Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties

by Lynda Renham

  Jack Diamond and Mad Jack look around puzzled.

  ‘I’m afraid you’re a bit late. The shit hit the fan ten minutes ago,’ I say. ‘It’s kind of old news.’

  Diamond shakes with anger and turns a red face towards Margarita.

  ‘Right,’ he says loudly, ‘I want ten grand up front and a grubby hand every month after that.’

  ‘A grubby hand?’ she repeats distastefully.

  ‘A grand,’ says Fi helpfully.

  ‘How d-d-d-did you know that?’ asks Alistair impressed.

  ‘I picked it up somewhere,’ she says proudly, squeezing his arm.

  I shake my head. Honestly, those two, what are they like? One minute Fiona can’t stand him and the next she’s all over him like a rash.

  ‘Have you gone stark staring mad young man, no one is going to give you that,’ says a shocked Margarita.

  ‘Then, I’ll call the old bill shall I? Ask them to search that lake of yours.’

  Margarita looks puzzled.

  ‘He means the loch,’ adds Brice helpfully.

  ‘Why would anyone want to search the loch?’ she asks.

  Jack Diamond slaps his hand to his head.

  ‘Of course, none of yer know do yer? I got to paint a bleeding portrait for you ain’t I? When they search your loch they’ll find my son, cos she killed ‘im,’ he says, dramatically pointing to me. ‘And he ‘elped dispose of the body, and so did she?’ He reels around and points first to Brice and then Fiona.

  There are gasps and murmurs from around the ballroom. Phoebe claps her hand to her mouth and Alistair’s eyes widen. His mouth gapes and all he can articulate is,

  ‘F-f-f-f-f- …’

  ‘Fiddlesticks,’ I say.

  ‘Fuck,’ he finishes.

  ‘Oh,’ I say, ‘it never normally is that.’

  ‘Shut up Harry,’ snaps Fiona.

  ‘I knew you were a nasty piece of work but I didn’t think you were that nasty,’ cries Phoebe.

  I give her an evil look.

  ‘Christ Harry, you bloody killed Babyface Jack. Were you out of your mind?’ says Julian,

  ‘Have you gone stark staring mad? My grandson is a doctor. He makes people well, he doesn’t kill them,’ Margarita says with disbelief etched on her face.

  ‘Oh, I get it now,’ says Caron excitedly. ‘Is it one of them murder mystery things?’

  Gary claps his hands.

  ‘Blimey, you’ve planned this bloody well. Are they actors?’ he asks nodding towards the Jacks. ‘And he’s got a finger missing, this is cool, huh Caron?’

  She nods.

  ‘Is this a game Brice?’ Margarita asks.

  Jack Diamond bangs his fist on the table.

  ‘Right, listen up will yer? There ain’t no bleedin’ mystery ‘ere. ‘arriet shot my son Babyface Jack, and she and that friend of ‘ers carried him to a boat in a rolled up carpet. I saw it with me own eyes. In the dead of bleeding night they did it. I saw me son Babyface Jack, dead on the ground he was, ain’t that right Mad Jack Junior.’

  ‘Oh yeah, as if,’ laughs Gary.

  ‘Oh God,’ cries Emily softly.

  Cedric looks from Diamond to me.

  ‘Is this true madam?’ he asks. ‘Did you shoot this baby Jackface?’

  ‘Babyface Jack,’ corrects Fiona.

  ‘It was an accident,’ I say.

  Well it was wasn’t it? There is a stunned silence. Mum and Dad are looking incredulous along with everyone else.

  ‘You murdered someone?’ says Dad.

  There are shocked cries from the guests.

  ‘Shouldn’t someone call the police? This is highly irregular,’ says one stepping forward to face Diamond.

  ‘On your way young man while you can,’ he says in his upper-crust voice.

  Diamond surveys him and grins.

  ‘And who the ‘ell are you?’

  ‘I’m the Honourable Lord Maycroft and you are very much upsetting my wife, Lady Annabel Maycroft.’

  ‘Ooh I say,’ says Mad Jack imitating Lord Maycroft’s accent.

  ‘Well we’re the Honourable Diamonds and we ain’t going nowhere. Now, there ain’t no good crying over spilt milk is there, I mean what’s done is done. I just think you should pay a little compensation for it. I ain’t going to the filth as long as you pay up,’ says Diamond his eyes hard as steel.

  He walks calmly past Margarita to the table. Several guests back away nervously and he smiles before taking another glass of champagne. ‘Of course, if you don’t pay up I’ll have to pay the old bill a visit, and I guess old ‘arriet and your doctor grandson will rot away in prison.’

  ‘Are you seriously threatening us?’ asks Brice. ‘There are a lot of very respectable witnesses in this room.’

  I hold my breath.

  ‘I think a few crates of this nice champers would go down a treat too. Shall we say a crate a month? Put it this way, I can’t guarantee anything if you don’t ‘elp yourself. Yer know what I mean? There are villains around who wouldn’t think twice about robbing an old dear like your Gran ‘ere or torching them barns outside. You know what I’m saying? Little bleeders some of these villains but me, well I’ve got a bit of class.’

  Brice steps forward and Margarita looks at him hopefully.

  ‘If it’s all the same I think we’ll decline your whole offer as fair as it seems to be,’ he says calmly. ‘Do you agree old girl,’ he adds looking towards Margarita.

  ‘Well, I don’t know. I don’t want you going to prison Brice,’ she says anxiously.

  I wait for her to mention me but there is nothing, nothing from her at all. It’s okay for me to rot in jail then. Mad Jack looks uncomfortable but forces a laugh.

  ‘I think you would be going up a blind alley mate if you don’t pay me,’ says Diamond with a hint of menace in his tone.

  ‘I can’t agree with you Diamond. You see, the thing is, I don’t know what you’re talking about when you say Babyface is dead. Harriet shot him in error yes, but we took good care of him. I rather think your blackmailing of Harriet is something of a bigger crime,’ says Brice, helping himself to a glass of champagne.

  ‘What yer talking about?’ asks Diamond. ‘I saw the carpet with me own bleedin’ eyes.’

  ‘Indeed you did,’ smiles Brice. ‘And he was in it. But we never dumped him in the loch. We dumped the carpet, but your son was not in it.’

  ‘I don’t believe this. You’re all bleedin’ mad. I’ll go to the old bill, I’m telling yer. Give me the money or I’ll do it.’

  Brice nods to me and I open the French doors to allow Babyface and Angus into the ballroom.

  ‘Allow us to bring the police to you,’ says Brice with a smile.

  ‘Evening all,’ nods Angus in his police uniform. The uniform is just a bit tight and Angus’s chest strains against the fabric and his hair spills out from under his hat. I fight back my smile. He looks a most unlikely police officer.

  ‘Good God Angus, why are you dressed …’ blurts out Margarita.

  ‘Shall we hear what people have to say old girl,’ butts in Brice.

  I take a deep breath and send out a silent prayer. Please please let this go according to plan, otherwise I’m in shit street good and proper. Julian looks like he is about to keel over any minute. Gary is jumping around in excitement. The poor bugger still thinks it is a murder mystery evening. He’ll be devastated when he finds out there are no prizes. Jack Diamond looks at Babyface and his face widens in a huge grin.

  ‘Where the bastard ‘ell have you been?’ he demands.

  Melanie sighs.

  ‘Oh honestly, do we have to listen to this?’ asks Sebastian. ‘God knows haven’t we had enough shocks for one evening?’

  Margarita scoffs.

  ‘Do shut up Sebastian and for once in your life listen to someone else. Now, what on earth is this all about Brice?’

  I step forward.

  ‘It’s all about me really,’ I say.

  ‘Isn’t that
a surprise,’ snaps Phoebe. There is pleasure written all over her face.

  ‘Harriet, careful what you say,’ warns Julian.

  ‘I think you would be wise to stay out of this,’ says Brice firmly.

  ‘I’m sorry Dad,’ says Babyface. ‘I know it was wrong to let yer think I was dead. But the thing is I was getting scared about you doing bird. I mean, what would Mum do with you inside? And …’

  ‘What did he just say?’ asks a perplexed Margarita.

  ‘Yer mum has sod all to do with this boy. Now, just keep yer mouth shut.’

  Babyface looks worriedly at Brice and then to me.

  ‘We’ve got a small problem here Jack,’ Brice says pointing to Diamond. ‘We know about your blackmailing of Harriet, extorting money from her, threatening to burn down the restaurant if she didn’t pay, and of course I’m conveniently forgetting you were trespassing on private property, and I’m not even mentioning how you blackmailed Harriet’s boyfriend Julian, over there,’ he says pointing to a nervous Julian. ‘Although I’m sure he deserved everything he got. But you made the big mistake of coming here and blackmailing my grandmother. The problem is Sergeant Tweedy here heard everything outside the door.’

  Diamond looks wide-eyed at Angus.

  ‘Sergeant Angus Tweedy at your disposal,’ Angus grins.

  ‘God, this is fan-bloody-tastic,’ cries Gary. ‘I bet it was in the library with the lead piping. Am I right?’

  ‘It’s sheer bloody madness,’ says Phoebe. ‘Hamilton why are you allowing such common behaviour in your home?’

  ‘I’ll have you know this is my home, young lady,’ barks Margarita. ‘None of this belongs to Hamilton and if I have my way, it never will. As for you Angus, I have no idea what you’re playing at but I’m willing to see this charade to its conclusion.’

  Angus nods politely.

  ‘What the hell is going on Babyface?’ Mad Jack Junior shouts. ‘You’re a bloody traitor you are. Letting the firm down, where’s your respect?’

  ‘Shut your mush Mad Jack,’ says Diamond, taking a sip from his glass.

  ‘I don’t wanna keep me mouth shut,’ says Babyface proudly. ‘I ‘ave got respect, so you just shut it Mad Jack. I don’t want Dad in the clink and you shouldn’t want that neither and the other thing Dad, is I don’t wanna be a … a …’

  ‘Yeah a what?’ laughs Mad Jack. ‘A bleedin’ retard …’

  ‘I’m not a retard,’ shouts Babyface. ‘I’ve been studying …’

  ‘You’ve been what?’ shouts Diamond, spitting out his drink.

  Gary waves his hand in the air.

  ‘When do we start guessing who did it?’ he asks, gesturing to Cedric. ‘Another lager mate.’

  I roll my eyes.

  ‘This isn’t bloody Columbo,’ I snap.

  ‘Be quiet Gary love,’ says Mum. ‘I’m sure Harry will tell us when we can join in.’

  ‘Studying what?’ laughs Mad Jack. ‘How to be a bleedin’ idiot? Cos I can tell yer it worked.’

  ‘Shut your mush I told yer?’ snaps Diamond. ‘What yer been studying?’ he asks Babyface.

  ‘Car mechanics, I like it. I ain’t done much but I like it and I don’t wanna be in the firm.’

  Julian steps forward cockily, obviously not so fearful of losing his ear/tongue/penis with a room full of witnesses.

  ‘I’m not paying you any more either,’ he says with a little quiver in his voice.

  Diamond shoves him aside roughly.

  ‘Obviously I’m happy to discuss it,’ adds Julian nervously.

  ‘Do shut up Julian. Amazingly enough this isn’t about you,’ I snap.

  Angus takes a pair of handcuffs from his pocket.

  ‘Okay, let’s go shall we?’ he says, stepping towards Diamond.

  ‘Just a minute,’ I say taking my cue.

  ‘If these men are sorry and promise not to bother us again we don’t have to press charges do we?’

  ‘I rather think we do young lady,’ says Margarita.

  ‘I think Grandmother is right,’ Hamilton adds. ‘I’m with you all the way Grandma. We can’t have people like this threatening you. The thing is it wouldn’t surprise me if Harriet knows these men. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if she is involved. I didn’t want to tell you this but she actually forced me to deceive you. I didn’t want to,’ he says stepping close to her and warming to his theme. ‘But, I got involved with her and when I tried to break it off she threatened me saying she’d go to the papers, tell them how I demanded kinky sex and …’

  What the fuck. Several of the guests gasp in amazement and make their way to the French doors.

  ‘That’s enough Hamilton. I think we get the picture,’ interrupts Sebastian.

  ‘Hamilton, I wouldn’t have sex, bleeding kinky or otherwise, with you. As for telling the papers, well really, you don’t honestly think I would admit to anyone that we had sex, do you? Unless you sort out that halitosis of yours I really can’t imagine anyone wanting sex with you.’

  Margarita laughs.

  ‘She does have a point boy. What is your reason for not pressing charges against these men Harriet?’

  ‘Because everyone deserves a second chance,’ I say, praying she agrees.

  ‘That’s my feeling,’ agrees Hamilton. ‘Everyone deserves a second chance.’

  ‘It’s not mine,’ says Julian.

  ‘I totally agree. I think Babyface is the killer and the body is in the kitchen,’ pipes up Gary.

  For Christ’s sake.

  ‘Second chances,’ barks Margarita. ‘Not fourth and fifth chances, Hamilton. You have well passed your second chance. You never stop lying. Now let me get this straight. Mr Diamond here was blackmailing Julian, who I now understand is your boyfriend?’

  ‘Ex-boyfriend,’ I correct.

  ‘Harriet, come on,’ pleads Julian.

  ‘Shut up you bleeding idiot. If my Harriet says you’re her ex, that’s exactly what you are,’ snaps Mum.

  ‘And you got left with the debts. Am I correct so far?’

  I nod.

  ‘So my darling grandson here offered you money to pretend to be his girlfriend so I’d be pleased.’

  ‘No no …’ begins Hamilton.

  She gives him a sharp look and he stops immediately.

  ‘Brice, what are your thoughts? You seem to be getting somewhat involved I notice.’

  Phoebe laughs.

  ‘This is a joke of the most ridiculous magnitude. She’s just a washerwoman. Brice isn’t interested in her. He told me so. She works in a laundrette, I ask you, and she swans down here and thinks all the men want her. You’re a novelty, you and your family. Everyone here is just enjoying the farce of your little working-class family. Let’s face it, this is the first time we’ve seen someone drinking lager from a can. You can’t possibly take anything she says seriously.’

  I look at Brice who lowers his eyes. Gary’s shoulders twitch and he puts his can down. I feel both anger and pity for him. Caron walks towards Phoebe and before anyone has a chance to stop her she slaps Phoebe across the face.

  ‘I imagine you’ve never had anyone do that either,’ she yells.

  ‘Oh my giddy aunt,’ cries Mum.

  ‘How dare you speak about people like that in my home. Harriet and her family are here at my invitation which is more than can be said for you,’ growls Margarita.

  Brice steps towards me but I give him a warning glance. How dare he discuss me with that horrible Phoebe?

  ‘I think we should leave this in the hands of Angus,’ Brice says simply.

  ‘I agree. Take them away Angus.’

  He nods and ushers the Jacks into the hall. Noise breaks out in the ballroom the minute we close the door.

  ‘So she agrees,’ says Angus.

  ‘I knew she would,’ smiles Brice looking at me. I turn away. Somewhere at the back of my mind is the notion that Phoebe was right. Brice is enjoying all of this. It has probably been good entertainment for him. What a fool
I am. You’d think I’d have learnt something from Julian’s lies wouldn’t you?

  Diamond shrugs off Angus’s arm.

  ‘What the bleedin’ hell is going on?’ he asks nervously.

  ‘Let’s just say it’s your lucky day shall we,’ Angus says, rubbing his hands. ‘Now, I’m getting old, you know what I mean? All this hassle, it’s too much for me. The police force doesn’t pay what it used to, know what I mean? I’m sure you do. Now, how about you give me six hundred pounds, in cash mind you, and we forget everything, saves me the hassle of taking you and your boys in and all the paperwork I’d have to do. Of course, if you go near Harriet again I’ll come after you with all guns blazing. You got that?’

  ‘Pay him Dad,’ says Mad Jack his eyes wild and bright.

  Babyface winks at me and I give a half smile.

  ‘Wait a minute, you saying we can just go if I pay yer six hundred smackers?’

  ‘And promise never to go near Harriet again. If you do I’ll have you for everything, and I mean everything, blackmail, extortion, trespassing, threatening behaviour, and of course theft.’

  ‘I ain’t stole nothing,’ says Diamond confidently as he fishes in his wallet.

  He hands over the cash reluctantly.

  ‘Come on Dad, let’s go while we can. Get in the motor Babyface,’ orders Mad Jack.

  ‘Oh yes, one more thing if you want me off your back. We want to see Babyface studying, isn’t that right Harriet?’

  I nod and give Babyface a smile.

  ‘Jesus Christ, she’ll be wantin’ to bleedin’ adopt him next.’

  ‘And of course we’ll want the van back. You know the one you stole.’

  ‘I ain’t stole nothin’, that motor’s mine. Julian gave it to me.’

  I feel Brice’s eyes on me. I struggle not to look at him. I’m dead grateful for everything he has done but I cannot forgive him for talking about me to Phoebe. How could he do such a thing? I trusted him and he told her, of all people, that he wasn’t interested in me.

  ‘Julian had no right to give it to you because it belongs to Harriet.’

  ‘Like ‘ell it does.’

  Brice pulls the loan agreement for the van from his pocket and points to the signature on the form.

  ‘If you drive off in that van Diamond, I’ll have you for everything.’

  Jack Diamond gives the papers a cursory glance.