When It All Goes Still

by Allison Mullinax

  He backs out of my driveway and reaches over, placing his hand on my thigh. “I love it because I found you here, but now that I have you, I can’t wait to see this town in the rearview mirror.” He keeps his focus on the road.

  We pass by the hospital, and I pull my phone out of my backpack and send a quick text to Andrew and MB.

  —How’s my little man doing this morning? We are on the road. I love ya’ll.—

  Traveler squeezes my leg. “You sure you’re okay leaving right now?” he asks. My phone vibrates to life.

  MB: —He’s perfect. Literally perfection. Have a great trip! And Jo, this is a good thing. Don’t question it. ; ) Love you!—

  Andrew: —He definitely has a set of lungs. Good thing he’s cute. Be careful.—

  Andrew’s text has a picture of MB smiling and holding Trey. I look over to Traveler. “Yes. I want to be with you. They need the time alone together, and we will be back tonight. I don’t want to be anywhere else.” I lean across the car and kiss the scruff along his jaw.

  The ride is spent sharing stories between the two of us. I tell Traveler about the time Andrew and I got lost in the forty acres behind our house, looking for buried Indian treasure. How Mom and Dad had the whole police force out looking. The police chief found us sleeping in a makeshift teepee made out of sticks, and how he laughed when we told him he couldn’t be the chief in our tribe. I tell him I think the ride home in the back of the squad car is what made Andrew want to be a police officer.

  He tells me about growing up in the orphanage, the things he knows about Vlad, and how he’s scared for Sephia. He talks to me about the people that have come and gone from his life, no one getting too close and no one getting let in. He turns to me and says, “Until there was you,” and I believe him. And my heart breaks.

  I tell him about growing up in the band room of the high school, listening to tubas and clarinets. I tell him about the afternoons I spent watching my dad mold the students into musicians. And how even after he died, I would sneak into the back of the stadium during marching band practice just to feel close to him again.

  He tells me about why he chose to go into Shifting, and how he noticed early on his abilities were far stronger than anyone else’s. He tells me how he has to hide all the capabilities he possesses, and the risk it holds if someone in Authority discovers it.

  I tell him about gardening with my mom, and how she used to tell me the scientific name of every flower we came across. I tell him that lilies were her favorite, and how her funeral was drenched in them. I hate lilies.

  He tells me about his mother. He tells me about Bonnie Smith. How Arden is involved. The whole story. And when he speaks of his father and the heartbreak it must have caused Jaqueline Romanoso, I can’t stop the tears from breaching the corners of my eyes. To have found the love of your life, the person you want to spend your days with until they run out, and then to have that snatched away…murdered.

  The dread is back. The aching worry inside my brain that has me chained down with it. This was Arden’s reasoning. His warning, calling out to me like a siren. And I’ve ignored it all.

  Traveler sees my chest rising and falling with panic. He sees the fear covering my face. Somewhere, on an empty highway between the life I once knew and the one I can’t stop myself from rushing toward, he pulls over and unbuckles his seatbelt.

  “Baby, look at me,” he instructs, taking my hands in his and holding them to his chest. “I will never let anything happen to you. You are mine, and I will protect you.” He smooths his hands over the back of my head, trying to ease my panic.

  “But you. How do I protect you?” My voice is wavering and shaky.

  “My mother will have answers. She will help us.” His promises lack confidence. “All I know is whatever I was before, it doesn’t matter to me anymore. The only thing I care about is keeping you safe. And if at all possible, keeping you in my life.” He leans his forehead to mine, and I feel my heart calming. “I can’t be without you now.”

  “I can’t be without you, either. I don’t know how,” I confess, and he kisses me hard, passion filled, and with everything he has. “We will figure it out.” And in this moment, I choose to put my faith and our fate in his hands.

  Traveler pulls the Jeep back onto the deserted highway, and I see that we are at an entrance to the Cherokee National Forest. His mother should be here within the hour. “She doesn’t know I’m with you, does she?”

  “No,” he admits, squeezing my hand. He still has his fingers locked into mine, and he’s holding them on his lap.

  “I’m nervous.”

  “Yeah, me too.” He pulls my hand to his mouth and kisses my wrist.

  A few miles into the forest, he pulls down a gravel road. We travel a mile in until he parks underneath a tree and shuts the Jeep off. “We need to do a quick scouting of the perimeter to check for campers or other vehicles. I don’t have enough time to check more than a half mile or so. I’m not leaving you alone.” He walks to the back of the Jeep, pulling out my hiking boots.

  “Just try and stop me from hiking these hills.” It’s beautiful. The towering pines soar into the air, their tips swaying slowly from side to side in the breeze. The clouds are barely visible underneath the canopy, and it creates dim lighting across the floor of the woods covered in needles.

  Traveler is staring at me as I take in the scenery. “Is there any view…is there any setting…that you don’t steal its thunder?” He brushes my hair back over my shoulders. Leaning down, he presses his lips to mine. With his hands on my lower back, he draws me in close to him. “I love you, Johanna,” he whispers against my mouth.

  “Then you’ll be the death of her.” A delicate yet strong voice calls from over his shoulder. He quickly pulls back, and with his strong hand pushes me behind him so he’s standing partially in front of me. Guarding me.

  Her hair is midnight black, and it billows over her shoulders in waves. Her eyes are the same shade of alluring green as his, and they are staring at mine. There is a clap of thunder in the atmosphere, I’ve grown accustomed not to expect the lightning. There is no denying that this woman is Traveler’s mother. And she is furious.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Traveler

  Her photograph doesn’t do her justice. Arden spoke of her beauty, and he was right. She is remarkable. Even decades of isolation and being constantly on the lookout hasn’t stolen the light she emits. She isn’t looking at me with maternal love, nor is she seemingly proud at this moment. Her stare is icy, and she is immediately lacking the warmth I let my heart believe she would have for me. I knew bringing Johanna here would be a risk, but I’m running out of options. Jaqueline Romanoso is my only hope.

  “Traveler—what have you done?” she asks, turning her head to Johanna. She pauses, looking between the two of us. She takes a step in our direction, and I instinctively move my entire body in front of Johanna. Mother or not, I won’t let anything, or anyone hurt her. Jaqueline stops dead in her tracks, and the smooth skin between her eyes creases in confusion.

  “It’s been twenty-seven years. I quite literally moved Heaven and Earth for you. I do not understand your current actions, considering what you know of your father’s fate, but I will be getting a hug before we discuss it.” She juts her chin out defiantly, and a tear slides down her cheek.

  Johanna has been clinging to the back of my shirt. I feel her grip loosen, and she lightly nudges me toward Jaqueline. I take a small step toward her, and within seconds my mother’s arms wrap around my neck. I hear her small sniffle in my ear as I embrace her. We stand together like this for a moment before I feel her let go and ease away. She is wiping her face with the back of her hand, but she isn’t smiling.

  “I was prepared for anything. The pent-up anger for leaving you, the questions you must have about me and your father. But this,” she says, throwing her hands toward Johanna. “This I did not expect.”

  “Johanna. Not this,” I correct her. She looks at
me with disappointment, but also with a hint of understanding. She, after all, should understand the most. I exist because of it.

  “Well, no use in hiding her behind you like a bad report card. I’ve missed my opportunity to scold you like a mother, but you can at least introduce her properly. Honestly, after everything I hope Arden has told you, surely you don’t expect me to cause you or her any harm.” She narrows her eyes at me, folding her arms across her chest.

  Without my prompting, Johanna steps out from behind my wall of protection and briskly walks past me. She’s too quick for me to pull back. She stops a couple of feet from Jaqueline and reaches her hand out. “I’m Johanna Martin.” I don’t have to see her face to know Johanna’s words are coming out from behind a smile.

  Jaqueline peeks around Johanna and raises her eyebrows at me, seemingly surprised by Johanna’s bravery. “Indeed, you are. Jaqueline Romanoso.” My mother’s fingers wrap around her hand, and I notice Johanna quickly pulls it back from the static charge. I don’t hesitate to jog to Johanna’s side and protectively slide my arm around her waist. My mother looks hurt by the gesture, but I find myself more concerned with Johanna’s safety than my mother’s feelings.

  “I know you were expecting to have Traveler to yourself. If you will excuse me, I’m going to set up a picnic lunch for all three of us. I’ll give the two of you a chance to talk.” She smiles and begins walking toward the Jeep. It takes everything in me not to go with her, to watch over her. I don’t trust Jaqueline, and the situation has me on edge. I watch her make her way to the car and open the hatch.

  “She’s lovely,” Jaqueline chimes, quietly breaking my spell and bringing my attention back to her.

  “Yes.”

  “Then why would you do this to her?” Her tone is heavy with disappointment. I pinch the bridge of my nose and close my eyes.

  “Because I can’t stop loving her. You tell me how,” I say with raw emotion. I run my hands over my head.

  “Walk with me.” She takes a few steps in the opposite direction, waiting for me to follow.

  “I am not letting that woman over there out of my sight.” I point toward Johanna, making myself very clear.

  Jaqueline looks at me, not speaking for a moment. “Most people would say you look like me. The dark hair, the green eyes…but those people never laid eyes on your father. They never saw the way his forehead creased when he was worried, the way his mouth curved at the side when he looked at me. His voice. You are his ghost.” She smiles for the very first time.

  The revelation throws me off, and I can only blink back at her. “Who was he?”

  “He was my everything.” She shrugs her shoulders. “His name was Travis. You’re named partly after him, and partly for the way we found one another.” Again, she offers me a small smile. As a child, I had often wondered why my mother would have chosen such an odd name. That it had to mean something. I feel a small stitch start to form around the hole the questions had left in my heart.

  “I was on an assignment in Georgia when we met. He was strikingly handsome, protective, gentle, loving. He had a way of stripping back all the seriousness of my personality. We were constantly laughing and smiling.” There’s a distant look behind her watery eyes. I can see her playing the memories back in her mind. “And he died because of me. Because I couldn’t leave him.” Her voice suddenly falls flat and even.

  I look up at the clouds. “I can keep her safe,” I say, trying to convince myself and Jaqueline.

  “I thought I could do the same. Until I couldn’t.” Her voice breaks at the gravity of the words. “They found out about me. About what I can do and how their machine and their stupid clock was useless to me.” She pulls back the olive-green cuff of her sleeve and exposes her glowing wrist. “Once my particles charged that first time, I never needed the machine again. They realized they couldn’t bring me back, even if they tried.” She shakes her head and looks off to the side. “I thought they were impressed with me. That they were pleased to have such a talented agent. I had no idea Authority had started to follow me. I was careless. They murdered him.”

  “It wasn’t—” I begin, but she holds her hand up to silence me.

  “They wanted to imprison me. And what do you think they would have done once they discovered my abilities far exceeded what they originally thought? If they couldn’t keep me in a prison cell, do you think they would have let me live?” she begs, trying to reason with me. “No, Traveler. They would have executed me. But not before finding out about you. They would have picked you apart. Studied you. I couldn’t lose the both of you. And everything—all of it, you’re throwing it away. You’re repeating the same mistakes.” She’s so full of frustration, that the white-blue light trapped in her fingertips momentarily escapes, searing the ground beneath us. We both stare at the charged ground.

  “I won’t let that happen to her.” I kick the dirt up in the air, creating a cloud of dust.

  “Then enlighten me, son. What’s your grand plan? How do you intend to stop what we both know is coming?”

  A small cough behind me makes us both startle. I whip around to see Johanna standing there. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude. It’s ready.” She motions toward the lunch she has prepared. Her face is pale, and I can tell she heard everything.

  “Baby—” I begin.

  “No,” she says, holding her hands up. She walks in between Jaqueline and me. “This is your mother. Twenty-seven years, Traveler. The last time she laid her hands on you, you were the size of Trey. She’s sacrificed everything for you, and this moment is tainted now because of me.” Johanna stares at the singed ground. “Jaqueline, please accept my apology.” She looks at my mother. “This should have been your moment with your son.”

  “The circumstances are not your sole blame, Johanna,” Jaqueline says, giving me an angry look. “Your atoms are his, and his are yours now. Love is stronger than science, and I’m assuming the same difficulties I had in staying away from Traveler’s father are present in this situation as well?” she asks. “You shift to her whether you mean to or not. Am I right?”

  “Yes,” I confess.

  She closes her eyes and uncrosses her arms from her chest. “And that will never change. If there is a level of control that exists to keep you from one another, then I surely never discovered it. You are connected. A bond so strong that your bodies pull together like an invisible magnet placed in the universe.”

  We all stand quietly in the forest, unsure of where to go from here. It is Jaqueline who breaks the silence first. “I’m assuming the two of you have no clue what to do next. And if you don’t have a fool-proof plan, then you’re both going to end up dead,” she adds, walking away from us and toward the blanket Johanna has spread in the grass. “Well, come on, I’m not formulating this big idea alone and on an empty stomach. We need to figure out who is going to sacrifice everything they know for the other,” she yells, peeling back the foil of a sandwich.

  Johanna and I look confusedly at one another. “I don’t think she likes me.” Johanna frowns and takes off after my mother, while I’m left standing here full of bewilderment.

  Johanna places herself on the opposite side of Jaqueline so that I may sit between the two of them. Jaqueline picks up the sandwich on her plate and begins nibbling at the edges. “So, which one of you started this God-awful mess.” She points between the two of us.

  “Look. You don’t approve, and I can’t pretend that I don’t understand why. But this isn’t going to change. I love her.” Johanna puts her hand over mine, trying to silence me.

  “I think what Traveler means to say,” Johanna starts, as she curves her nail into the cuticle of my pinky finger, prompting me to jerk my hand back, “is that we both started it and that yes, even after knowing everything, we still choose each other.”

  “Well, it’s a damn good thing. It can’t be helped now anyway. No matter where you are, and no matter how much time has passed, he will always shift back to you. They co
uld try and send him to Taiwan, and Traveler would still wind up wherever you are. As long as you are breathing, that is. I can’t explain it, but it was the same with Travis and I, until he was removed from the timeline completely.” Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Johanna’s confused expression.

  “Travis?” she asks.

  “That would be Traveler’s father. Too bad neither of you can meet him. He was murdered because we fell in love,” Jaqueline says, carefree, and with a sarcastic tone as she pops a pickle in her mouth.

  Johanna looks at my mother and then back to her lap. “I’m sorry. Traveler told me about his father.” She allows several moments of silence to linger in the air. “But I’m not sorry for loving your son. And like you’ve said, it can’t be helped now, so instead of blaming him and hating the situation…help us. What can we do?”

  Jaqueline throws her food down on her plate. “Are you willing to give up your entire family and everyone you love to go live in 2365?” Johanna stares at her, unable to speak.

  “Enough,” I bark out.

  “He can’t keep going back and forth to you, Johanna. They will send him on assignment and notice within seconds he isn’t anywhere near where he’s supposed to be. And what happens to him then? He will be caught and imprisoned. And then they will come looking for you. And no one will be able to help you. Or anyone else who might know Traveler’s little secret.” Her warning explodes in the air around us.

  “I said enough!” My voice echoes off the mountainside. “She isn’t giving up anyone for me. That’s not an option.” I stand and pull Johanna up by the hand along with me. Johanna has lost too much, she has sacrificed more than anyone should, and I’ll never be the man who makes her give up all that she has left.

  “Listen to me, son,” Jaqueline says, on her feet now. “I would do anything to keep you safe and alive. But I won’t aide you in committing suicide. And that’s exactly what this is. My mistake was in not choosing your father before it was too late. I thought I could have both. I should have stayed with Travis, and never looked back. Make your choice, Traveler. But you’d better make it while it’s an option.” She reaches out to me, holding my hand.