Beautiful Pain

by J. M. Walker

  He leaned against the wall, a grin slowly spreading on his lips.

  I giggled, shaking my head. After I finished using the facilities, I was washing my hands when I looked in the mirror. Truly looked. It was like I was seeing myself for the first time. My dark hair was pulled back into a ponytail, knowing Matteo would pull the elastic out later when he kissed me. A slight flush had spread up my neck, giving my cheeks a rosy glow. My eyes dark but bright.

  I sighed.

  The man standing outside the door, waited for me. He was the one who made my heart skip a beat whenever I thought of him. He made the desire grow in the pit of my belly every time I was near him. He put this smile on my lips.

  Matteo Santos.

  He was it.

  The one.

  He could hurt me. He could rip out my heart and soul.

  But I would give him everything. All of me. And I knew. Right then and there, I was done.

  Mae

  Before I left the bathroom, I made a goal with myself to talk to Matteo. To tell him something was making me feel uncomfortable even though I was probably being paranoid. A twinge of unease swam through my being. Would Matteo tease me? Would his inner psychologist come out and tell me I was worrying over nothing? He knew my past. Not all of it but he knew enough. I didn’t tell him everything. Could I? As much as I wanted to reveal every piece to him, the walls I had built to protect myself were strong. I wasn’t even sure I could break them down.

  Taking a deep breath, I left the bathroom with intentions of telling Matteo I wanted to spend the night with him. That I wanted to tell him as much as I could. But when I walked out into the hallway and saw that I was alone, disappointment fluttered through my heart. Matteo was nowhere to be found.

  Wanting to send him a text, I realized I couldn’t when I left my phone at the table.

  He wasn’t anywhere in sight so I waited, figuring he was in the bathroom. My nerves were frayed, knowing I could be telling him all in only a matter of hours. When he didn’t appear after a couple of minutes, I headed back into the dining room.

  “Dan, can you please let Matteo know I’ve stepped outside for some fresh air?” I asked the older man and grabbed my purse.

  “I sure can,” he smiled at me.

  I felt the familiar pull at my lips. When I went outside, I sat on the bench. Leaning against the brick wall, I let out a heavy sigh. If only I knew how Matteo would react after I told him…everything.

  Even though Dan said he would tell Matteo where I was, I sent him a quick text anyways.

  Me: I’m outside getting some fresh air.

  Matteo: Meet you out there in a moment. Dealing with some patient emails.

  I smiled at the fact Matteo worked constantly. Always caring about his patients no matter how much they drove him insane.

  “Hello, Marketa.”

  I jumped at the deep voice and saw Andre approaching me. My stomach clenched, my heart hammering in my chest. But I put on a brave face for Matteo’s sake seeing as he had to deal with this guy on a regular basis, and smiled.

  “How are you?” Andre asked, sitting down on the bench beside me.

  “Not too bad.” I pulled my sweater tighter around me, wishing at that moment that I was wearing pants. With my legs crossed, the slit in my dress reached up to mid-thigh. I could feel Andre’s eyes burning through me, his heated stare no doubt moving down the length of my exposed skin.

  “Did you enjoy your dinner?”

  He was making small talk for whatever reason. Alright, I’ll bite. “It was good.”

  “You didn’t eat it all though.”

  My eyes snapped to his. “No. I guess I didn’t.”

  “So how would you know if it was good or not if you didn’t eat it all?” he asked roughly.

  “I…” My heart started racing. “I needed some fresh air so I didn’t get to eat it all.” Something was off.

  “Then you should have been honest and said that you didn’t get to eat your whole meal because you needed air,” he said, using air quotes.

  “I didn’t think I had to be so specific.” I rose to my feet, needing to get back to Matteo before this feeling grew into something I could no longer control.

  “How’s your mother, Marketa?”

  Stopping in my tracks, I slowly turned towards Andre. “Excuse me?”

  A wicked grin spread on his face. “Sit.”

  “I need to find Matteo,” I said, swallowing hard.

  “I said, sit,” he demanded. “Or else I’ll force you.”

  “I…what do you want?” I asked, my voice small. Matteo, where are you?

  “I want you to sit,” he answered casually, patting the empty spot beside him on the bench.

  Wishing at that point that I could disappear, hide under a rock or even cower in a corner, I did the only thing I could. I sat down.

  The pieces that had been torn from my soul so many years ago, continued to break one by one. The anxiety I had tried so hard to ignore, crept into my being like that of a ghost.

  “Good girl,” Andre sneered. “I know it was hard for you to listen to me right now. Especially with how much you like being told what to do.” Sarcasm dripped from his words, his deep voice taking on an edge of hatred.

  “What do you want, Andre?” I should have ran back inside. I should have listened to that little voice deep within the walls of my mind, warning me to stay away from Andre. So many things I should have done. But that piece of me, the willing submissive, pushed forth, forcing me to listen even though I didn’t want to.

  “You don’t remember me, do you?”

  Be strong, Marketa. “Should I?” I reached into my bag, pulling out my cell phone when it was snatched from my hand. “What are—”

  “You are going to listen to me now, little girl,” Andre grabbed my hand, squeezing to the point my bones started rubbing together.

  A whimper escaped me.

  “Look at me, Marketa,” Andre growled in my ear.

  “Why are you doing this?” I tried struggling out of his hold but his grip only tightened.

  “I want to talk.” He loosened his fingers, brushing his thumb over the back of my hand.

  “Matteo’s waiting for me,” I insisted, pulling from his hold.

  “I watched your mom die.”

  My heart sped up, a cold sweat dripping down the length of my spine. “You…”

  “I was there. I know what was done to you. I know your father shipped you away to live with your aunt and cousin. I also know the dark desires you crave because of the abuse that was inflicted on you.”

  “You don’t…you can’t know that,” I whispered, tears burning my eyes.

  “My son died because of you.”

  “Johan,” I gasped. “He was…”

  “My son.”

  Bile rose to my throat as memories flooded my mind.

  Dark sapphire eyes. Hot minty breath. Deep grunts filled with pleasure. Johan. A boy I had grown up with. Raised by the sadistic hands of his father. The abusive bastard blamed me for his son’s death when it was all him. I remembered Andre. The looks he gave me. The creepy side stares that made me feel like he wanted to eat me alive. Oh God. How could I forget him?

  “You remember me now, don’t you?” Andre rose to his feet, pacing back and forth in front of me. “Remember when we gave you the tattoo? Remember how you and my son were friends?” He laughed. “God, I can’t help but remember the look on your face when Johan showed his face at that club.”

  “You forced him,” I said, my voice cracking.

  “Did I? You were such a fucking tease, acting all innocent, egging my son and everyone else on.”

  “That is not true!” I shouted.

  “Isn’t it?”

  “How the hell did you get away?” I asked, knowing my father had a hand in my attacker’s disappearance.

  Andre brushed a piece of lint off of his suit jacket. “I have my ways.”

  “Tell me.”

  “He had no i
dea that I was in on it.”

  I stared at him. “How could he not know?”

  “What the hell is going on here?”

  A breath of relief washed over me at the deep accented voice coming from behind me. I ran to Matteo’s side.

  “Why hello, Matteo.” Andre smirked. “Marketa and I were just catching up.”

  “You two know each other?” Matteo wrapped his arm around my shoulders. The scent of spicy cologne wafted into my nostrils, easing the racing nerves twisting through my stomach.

  “We go way back. Isn’t that right, Marketa?” Andre winked at me and headed back into the restaurant.

  I made a mental note to call my father.

  When Matteo and I were alone, I slumped back onto the bench, exhaling a deep breath of frustration. Fear rippled down my spine, banging on the walls of my mind. I tried so hard to forget. My past. The monsters that took control even though I never allowed them. I tried to forget looking into my mom’s eyes as the life left her.

  “Mae?”

  Dropping my head into my shaky hands, I took several cleansing breaths. Why did I never notice who Andre was? Why did I never recognize him? “Take me home,” I pleaded softly.

  “Come with me, beautiful girl,” Matteo said, his voice gentle. He pulled me to my feet, wrapping his arm around my waist. “We need to talk.”

  And that was when a sob escaped me. My body shook, racking with cries I had held in for so long. The overwhelming grief from losing my mom. The fear that threatened to consume my soul.

  At one point, Matteo spoke into his phone, talking to someone. He told them he was taking me home.

  I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t focus on anything more than Andre’s words. The underlining threat that hid beneath them.

  Matteo lifted me, gently placing me in the passenger seat of his SUV.

  Curling my feet under me, I hid my face in my hands, swallowing the sorrow that took up residence in my soul. This was why I closed off my feelings. This was why I wouldn’t allow them to show through. They hurt. Too much.

  Mom, I miss you. So so much. I’m scared. I’m terrified of what I’m becoming. Please, God. Don’t let my past come back to destroy me. Mom, I’m sorry. So…sorry.

  “Let it out, Marketa,” Matteo said soothingly from beside me.

  “I…” I hiccupped.

  “Eyes on me, beautiful girl.”

  I couldn’t. As much as I needed to listen to him, I didn’t want to see the judgment in his eye. I didn’t want him to see how truly broken I was.

  “Look at me.” Matteo’s firm command pulled me from my thoughts.

  I turned his way but kept my gaze on my hands folded in my lap.

  “Look at me, Marketa,” Matteo said, cupping my cheeks and brushed his thumbs under my eyes. “See me. See my face. Let it be the last thing in your mind before you close your eyes.”

  “Matteo, I can’t,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut.

  “Please.” His warm mouth covered mine in a soft kiss. “I need you to look at me.”

  “I can’t. I…I refuse to see the judgment in your eyes,” I sobbed.

  “Shit.” He kissed me again and tilted my head, forcing me to look at him. “I would never judge you.” His brows narrowed. “Do you understand me?”

  “I…I…”

  “Do you?” he ground out through clenched teeth.

  I nodded. “I do. I’m sorry.”

  “Stop. We’re going back to my place. But first you’re going to curl on your side and close your eyes.”

  “But I—”

  “I want you to see just me. Let me help replace those memories with new ones. See me, pet.” His plea of desperation and the new term of endearment made my heart speed up.

  All I could do was nod as I closed my eyes, curling onto my side. Placing my head in his lap, I let out a heavy sigh.

  “Picture me in your beautiful mind.” His large hand brushed the hair off of my forehead. It moved across my head, petting me, caressing me until all I could focus on was Matteo. “Feel my touch. I won’t hurt you, Marketa.” Unless I asked for it, went unsaid.

  When the vehicle pulled to a stop ten minutes later, my body felt light, whole. At peace almost. But I knew it wouldn’t last. It never did.

  “Keep your eyes closed,” Matteo said, lifting me to a sitting position. “Open.”

  My lids fluttered open, landing on the darkest pair of eyes I had ever seen. I could get lost in Matteo, drown in his scent and bask in the rumble of his deep voice.

  He cupped my cheeks, kissing my forehead. His lips moved down the bridge of my nose before landing on my mouth.

  My lips parted, hinting, begging for him to erase this anxiety constantly growing inside of me. I breathed in deep, inhaling the strength he had tried so hard to give me. “Matteo.” I sighed, savoring the softness of his lips against mine.

  Something inside of me switched. That shy timid girl, that trembling woman from only a couple minutes before, snapped. I pushed against Matteo, forcing him back in his seat.

  A deep growl rumbled from his chest, his hands grazing down the length of my back.

  Taking control for as long as I could, I lifted my dress to my hips. Keeping my mouth locked with his, I cupped his jaw, sliding my tongue in and out of his mouth.

  Our breathing quickened. His fingers dug into the flesh of my rear. Matteo’s body hardened beneath me, growing to a point it sent a flutter of desire racing through me.

  I wanted him. Every single throbbing inch. I wanted to feel the veiny ridge of his length thrusting into me. I wanted to hear him demanding me to give him the pleasure I knew he craved.

  To be this close to someone. To open up that vulnerable piece of yourself took strength and courage. I would give him everything. All of me. But right now, I wanted him to fuck me in the worst way possible.

  Running my hands down his chest, I pulled the shirt tails from his pants.

  “Hmm…my beautiful girl wants something,” Matteo purred, brushing his mouth down the length of my jaw.

  “I want you to fuck me. I need your control,” I pleaded, grinding into him.

  He paused, holding me at arm’s length. “You think my control is the only thing that will make you feel better?” His voice was clipped, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

  “What? No. I know you can make me feel better. I—”

  “You want me to treat you like a slave, only allowing you orgasms when I see fit? You want me to treat you like a slut?”

  “Matteo.” My brows narrowed, the desire I had for him simmering to a dull roar as his hurtful words hit home. “What’s your problem?”

  His eyes moved back and forth before he looked down at his lap.

  I followed his gaze. The heat from his thick erection, covered by his pants, melted into me.

  “I’m sorry.” He pushed me onto the passenger seat.

  “Am I spending the night?”

  “Let’s get you inside,” he said, leaving the vehicle.

  “Matteo,” I said softly, opening my door.

  He pulled me to my feet, kissing my knuckles and guided us to his apartment building.

  Something told me that I would be spending the night but not in the way either of us wanted.

  Matteo

  I wasn’t sure what had come over me. I liked being in control. I needed it on a deeper level. But Mae’s words, her desperate pleas for me to control her completely, triggered something inside of me. For her to say she only felt better once I got my grip on her registered a memory from long ago. A dark place in my life where nothing made sense. Nothing was as it seemed. Claws of fear gripped at my spine. A dark cloud of utter despair washed over me. I needed to control Mae but not in the way she thought.

  “Matteo?” Mae’s small voice pulled me from my thoughts.

  “Why do you want me to control you?” I blurted.

  She stopped in her tracks, her back stiffening. “You know why.” She pushed open the door to the apartment buildin
g.

  “No, I don’t.” I grabbed her hand, spinning her towards me.

  “Matteo,” I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

  “I want to know why you feel that if I control you, it’ll make you feel better.” I pinched her chin, tilting her head and stared intently into her beautiful dark eyes. “I want to know what exactly happened with you and Andre. Why did we have to leave the restaurant?”

  Mae’s eyes fluttered closed, her brows furrowing. “He was there.” Her breath hitched. “His son was one of the men who…who attacked me. He had forced his son to take part. Everything had happened so fast even though it was a lifetime ago. They tortured me at that club for weeks, giving me the awful tattoo at some point in between.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Please, Matteo. I don’t want any issues,” she pleaded. “He was only trying to scare me.”

  “I don’t fucking care.” I pulled away from her, needing to catch my bearings. I had never liked the guy. Never fucking trusted him. But this… “I’ll make some calls. You’ll never have to worry about seeing him again.”

  Mae opened her mouth to argue but let out a heavy sigh instead and nodded.

  Smart girl. There was no way I would have anyone scare Marketa or threaten her in any way. I didn’t care if it all happened in the past. I would take the brunt of the wrath before I let anything happen to her.

  “I want to tell you everything,” she said, pulling me from my thoughts and stepped into the elevator. “But I need you to have patience with me.”

  Patience. That was one thing I never had. I searched her face. Her teeth grazed over her bottom lip, nipping the soft skin that I wanted to bite.

  A shiver of desire raced through the pit of my gut, flowing to the tip of my dick.

  Once the doors closed, I was on her. Forcing Mae against the wall, I lifted her. Crashing my lips to hers, I swallowed her gasp. A growl rumbled from my chest, my hips pushing hard into hers. I didn’t know what was going on. It was highly inappropriate but at that point, I didn’t care. Having an outer body experience, I could see myself taking control from Mae. My hands roamed. My fingers massaged.

  Her nails dug into my nape, pulling at my hair and forced my head back.