Brave Beginnings

by Ruth Ann Nordin

  ~~********~~

  Chapter 4

  Another round of giggles that could only be interpreted as cackling erupted from the garden close to the river. Chogan shuddered and hurried along the cornstalks that the women in the garden were harvesting. He hoped Sarita wouldn’t see him. He should never have strayed so far from his clan, especially not in this direction. But the stag had drifted off in that direction, and he didn’t want to miss the opportunity to get such a prized animal. With its rich brown coat, it would make good clothes, and with its size, it would provide meat for his lodge and for his in-laws.

  Even if his wife was no longer alive, he provided for her lodge when he caught a sizable animal. It wasn’t something he did because he was expected to, but he felt as if they were his second family and just because he moved back to his parents’ lodge after her death, it didn’t erase the bond he’d developed with them.

  Lost in his thoughts of the past, he didn’t see Achai until he almost ran into him.

  Achai sighed and motioned to the large deer on the travois Chogan pulled behind him. “I see you got lucky.”

  “Luck has nothing to do with it when you know what you’re doing.” Even if he wasn’t in the best of moods, Chogan couldn’t miss the opportunity to give his friend a hard time.

  Achai rolled his eyes. “It must be all the fasting you do. It brings good luck your way.”

  “I don’t fast to sway fortune my way.”

  He did it to be left alone. No one ever questioned a man who wished to go away from the village so he could fast, and Chogan found it a good respite from everything. He just wished that he could erase Julia from his mind.

  Chogan stepped forward, thinking Achai would go the other way and find his own game, but Achai joined him.

  “I thought I should warn you that Citlali’s been asking where you are,” Achai said.

  He grimaced but didn’t slow his pace lest Sarita or one of the women in her family see him and call out to him. It seemed to him that Sarita and Citlali had the same goal. “If he wants to see Sarita married, then why doesn’t he marry her?”

  “Because his family already made their own arrangements.”

  “Too bad Sarita isn’t Onawa’s sister. Then he could marry them both and be done with it.”

  “You’re one of the few single men here. You should know that makes you an easy target.”

  “Yes. I feel very much like this poor stag.”

  Achai grinned. “If the deer makes you uneasy, I’d be happy to take him off your hands.”

  “Oh? And what honor would there be in that? A man earns his own way. He doesn’t rely on others to do it for him.”

  He shrugged. “I was only trying to help a friend. You could simply run off on another fast while I take the food back. You know Citlali’s going to be lurking near your lodge when you get there.”

  “I know better than to make such a deal with you,” Chogan said, and despite his firm tone, a smile hinted on his lips. “You go and get your own game. Make your wife and children proud to have you in their lodge.”

  With a whimsical look, Achai lifted his bow and arrow and headed off.

  As much as Chogan hated the thought of seeing Citlali, he pressed forward. He silently cursed his luck for having been born in the same clan that Citlali had been born into, for that made Citlali his leader. Maybe he wasn’t the official leader, but the people regarded him in high esteem. One day Citlali would find his way to chief, but for now his influence was limited, though that didn’t spare Chogan the younger man’s harassment.

  Chogan caught sight of Citlali and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that Citlali was in a conversation with an elderly man known for rambling. That ought to keep Citlali off his hands for a good while. He let go of the travois and entered the lodge where his mother and grandmother were cutting some squash. Several young girls sat around one of his aunts who was teaching them how to weave beads into a dress.

  His mother glanced up with a question in her eyes.

  “You might want to call in the others from the garden. I got a strong deer.” He motioned to the entrance.

  Chogan’s aunt and the girls dropped their things to follow him and his mother outside. His mother shrieked with delight. “How did you find something this magnificent so close to the village?”

  Chogan smiled as his mother and the others hovered around the stag. “Fortune was with me today.”

  “The spirits look favorably upon you,” she replied, running her hand along the animal’s body. “This will make fine clothing.”

  “That’s what I thought when I saw it.”

  “I’ll get the others to help,” his aunt excitedly said as she went to find the other members of their lodge.

  “I want to give a portion to Meriwa’s family.”

  His mother furrowed her brows. “Why not give it to Sarita as a gift?”

  “I always give a portion of my hunt to Meriwa’s lodge.”

  “But they don’t expect it.”

  His expression darkened. “I don’t want to marry Sarita.”

  With a heavy sigh, his mother led him away from the children. “You are still young. I have allowed for time to pass since your wife’s death, but it’s time to think of marrying again. Citlali and—”

  “Citlali needs to stay out of my business,” he snapped.

  “He didn’t come alone. Hache-Hi came as well.”

  So Citlali had sought the assistance of the leader of their clan. Chogan closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm his anxiety.

  “If Sarita does not please you, then there must be another one you could marry,” his mother suggested. “I agree that you should marry, but I believe the choice of which woman you marry should be yours.”

  “And if I don’t want to marry anyone in the tribe?”

  “It would be preferable to have a Mandan wife. You really don’t want any of them? There are more women than men, so I don’t understand why you can’t find one to your liking.”

  “I’ve been married before.”

  “So?”

  “So I understand that marriage is more than having children. I don’t want to be married to someone else who’ll—” He stopped himself before he said ‘make me miserable’. It wasn’t fair to Meriwa’s memory to say something like that.

  “You could have divorced her,” his mother softly admonished. “It would’ve been a simple thing to leave her lodge.”

  “With her as sick as she was?”

  “Not all the women here are weak. Many are strong and capable.” She paused and tilted her head, studying his face. “Unless...”

  “Unless?”

  “You harbor feelings for the white woman? Gary’s sister?”

  “She’s with a white man,” he bitterly replied. “She has no use for me.” He wished he could erase the memory of that white man’s smug look. Chogan didn’t have to be knocked over the head to interpret the man’s claim on what he considered to be his territory.

  “Then pick another woman. One who is available,” his mother pressed. “You may even choose one from another tribe.”

  He grimaced. He didn’t want a woman from his tribe, nor did he care for one from the two neighboring tribes. There was only one he wanted, and she was already spoken for. He felt like a fool. He’d dressed up in his best to see her and honestly believed she might come back with him. But she had moved on. She was a part of the white man’s world, and he was a part of the Indian world. A blending between the two wouldn’t work for them. As unfortunate as that was, he had to come to terms with it.

  With a sinking feeling in his gut, he scanned the lodges around him. Even a careless glance showed him one of the women he could bring gifts to.

  As if on cue, Citlali walked in his direction. “He should be out hunting instead of bothering others,” Chogan grumbled.

  His mother shot him an amused look. “He has the best interest of our people at heart. It is why they respect him, even if he is young.”


  Probably sensing a not-so-kind reply forming on Chogan’s lips, she promptly turned to the stag where his aunts and one of their husbands had come to take care of it. Chogan knew it was pointless to fight the inevitable. If Citlali had managed to talk his mother and Hache-Hi into the notion that he needed to marry, then any more argument would be a waste of energy.

  Citlali opened his mouth to speak, but Chogan decided to beat him to it. “The choice will be mine. I will not marry Sarita. I don’t care if her father has a white buffalo robe and she owns a tribal bundle.”

  Citlali nodded. “Then you will marry.”

  “You leave me no choice.”

  “It is good for the tribe.”

  “Maybe, but I sense the day is coming when you will learn that what is good for the tribe is not necessarily good for a man.” Then, to end the discussion, he turned his back on Citlali and helped his family with the deer.

  ***

  Julia took the necklace her sister-in-law had given her and clasped it around her neck. The brown, blue and red glass beads felt cool against her skin, a reminder that she had to take it off when she bathed. She slipped it under her blouse and pulled her hair back into a bun.

  She heard the familiar footsteps of her aunt coming up the stairs and called out, “I’m almost ready!”

  Erin appeared in the doorway with an uncertain look on her face.

  Julia frowned. “What’s wrong? Is the train running late?” Then her gaze fell to the letter Erin held. “Who is that from?”

  “I’m sorry, Julia.”

  Alarmed at her aunt’s ‘I have bad news’ tone, Julia ran over to her and took the letter. “It’s from Gary. He never writes this soon after seeing us.” In fact, he rarely ever wrote. She clutched the paper to her chest, unable to read it until she was properly warned. “Did something happen to Woape or the child?”

  “No. No, it’s nothing like that.”

  “Then what?”

  “I think you should unpack.”

  Julia glanced at the travel bag that she’d been putting her things in before she turned back to her aunt. “But I need to see Chogan...”

  She shook her head. “He’s married, sweetheart.”

  “Married?” she dumbly asked, suddenly unable to compute exactly what that word meant.

  When her aunt motioned to the letter in her grip, she reluctantly relaxed her hands and smoothed out the wrinkled paper so she could read it. Her heart raced with a mixture of dread and horror as she scanned the contents. Gary wrote that he would bring Woape and Penelope by in two weeks since the tribe would be done with the harvest. Then he rambled on about some of the exciting things he was learning, but she skimmed through that section. She flipped the letter over and that’s when she read it.

  Chogan’s married.

  It was all her brother wrote. There was no other explanation. He just continued on with some of the other things happening in the tribe, but Julia couldn’t make out any of the words through her tears.

  “Julia?” Erin whispered.

  “I never should have said no when he proposed,” she managed before she collapsed into her aunt’s arms and cried.

  Erin hugged her. “I’m so sorry, honey. Come on.” She gently led her to the bed and sat next to her, holding her and running her hand up and down her back. “Chogan didn’t say anything about marrying anyone when he was here. I thought he came here to see you. I don’t know what happened.”

  “Ernest happened.” She pulled away from her aunt and searched for the handkerchief she’d recently packed in the bag next to her. “Ernest showed up, and Chogan assumed the worst.”

  “You might be right.”

  She pulled out the handkerchief and wiped her eyes. “I should have gone after him when he and Gary left. I just didn’t know what to do. It all happened so fast. And I didn’t have to wait a week to get the ticket.”

  Her aunt continued to rub her back. “You’re not one to act on impulse.”

  “That’s because I let fear hold me back. All of my life I let fear hold me back. It’s why I didn’t marry Chogan when he asked. I didn’t think I could fit in with his tribe. I was too scared to leave everything I knew.” More tears fell and her lower lip quivered. “I was afraid, and now I missed the one chance I had to be with the most wonderful man I’ve ever known. I’ll never find anyone like him again.”

  Her body shook as another onslaught of tears overtook her, and all she could do was cry while her aunt continued to hold her.

  ~~********~~

  Chapter 5

  Julia had a hard time sitting through the meal at the Freeman’s residence. She glanced across the table at her aunt who managed to talk up a storm, and Julia said a silent prayer of thanks for the fact that the woman was longwinded. It was a mistake to come here. Just as it had been a mistake to turn down Chogan’s proposal a year ago. Just as it had been a mistake to let him leave when he saw Ernest standing too close to her. Just as it had been a mistake not to find a way to get to his tribe before he got married to someone else.

  It seemed to her that her life had been composed of a series of mistakes, and for the past week, that was all she could think of. Missed opportunities. Times she wanted to do one thing but did another. There had only been one time she didn’t analyze everything through before she did it, and that was when she went on a search for her brother. Looking back and knowing her brother and Woape were alright, she had to admit those days hunting rabbits with Chogan were the best of her life.

  And now he’d take another woman hunting for rabbits. Her fork clattered to the plate as she gave up on eating any more of the pot roast in front of her. She had no idea who the woman was, but she hated her. Though she knew she had no claim on Chogan, she couldn’t imagine him with anyone else.

  “Julia, are you alright?”

  Her aunt’s worried tone broke her out of her thoughts. She looked across the table at Erin. “I’m not hungry.” She glanced at Ernest who sat next to her and his parents who sat at opposite ends of the dining table. “The food is delicious. I probably ate too much at lunch today.”

  Ernest’s mother chuckled. “A skinny thing like you needs to eat more. I hope you’ll save room for dessert.”

  With a half-hearted smile, Julia nodded and folded her hands over the napkin resting in her lap.

  Sure, Mrs. Freeman’s pot roast was savory compared to the rabbit she and her aunt cooked over the campfire over a year ago, but the rabbit had tasted better. She knew it had nothing to do with the meat or Mrs. Freeman’s cooking. It was because Chogan had been there, eating with them and exchanging stories about their pasts.

  Julia forced her eyes toward her aunt, well aware that Ernest studied her. Her face flushed. She didn’t particularly enjoy being watched, even if she knew his examination stemmed from concern for her well-being. Perhaps she should be glad for the way things turned out. She recalled how frightening it had been to be with the Mandans. The men didn’t cover their bodies like she was used to, and some of their ceremonial practices spooked her because they were much more vocal than the churches she’d grown up in. When it came down to it, she didn’t know if she could ever be comfortable living there.

  Why Chogan? Of all the men alive, why did it have to be him? Why didn’t she feel a connection with Ernest? It’d make much more sense to love Ernest. They came from the same background and were used to the same things. The choice seemed to be an obvious one, so shouldn’t she be glad to have a second chance with him?

  Julia struggled to remember why she said no when Ernest had asked her to marry him all those years ago. Time had done its part to cloud her memory. She had a fondness for Ernest. That she knew. But something didn’t add up. In the years that passed, she figured it was her duty to Gary that made her say no. Would she have married Ernest if he hadn’t moved to Fargo? She glanced his way again and wondered if she’d marry him this time if he asked.

  He looked pleasant enough. He would not make her heart race in anticipation
like Chogan did, but then, butterflies in the stomach didn’t ensure a good marriage. No. There had to be more to sharing a life with someone than physical attraction. The man and woman had to be amiable toward one another too, and she had found her encounters with Ernest to be quite amiable. Maybe not exciting, but they’d been sweet. Surely, she could work with sweet.

  Maybe it all came down to one simple question: did she want to end up without a husband and children? It wasn’t something she gave serious thought to. In fact, for the most part she developed a sense of peace about being an old maid. And she still might have had it not been for Chogan. Seeing him again brought long forgotten dreams to the surface. Maybe she shouldn’t confine herself to Chogan. If she couldn’t have him, did that mean she had to forfeit having children?

  At her age, she didn’t exactly have the luxury of waiting much longer. She’d be twenty-nine in December. The clock was ticking against her.

  Mrs. Freeman brought out the peach cobbler for dessert, and Julia forced herself to eat her portion in case the woman admonished her, once again, for being “too skinny”. As she ate, Ernest talked about the bank and how he enjoyed working there. Julia tried to imagine her future with him. She guessed it would be a lot like this.

  They’d visit his parents and her aunt. He’d probably discuss his job. She’d be unable to think of much to say, but she often didn’t have much to say regardless of who was at the table. His parents would be nice to her, as they’d always been, and his mother would probably go on a crusade to fatten her up. They’d mostly likely take turns seeing her aunt and his parents, and they’d opt to bring her aunt to his parents for the holidays.

  From the future that played out in her mind, it seemed like such an easy thing to agree to. She could be very content with this. All she needed to add were the children she and Ernest would have together. Her heart ached. She remembered holding her niece. She did want to hold her own baby. Looking at Ernest again, she knew this was her only chance of having a baby. She didn’t doubt he’d make a good husband and father. He’d provide well for their children.