Truly Madly Deeply: Volumes 1-4

by Brenda Pandos

  “Why don’t we get started.” She takes a seat opposite us and crosses her legs, a pad of paper and pen in her hands. “Ever been to therapy before?”

  My eyes drift to Logan’s momentarily. We both shake our heads.

  Patricia smiles. “All right, then. There’s nothing to worry about. We’re just going to talk. Okay? My understanding is that you both experienced a traumatic event recently at work. Yes?”

  We nod again.

  “Okay, then. Why don’t we get to know one another?”

  She asks a series of questions, our age, our job duties, how long we’ve known one another. It’s all relatively tame.

  “So, Maddy, why don’t you go first and tell me what happened.”

  My chest constricts. I’m sideswiped with the question. Why did she pick me first?

  The clock behind us ticks softly.

  “Well, I was taking a walk…” I swallow and pause.

  The urge to vomit grips me.

  Logan shifts in his seat. “Maddy was on the Devil’s Peak trail and Marsden came up behind her, and threatened her. She ran.” He turns to me, his eyes asking for confirmation.

  Though I take a deep breath and nod, my eyes lose focus as the real reason I ended up at Devil’s Peak alone with a bottle of Goldschläger returns, the thing that made me lose my head to begin with. “Yeah.”

  “Go on, Maddy.”

  “I…” Marsden’s evil voice echoes through my head, stuck on repeat. I look down, unable to choke out the words. “He…”

  “It’s okay, Maddy. Take your time.”

  My heart pounds, vibrating my chest. Nausea fills me. The air is too warm. I just want to leave, to do anything other than talk about what he said. I look up at her, pleading. Very slightly, I shake my head.

  “That’s okay,” she says. “Let’s take baby steps. Believe it or not, talking about what happened is crucial to working through it. Together, you and Logan can help each other get over this by filling in the gaps. I imagine you’re having repetitive thoughts?”

  I nod.

  “Trouble sleeping?”

  I nod again.

  “Fear of returning to the scene of the crime?”

  I nod a third time.

  “Well, then, let’s see if we can work on reducing your stress. Logan, do you feel like sharing first?”

  “Sure.” Logan’s kind gaze brushes over me before he starts, and I just adore him all the more for taking care of me. “I was late getting to the game that night, and I was walking on the road. Maddy ran out from the Devil’s Peak trail, yelling that the guy who’d showed up before was back. He was running after her. I got between them and told him to leave. He threatened us. So I had Maddy call 911, then he pulled out a knife.”

  “How did that make you feel?”

  Logan lifted his chin. “Honestly?” He chuckles under his breath. “He picked the wrong guy to have a knife fight with.”

  “So you were confident to defend her?”

  “You could say that.”

  I stare at Logan wide-eyed, wishing he’d elaborate.

  “So then what happened?”

  “He tried to stab me and cut my forearm before I managed to dislocate his shoulder.” He gestures to his bandage. “He’s lucky I didn’t break his face, but I figured Maddy didn’t need to see that and I didn’t want it to go too far…” He stops. “And then…” Logan looks at me. An innocent look crosses his face. “She kissed me.”

  Every muscle in my body tenses and a rush comes over me that starts from my gut and ends buzzing in my ears. It’s finally out in the open—out and ready to choke me.

  The doctor looks at me. “How do you feel about that, Maddy?”

  How do I feel? Embarrassed, elated, guilty, curious, so many conflicting things race through me. I have no idea what to say, and worse off, I can’t breathe.

  “It was an accident.” I place my fingers over my offending lips.

  “I see.”

  I look at the doctor, wishing I didn’t have to answer more questions with Logan here, but I don’t have the courage to ask if he could leave either. Not after what he did for me. If he wasn’t there, a shudder rips through me at the thought.

  “Do you have anything to add?”

  “No.” My voice wobbles, and then the tears come. So many tears, I can’t stop them. The doctor passes me a box of tissues.

  “Logan, why don’t you give us a minute?” She stands and directs him outside.

  The door closes and we’re alone. The doctor sits next to me and rubs my back while I lose it.

  “It’s okay, Maddy. Let it go. Just let it go.”

  After a good cry, we talk out what really happened, and before I know it the hour is up. When I leave the office, I feel like a weight has been lifted, until I see Logan’s concerned face. Then I’m filled with guilt.

  Logan stands. “You okay?”

  “Yeah,” I say and it’s truthful. “I’m sorry I took all the time.”

  “Oh, that’s fine.” He smiles. “I said what I needed to say.”

  The doctor squeezes my shoulder. “I’d like to see you in two weeks. Okay?”

  I nod. “Sure.”

  “Good.”

  Logan leads the way to the car.

  ~|~

  The beginning of the car ride is quiet at first. Logan opens his mouth and closes it, like he wants to ask me something, but can’t. I’m sure he’d rather me volunteer what I talked about with the doctor, but I’m worried if I do, I’ll just start bawling again.

  “That was nice of you to let Kat stay in your cabin,” he finally says.

  “Oh.” I swallow. “Sure.” I wait a few long minutes, my mind zooming. “You’d mentioned she had something like this happen to her once.”

  He sobers. “Yeah.”

  I wait for him to say something more, which he doesn’t.

  “Did she get therapy for it?”

  He takes a deep breath. “She probably should have. Might have helped.”

  Morbid curiosity pulls at me. I want to know, but then I don’t. I force a smile and hold my breath before speaking.

  “I thought maybe I could ask her about it.”

  He stiffens.

  My lips press together. “Not a good idea?”

  “She’s finally getting past it.” He pauses and sighs. Past it? What the heck happened? “I don’t want her to know I told you.”

  I gnaw on the inside of my cheek. “Sure.”

  “I—I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “I won’t mention it.” I shift in my seat. “Um… I have something else I wanted to ask you.”

  “Okay?” He quirks a curious smile.

  “Was Kat with you last night?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I regret it and my throat tightens.

  His smile fades, brows pressed firmly together. “What do you mean?”

  Self-preservation grips me, and I war with myself whether or not to continue. But I can’t keep quiet anymore. I can’t let Kat control my life.

  “I was just worried ‘cause I woke up in the middle of the night and she wasn’t in her bunk. I assumed she snuck out to see you.”

  He turns toward me. Anger crosses his face. “To my cabin?”

  I pause a moment, then shrug. “I don’t know. Maybe?”

  He faces straight ahead and grips the wheel tighter. “No. She didn’t.”

  His chest rises and lowers faster than it should, and I don’t know what good telling him did other than piss him off. He’ll confront her, and then she’ll lie, like I always do when I’m trapped, and I’ll look like the idiot.

  I change the radio station, anything to preoccupy my fidgety hands. The off ramp is only a mile away, luckily.

  The lump forms in my throat the closer we get to camp. Mentioning Kat’s mysterious disappearance, along with the kiss being out in the open, I know he’s going to give me the brushoff. I can’t live through that, not again, not unless it’s on my terms.

  “I’m
sorry I kissed you,” I say quickly. “I—I get it. You’re engaged and… I shouldn’t have.”

  He continues to look straight ahead. “Maddy.”

  “No. Let me talk.” I hold up my hand. “I know we’re just friends and I made it complicated. I wasn’t thinking straight. Just—I’m sorry. I don’t want things to get weird between us.”

  “Are they?” he asks.

  I take a moment to answer. “No.”

  He pulls into the parking lot and parks before he turns to me. “It happened. It’s no big deal.”

  I clutch at my throat. No big deal? His response when our lips touched didn’t feel like no big deal to me.

  I swallow. “Okay, g-good.”

  He watches me with saddened eyes. There’s something there. Something he wants to say. I wait for it, but I can barely hold still. The seconds feel like they’re pounding in my head. What is he thinking?

  Then he leans over and kisses me. Or at least in my dreams he does. The driver side door cracks open, drawing in the cool air once more, washing over me and pulling me into reality. He’s out of the car before I can blink.

  I get out, too. The gravel crunches under our feet as he walks with me to Camellia. Camp is peaceful without the kids around, like the attack never happened.

  “Thank you,” I say. “For going with me.”

  “Of course.” He hands me back my keys. “Any time.”

  I unlock the door to Camellia and stand in the doorway, searching for an excuse for him to stay. “What are you going to do now?”

  “Uh… laundry, I think. You?”

  If I had laundry to do, I would have jumped at the chance. Exhaustion grips me.

  “A nap.” A wish he’d just come inside and stay with me surfaces, but I know he can’t. Maybe if we were in Aspen, he might have if I asked. Not here, not when the kids or Kat could find us alone together.

  He nods. “Enjoy your nap.”

  Before I know it, he’s gone. He’s gone, and everything is weird, just like I don’t want it to be.

  CHAPTER TEN

  I’m awakened at the rattle of the lock. Rolling over, I blink to clear the sleep from my eyes and look at my phone.

  What day is it?

  I’m surprised to see it’s a little before 5PM. The girls file in, sunburned and sandy, calling dibs on showers.

  Kat’s the last one, wearing her shipwreck number that’ll be in all the boys’ fantasies tonight.

  “Look who’s back?” Kat smiles. “How was it?”

  Though, I’d only slept for two hours, it felt like an entire day had passed. “It was fine.”

  She saunters over to her suitcase with a smirk on her face, and I’m not sure why.

  “We go back in two weeks,” I add.

  Her body tenses and a thrill runs through me. Though I should hate myself for vying for Logan’s attention, I feel justified. And once he confronts her, I’m hoping it’ll be another chink in her perfect reputation. Maybe she’ll just do the right thing and cut him loose. I could only wish.

  “I hope it was worth it,” I think I hear her say.

  “Did you say something?” I ask.

  She straightens and smiles. “Oh, I said I hope it helped.”

  My brow lifts. “Oh, it did.”

  I change and then lounge back in my bunk as the girls flit around, fighting over the mirrors and electrical sockets, and wait for the dinner bell.

  Thinking about what I told Logan, this should all prove interesting, especially if Kat tries to sneak out again tonight.

  She forgoes a shower and gets dressed, then sits on her bunk across from me, busy typing in something on her phone. I don’t say anything since technically she’s not a counselor this week, considering we’re supposed to text in emergencies only.

  After thirty minutes, the bell for dinner rings. There’s a mad rush in the bathroom for last minute finishing touches. Kat jumps up.

  “I’ll meet you there,” she says and exits out the door.

  I wrap my sweatshirt around my waist and put on my shoes. Five minutes goes by. “Time to go, girls.”

  There are a few groans, but the five saunter out all dolled up and head outside. How on full weeks when there’s twelve girls to a cabin do they manage to get ready in time is lost on me.

  “We’re winning cabin clean up tonight,” Bridge says as she walks past me. “Mark my words.”

  I lock the door and walk off the porch. We all link up arm and arm. “So tell me what happened today.”

  The girls fill me in on the boys they’re crushing on in Logan’s cabin, and how they wanted to play volleyball together, but were too chicken to ask. I’m a little pissed at Kat for not noticing, or helping them out.

  “Maybe I can arrange a special game night with their cabin,” I suggest.

  They all gasp.

  “Oh, oh… oh!” Bridge’s eyes light up and she grabs at her neckline. “Would you?”

  “Sure.”

  Emma pulls on Holly’s arm like she hasn’t been listening. “Maddy’s going to set up a game night with Logan’s guys.”

  “I know.”

  They mob me with a squealing hug where I’m trapped in the middle, and then run toward the mess hall.

  Once we get onto the deck, I spot Logan alone, headed toward the bathrooms.

  “Go on inside,” I tell them. “I’ll be there in a second.”

  They happily take off without me, and I hustle down the steps after him. When I round the corner, he’s gone—most likely in the men’s room. I decide to wait, when the urge to pee hits me. My hand pushes on the bathroom door. Kat’s voice comes from somewhere down the adjoining walkway.

  “Oh, that’s lovely. What else did she tell you?”

  “Kat,” Logan growls.

  I freeze, heart pounding, and remove my hand from the door. It falls softly shut. Are they talking about me?

  “You get on my case about fighting, and then you do this?” he adds.

  She laughs. “What? What am I doing?”

  Logan cusses. “You were out in the middle of the night. Alone. If anything happened to you.”

  “Well, something did happen, remember? But I’m fine.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “No, frankly I don’t.”

  “You’re taking chances,” Logan states.

  “I left my phone in the auditorium and I didn’t want anyone to take it.” She huffs.

  My hand flies to my chest. Lost her phone? Hardly. She’d annoyed the heck out of me that night when she couldn’t decide on an alarm ring tone.

  “That could have waited. This guy isn’t someone to mess with.”

  She chuckles. “There are security guards everywhere. I highly doubt he’s anywhere near here.”

  “Kat.”

  “Don’t worry. I don’t make a habit of putting myself in danger on purpose.”

  “Well, it kind of looks like you are to me.”

  My legs grow weak as I try to inch closer. It takes all my self-control not to march around the corner and slap her.

  “Yet I’m the one being chewed out,” she seethes. “Can’t you see she’s throwing herself at you? Even to the point of faking her PTSD? She expects you to take her back in two weeks.”

  My stomach twists. I can barely breathe. How dare she.

  “She’s not faking it.”

  “My experience was twice as bad as hers, and yet I didn’t need to see a counselor.”

  “You’re strong, yes.” He presses out a long sigh. “But that doesn’t mean you throw logic out the window.”

  A cackle comes from her. “It seems to be the only thing that gets your attention.”

  My chest squeezes.

  “We’re both working and busy, but I’m engaged to you. If that doesn’t prove my love, I don’t know what else to do.”

  Silence follows. My heart is pounding and my legs are poised, ready to propel me into the bathroom if need be. I’m so confused why she’s jealous—especially when
she’s the one cheating. It’s like she’s hoarding her men, or something. Why doesn’t she just confess?

  “You’re just different when it comes to her.”

  He exhales. “Then let’s quit. Today. We can spend the rest of the summer together. Just you and me. Forget the money.”

  My mouth gapes open. What? No! I pull together my nerve and step forward, without a clue as to what I’ll say. He’s not going anywhere, not when she’s at fault.

  “No,” she says, and I freeze. “You know we can’t do that to Dirk. Just quit feeding into her bullshit and let someone else take care of her for a change.”

  Her insinuation I’m a charity case frosts my cookies. My breath comes out quick like I’ve been running. What happened with Gage or even Marsden, who was about to rape me, wasn’t bullshit or an act. If anyone, she’s the one worrying Logan on purpose.

  “Whatever you want, but you have to do something for me.”

  “What?” she asks.

  “Please, don’t leave your cabin at night,” he begs. “Text me if you need something.”

  She laughs. “Oh, right, because all of a sudden you’re texting now.”

  I cringe at her tone. How does she think it’s okay to talk to him like that?

  “Come on, Kat. Promise me.”

  “Fine, Logan. But I’m not going to let you hover over me once we’re married. I can take care of myself. This isn’t high school anymore.” Her voice is suddenly closer.

  “I know that, but we’re talking about a serial rapist.”

  I fly into the bathroom, careful to be as quiet as possible.

  “Fine. You win.”

  “Don’t do this,” Logan’s voice filters into the bathroom as the door slowly closes. “I just want you to be safe.”

  “You can’t have it both ways,” Kat says, and the door opens.

  I stand on the toilet seat inside a stall to hide my feet and hold my breath, peeking through the crack in the door. The water turns on, then shuts off. She studies her reflection in the mirror, then I hear a sniffle. I don’t get why she’s cheating on a guy that loves her so much.

  “So stupid,” she says to herself, then the door swishes.