Why We Elect Narcissists and Sociopaths- And How We Can Stop!
Page 3
1 percent of them.
After the Soviet Union broke up at the end of the 1980s, 45 ethnic groups
had the potential to break out into armed conflicts. Yet historians found that
only 4.4 percent of these potential ethnic hatreds burst into warfare.10
The Yugoslav Wars of the 1990s, when Yugoslavia broke up into smaller
countries with the collapse of the Soviet Union, were unusual for one reason:
they involved the apparent high- conflict personalities of a few key leaders,
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6 Part I: How Narcissists and Sociopaths Get Elected
who escalated prior co- existence into genocidal violence and who were later
tried for war crimes by the International Criminal Tribunal for the former
Yugoslavia.11 Without these likely HCP leaders, would these wars have
occurred at all?
Perhaps you wonder if these were unusual circumstances in which an
HCP politician was like a match on gasoline that was already poured—that
these countries were already highly dysfunctional. For example, weren’t the
economic problems of Germany after World War I and the global stock
market crash the driving forces in the rise of Hitler? Not exactly. Here’s how
an American reporter stationed in Germany described the typical Nazi in
1932 when Hitler was gaining power:
He was male, in his early thirties, a town resident of lower middle- class
origin, without high school education; . . . had no political affiliations
before joining the National Socialist [Nazi] party and belonged to no vet-
eran or semi- military organizations. . . . He was strongly dissatisfied with
the republican regime in Germany, but had no specific anti- Semitic bias.
His economic status was secure, for not once did he have to change his
occupation, job, or residence, nor was he ever unemployed. ”12 (Emphasis
added)
So poverty itself doesn’t necessarily drive political conflict, either. Appar-
ently, Hitler didn’t get his followers from the poorest people—or the most
prejudiced. Even though anti- Semitism existed for centuries throughout
Europe, Hitler taught the German people to hate Jews at a level they never
had before. As the cultural leader of the nation, he was able to directly con-
dition the German people to his way of thinking, primarily through his radio
speeches, which reached into many Germans’ homes, and movies of his ral-
lies, which dominated the theaters—“playing on their fears, resentments and
prejudices more masterfully than anyone else. ”13
Three Key Questions
As I researched political conflicts—large and small—for this book, three
key questions about the power of personality emerged that are relevant to
today’s events:
1. Can one high- conflict politician turn a well- functioning community—
or nation—into one that is extremely polarized? If so, how does this
occur?
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1: High- Conflict Politicians 7
2. In a time of peace, can one high- conflict politician lead a nation into
war, famine, and genocide? If so, how does this occur?
3. Can we stop high- conflict politicians before they get this far?
In researching and writing this book, I have attempted to answer these
questions. To understand the answers, we first need to look more closely
at the personality patterns of HCPs, narcissists, and sociopaths and how
they think differently about conflict from everyone else—and what happens
when these three personalities combine in one person.
What Is a High- Conflict Personality?
Our individual personality is how we regularly think, feel, and act. When
most of us find ourselves in a dispute, our natural inclination is to attempt to
resolve it. But for someone with a high- conflict personality, as I have repeat-
edly observed in hundreds of disputes, the opposite is true. They think all
relationships are inherently adversarial; they constantly feel threatened as
an adversary (even when they’re not); and they often react in an extremely
adversarial manner.
As a result, in almost any situation, they tend to create one unneces-
sary conflict after another because they think conflicts already exist all
around them. They feel at war with the world and project this feeling onto
others.
Worse, they have no interest in resolving conflicts. Instead, they usu-
ally make them worse—no matter how many other people get hurt and no
matter how much their actions end up hurting themselves.
People with high- conflict personalities are intensely driven (although
usually unconsciously) to control, remove, or destroy their perceived ene-
mies. They ultimately sabotage themselves, but they can’t see it coming.
Although each high- conflict person is unique, all HCPs share a narrow
pattern of behavior that includes four key characteristics:
THE HIGH- CONFLICT PERSONALITY PATTERN
1. A preoccupation with blaming others: their Targets of Blame
2. All- or- nothing thinking and solutions
3. Unmanaged or intense emotions
4. Extreme negative behaviors that 90 percent of people would never do
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8 Part I: How Narcissists and Sociopaths Get Elected
HCPs also have traits of one or more personality disorders. Personality
disorders have been a hidden mental illness that most people have not heard
about until recent years, because people afflicted with them can appear to
function well some of the time. But they are: 1) impaired in their relation-
ships, 2) don’t reflect on their own behavior, and 3) don’t change. These three
characteristics can make people with personality disorders very difficult to
be around, sooner or later.
Although research has suggested that those with personality disorders
are about 15 percent of the adult population,14 I believe that HCPs are only
about 10 percent of the adult population. Not all people with personality
disorders are preoccupied with Targets of Blame, and not all HCPs have
personality disorders—but they all have some traits of personality disorders
such as narcissistic or sociopathic.
HCPs compulsively act in self- defeating ways over and over again. That’s
why they stay in conflict, because they don’t try to change or improve anything
about themselves even when they are the conflict’s primary or only cause.
They lack insight into their own high- conflict behavior, so when things
go badly, they get more and more defensive and attack those around them:
their Targets of Blame.
For this reason, they often have no real friends and develop a bad repu-
tation in their communities. They are your lousy neighbors who may physi-
cally threaten you or make your life stressful with their endless complaints.
They are your most difficult co- workers, bosses, and business owners. And,
of course, they can also be family members.
HCPs are everywhere, but most people just think they’re jerks—isolated,
angry, poorly adjusted individuals. They don’t see the pattern. They don’t
realize
that HCPs are at the center of so many of today’s problems and that
there are so many of them.
They have a presence in every country and in every culture. HCPs are
not an American problem, or a Western problem: they are a human prob-
lem—one that appears to be increasing, year by year. Unless you live alone
in the wilderness, you cannot avoid them.
Extreme Charm and Persuasion
Another surprising and notable aspect of HCPs enables them to often get what
they want. They can be extremely charming, persuasive, and charismatic. At
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1: High- Conflict Politicians 9
least, that’s how they show themselves to others at first. Then, when they
get close to people or conflicts arise, their façade crumbles and they start to
show their true colors. If you want to see how predictable HCPs are, refer to
Appendix A: 40 Predictable Behaviors of HCPs.
CAUTIONARY NOTE: DON’T LABEL PRIVATE PEOPLE
By now you probably can think of a few people that fit this pattern . If you can, don’t tell
them you think they are HCPs! If they have this pattern (and most of us know someone
we suspect has this problem), they will hate or resent you for saying as much, and
they’ll probably make you their next Target of Blame .
Let me emphasize that HCPs do not choose to be difficult. All personal-
ities are the result of three basic factors, none of which we have control over
while growing up. It’s hard to know which played a bigger part in any one
person’s development, but it’s usually a combination:
Genetic tendencies at birth. These may be part of the human personal-
ity gene pool because certain traits have been helpful over time, such as
high- conflict traits during times of war.
Early childhood experiences. These can include child abuse or even
indulgence. Loss of a parent, separation from a parent or insecure attach-
ment to a parent at an early age can have devastating effects.
Cultural environment. Some say that the decade you’re born in shapes
your personality as much as your family. Over the last few decades,
the focus on the individual, electronic devices and the excessive focus
on self- esteem have all contributed to an increase in the culture of
narcissism.15
This means that we should have compassion for HCPs, but at the same
time we need to set firm limits to protect ourselves from their behavior.
The key is to adapt your own behavior rather than to try to change theirs.
Avoid trying to give them insight into themselves or endlessly discussing the
past. Just focus on what to do now, such as focusing on your own choices
going forward. And don’t choose them to be your partner, your team leader,
your boss, or your local (or national) leader.
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10 Part I: How Narcissists and Sociopaths Get Elected
Why Are There So Many HCPs in Politics Today?
I can think of at least two reasons for this:
1. HCPs can be mayors, governors, or even presidents. But some high-
conflict people really want to be kings (or, sometimes, queens). HCPs
are profoundly attracted to the glory and attention, vindication and
validation of being elected—and to gaining, having, and exercising
absolute power. In particular, they relish having the power to publicly
blame, punish, or destroy anyone they view as their enemy. They love
the fight—the adversarial process. But, above all, they want to win
and they want to dominate—and they want everyone to know that
they won, and to see them as the absolute top of the heap.
They want to be the strongman. The person no one challenges. The
person everybody loves—or at least obeys or bows down to. The
person with the power and the glory. And they are driven to do every-
thing they can to make this happen, regardless of the consequences
to others or even to themselves. They have unrestrained aggressive
behavior. They are fundamentally authoritarian, because it’s all about
them and their unlimited power over everyone else.
2. They are particularly drawn to the fantasy world of today’s high-
emotion media. In their various forms (network and cable TV, Face-
book, YouTube, etc.), these platforms do not require politicians to have
any leadership experience or political skill in order to provide them
with lots of attention. In fact, acting badly gets them more attention
than leadership skills do. Those HCPs who lack empathy and remorse
are good at creating fantasy images of themselves with no regard for
the truth—the charming storytellers who emotionally grab the voters
who are already primed for tales of crises, heroes, and villains.
Plus, high- emotion media craves high- conflict personalities. They
have the most exciting, dramatic, and expressive faces and voices that
work particularly well on screens and speakers, large and small—and
they sell the most advertising. With their emotional intensity, all- or-
nothing thinking, and seemingly unpredictable extreme behavior,
they are natural performers. High- emotion media attracts HCPs like
basketball attracts tall players. They are the best in the game.
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1: High- Conflict Politicians 11
But which HCPs are attracted to politics? There are five types of HCPs:
narcissistic, antisocial, borderline, paranoid, and histrionic. (See my book
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life for more on all five.) But most
aren’t interested in being in charge of a community or nation. The two
most charming, deceptive, and dangerous leaders are the HCPs with traits
of narcissistic and sociopathic personality disorders. Occasionally we see
traits of the others as well, but mostly these are the two personalities that
seek to be leaders.
Personality Disorders
I’m sure you have met some narcissists and sociopaths. They are everywhere.
In their extreme form, these are two of the ten personality disorders in the diag-
nostic manual of the American Psychiatric Association, known as the Diag-
nostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5).16
But I will not be determining whether the HCPs we discuss have these dis-
orders. Instead, my goal is to describe the conflict behavior patterns of these
personalities so that you can spot them when you are getting ready to make
voting decisions. The issue of whether HCPs simply have some traits of
these personalities or full- blown personality disorders is less important—
either case is a problem when we are choosing leaders.
Generally people with narcissistic personalities are self- absorbed, feel
entitled to special treatment, have grandiose ideas, have fantasies of unlim-
ited success and power, lack empathy, and are driven to show that they
are superior to others. People with sociopathic personalities (also known
as antisocial personalities) frequently violate rules and laws, are routinely
deceptive (lying and conning), are highly aggressive, lack remorse, and are
driven to dominate others.
&nbs
p; However, not all people with one of these personalities are HCPs,
because some don’t focus on Targets of Blame. And many of them have no
interest in politics. But the ones who are interested in politics and know
how to focus their attention (and the attention of others) on their Targets of
Blame are the most dangerous. They are the ones who want to get elected
and are driven to be in charge to dominate their targets. Let’s look at each of
these types of personality, separately at first, and then let’s see what happens
when they are combined into one person.
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12 Part I: How Narcissists and Sociopaths Get Elected
Narcissistic Personality Traits
Narcissists are preoccupied with looking and being superior to others. Nar-
cissistic HCPs make demeaning statements—often in public—against their
Targets of Blame, including their spouses, their children, co- workers, neigh-
bors, bosses, or heads of organizations. In order to appear superior, they
must put other people down. They do this a lot.
This characteristic makes politics appealing to them: political races pro-
vide them with opportunities to show that they are better than everyone
else. They can win. And in the process, they can get revenge on anyone who
tries to expose that they are not superior to everyone else.
Yet HCPs generally don’t have the flexible political skills they need for the
jobs they are running for, so instead they divert attention and keep the focus on
their Targets of Blame. They persuade everyone else that they are better than
that terrible candidate. But they also have grandiose ideas. They often convince
others that these ideas can come true, but only if they are made leader.
The most narcissistic HCPs are attracted to the highest offices, because
that proves that they are the most superior. Winning such an office also gives
them the power to really demean everyone else, especially their targets.
Diagnosing any personality disorder is generally very subjective and
based on the information available. Even experienced mental health pro-
fessionals often disagree. This is fine for our purposes, because we’re not
trying to reach a diagnosis here. We’re just trying to recognize high- conflict
behavior patterns that may cause a person to be dangerous and deceptive
and therefore not someone who should be elected.