just been uncovered, thrilled to be able to explore him this way. Adam groans when my tongue sweeps across his earlobe and I feel him press his hips against mine. We want the same thing but I think we both know it shouldn't happen tonight. Slower is better. The longing, the anticipation of that moment when two people are finally joined; it can't be rushed.

  Adam shifts on the sofa so that he is supporting his weight on his left arm and leg, partially hovering over me. I close my eyes while his right hand skims over my waist and pushes the shirt up over my breasts.

  "So beautiful," he murmurs into my exposed cleavage and then pulls back to get a better look at me.

  Suddenly nervous, my hand leaves his shoulder and quickly comes down to cover my belly. He notices the quick movement and his eyes shift up to my face.

  "What's wrong?" he whispers. "Too much?"

  I shake my head adamantly. I want him to continue touching me more than he could possibly know. "It's not that. It's just... um. I've given birth to two children."

  Adam leans down closer to press his forehead against mine. "We've talked about this. It's going to be okay."

  "No, you don't understand. What I meant was... I have marks on my stomach, you know, from carrying them."

  Adam surprises me by moving his face into the crook of my neck and humming softly in my ear. He nuzzles his nose against my neck and kisses a wet trail across my skin. "I've seen stretch marks on a woman before, my sweet Amanda. There's no reason to be shy."

  My first thought is that Adam is thinking of his own mother, or patients he saw in his residency, or perhaps he dated another single mother before. I want to ask him about it but he distracts me by kissing the swell of each breast before moving lower. I shift uncomfortably and Adam glances up at me with a stern expression on his face.

  "Don't hide from me," he chides while removing my splayed hand from my stomach.

  Adam's hand brushes across my slender but permanently marked stomach and then his head bends down and he kisses me over and over again all around my navel. I try not to squirm under his loving attention but eventually the stubble on his chin tickles me and I laugh out loud. He moves up my body so our noses are touching and his body covers mine. I see that he's smiling too.

  "Come with me to my parents' house tomorrow," he says suddenly. "I've already told them about you; that you're my first friend here in town. I want to introduce you to them all."

  "All? I've met your mother. And your father is the kids' pediatrician," I reply confused.

  "Andrew and Bianca will be in town for a few days. I want you to meet them."

  I bite my lip firmly but nod my head. There's no way to tell this man no. "Okay, I'll come. Tommy has the kids until four. Will that work?"

  "Yes, that's perfect. My mom is making lunch for everyone. Bianca will be pleased. She's dying to meet you."

  "Have you told them about us?" I ask horrified. I'm not ready for people to know yet, even Adam's family.

  "No, I have not," he says adamantly. "Bianca is just nosy. She suspects I have a bit of a crush on you."

  "Oh, really... So is she right about that?" I ask teasingly.

  Adam kisses me sweetly and pulls my shirt down over my torso, covering my breasts and stomach once again. He sighs wistfully and brushes a stray lock of hair behind my ear. Staring into my eyes he says, "Yes, she would be correct. Actually, I'd say it's a bit more than a crush at this point."

  Chapter Seventeen: The Brickmans

  "Adam, I'm really nervous."

  "There's nothing to be nervous about, Amanda. They're going to love you."

  I step out of Adam's Lexus and take a long look at the front of the Brickman's house. "I feel like it's cheating meeting your parents under false pretenses. Or do you think they'll know we're lying about just being friends?"

  Adam sighs but continues to be so supportive and patient with me. I've made it clear many times how I want to keep our developing relationship quiet until I'm feeling more comfortable. I guess one could say we're dating, just not openly. I know Adam feels like our secret would be safe with his family and maybe I'll agree after spending the afternoon with them.

  "I'm sure they will be somewhat suspicious, yes. And my mother and Bianca will undoubtedly consider you a viable candidate to become my girlfriend no matter how many times you refer to yourself as my friend."

  "Thank you for being so wonderful about this," I say as he rounds the front of the car and takes my hand in his.

  "You'll do just fine, I promise. And you look absolutely beautiful. I'm positive Andrew will have something to say about me only being your friend," he says with a smile.

  I look down at myself, wearing a sleeveless taupe sundress with a gathered waistline and turquoise ribbon crisscrossing up the back. There's no point in admitting this is the only dress I own, unless you count the black sheath dress I wore to Nana Sommerer's funeral two years ago, and just thank him for his compliment.

  Adam walks up the porch steps and lets go of my hand in order to hold the screen door open for me. I notice he knocks on the front door. If we had been going to my dad's house I would have knocked to announce my arrival and then walked right in. It reminds me how Adam must not feel one hundred percent comfortable being here either. We smile at one another nervously until someone swings open the large walnut door.

  "Hello, son," Gregory Brickman greets with a broad grin.

  Dr. Brickman is an attractive man of about fifty five years with blonde hair that's graying at the temples. The signs of age only make him look more distinguished as it usually and unfairly does for men. He's just a tad shorter than Adam and when the two stand side by side the similarities in their faces are more noticeable. Both have strong jaws and kind eyes. Adam's hair is light like Gregory’s but the texture and thickness resembles his mother.

  The men shake hands and then Gregory turns to greet me, shaking my hand the same way and ushering us through the front door. Just inside the house I see a young couple on the sofa who must be Andrew and Bianca. I don't get a long look at them because Caroline hurries into the hall from what must be the kitchen. She's wiping her hands on an apron and smiling as she approaches. Her hair is swept up and pinned in the back; and she’s wearing a flowery dress underneath the apron with a strand of pearls around her neck.

  "Adam! You're here," she announces and gives him a quick hug. "And Amanda, it's so nice of you to join us."

  "Thank you for inviting me, Mrs. Brickman," I say with as much confidence as I can collect. Her flawless beauty is always baffling to me.

  "Please, come inside and make yourself at home. I need to pop back into the kitchen before my gravy burns but Andy and Bianca will keep you company."

  She shows us into th
e living room with Gregory trailing behind and makes quick introductions between Andrew, Bianca, and myself. Adam guides me to a sofa across from them and both say hello politely.

  "Gregory, ask everyone what they'd like to drink," Caroline instructs before turning fast and heading back into the kitchen; her heels clicking on the tiled floor as she goes.

  Gregory smirks at his wife's retreating form and then clears his throat in order to take over as host. "Adam, Amanda, what can I get you to drink? We have wine, beer, ice tea, Coke and Diet Coke?"

  "A beer for me, dad, thanks," Adam replies. Gregory's smiling face turns to me.

  "Um, I'll take a Coke. Thank you."

  "You got it, Amanda. Andrew, you'll want a beer, right? What about you, Bianca?"

  "Ice tea would be great, Gregory," she replies.

  Her voice is beautiful like music. I take the opportunity while her eyes are focused on her father in-law to get my first real look at her. Bianca Brickman is absolutely stunning with shiny chestnut hair that hangs past her shoulders in loose, natural looking curls. Her eyes are a bright blue and she wears makeup that matches so perfect with her porcelain skin tone I would never know how to replicate it on myself. She's tall and very slender; her designer dress and strappy heels makes my outfit look like rags. Bianca is exactly what I feared she would be; gorgeous and intimidating.

  Andrew, on the other hand, is the opposite of what I envisioned. His hair is much darker than Caroline and Adam's blonde hue and very curly. Even sitting I can tell he's over six feet tall with a very solid build. Adam seems to have inherited his father's lanky bone structure while Andrew looks like a wrestler in comparison. I should have expected the muscular form considering his line of work but his presence still overwhelms me. His face is childlike and tender. Equally handsome as his younger brother, Andrew has dimples and a perpetual smile on his face. While Bianca intimidates me immediately, Andrew looks like he's waiting to hug someone.