Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  "I have some housekeeping to do now," I tell her as I'm washing the breakfast dishes.

  "Oh, that's alright. I'll keep you company. It's been too long since we've had a chance to hang out and talk."

  I sigh under my breath. Adam would already be at my side drying these dishes. Is Nadine planning to just watch me work all day? That's a very unwelcome thought. "Is there anywhere you'd like to go while you're in town?" I wonder.

  "Like where, to see your father?" Nadine replies incredulously.

  "No, I was thinking maybe Mrs. Simpson or Richard Tyson. He recently had a major surgery, you know." My words come out a little more indignant that I mean them too. I don't even attempt to suggest she visit Nonna and Pop Pop's graves. Nadine seems intent on hiding out at Thatcher's for the duration of her stay, which might actually be for the best, except that she's underfoot.

  I clean up the Sampson's rooms, removing the linens and emptying the trash cans. Nadine tells me about her life in Texas; what her job is like and how Aunt Patty’s job is in jeopardy from the injury she recently suffered. Aunt Patty is even more a stranger to me than my mother. She’d always been nice whenever she’d come to town maybe once a year as I was growing up but I have always refused to totally accept her as a family member. I don't know if I feel that way because she gave my mother a place to live when she decided to abandon my dad and me, or because she's part of the reason my mom never returned home from Galveston like my dad thought she eventually would. Probably a little of both.

  My indifference towards her is something I thought about a lot when I was deciding whether or not to end my marriage. I don't want my kids to feel the same way I do about Aunt Patty when I eventually remarry and give them a step-father. I grew up thinking my mom loved her sister more than she loved me, and that’s why she chose to live with her instead of my dad and me. I never want my kids to be confused like that; to think their father chose to leave them.

  The idea of giving my kids a step father worries me too. I would hate for Tyler and Gabby to grow up feeling like some other man was more of a father to them than Tommy is just because he has the advantage of living in their house and being around much more than their actual dad. It's one of the reasons I never tell Tommy no when he wants to take extra time with the kids. It's my fault Tommy doesn't get that daily interaction with them any longer and I don’t want it to affect his relationships with Tyler and Gabby.

  "You're being very quiet," Nadine comments.

  I look over my shoulder at her where she sits on the chair in the corner. "Sorry. My mind wanders when I'm working. What were you saying before?"

  "I was asking you when the kids are done with school. I thought maybe we could make brownies together or something. Do they like helping you cook?"

  I laugh. "Yeah, right. Tyler couldn't care less what I'm doing in the kitchen until it's time to eat it. Sometimes Gabby likes adding ingredients but she usually turns whatever I'm making into something inedible."

  "You used to love helping me," Nadine says wistfully. "I knew when you were five years old you'd become a better cook than me. You already had more patience and love for it."

  I bite my lip trying not to say something that would open the Pandora's Box of our past. I became a good cook out of necessity. Dad thought frozen pizza and a can of green peas was a nutritious dinner. If it wasn't for Rebecca's mother guiding me I'd have grown up eating microwavable foods in front of the television, which is coincidentally the routine Dad has reverted back to after I moved out of the house.

  "Mrs. Thatcher taught me a lot," I say calmly. "And Tommy's grandmother."

  "Speaking of Tommy, how long has it been since you've seen him? How's he dealing with all this?"

  I turn around with hands on my hips, angry now that she could even think that any significant time has passed since I last saw him. She doesn’t understand at all. "We share custody of Tyler and Gabrielle; I see him every other day, Nadine. And he's dealing with all this just fine," I reply without even knowing if she's referring to the divorce or to Adam.

  "Okay, okay," Nadine replies with hands up surrendering. "I was just surprised to find out you have a new boyfriend. It seems like it could get messy."

  Her concerns are over Adam then. Of course they are. "Tommy and I are doing everything we can to keep things normal for the kids. I'm not waving Adam around in Tommy's face or pushing the kids to spend time with Adam. They like him very much and we're taking things slow."

  Nadine can see that she's upsetting me and wisely decides to change the subject. "You know, maybe it would be nice to walk around town a bit while I'm here. Why don't you bring the kids here after school and I'll take them for ice cream? I'd like to buy them a treat."

  I need Nadine to leave me alone for a little bit and Adam's warm embrace and soft kisses would be very comforting right about now so her suggestion sounds perfect to me. I'll go get the kids early and she can take them downtown while Adam is here for lunch. "Fine. They eat lunch at 11:30. I'll pick them up right afterwards and you can walk them into town for ice cream. I'm going to take these sheets down to the basement now to wash."

  Nadine nods and stays behind as I drag the heavy load of sheets, pillow cases, and blankets down to the washing machines. I don't know why I let my mother get to me the way she does. In her own way I know she's trying to show an interest in my life and make up for lost time. But the most sensitive aspects of my life are always the first places she goes when attempting to be motherly. She acts as though I haven't given hours upon hours of heartfelt consideration to my family before deciding to leave Tommy. You would think she of all people would understand how hard it is to get divorced. Of course, it had been so easy for her to leave and not look back for years. I made the far more difficult and sacrificing decision to stay in Swainsboro so that my children would never have to go more than a few days without seeing their father. In this regard I do not need Nadine's advice because I've intentionally chosen to do what she didn't have the courage to when I was the child in question.

  Adam returns to Thatcher's at 12:30 just missing Nadine and the kids by a few minutes. "Where's your mom?" he asks after a brief kiss hello.

  "I sent her down to Scoopy's Ice Cream Parlor with Tyler and Gabby. They should be gone for another half hour at least," I reply smiling.

  "You sneaky girl," he teases. "I didn't eat yet thinking for sure that our lunch date would have to be about actual food."

  My hands are already undoing the buttons on his dress shirt as we stand talking in the kitchen. It's been an emotional morning for me and I just want to lose myself in his scent, his strong arms, and his passionate kisses. "Do you want me to fix you something?" I ask just to be polite. I really don't care at the moment whether or not he's hungry; I have other plans for us.

  "Hell no. I see that look in your eye and all I want to do right now is take you upstairs," he says leaning forward to kiss my neck.

  With two kids, you never pass up an opportunity to get it on. "Last one there's a rotten egg," I squeal already running towards the stairs.

  Adam grabs my waist as I pass him and whirls me around. Before I know what’s happening he's lifting my feet off the ground and throwing me over his shoulder as he heads up the stairs.

  "You're crazy!" I protest giggling.

  "Crazy about you," he replies.

  Adam sets me down gently inside his room and turns to close and lock the door. I throw off my t-shirt while his back is turned and his expression is visibly excited when he sees me. I'm thrilled to see the desire in his eyes and he walks purposely towards me; untucking his shirt as he moves.

  "I want you to make me forget my mother is in town," I say seriously.

  "And I thought I was the one with mommy issues," he says. "I don't like seeing you so tense."

  "No time to talk. Pants off," I order.

  Adam follows my instructions with a smile on his face. I watch him strip, feeling that familiar twinge of joy and nerves in my belly. When he's naked I
bite my lip and remove the remainder of my own clothes.

  "Where do you want me?" Adam asks playfully.

  I stare at him confused; assuming our next move would be towards the bed. "Um, the bed?"

  Adam shakes his head and reaches his hand out for mine. He tugs me to the corner of the room and sits down in the comfortable wing backed chair. I gasp.

  "What's the matter?"

  "I've never had sex anywhere but in a bed. And once or twice in a tent… but there was an air mattress."

  Adam smirks. "You'll like it. Come on."

  He holds his hands out for me and tentatively I climb into his lap, my knees pinned between his thighs and the arms of the chair. His hips shift forward until his erection is positioned directly beneath me. Now that I understand how this is going to work I place my hands on the back of the chair and Adam presses his face against my breasts.

  "Lift up a little," he says and I watch as Adam reaches for a condom on the top of his dresser and quickly slides it down his length.

  "You ready for me?" I breathe when his hands return to holding my waist and he looks into my eyes eagerly.

  He nods and we both close our eyes, savoring the feeling that comes at the moment of full connection. I lift myself up and down a few times, testing out the position and watching in amusement as Adam's mouth attempts to catch my breasts as they pass in front of his face. He growls when I purposely keep him from latching his lips around them. Adam's hands take a firm grip on my behind and an intense look claims his face. He lifts me up an inch or two and then slams my hips down against his thighs. I groan in pleasure, sure now that he is very, very right. I am going to like this position.

  Twenty minutes and two orgasms later I am exhausted and completely sated. Who knew chair sex could be so amazing? For a few minutes I've forgotten that I am a mother of two and just bask in the afterglow of great sex with my boyfriend. Adam continues kissing me; my arms, breasts, and stomach. I feel like he can't get enough of me, and that makes me even happier to just stay seated in his lap. He's smiling through his kisses and I run my hands through his hair tenderly.

  "Do you feel any better now, sweetheart?" he asks coyly.

  "Being around you always makes me feel better, but yes, I'm much more relaxed. I should warn you I'll be on edge until she leaves though."

  Adam brushes a strand of hair off my face so he can see me more clearly. "What is it about her that agitates you so much?"

  "Unresolved issues. I guess I've still not forgiven her for leaving me as a kid. And now that I'm a mother her choices just seem that much more impossible to understand. There's nothing in this entire world that could take me away from Tyler or Gabby. Whenever Nadine tries to comment on my life or offer advice I just shut down on her."

  "You have a right to be angry. Leaving a child is inexcusable, but maybe she thought she was doing what was best for you," Adam says in a somber tone.

  "Running away is never the answer," I reply. "Come on, we should get dressed before she gets back with the kids."

  Adam grimaces. "You're right; we should be downstairs when they return."

  I ease myself off Adam's lap and start hunting around the floor for our clothing. Just as I'm tugging my jeans up my legs I hear the front door open. "Crap, they're back already."

  Adam and I hurry down the stairs and I'm still running my fingers through my tangled hair when I enter the kitchen to find out it was not Nadine and the kids who came into the house.

  "Tommy. What are you doing here?" I ask flustered.

  My ex husband looks from me to Adam and then back to me. "Um, I tried calling you but there was no answer on your cell or the B&B line. I got off work early and thought I'd surprise the kids but the daycare told me you already picked them up today."

  "Oh, yeah. Sorry. I got them right after lunch."

  "So where are they?"

  "Oh, uh, getting ice cream at Scoopy's. They should be back any minute."

  Tommy frowns. "Who are they with, Brett?"

  Adam steps forward and quietly clears his throat. "Excuse me. I need to get back to the office. I'll talk to you tonight, okay Amanda?"

  I smile at him tentatively, not sure if he's really running late or just trying to escape this awkward family moment. I don't blame him if he is. "Alright. Wait, you didn't eat! Do you want me to make you a quick sandwich to take with you?"

  "Thank you, but I'll be fine. See you later."

  He smiles warmly, but then glances over at Tommy and it quickly disappears from his face. Adam walks towards the front door and turns to wave goodbye. After he leaves I look back at Tommy whose expression is indifferent.

  "So, whose got the kids?" he asks again.

  "Nadine. She surprised me last night; showing up unannounced."

  "Shit, really? And she wanted to take the kids for ice cream?"

  "She says she wants to spend time with all of us," I reply rolling my eyes.

  "And you believe that?" he asks skeptically. "She must be driving you nuts."

  I smile. "You have no idea. I'm letting her take one of the B&B rooms."

  "Smart move. So she'll probably want the kids to be around the rest of the day then?"

  "I'm so sorry I forgot you were going to take Tyler and Gabby tonight."

  "It's alright. What if I came to the house instead of taking them back to my place?"

  "You'd do that? Because that would make things so much easier on me," I say gratefully.

  No one understands my troubles with my mother better than Tommy does. He knows that if he takes the kids as planned then I'd be alone with Nadine all evening. It's very kind of him to offer to come to the house instead to make me more comfortable even though it would mean subjecting himself to Nadine's questions and subtly insulting conversation.

  "Sure, it's no big deal. The kids should get as much time with her as possible while she's here, right?"

  "I don't know if it would be good or bad for them to get close to her. Who knows how long it will be until we hear from her again," I shrug. "Okay, well let me just prepare something for Adam's dinner and then we can go back to the house."

  Tommy nods his head and goes to sit at the kitchen table while I pull a few things out of the refrigerator. It's a little awkward having him here; I've come to consider this kitchen Adam's and my space. To keep my mind off my old and new relationships colliding I focus on the pasta dish and garlic bread I'm going to make for Adam and leave with instructions on how to heat it up when he comes home.

  "So I thought I should mention I heard some gossip about your new relationship from a guy at work. He was at the bar the other night."

  "Which guy from work? I was there with Rebecca and Eric too. We were just hanging out," I reply defensively.

  Tommy sighs. "Cliff, he works in the deli. He just wanted me to know that he saw you leaving with Adam. I told him I knew you were seeing someone. I just thought you should know people are starting to notice."

  "As long as it isn't a problem between you and me then there isn't anything for them to talk about. If we both react fine when confronted by Cliff and others then maybe they'll let it go."

  "Yeah, that's what I did. I told him I already knew and it wasn't a big deal. Ugh, but seeing you and him together just now, looking like you just screwed around up in his room, it makes everything seem so much more real," he complains.

  My face is blushing furiously. I turn away to look at the food even though I know hiding my face is a dead giveaway. It seems like Tommy already knows that he is right. I'd hoped he hadn't noticed the disheveled appearances or after-sex glow on our faces when we came downstairs. Obviously I was wrong to think he might not have picked up on that.

  I have nothing to feel guilty about; he admitted to having slept with Nikki at least once already. But he is right, seeing Nikki in his apartment made all of this real for me too. "Yeah," I say softly. "We're both really starting over now, aren't we?"

  He doesn't have an opportunity to reply because just then the f
ront door opens and the kids rush in with smiles and chocolate all over their faces. Nadine is following them and seems even more surprised to see Tommy sitting in the kitchen than I was to see her the night before.

  "Hey guys," I greet giving them hugs and then going straight for a wet paper towel.

  I wait for them to hug their daddy before moving in to wipe the mess off their faces. Nadine laughs and says, "I've never seen two kids enjoy ice cream more than these two!"

  "Are we going home with you, Daddy?" Gabby asks.

  Nadine looks at Tommy as he picks Gabby up to sit on his lap. "Well, I was thinking of coming back to the house to play with you there. Maybe I'll even stay for dinner, what do you think?"

  "Yeah!"

  "What about Dr. Adam?" Tyler wonders. "Is he going to eat dinner too?"

  I run my fingers through my son’s hair and smile at him when he looks up at me. "Dr. Adam's at work for a few more hours so I'm making his dinner right now and will leave it for him here."

  "Okay. Hey, Daddy, do you want to play Mario Kart when we get home?" Tyler asks.

  "Sure, buddy. Whatever you want."

  Tommy and the kids talk for a few more minutes about what games to play while I finish up Adam's dinner and leave a detailed note about how long to reheat it in the oven. I feel bad for not being here when he returns tonight but I think he could see when he was leaving this afternoon that my hands will be full tonight. Nadine sits at the table too listening to my family talk about how much time to devote to video games and how much to a board game that Gabby can play too.

  I hope that Nadine seeing how much the kids adore their father and seek out his attention will make her understand why leaving Swainsboro is never going to be an option for me. At least not while the kids are growing up. I know she thinks it's strange that I would welcome Tommy into my house and spend time with him and the kids as if he were still my husband and not my ex, especially since I have a new boyfriend. Maybe she will finally realize how my self-sacrificing is easy to live with when she sees how happy Tyler and Gabby are to spend time with their dad in their home. The kids come first, plain and simple. I know that would be a new concept to her but it's one I live by.